I keep starting these blogs and never finishing. I don't want this blog to be filled with negativity and angst... so when my posts become bitchy I bury them in the draft section of this blog and it is never seen again... well, it is... but I for some reason refuse to delete the partial blogs. Maybe to one day finish them? I don't know.
I woke up today with a splitting headache and my sinuses are stuffy and just bluh. bluh. BLUH!
I go to a Panera that is just a few minutes from my house... usually I get here around dead times. I can't afford to eat here all the time, so usually I sit quietly in one of the comfortable lounge chairs rather than getting a table... but today I combined some of my tips from work to afford some soup because I have nothing at home and I feel icky sick... soup cooked and cleaned up by someone else sounded like a treat I couldn't pass up.
So here I am, sitting at a Panera clicking away on my laptop and there is a full house. It's so packed here. I grab a seat next to a plug and sit on the booth side. I order my food, eat it... poke around on npr... waste a little time doing nothing and eating... a lady sits beside me, eats and silently reads. I never even notice when she decides to leave. A little while later I notice a group of loud freshman girls enter and of course... they pick the seat beside me... I offer the spare table I seem to have and they begrudgingly accept... like I somehow made it gross. Augh. Well, I put my headphones on so not to be disturbed. My head hurts too much to listen to music but the headphones somehow buffer the noise around me.... and makes me seem too involved to be bothered with them.
So they sit and they talk about spanish class... which I assume atleast a few of them are taking together... and one girl goes, "What does homogeneous mean?" in the midst of the conversation... for those of you that don't know (and I only knew vaguely until googling it to secure my hypothesis on the word) Homogeneous means: The Same or Similar kind or nature. It's often used in Math and Science... not Spanish.... since it is an english (Or latin? Whatever the science world uses it's root of words from) word. I turn up my invisible music and ponder how it is to get like that. I don't recall ever being like that... after they make fun of her for saying a non spanish word they then talk about spring break and where they should go, "My daddy's beach house." or "I have a lake house." or "What about her mountain house?"
Okay, I'm also sure that most of you don't know how financially strapped I've been in the last... two years? It gets better, then worse... then better... then worse... then worse... and worse... and I hit rock bottom.
Okayokayokay... not "rock bottom" I'm not on the street by any means... but I am broke as a joke.
I don't have internet at my house nor do I have cable. The lack of cable isn't such a big downer because I've been there before many-a-day... that doesn't bother me... and lack of internet... well, I was dealing with it by coming to Panera (the workers here are really awesome. Very nice to me and I think they're starting to learn my name... lol) and I had a blackberry. (Yes... had.) So I could poke around and do certain things online at home and I had my emails come to my phone and such. Well, my phone got cut off because I owed them. I couldn't afford the extra expenses for a blackberry anyway so I decided to step back to my regular phone because it still works and is in my possession. That way I can pay off my debt that isn't involved with my phone and maybe save some money out of each pay check.
Since my phone had been completely cut off I had to pay off what I owed them completely. I did. This paycheck is also rent, btw. Which since I started paying rent I haven't been able to pay the complete amount so my roommate is being a real bitch about it. I can't really blame him... but I'm sorry: him < Bill Collectors. him < Gas money. him < Food. I'm not living big or blowing all my money... Okay, so sometimes I over spend on groceries... or sometimes I will order food somewhere when I really should save my money... but my "big spending" is usually BK or the Chinese place and it's their lunch special. (And if it's the Chinese place I break up the meal so it's 2 instead of 1.) I'm NOT living the high life. I'm also not making tons of money. As well as forfeiting my blackberry I am debating on canceling my health ins because it takes money out of each paycheck.
I don't drink anymore... and if I do it's other people's expense. I can't afford to do it. I don't know how people drink at bars all the time and have money for other stuff.. such as bills and food.
Even with all that said... I do my best to treat myself in any way I can. Why? Because let's face it... living paycheck to paycheck (almost down to the penny) will drive someone batshit crazy. I've been selling books that I've read to a local book store (they have tons of stuff, media-savvy as well) to get box sets and whatever else. I'm not home very often but when I am I want to relax and be entertained. I've already watched everything I have tons of times and went through the stuff I've had but have never had time to watch. I've also picked up knitting and hope to reopen my etsy account within the next month or so. (Also hoping for some extra spending money) I'm knitting with yarn I already have and needles I've already purchased. I've started taking donations and asking people if they want stuff and wearing stuff I've knitted in hope to encourage people to buy from me.
I'm also being helped out the most by Kim. (Yes, the ex....) She was my first love and first major heart break. She has tried her best to redeem herself and has been trying to be back in my good graces for almost longer than we dated originally... but I've got to say... she's really pulled through. I now live 4hrs away from her and she's spent basically every spare dime on me. On gas to get here, food while she's here and usually entertainment while she's here. I've been so lucky to have her in my life. She's the only one who has stepped up and really helped me for no other reason that I might love her some day. Otherwise, I have nothing to offer her and she knows it but doesn't care. (I can't say that about anyone else that has ever offered to help me)
I will hopefully pay my car off in July. (If I did my math right) With that said... I've already made my January payment and in 5 months I should have spare money for the first time in years. If I pay my roommate off in the 3 months projected... I should be close enough to just pay off my car in June. June is my birthday month. For my birthday, I hope to have a paid off car and maybe a beach weekend. What about those months in between? Well, I hope to just not be in debt for a little while and maybe be able to do something on my days off.... and have days off for that matter.
Sorry for all the ramblings... but I guess I really needed to send all that out into the universe.