Friday, April 8, 2011

Overcoming Anxiety & Stress

I'm jobless again... but I won't even start going into it because it makes me so angry and negative... and the world already has enough of that.

One of the various positive things about it is I'm rationing my food until I find another job, which means smaller portions... which means I'm losing weight. Portioning your food is an excellent way to diet without dieting. I basically eat all damn day... but my portion size is basically down to 300 calories a day and I eat about 5 to 6 times a day. Making it be about 1500/2000 calories a day, give or take. Which is well... what the intake on the side of every damn box tells you to consume. I'm not sure how much I've lost but I can definitely tell I've lost weight in my face and hip area. It's awesome.

I also am on a whirlwind of emotions. I'm up, I'm down. I'm proud, I'm ashamed. I'm inspired, I have a deep feeling of lackluster. This roller-coaster is not one to be enjoyed, I promise you. Spiritually I feel shattered. The last couple months of my job had me high-strung and hateful. I was so tense and so worked up. I had many sleepless nights and slept the entire day until my shift. My entire being had been consumed with the negativity from that job. So easily I had been sucked in without even noticing it. I cry randomly throughout my day, even if it's just for a few seconds.

My entire day is now consumed with job applications and reassuring myself that my life isn't truly over because of one suck-ass job.

Do not let anyone intimidate you into thinking you are someone less than who you actually are. I let that happen to me. I felt like the job had broke up with me although I knew it was already crumbling beneath my feet. I went through waves of "I should make it work" and "Fuck it, fuck them all. Fuck everything!" and well... yeah... in the end I know it's for the better. I hold such animosity towards who made it come to pass... but I know it's worthless and just makes me look like the bad person. Lies are being spread, I can feel it come through the air and gently poke me out of fun. I refuse to be apart of it. For those that wish to believe said lies, enjoy them.... I won't stick around to notice.

Obviously, I still have some emotional stuff to work on.

I'm viewing this as an opportunity rather than a hurdle. EVERYTHING happens for a reason, my friends, EVERYTHING! Who am I to deny that reason? I now have the biggest universal push ever to better myself and BE better than whom I feel is disgraceful. To PROVE something to myself and everyone else. I have been pushed into a very large pool and right now I am kicking and grasping at the water to break through the top. As long as I continue to have this fight in me (although the doubts do arise) I will make it.

I have found how calming lighting candles are. The flame flickers and dances as the air shifts in the room. I let a calm breeze blow through my opened window and LISTEN to the things around me. I chopped off all my hair, by myself. I am focusing on me without losing sight of what I need to do. I'm going to take a chance and only apply to jobs I could see myself enjoying. I'm actually on a semi-regular sleep schedule now. I feel more relaxed. Losing that job was one of the better things to happen in my life. Now I just need to "Nut up or Shut up."

Blessed Be,