Monday, August 30, 2010

I'm tempted to do it...

I'm actually contemplating putting myself on craigslist... is that sad? I think so...

I mean... really? Should I?

I have made one really good friend here other than my housemate... but my new friend is a truck driver... (Ha, I know... how random, right?) and is gone for the next couple weeks. It also doesn't help that I'm broke as shit right now... grr.

But I get my first paycheck on Friday, so I hope to do something or at least afford dinner (maybe a movie?) with someone.

I'm just... augh. Emo right now I guess. My roommate and even my new friend are all, "Find a girlfriend! Do it! Do it NOW!" and I'm just... not into that. I mean... having a girlfriend in town would be nice... but I'm not really emotional available right now and I don't know this city AT ALL! I would much rather have a good friend than a girlfriend right now. Well, a couple good friends... preferably a friend with a car and a knowledge of the city.

Aughhh... CraigsList just creeps me out. I mean... I'm a vain bitch and I'm ultra leery about people I meet online. Just because I'm not fucking nuts doesn't mean they aren't.. and girls are crazy as hell. I'm NOT trying to fear for my life my first month here. lol

And being a lesbian trying to make friends with girls is just as difficult as it sounds. As I stated before, girls are CRAZY AS HELL! So... I try to be just friends with a girl and they're all, "Don't you find me attractive?" and "Why wouldn't you want to be with me?" or THEY never intended on just being a friend to begin with. So therefore I find myself making really good friends with dudes. It's kind of hard to believe... but dudes usually accept and move on that you don't want to sleep with them better than females.

Let's face it ladies... we're needy, vain and a tad narcissistic. We all want to be loved, cared for... and attained or wanted, at the very very least. So... I end up just being another dude friend that eventually they expect to at least make ONE move on them... and when I don't... yeah... some girls aren't okay with that.

But even with that said... I've had healthy, strictly friend relationships with females too. It is possible and I'm good at having friends... just... augh.

I'm being paranoid.


Monday, August 23, 2010

A Story. (Just for fun... what the hell..)

I saw her pull out of the drive way and with a long exhale I knew deep inside it would be for the last time. I braced myself on the door frame and sucked in my exhale as painfully as it had came out. With a firm gulp I soon realized my grip on the wood was the only thing keeping me vertical. I closed my eyes and all I could see was her face. Her deep blue eyes and the echo of my pain as it bounced off of her flawless face.

Yes, she knew she had the power against me. She knew it... otherwise it wouldn't have been like this to begin with. If I had just... just... Fuck, what did it matter anyway? She was gone, my legs were jello and I had to teach myself how to breath on my own again.

Inhale, exhale. Got that, Elle? Inhale, exhale. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and instantly I needed to puke. I ran to the bathroom and flung myself at the toilet. I hung my head over and stared at my reflection in the shallow water in the bottom of the bowl. My eyes sagged and I looked like I hadn't showered in weeks. Of course, she saw me like this... no wonder she left like she did. Just as quick as the urge came over me, it had passed. I couldn't even puke right. Frustrated I propped myself up using the tub edge and wiggled my fingers around my jeans pocket to rescue my ever vibrating phone from my pocket. With a deep inhale I flipped open the phone to reveal one missed text message.

You can do this, Elle, you can do this... just open it. It's probably a spam forward or something, it's not from her... just do it.

I held my breath without realizing it and opened the message. O, it was from her alright. I was puking successfully now. My body heaved and stuttered. I gasped for air in between the heaves and kind of enjoyed hearing the splashing of water around my face. My eyes were pushed closed and I could feel the tears crawling down my face like hot lava. My knuckles were turning white as a grasp for dear life around the toilet seat that I had propped open over my head. Every time I heard my phone vibrate at my knees another heave would come, then another, then another. Just when I thought I was finished I heard the rumble from my phone and my stomach would lunge.

I woke up the next day on the floor of the bathroom clutching my turned off phone. My lips were dry and cracked. What time did I even enter the bathroom? What day is it? Did I sleep through something important?


I jumped to my feet and promptly fell back down as my knees went weak. I heard the loud crack of my skull against the toilet... or at least I thought I did.

"Elle... Wake up... Elle... Fuck..." The mumble of a voice crept in my dark, dark place. I liked it there: it was nice and cool. In the dark place I had found solace and it didn't even bother me about... what was her name again? "Elle!" No... that wasn't it, that's my name. A cold rush of air forced its way around my face. No, that wasn't air... it was water.

I sputtered and coughed, my eyes began to blink and I focused on the person hovering over me. I closed my eyes again.

"Open your fucking eyes!" The voice was angry. Very angry.

I opened just one eye. "Please tell me this is a dream." I croaked out.

"No, it's not. Are you okay?" She asked... she asked if I was okay.

"Umm... do I look okay?" Bad question... bad, bad, terrible, no good, question.

"You look like shit and you're bleeding. What the fuck happened?" She sat back against the tub as I did earlier... yesterday? Earlier today? I had no sense of time.

"What time is it?" I managed to ask her. It seemed so surreal. Why is she here? Did I dream all that other stuff? Is this reality and that other stuff some strange dream... or is this the dream and all that other stuff is reality?

She promptly looked at her watch and answered without looking up, "It's midnight."

"What day is it?" I reached up and felt the blood on the back of my head. Fuck, that hurt.

"It's Tuesday." Her expression growing more and more concerned.

"Oh..." It had only been about twenty hours since she had left... I guess I wasn't dead and I didn't bleed out like I had hoped.

"Look, I'm sorry for what I did." Was all she had to say.

Did? Did seemed like such a small adjective for what she did.

"Gabby... no... stop... don't." Suddenly I needed to heave again, I fought the urge this time. She must have noticed me wince because she reached out and pushed hair out of my face and gently touched the side of my face. Inhale, Elle, exhale. Inhale, exhale.

"I'm sorry, because I freaked out because... I feel the same way." Gabby slowly scooted closer to me. My eyes widened and I just stared at her. "I just didn't know... you know... that... uhh..."

"I like girls." I spat out almost disgusted with the words. If I had a dime for every time I had to begrudgingly say that phrase I would be a dime-ionaire by now. You'd think that the short hair and mens cologne I wear would give the hint. But no, it never quite did it... I would always have to say that fucking phrase.

"Yeah." Gabby said meekly as she pulled her tennis shoe covered feet closer to her body.

I sighed and rubbed my face with my hands and began to sat up; instantly I felt the throbbing behind my ears. We sat in silence for a few moments and then my stomach made a very obnoxious growling noise. We both giggled. I would have never guessed that at twenty-four years of age I would be sitting in the bathroom with a girl three years my junior, giggling at my stomach noises. I felt like I was in high school again feeling very guilty for being allowed into the women"s locker room. Okay, Elle, pull up those adult britches and get yourself out of this mess.

"So.. uhh... Gabby, my stomach here insists on some neutrally gathered food. Could you, in a neutral way, come get some food with me?" I tried not to sound pushy or too hopeful. Gabby's facial expression was absolutely the hardest to read. I had known Gabby for the better of a year, she had never dated anyone that I known of. She had also attended every social function I had been to in that year. I was new to the town and didn't know too many people. We had talked some outside of the social gatherings. Only once did we hang out, just the two of us, in that last year. I felt that we had connected. She flirted with me; of course I flirted back. I loved her, whole heartedly, since the third time we were in the same room. I had no idea how she managed to not notice how obviously gay I am. I waited for her response and held my breath. Gabby leaned over and kissed my cheek. Instantly my face felt warm and my ears were most definitely on fire. Her body curled into mine and she wrapped her arms around the small of my back. I could smell her scent: lavender and honey. My body ached for so many reasons but I didn't budge. I let her hold me and I held her back.

"I've been waiting for you to tell me you liked me for so long... I had started to believe you were leading me on and that's why I reacted the way I did."

As she spoke I could see Gabby, twenty hours ago, crying as I confessed my deep like for her. I knew better than to say I love her. I told her all the little things I had done for her in the last year was so she would know without me saying it out right. As Gabby left that previous day she called me a Dyke. Yes, that word. That dirty word that most everyone grits their teeth at... straight and gay alike. Her wording was something like, "I knew you were a dyke" or "Just like a dyke" It was something not so cruel but a jab none-the-less.... promptly before she slammed the door in my face and backed out of my driveway.

"Why did you say the D word?" I asked, now that anger was replacing my broken spirit. My body tensed and she pulled back so she could look me in the eye.

"The what?" She seemed puzzled.

"You said you knew I was a dyke and slammed the door." I tried to hide the hurt in my voice.

"I said, 'It's about time you told me you were a dyke.'" Gabby pursed her lips together, looking slightly peeved. I loved that look. It made me want to kiss her and she was so close to my lips. Instinctively my face tilted towards hers. "That's all I said," she managed to whisper right as our lips touched. Electricity pulsed through me and I could taste the urgency in her lips. I cupped my hands around her face and pulled her closer to me. I suddenly remembered I must taste like rotten eggs, but she didn't pull back or seem hesitant at all. I prayed my breath wasn't horrible as she began to pull me closer. My stomach let out a very loud grumble as my muscles began to relax into hers. She giggled, our lips still intertwined. Gabby pulled back just enough to comfortably look me in the eye and wiped a tear from my face. "Let's go feed the grumbly lady."

I smiled at her and hoped... just hoped.

(I like to write short stories... and felt like writing one... no one is true and this is all fake... so yeah... hope you enjoyed... if not... ignore this. :))

Long time no blog! (WWW: Coven)

I fail... I know, I know...

Well... I'm no longer in a small town!

AND I'm trying out being a Vegetarian! Yeah... imagine that... a twig eating Wiccan... hah! (How original, right?)

I guess a ton has happened since the last post...

For one, I am now living almost 4hrs away from my home town in a much larger city with tons and tons and tons of people I don't know. I went from knowing absolutely everybody (or atleast someone that they knew) to knowing just my roommate and the new friends I am [attempting] to make at my new job.

So far I really, truly like it here. I just miss a couple of people from back home but I'm surviving. I can't wait until I get my first paycheck so I can really experience this town. I moved here with roughly $200 in my pocket and not a penny more. So... lets just say I'm just affording gas right now [barely] but it will be okay.... my job seems very promising and I love it there. The Goddess has given me the strength to journey on... yet again. :)

Umm... what else? What else?

My love life is still a train wreck... a very slow moving train wreck Matrix-style... Not that I'm complaining. I rather like my calm, boring (yet still exciting) love life right now. I'm still talking with THEE ex... yes... the big major one... *sigh* She's got me still, I guess... There are just some people that will never be removed from your life... even if you don't communicate with them anymore. Well, now we're communicating. I even bought a webcam... so yah... we do geeky aim convos with visuals now. (No kinky shit, you nasty minded tards!)


It's a word day! So erm... here is your word. :)

Coven (Covan)

A Coven is an assembly of witches/wiccans that get together to form a circle, do some magic or even just get together; have coffee and talk about their children... A coven is no smaller than 3. In most traditional Covens are no larger than 13.

Wiki says:
"The word was originally a late medieval Scots word (circa 1500) meaning a gathering of any kind, according to the Oxford English Dictionary. It derives from the Latin root word convenire meaning to come together or to gather, which also gave rise to the English word convene. The first recorded use of it being applied to witches comes much later, from 1662 in the witch-trial of Isobel Gowdie, which describes a coven of 13 members."


"The number of persons involved may vary. Although thirteen has been suggested as the optimum number (probably in deference to Murray's theories), any number above and including three can be a coven. Two would usually be referred to as a working couple (in any combination of sexes.) Within the community, many believe that a coven larger than thirteen is unwieldy, citing unwieldy group dynamics and an unfair burden on the leadership. When a coven has grown too large to be manageable, it may split, or "hive". In Wicca this may also occur when a newly made High Priest or High Priestess, also called 3rd Degree ordination, leaves to start their own coven. Wiccan covens are generally jointly led by a High Priestess and a High Priest, though some are led by only one or the other. In more recent forms of neopagan witchcraft, covens are sometimes run as democracies with a rotating leadership."

With all that said: I am not in a Coven, nor do I really desire to be in one. It's all personal preference, really. Also, some Covens charge you [money] to be apart of their group. Small fees are requested... some are understandable [circle items, group items, maybe helping with food and drink that is served, etc] and others are just ridiculous [being charged to be taught something from the craft just seems very Christian and greedy to me] and I will not be a part of it.

But please, don't take my bias against group practice as your own unless you've tried both. I can honestly say I have not tried to be in a group based practice... My lack of desire is a big reason but I'm not all people. I know some people who are in a coven and love every second of it and it fits their spiritual life style flawlessly. Maybe someday I will find a group of like minded people and we will call some circles together, I'm not completely against the idea... so please, don't let me make your mind up for you.

Blessed Be,

(You can also thank Alicia for giving me the motivation to blog again.) :D