Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Okay, Okay... I get it.

Rule Number One: When first time meeting someone to possibly date, do not continuously talk about how beautiful your ex is.

Rule Number Two: Do not abruptly leave after ex has called you and not even look back.

Rule Number Three: If Rule one or two happens to you, go ahead and jump ship.

Fuck you, universe. Fuck you in your hairy asshole. Okay? Can't I just have ONE person that wants me for me and doesn't have SO much fucking baggage weighing me down in fifteen minutes of seeing someone face to face?

Today has not been excellent. Instead, it has been only kind of okay. I hung out with my friend whom I've missed terribly & her cute daughter today: Win. Found out a friend of ours died MONTHS ago: Not win. Walked to my friend's house to watch lots of Angel: Win. Met someone for 1 drink: Complete Fail.

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of the universe shitting on me as of late. Seriously.


Yes, I know how to break things that aren't solid... GOT IT?!

Okay, this is one shitty blog that is really negative but I'm really angry about a lot of things... which is better than being sad, I guess. But there are tears anyway and I realize I'm a big ole bag of crazy right now... and whatever. I like myself being wild and insane and not okay. Alright... so I don't like being "not okay" but it seems like it's all I have right now.

Also: I will read this tomorrow and feel like a complete asshole and embarrassed that I clicked "Publish Post" and allowed this to be online because I know a lot of the people who read this and I care about their opinions... but for right now...

I don't give no fuck.

So fuck you. Fuck this.

And I can be angry and negative if I want. IT'S ALLOWED!


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Rest In Peace.

I write this blog shaking with tears. One of my friends got hit by two vehicles after being raped. The being raped is substantial but from how the events panned out I highly doubt she was lying about it. She was one of those troublesome teens that did a lot of drugs and ended up dropping out of school but that doesn't mean she ever deserved the ending that she received.

Apparently she had gone to someone's home and knocked on the door at 4am saying, "I've been raped and dropped off, please call 911. Call 911, please!" and they refused to let her in the house (They claimed they didn't have a phone) so they called 911 as she collapsed on the road. COLLAPSED! That's not a "I'm going to just lay here for a minute" kind of situation. The people in the house who were dialing 911 didn't think, "We should retrieve her from the road" instead they just watched the cars hit her and THEN check on her to see if she was okay.... obviously she was not.

This is my hometown, people. These are the types of people I was around for the first 18yrs of my life. These are the people I went to high school with, who I spoke to at the gas stations and whom my parents grew up with. These are the people that are parenting children and whom had a child in her arms as she spoke of 'this girl claiming to be raped and getting hit by cars'.... I am disgusted.

I wasn't ever close to the deceased but I knew her... and that's enough for me. I knew her and she was nice to me. I never had a problem with her (and I had A LOT of problems with A LOT of my fellow alumni) and as far as I knew she never had a problem with me. I knew her brother too although he was quite a bit older than us. I had classes with her, I passed her in the hallway... I had conversations with her for no reason at all other than we were around each other. She didn't choose an easy life, a fabulous life, but she sure lived it. I cannot lay claim to anything she's done since our days of walking the halls of adolescences but I can say this: No one deserves to be turned away like she was at such a terrible time in her life.

DECISIONS, people. DECISIONS are what save lives. If those people had just asked her to come inside and wait for help, or offered her something to keep her in place.

The police that reported to the scene were kind of like, "She was high on anxiety pills and drunk. Obviously she deserved to die." and shrugged. Okay, so obviously they didn't say those words... but I can sense it. Open and closed case. Who gives a fuck that a mac truck gets away with hitting a human being and not even tapping the breaks? Who cares that a newspaper delivery woman also hit a human and kept right on trekking? Who CARES that these people took a human life that could have been saved... she was on drugs and drunk. Forget her claims of being raped. Forget the family and friends of this poor broken woman in the middle of the road in the early morning.

I blame so many people for her demise. So many people. Humanity (or should I say the LACK OF) is at fault for this loss of life. My heart breaks for the lack of professionalism that was so obvious amongst all who showed up at the scene. No charges are being pressed. No closure will be found. I will truly be amazed if the person who dropped her off ever surfaces. (But you can count on it the people in that county are already whispering about who dropped her off) I will be shocked if anyone is ever brought to justice. The people who called 911 and the two people who hit her should get charges of negligence.

Also, for anyone who has ever hit ANYTHING in the road, you hear the crunching under your tires. You hear the breaking of bones and can size up how big or small the body you are running over.... if it seems large, you should probably stop and at least check and make sure it wasn't a human you just plowed over. Just saying. I mean-- it's the least you can do, right?

Guess not in all cases.

Blessed Be,

RIP Jennifer Bond
I'm so sorry humanity failed you in the worst ways.

WNCT Report

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Terrible Sleep.

I had the most terrible sleep lastnight. I basically took two hour naps and woke up startled and unhappy all throughout the night.

I remember at some point I woke up and felt around in the bed to make sure I was alone. I dreamed the most terrible things and my conscious has blocked most of the memories of those dreams from my memories. I just see flashes. I think I drempt that I was with someone romantically then ripped out of the bed by someone else, and then hit in the face by another. It was very confusing.

Today I am left feeling very very awake and very hungover although I didn't drink one drop of alcohol yesterday. This morning I felt awkward and exposed. I got up a couple times during the night and somehow I think I was still asleep when I did so. Specifically I got up around 3:45am and went to the bathroom and almost tripped over a stack of old VHS' that are Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen.... as preteens. It was like I got visited by the nightmare fairy. I brought them inside my room and put them at the foot of my bed, my roommate had txted me to "guess where this is from" and sent me a picture on my facebook. I remember placing the movies down and opening my facebook to look at a picture that (at the time) meant absolutely nothing to me and then crawling back into bed over the foot-board and collapsing to sleep, you guessed it, two more hours. I woke up at 6am and felt like someone was laying on top of me. No, not in that sexy kind of way. In that CSI, I'm about to get crushed to death kind of way.

I tossed and turned and buried my head under pillows. Eventually I fell back asleep. At 9:30am I opened my eyes and cussed out loud. A full night of busy busy non-rest. My throat ached, my nose was extremely dry and I felt like I had been hit by a mac truck. I laid in bed until 10am and gave up the fight and opened facebook to play farmville and my other applications until 11am when I awoke my roommate. (She's so sweet and offered to buy me a meal so I picked Smith St Diner) So we could go to breakfast. I dug out one of my books that I've started to read and never finished (I have a whole box) and began to read while on the front porch waiting for her to get her awake face on.

After eating and 4 cups of coffee I'm still in this painfully neutral place. Yesterday I talked to someone I have missed greatly. Through her work, kid and school she hasn't had much time for anyone. A couple days ago I had this nagging feeling to get up with her and tell her how much I miss just being around her. As a friend or more, just simply miss her. A day passed after my contact on facebook (I don't thinks she responds to txts anymore which is a HUGE disadvantage if you're going to communicate with me) and I was started to get concerned that maybe it wasn't a gradual separation but an intended one. (I wasn't ready for what she wanted at the time) Wow, I'm using a lot of brackets today! But yeah, she called me yesterday and got me in SUCH a fabulous mood. We set up a brunch date (we both work at night) for next week to reconnect and hang out. I'm sooo nervous and buzzy andandand yeah. I feel I am emotionally a completely different person when I first met her about a year ago and I hope she can recognize that when we meet eye to eye again.

My emotional roller-coaster has been plastered all over this blog but I know I'm at a better place now. I've also been aware of the change within me. I've acknowledged within me what needs to be addressed and while I may not be ready to rush into a relationship but I think I am now ready to accept someone in and let the progression start. I'm okay with starting to let someone in.

Right now I'm stuck in a "Sort of a relationship but not, okay, really not, but maybe kind-of?" and it's really opened my eyes to A LOT of my feelings towards relationships, what I want and how I would want it. She's also a really good friend so we've been brutally honest about the entire debacle and it really is like a slow crashing plane and we're just sucking in the oxygen enjoying the buzz before the big ole ball of fire. It also doesn't help that I'm (yet again) some form of validation for her and she is questioning her sexuality all the while. (I sure know how to pick'em, eh?) So yeah... as I said... debacle. It really sucks for me though, because at some point I really, truly wanted to date her and be with her in any way I could... but she wronged me in a way that I have yet to recover from completely. (Which is partially my fault because I saw it coming but pushed forward anyway)

Once again, a song explains it all for me....

Crooked Teeth
Death Cab for Cutie

It was one hundred degrees, as we sat beneath a willow tree,
Who's tears didn't care, they just hung in the air, and refused to fall, to fall.

And I knew I'd made horrible call,
And now the state line felt like the Berlin wall,
And there was no doubt about which side I was on.

Cause I built you a home in my heart,
With rotten wood, it decayed from the start.

Cause you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
No you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.

I braved treacherous streets,
And kids strung out on homemade speed.
And we shared a bed in which I could not sleep,
At all, woo, hoo, woo, hooOoOo.

Cause at night the sun in retreat,
Made the skyline look like crooked teeth,
In the mouth of a man who was devouring, us both.

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech,
But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave.

And you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
No you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.

I'm a war, of head versus heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say.

And you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
There were churches, theme parks and malls,
But there was nothing there all along.

Blessed Be,

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I'm not broken, I'm refurbished.

The title of this blog came to me today while I was reading at a nearby coffee shop. Instead of doing the grown-up important errands I really should have been doing I decided to walk around my neighborhood instead. I'm a little over a mile from UNCG and they have some really amazing places on the way there that I've never been in.

I stopped at Spring Garden Bakery & Coffee and got an ice latte. (At a very reasonable price) I had never been there before. It was very quaint and awesome. A few of the summer college students trickled in while I read my book and slowly sipped my delicious latte. A very loving couple came in from the backdoor and I couldn't help but look up because I felt the guy was hovering over me (My peripheral vision isn't that great since I wear glasses) Turns out he had just paused with his hand extended out for his girlfriend so she could take it. I felt myself blushing just by the sight of the cuteness that was going on. (Just because I'm a lesbian doesn't mean I can't appreciate affection between a man and a woman) She herself did a little "Awwww" noise as she took his hand. They took a seat next to me (if you have ever been there before it was the long bench seating with the small tables and chairs opposite of the bench) and sat on the same side to watch whatever was going on on the laptop they had with them. I wasn't exclusively paying attention to their conversation since I was reading but a little bit of it slipped in between page turns and it just made me very happy. They put me in such a good mood and they never even glanced my way. As I sat beside them I tweeted, "I'm not broken, I'm refurbished" because at that moment I knew that as a broken individual (which I have been many times before) I wouldn't be able to stomach the love and good vibes just dripping off the couple. I'm so glad they sat as close as they did because their good intentions and love creeped into my soul and gave it a big ole hug.

That is also the same reason why I can't stand to be around negative people, because the same thing happens to me... but the outcome isn't so positive or happy. I also seem to "feel" right past the bullshit because I can sense what you are actually saying rather than the words that are being said to me. Not saying it's 100% but it hasn't failed me yet. (Well, when I actually listen to what my feelings are telling me)

I then walked down to Jack's Corner for some Falafel. It was sooooo good. I sat by myself and continued to read, it was very packed but I was still buzzing from the coffee shop. I thought about my most recent romantic encounters on the walk home. When I think of my "happy place" most of the time I find myself gazing into past love's eyes. It's kind of sad to still find happiness in the eyes of another... but it's the last time I really felt completely whole. Not just because of her, but because of me. It felt so right and so spiritual to be the way I was with her to start out. Since then it's gone to shit, but that's not the point. Currently I'm struggling with the idea of how I am to find happiness. I find happiness through others, just as I did at the coffee shop. My goal now is to not get drunk by it and get lost in it. I need to be able to acknowledge it; embrace it, keep it and find the balance.

The realization of me needing someone to keep me 'grounded' did become very apparent as well. I'm usually attracted to those that aren't as crazy as I am. I need someone with a successful career and will be able to just sit around and watch movies with me on a Friday night... or convince me not to drink another one while we're out with friends. But with that said, I want someone who is willing to do stupid shit with me and deal with the consequences head on. Go to a concert with me to see a band they've never heard of (Or take me to a band I've never heard of) Talk about EVERYTHING and anything with me but still keep their own secrets theirs and allow me the same. I need someone willing to let the past be that and not pry into mine unless I offer it.

I know these are all "my perfect woman" ideals, but I'm still very much entitled to them and will use them as guides, not stipulations.

My biggest pet peeve is when I meet someone (usually a hetero-male) that has such ideas of who they want their wife or girlfriend to be and get angry when someone doesn't live to their specific criteria.

News Flash: Love comes from unexpected places, don't deny it because you're too focused and closed minded about what you BELIEVE it should be.

Love is love, nothing else.

If you deny someone the opportunity to love you just because s/he doesn't have the right college degree or "wrong" color hair... you don't deserve the opportunity to love. (Just saying)

But to leave on a positive note, I have linked the places I have mentioned as I have mentioned them. (scroll over their names and get with the clicking!) And I am also going to post a pre-dated blog about my birthday and the happenings that well, happened. I wrote them down the next day at work but haven't had the time to type them out yet.... so keep an eye out for that too.

Blessed Be,

Friday, June 17, 2011

Pipe Dreams & Steamy Schemes

I went on vacation with some people I work with. We didn't kill each other, HOORAY!

Although it did come close once or twice.

And we even still like each other and we have an abundance of inside jokes.

We went to my hometown. My ex found out and I got yelled at (via txt) for not letting her know I was there and for rubbing it in her face I was there. (When you figure that out, please let me know. Especially since I had already told her about the trip but wasn't txting her a play-by-play while I was there) But yeah... anyway.

I think I'm starting to get to where I want to be emotionally. I don't find myself clinging to people who pay me the slightest amount of attention. Yay! I'm not creepy anymore! Well, not completely.

Don't you hate it when you're in the middle of being absolutely annoying, creepy, or otherwise unattractive and you are AWARE of it but you can't seem to STOP doing whatever it is that is making you a nuisance???? I do that... quite often, actually.

Also, I have found out that I read people quite well or not at all. No fun gray area for me to dabble in. Did I mention I seem to attract girls that just want to experiment, "find themselves" or they see the insecurities and play them against me. *sigh* I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Which is one of the reasons I'm glad I'm staying single. (My whole emotionally-unavailability aside.) Whenever I catch the vibe of "maybe someday" I either open my mouth and say something quite unappealing or they're so wishy-washy it makes me want to scream in their face and stomp around like an angry toddler. So yeah... I'm just saying, ladies. Maybe in a few months.... but until then I will give out rain checks (unless someone REALLY special appears, which I doubt)

Augh.... okay. So I'm talking to the ex again. (I hate calling her 'the ex' btw) Well, not "talking-talking" but I'm communicating with her again. We had a week or so where we barely spoke if at all. But today we've had a pretty substantial txt conversation... and she reminds me what I miss of her, but it feels different now. These last few weeks have made me feel different. I don't want to feel loved anymore, I don't want to love anyone else. (although I would love to feel attractive to someone... yay for being a girl!) I am finding things I am attracted to and learning how to compartmentalize them. I can FEEL the difference in my mind.

Going to the gym helps.
I cannot say that enough.

Going to the gym helps.
Going to the gym helps.
Going to the gym helps.

I met a guy in the steam room today. I usually like to go in there and meditate and I had decided while I was working out that I would really use that to clear my mind today while in the steam room. When the universe wants to send you a message it's not always a self-revelation... sometimes it comes from a complete stranger. I walk in, I felt like the room was full (it's really cloudy in there from all the steam) but when my eyes adjusted I saw there was only one guy and I sat in my usual place. I didn't close the door all the way (sometimes it doesn't latch right, the door needs to be worked on) and he said something about it and closed it. He wasn't mean or anything about it and then introduced himself and promptly what brought me 'here'. I was so struck with the question I had to really think about it. He re-worded it, "In Greensboro, not the gym. I assume we're all at the gym for the same reasons. You go to school?" He was an older gentlemen, so I gave him the same answers I would any other older stranger, "No, I don't go to school but I hope to. July will be a full year of me being in Greensboro. I really like this gym because of all the stuff they offer and I can finally afford the gym" Well, I can't really afford it... but I still manage to pay for it.

We made some small talk about how hot it was in the steam room and about how long we can stand it before leaving, etc. Well, his question was stuck with me once he excused himself and left. I got in my meditative seated position and opened my mind to the universe, as usual. No matter what I did I could not get that man's question out of my head. I couldn't focus. At first I was angry. How dare he mess up my quiet time like that? Doesn't he know it's gross and sweaty in there and I'm awkwardly sitting in a bikini wishing it was pitch black in there? I left a couple minutes later and started doing laps in the pool. At some point during the laps it struck me: He answered my question before I even asked it.

Why am I here?

Isn't that everyone's question about life? love?

I made his question more weighted than it intended to be because it's such a heavy question I've been too chicken to ask myself.

Why am I here?

I'm actively looking for a new place of employment. I've given myself a deadline of January. By January if I'm not financially more stable (or maybe even if I am) I want to move. Either closer to the coast or to another state entirely. I'm starting to research how to become an activist. I want to be an activist for gay rights and the ability to be yourself as well as make music or create art. How might I do this? No idea. I'm hoping that by Jan I will have an idea and be able to take flight with it. Homoground, Laila Nur and going to Pride this year has really lit a fire under me. There were a bunch of kids at Pride and I was amazed. This one little girl was asked by the emcee who she was with, her answer, "My moms" and I wanted to cry. She was such an example of how it ACTUALLY is to grow up in an openly gay home and be normal. (As "normal" can be) But as she said those words with love, I could tell she had struggles at school and most likely had gotten some ridicule from people. I want to somehow find a way to get my message across. I'm good with public speaking so I've been tempted to go to local schools and ask them if they have a Gay and Straight Alliance and what I could do to start one. I want to go to schools and talk about equality. I don't want to encourage change, I want to BE change.

I just hope it isn't a pipe dream.

Blessed Be,

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Turning 24.

I'm bored at work (in the dungeon) so I decided to write a blog about my birthday since I have all this time on my hands. My day yesterday started out at the gym at roughly 6am. I did a couple hours of cardio and then did yoga. It was my first yoga class in well over a year. I did okay but they didn't have real yoga mats to loan out so I basically had some kind of floor cushion and some kind of stretching mat that was very thin and very short. I'm almost 6ft tall, okay... my stretching range is easily 8ft. That tiny ass two mat deal just wasn't cutting it. I couldn't hold certain poses because the mats kept slipping or I was basically on the hard wood floor. (So annoying)

But after Yoga I had a great lunch with my roomie at a place near my house. I had to do some alcohol test for work so I sat there and did that. We kind of had shitty service and they somehow made a bad tasting salad but the company was good and I was learning about alcohol abuse and how to be a bartender.

I came to work early as usual to get something to eat in our cafeteria. They had spaghetti and meatballs and some pasta that looked vegetarian so I got the pasta. (Barely half a cups worth) When I hate it, it felt like I was eating something prickly so I just stopped eating it. I ate the salad instead. I got to the hostess stand and counted my till to start my shift. As I was counting the money it became hard to breath and the inside of my throat started to swell and feel itchy. I work in a hotel so I just grabbed my wallet and headed to the giftshop (It just has meds and candy. Random "I forgot to pack this" stuff, not tacky trinkets.) to get benedryl. I was having a reaction to the tomatoes that were in the pasta. Trying not to panic I asked the people at the front desk, I very well may have been overlooking it. Nope, they couldn't find it either. They check the first aid kit behind the counter--nothing. By this point I know I'm not making it all up in my head because my voice had become strained and I had begun to cough. We have some one down from corporate to help run the front desk (because of bad scores or something) and he just told me to go get benedryl from the pharmacy across the street. Everyone behind the desk was freaking out and it was becoming increasingly hard for me to keep the panic attack at bay. I walk to the sidewalk and one of the bellmen pull up in our company golf-cart and tell me to hop in.

We speed down the sidewalk and across the street. The pharmacy didn't have a small travel size and the pharmacist seemed alarmed at the quality of my voice so he just gave me two from behind the counter. I only take one because I was afraid two would make me fall asleep while standing. My throat is now so swollen it's difficult to swallow but I choke down the pill anyway without any water on the ride back to the hotel. I get back to my work station and chug cold water to keep the swelling down. I was trembling but after an hour I could feel that the swelling had down but I couldn't breath out of my nose.

When I clocked out at 10 O'clock (about 5hrs from the first taking of benedryl) I was so high from the allergy meds but still wanted to go out for my birthday so I went to my favorite gay bar and ordered a beer. I sat by myself slowly sipping my yueng-ling and watching tv or the lesbians outside playing cornhole. One of the regulars came up to re-connect with me and offered to buy my next drink. We talked for a bit and then it was her turn to play pool. I sat back outside and spotted a couple whom I had met through a mutual friend a couple months before. I hung out with them for awhile and some of my old co-workers (whom I had txted hours before with no response) showed up out of the blue. It was a pleasant surprise. I somehow ended up double fisting mixed drinks all night and did probably 6 jello shots. I had the strongest jello shot of my life. It made me gag. One of my current co-workers showed up and hung out with me until the bar closed. I was so intoxicated on top of that benedryl I knew I couldn't drive so we walked to her place instead. It felt like 3miles. (It was actually probably just 1 mile, if that) I bitched the entire way. I was kind of surprised I was still functioning at all. I conked out as soon as my head hit the pillow. She told me today that I was snoring. I wouldn't doubt it. Benedryl makes me snore like I have a cold. I was up for almost every hour of my 24th birthday. It really wasn't soo bad....

I didn't die and I got to wake up next to someone.
(Even if they had to suffer through my drunken benedryl-induced snoring)

Blessed Be,

Thursday, June 9, 2011

You Remind Me

I numbed over yesterday.... but I have a constant tear in one of my eyes. I keep brushing it away like it's a fly. It just leaks out. That's not technically crying, is it?

Yesterday I went to the gym and I really, rightfully, had no desire to. I spent an hour at the gym thinking to myself, "I'd rather be elsewhere"... but the only "elsewhere" I could come up with was being alone in a dark, dark place.

I spilled the beans and told her I was going to be in her part of this planet last night. I didn't mean to... but it just came out. She asked if I wanted to see her while I was there... of course I do... that was never an argument. She kept asking me why and I had no answer. I just do. To be honest I'm not sure if it's a personal reassurance that I'm not some ugly grotesque monster and that she doesn't hate my guts... and maybe to see if she's seeing someone else. Okay, all very selfish reasons. Mainly, I just want to kiss her one last time. But kissing her never feels like a last time... and here stands my issues. She knows and I know that my problems with her aren't 100% her, it's the problems she has around her that she chooses to either dismiss, accommodate (although she shouldn't), or she makes worse. Her problem with me... is well, she lets me get away with some really dumb shit most of the time and I'm a bitch that won't seem to let go of the past. Usher said it best:

You remind me of a girl, that I once knew.
See her face whenever I, I look at you.
You won't believe all of the things she put me through.
This is why I just can't get with you.
"You Remind Me"

Augh, I really don't want to talk about that "us" right now...

So I'm going to talk about cereal. Anyone ever mixed All-Bran & regular Cheerios? I'm going to do that here shortly. I woke up kind of late and decided to do laundry instead of scampering off to the gym asap. So I'm going to eat cereal and hope that my one sports bra doesn't fall into a thousand pieces in the dryer before I force myself through another hour at the gym. The only good thing about me not wanting to go is that I am distracted by all the bitching in my head I end up doing each part of my work out a whole lot longer. I ran a solid 2 miles yesterday, which is huge for me. I ran a bit over that, but nothing to boast about. I did a lot on the rowing machine just because I was tired of being on the stationary bike. I did the rowing machine until my arms wanted to fall off and then just went home.

My birthday is tomorrow. I'm not happy about it. I made plans for some of my friends to meet me at my favorite gay bar after I get off of work..... somehow I feel as if I will be stood up by all of them. Okay, that's just depressing. Valentines day and my birthday are always horribly, nasty, depressing days. (As noted in previous posts) Then I'm going to my hometown for 3 days with one of my roommates and 2 of the girls I work with. We're going to beach it up and panhandle my family for free food. So far I've planned the trip because it's my hometown, I just hope they like the plans I've made. I don't see them yelling "I'D HATE TO GO ON YOUR SISTERS BOAT!" or "Hell no! We won't hang out and meet your best friend!" So I need to chill with the paranoia...

Also, I invited this really cute girl to my birthday gathering. She also happens to be my friend's bff since middle school. I just want to look at her. I don't even care if she invites that dude she's talking to or whatever. She's just one of those super cute people that you want to gawk at and gush about behind her back. I mean... don't get me wrong, I guess it's a crush but I can't offer emotional stability to anyone right now. I just... can't. So I just want to tell her she's pretty, she gives me that little giggle and my birthday might not be so bad. That's all I want, really. I need to get my shit straight before I can allow myself to be emotionally involved with anyone. (I'm saying all this with the obvious of her not returning the affection, at least none that I know of... Hellloooo, I mentioned dude in her life, remember?) And I'm just writing it down because... well, I write everything down. Writing stuff down gives me another prospective on life and helps me better analyze the shit I've already over-analyzed in my head.

Also, I applied for another job in hopes to not be SO buried in debt trying to pay my car off as quickly as possible. Let's hope I see some green coming my way asap.

Blessed Be,

Monday, June 6, 2011

Chasing Amy

I've heard the title of that movie over and over and over when people find out I'm a lesbian. "Have you seen Chasing Amy?! Omg, best lesbian movie ever!" Okay... no. So far, Water Lilies has been the absolutely favorite lesbian movie... to date. But I'm going to rant about Chasing Amy first.

Okay... so... she's gay, and "OMG! I'M GAY GAY GAY GAY!" and then a big MAKE OUT SCENE WITH A DUDE?! Seriously?! Uhhhh... no, bitch. That isn't how this shit works.

Okay, okay. I get it. She was just looking for love and never found it with males. She experimented and then dated women for awhile and then got lovestruck by a man. I know I'm going to sound VERY man hating and such... but let's all face it: The movie was written by a man and it is the ultimate male fantasy to bed a lesbian and make her their own.

The entire movie makes me so angry. So angry and so hurt.

Now don't be mistaken, I have had sexual relations with men before. More than I'd care to fess up to... but that just validates me all the more. I have been in numerous relationships with men... of all ages and shapes and sizes. (Take that how ya want) To be honest, nothing gets me (physically, emotionally... in that romantical kind of way) like a woman does.

The way a woman walks, holds her self... When a woman can chop off all of her hair, wear boxers and be flawless without fitting the "social" mold. O, mama. I love spotting a butch from across the room. Watching her talk with others, move in her clothes that were meant for another gender. It's kind of like her sticking her middle finger into the air to social stigmas and saying, "I'm above your idea of beauty! I am beautiful without your Cosmo sissy, bullshit!" Those soft lips forming around words and making everything excitable.

I can't say a man has ever done that for me. Not even for a little while. I say this and I've been engaged twice... to men. I partially blame my parents for letting me get engaged at such a young age... twice... before I even graduated high school. (Both guys being graduated and in their 20s, mind you) But that's southern culture. Find your husband in high school, get married the summer after graduation and start popping out those kids before you're old enough to consume alcohol.

Such a horrible idea that is.

Now, at the brink of my 24th birthday I cannot imagine dating someone in high school... much less a teenager. There is such a huge emotional evolution between the ages 18 and 21. Fuck, here is a generous learning gap between 21 and 23. I didn't officially step out of the metaphorical closet until I was 21yrs old. I had never even SEEN a gay person until I was 18 when I was interning at a radio station. I got passed along the information by a night DJ... that the mid-day DJ that I had been fantasizing about for years... (as a listener) was a lesbian. It made me question everything. I didn't feel validated... I felt disgusted with myself and guilty. My parents are very religious and I had attended church camps growing up. My first and only celebrity crush since I was 8 or 9yrs old was Angelina Jolie... I never liked any of the men celebs. That should have been a big red flag for me but being gay was not allowed. My town maybe held maybe a thousand people... I had less than 400 people in my entire school and I clung to new kids like you would a life raft. None of the girls I knew were gay and the only time I had heard the word "lesbian" it was hurled at me rather than gently used as a descriptive. I dated guys from other schools or had already been graduated because I felt like there was a bridge built between us that could never be crossed. I only dated men when I saw the blinking exit sign easily attainable.

The guy I was engaged to my senior year asked me to move with him "back home". "Back home" being Anchorage, Alaska. I gladly accepted. I had attempted my first year of college at a community college. My favorite uncle had just died a slow painful death from cancer and his wife of over 20yrs was moving the man she was screwing behind my uncle's back the last few years of his life into my uncle's house. Kicking my cousins out into the streets. Let's just say my entire life was crumbling. I was dealing with my feelings about the woman I worked with at my internship and I had just dropped out of community college with my cousin whom had just lost her father and basically mother. I was angry, confused and everyone else seemed to have bigger problems then me struggling with my sexual urges. And plus, his family was paying for the move.

I moved to Alaska with full intentions of "getting it right" and marrying this guy, having kids and all that bullshit. Well... for those of you who have never been to Alaska... Although Palin has done a really fucking nutjob of representing it on a global level... Anchorage, Alaska is very similar to Greensboro, NC... climate aside. Very liberal and home to many hippies. Probably the most hard core hippies you will ever meet. It's a very diverse place. About a month after moving to this, well basically, new planet... I get a job at a Physical Therapy office as a receptionist. I buy a car. Buying a car was probably the best decision I have ever made in my entire life... second to moving to Alaska. I remember going to the health-nut organic stores and seeking out the lesbians shopping or working there. I would kind of stalk them and feel the lust bubble up inside of me. Not lust because they were attractive, but lust because they could be who they wanted to be and no one seemed to care.

I got an email saying that my high school friend had died just days after buying my car. A girl whom I had my first "homo moments" with. A girl whom I wanted with all my heart and had no idea about it until I had received that email. Her and I had had a falling out quite some time before I had gotten that email... so we hadn't spoken in the better of a year or so. I had a petty crush on her, but we had basically lived together for a couple summers since I was a freshman in high school. For two years I pined for her in ways I didn't even realize. She was my first girl crush but I didn't even know. My life shattered. I remember collapsing and crying for hours before getting enough courage to call a mutual friend of her and I to ask if it was lies. I hoped it was lies. That was my moment of realizing something was "wrong" with me.

Don't get me wrong... losing just a friend is just as devastating... but it felt different. I had lost friends before, but it never felt like losing her did. I told "the Alaska ex" that I couldn't be with him anymore. Not only because he didn't seem to give a shit I was broken into millions of pieces... but because the truth was becoming undeniable. A month later I moved back in with my parents.

Living under my parents roof again not only felt like a new beginning, but a lot of the same old things too. I quickly found a new guy to date which had a quick exit. I had moved in with my grandmother because moving home AND living with my father again was just way too much to stomach on top of everything else. I started working at the radio station again and was dating a guy that was more like a friendship. Or at least to me it was. He was from out of state and hated living in that part of the state as much as I did. Well, I was getting close to being able to afford living on my own and working two jobs.... I had also met a girl at one of my jobs.

She had short hair, huge blue eyes and lips I dreamed of at any spare moment. She was close to my age and stunning. I couldn't fight it anymore. I couldn't. I had to be with her. Not because she was the first opportunity to be in a relationship with a female... but because my entire everything wanted her to want me back. It was very obvious by how she dressed that she was gay. After our first conversation and her dropping the "ex girlfriend" phrase... it was all I could do not to make a scene by forcing my mouth on to hers. The guy I was dating quickly realized I was in love with someone else.... to his dismay it was with a female. He broke things, yelled, kicked me out. Crying and angry he called me a "fucking dyke".

I drove home that night fighting the urge to show up at her doorstep and just ask for a hug. That's all I wanted. I was still living with my parents and knew that it was unacceptable for me to be in love with a female.... but hours before my last male ex had called me a "fucking dyke" she had told me she wanted to kiss me back... and that made everything okay.

That, is true. That is real life. That is how people find out who they are. Through situations in life and I am truly jealous of those bold enough and brave enough to be openly gay while in high school. To take that leap and try to be with someone of the same sex... not because it's trendy, but because it's the only thing that feels right. It's what matters. It breaks my heart to hear of these suicides because they either were struggling with how it made them feel... or because others made them feel wrong the way I felt wrong. Because they were brave enough to do something (be gay. Just to be gay) I was terrified of doing when I was in their shoes. I could've easily been them... but I was too weak to recognize in me what they were so aware of and feared living with for the rest of their lives.... so they chose not to have a "rest of".

I'm not exactly sure why I typed out my "coming out" story... but this is just my personal "coming out". When I came out to my family.... well, it was a whole 'nother story.

And basically: Chasing Amy was full of man-written bullshit.

That is all.

Blessed Be,

Sunday, June 5, 2011

I have very vivid dreams.

Last night I had a dream that I was Sookie Stackhouse.... Also, that Sam, the warewolves and Bill were after me. All of them. They all wanted me so bad. The only one I allowed in was Bill (who kept flickering into my ex during the dream) and Sam was a dog most of the time chasing me or protecting me... and I was mainly in the dark.

In the midst of that at some point during the dream Sookie got knocked down by a fence and I was approaching her. I got it in my mind that I want to rape her. (Sorry if that word is painful for any readers) So I look down at Sookie who suddenly flickers into me. I continue to abuse her and do what I want to her body. She screams, fights, kicks... bites... Does whatever she/I can to get me off of her/I. She/I cannot do anything... I do what I want until I don't anymore. I get off of myself and let her/I run off broken and crying. A smile creeps over my face and I wake myself up and roll over. Taking a few moments to breath with my eyes open. Not ready to get out of bed, but not ready to continue getting whatever message my dreams are trying to tell me.

I looked up the word Rape in a Dream Dictionary and this is what it says:

To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.
To see a rape being committed in your dream, denotes sexual dysfunction or uncertainty.

Okay, so just let that sink in... Obviously the stuff about opposite sex is null because well... I'm not my opposite sex. I'm not even one of those girls who dresses like a guy. (Nothing wrong with that either, I find those ladies rather attractive) So... yeah... I'm the one who is violating myself and taking advantage of me. I'm forcing things upon me. The last sentence, "To see a rape being committed in your dream denotes sexual dysfunction or uncertainty" hits home better than anything else... Well, if "dysfunction" means "not getting any" but "uncertainty" is quite true. I don't feel attractive because I'm use to sex being the catalyst for that feeling. Without sex I'm worthless, ugly and a big fat tub of lard. (With my logic... skewed and nasty, I know...)
Okay, so after the rape scene I (now Sookie) run to Bill because of what happened and I have what I think is Sam chasing me but it's some OTHER shifter that is working for the warewolves and I run home to my room that is in the attic and very dark. I always am lighting candles throughout the dream when I'm in that room and something always surprises me, usually Bill. Well, I light the candles this time and the dog I thought was Sam transforms into some other man (Whom I called by name but have now forgotten) and I shriek. I turn to my bed and see 3 warewolves lounging on my bed. I scream again and they all jump me and I can feel them ripping at my skin, tearing my hair out and blood leaking out of open wounds. I scream for Bill and Bill never comes.
I wake up startled. I put my sleep mask up and say aloud, "fuck sleep." and here I am... awake... and disturbed with the images of getting raped by myself and then killed by a pack of dogs. I've looked up similar words in the dictionary and they all kind of jive with whats going on in my life... and it's not good. None of it. It's all "You're insecure" and "You really want to succeed in your waking life but something is getting in your way, possibly yourself" kind of stuff and yeah... I already knew that guys, THANKS! I didn't need the grotesque horror show to make me aware.
There was also some point in the dream where Bill is telling me how gorgeous I am. He kept using the word "gorgeous" he wouldn't use pretty, beautiful or any of those other descriptions. I remember my hair being VERY curly and I'm dressed to the 9s. People keep stopping me and telling me how gorgeous I am but I keep shaking my head and thanking them but saying "No, I'm not..." Then I get to someone that grabs me by the arms, we're face to face... the woman has a kind of melty face and looks eery zombie-like and she screams at me, "Realize you're gorgeous already so the rest of us can stop suffering!"
Puzzled. Just... Puzzled. I don't know how I'm making anyone suffer... for any reason... well, except maybe the ex but that is hardly on purpose.... we're both kind of suffering for different reasons... or maybe the same?
I'm finding it exceedingly hard to stay single just for the pure fact of not wanting to be alone at the end of the day. That is NOT a valid reason to run out and get a girlfriend. I promise you. I tried that... and it got me into a difficult long distance thing that left me more broken than before because I am realizing my false pretenses.
Finding validation in myself has become the hardest feat I've ever tried. It's making me doubt my ability to do anything else in my life. Being in or out of a relationship has become the main subject between every group of friends I have. Even last night it was talked about with a group I haven't hung out with in some time.
Mainly everyone is saying they've been single for 3yrs. I didn't even inquire of when the last they had sex... because I knew it'd be much sooner and as I am learning: Sex does not equate relationship. Silly me for thinking it does, but that doesn't leave me innocent on casual sex. I'm fueled by sex. I'm finding myself breaking a part slowly and surely because I don't have those happy endorphins that happen during that sensual part of life. And to just graze over the subject, I don't pleasure myself. Just can't. In the literal: I can't get myself off.
So being "frustrated" is only the human term for what I'm going through right now. I know it gets better with time, as does everything... but I've never had to "go through it" before.
But it all boils down to the same shit as I talked to earlier in this blog. So yeah... I should go to the gym now. That's the only place I get my jollys off these days.

Blessed Be,

Friday, June 3, 2011

Hooray for Earth

Yet again, another tune, on repeat... for hours. I really love this song. I cannot for the life of me find the damned lyrics but I'm PRETTY sure it goes something like: "This time no love is what I need / but I want to, want to learn. / I want to want to learn" and that part reallyreallyreally jives with me. It's suck to me and got caught in my hair like a spider web. (In a far less annoying terrifying way) I have to listen to it twice every time it plays.

Okay, it's official... I have a love affair. With the rowing machine. I love it. I was on it for quite some time today. I can get all the aggressions out. I can feel it everywhere: legs, arms, abs.... Also, I feel it after I leave. I hate leaving the gym and not feeling SOMETHING! It makes it a waste otherwise.

Today at the gym I had a theme that I kept reminding myself of, that theme was:

Do something different.

I started out my normal slow start/hard finish 1 mile on the treadmill and I did the mile in 9mins. Impressive (for me) but not good enough. I miss my 6min 1 miles. I need to get that back. It means running at the 7-8ish mph thingy which you REALLY have to move your ass so you won't fall over or break something... but I'm warming up to it. Then I did some stretches and decided to do things differently. I walked around and attempted some new machines I've never even seen before... did the rowing machine, and then decided to ask the nice lady behind the counter for a basketball. No one was on the court so I thought it was safe to make a fool of myself.

I played a lot of basketball in my preteens... A LOT! After baseball (being too old to be accepted into the boy teams anymore, everyone wanted me to play softball) I needed to find something and basketball was it. Although I loathed playing with the girls. Girls (at that age) are so damn prissy and "Don't hurt me" and the boys would plow me over, help me up and then we'd just scamper off after the ball together. I played basketball with the boys during school hours in gym class (Even though the gym teacher thought I was just trying to flirt with the boys instead of get away from the girls whining) and the community basketball teams had a good diverse group and most
of the girls in the team weren't prissy. Then I got too old for it and HAD to get into softball.

But anyway...

I played 15mins of bball today and it was great. I chased the ball and quickly remembered some stuff from "way back when" and it was great. I was kind of sad that there was no one in the gym after a couple minutes. Even though I wouldn't make a lot of points... it would be nice to "fight" for the ball. I love street ball. I kind of miss it. My cousin breathes, eats, loves, basketball. He's obsessed. If I ever was like, "Hey, meet me at the gym in five for a pick-up game" he'd be there, no questions. He didn't even care that I was such an easy win. Obviously I was no match for him in a game he worships.... but it was still fun. He'd even let me win sometimes. (to encourage me to keep playing, I think) My arms are so sore from just 15mins of solo shooting. I need to get back into a sport pronto. It'd give me something to look forward to.

The steam room was getting cleaned so it kind of messed my routine up but I did as many laps in the pool as my arms would allow (which wasn't much) and then I eased my way into the hot tub. I had this calming wave come over me and I smiled to myself. Today will be a good day. So far it's been great. I came home, sat on the front porch and ate while I read. My roommate got up and took me to get coffee. I got a raspberry iced tea and the lady gave me a 31oz cup "because we only have one left!" for the price of a venti. There was a cute chick on the patio that I got to look at for a little while when my roommate and I sat out there chatting before coming back home. It was nice.

Now I'm about to hop in the shower and attempt to be girly for work. Maybe do my hair... I'm not feeling the make up today though... I can't wait until I get rid of my stinkin' glasses. This month, hopefully, I can pay off my car... mostly. Then next month I can take a big chunk out of what I owe for rent and by November I should have everything paid off.... (Including my new computer) And then hopefully by Jan or Feb I should have my own place. Either a 1 bedroom or a roommate and I situation. Hopefully a 1 bedroom, I REALLYREALLY want to live by myself. I'm tired of having roommates.... in general. I'm better by myself. I may not even be in Greensboro by February... I have no idea.

Okay, work now.

Blessed Be,


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Random Nonsense [fueled by coffee]

I love the shaky feeling of drinking too much coffee and having an empty stomach. I'm not sure why. It makes me feel like I have super powers or just an over flow of energy. I want to run a thousand miles and jump fences and battle zombies.

Obviously I don't do any of those things... usually I just sit at the computer, farm on farmville and let my leg shake with vigor and without shame. I don't like to shake my leg in front of others, I think it exposes my anxiety that I would rather keep closeted.

I got extremely drunk last night and bitched about my love life... go me. I'm so grand. Then I met someone that I could possibly like-like some day and totally made an ass out of my self. (Typical)

I don't know how I manage to always bury myself in a very deep bottomless hole when I'm attracted to someone.... but I do. It's like word diarrhea and the next day I'm left with a mental hangover of "omg I'm so fucking stupid" I have emotional hangovers quite often and usually more than the physical alcoholic kind.

I'm so menstrual I hate myself. Okay, well the hating myself came before the organic pain of being a woman this month... but I'm starting to over come. By every hour, every conversation, every song that plays... every visit to the gym. I know I'm being dramatic because I'm a woman and I'm very much a full-fledged emotional mountain of ick right now. I feel like a leaky faucet that when it was attempted to get fixed the pipes explode.... furthering the issue of brokenness.

I don't know how I manage to do this to myself and I won't shut up about it. I need validation. I know it. I'm aware of my insecurities but I can't seem to fix them. I want them fixed in hours not days. But I guess that's everyone's gripe in life.

At least I've stopped crying. Crying takes so much out of me. It pulls and tugs deep from my soul and I pour it all out. You'd think it'd make me feel better... but it doesn't. I just makes my face puffy and my nose incredibly annoying. It solves nothing.

I want to go to another state. I want to pack up what will fit in my car and just drive. Drive and see things. Be things. Create things and sell them to pay for gas. I often day dream of when my car is paid off (in 2 months) I will quit my corporate job and drive to a random location and be a nomad. Untied to a car payment and my only bill be gas and cellphone. I will end up living where the money runs out until I can afford to drive again. My material possessions only being an endless amount of CDs and a laptop.

Okay... so I just realized that my birthday is exactly 10 days away. I am terrified of birthdays. They come at me like a bad rain cloud. I usually end up very very drunk. (Either alone or with friends) I do a lot of dumb shit. Then I cry myself to sleep. Yes, every birthday pans out in a very similar way. An ex will call or txt and I will be emotional and drained at the thought of living on this planet unsatisfied for another year. The idea of celebrating the past year of failure just boggles me. So I drink until the imagined pain goes away. It never does.

I'm an alcoholic.
I know it.

Just because I don't drink every day and my life isn't in shambles because of that liquid-disaster doesn't mean I'm not an alcoholic. I'm at the very least 3rd generation alcoholic on my dads side. I'm aware of what it can do to families because it happened to me. I have the reasoning of a drunk in my sober state of mind. Sometimes I reason with myself and try to talk myself out of things... just to do them later. I say things that hurt people without even thinking that it could possibly hurt someone. Someone once told me that I'm not actually an alcoholic because I'm aware of it. People with problems don't know they are problems. (And the fact that I choose food over alcohol when it comes to a budget of money) Okay... so I'm a responsible alcoholic. I am so conscious of my effort to not let drink take over my life it's become a paranoia. If I've drank every day for a period of time I won't allow myself to drink for days or even months after that. If I have a really bad hang over that lasts into the next night I won't drink for quite some time after that.

I refuse to be my father.
that's what all this really boils down to.

Okay, I'm spouting non-sense... I should stop now.

Blessed Be,