Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Flash Backs

There are many moments I go over in my head... over and over and over... I replay and pause and slow down, I analyze and try to remember every single word that was spoken. Evey mouth movement and memorize how lips formed certain words, hand gestured that molded the moment... everything.

Oddly enough, as of late, I have been replaying a moment in my lifetime that seems quite... well... not one I'm proud of.

The year was 2009? I'm guesstimating... I'm horrible at time recollection.

Well, I'm having a sit down with my then-boss. I was working for a broadcasting company (aka: an oldies station. I produced the morning show and hated the material but loved the work environment... sans my PD). The day previous I had forgotten to switch a switch or pull a lever; the bullshit they paid me for, basically. The station had been dead-air for 12hrs or so (even before anyone noticed... HELLOOOOO, no one was listening anyway.) and I was to be dealt with.

We stare at each other. We both know what's coming. I expected to be fired and was looking for the relief. No one was available to do my shift, I hoped he would get stuck with it. I hated him in a fiery passion. When I talked about him I talked like a feminist because he was such a chauvinistic pig. He openly protested against women being in the office and made a point to stick me as a receptionist after my original 5am-11am shift (sometimes making me work 13hr shifts) because they refused to hire a new one... the previous one was also African-American and he openly had distaste for that double-whammy in the office. So let's just say I wouldn't be sad about being fired. I just hated that he'd take so much pleasure in it.

"You know why I called you in here" he says. I nod. "You're aware of the major neglect that you had." I nod, trying to look sad. I was in-fact disappointed at my neglect. In all truth-- I had fucked up. "You could be fired over this." He continues, with a smug look on his face. "But instead, we're just going to suspend you for two weeks, with no pay." I nod again, looking him in the eye, hoping he'd stop talking soon so I could go home and get a much needed nap. "Have you got anything to say for yourself?"

I took a deep breath, "I fucked up. I know I did. I'm grateful for the second chance and I will take my two weeks." I totally needed a vacation, I was excited to get two weeks without waking up at 4am and lumbering into work with one eye open. I yearned for the day I could sleep in until noon and lounge around and do nothing. I lived with my parents at the time and could survive two weeks without a paycheck, no big deal.

He stared at me, whatever I had said had really pissed him off. How dare I take my punishment with poise and respect for both parties involved? He wanted me to suffer.... so he prodded me, "Do you even want this job?"

No, I didn't. "Yes I do." I said, "Music is a passion of mine, I've worked in this building going on three years now. I'm glad you guys hired me after I moved back into town and found the building under new management. I will do whatever it takes to make it in this business."

Again, strain, anger and his smug look was now gone, so again... with the prodding, "It's so hard to read you. You have such a relaxed view on life sometimes it's hard to tell if you even give a shit about this company. You just do what you're told and go home. We need someone here that's going to go an extra mile, someone that is going to be innovative to the company. Someone who is going to push the limits and do whatever it takes to help this company along. Can you do that?"

Okay... first off, I was waking my non-morning-loving-ass up at 4 fucking a-m for his women-hating republican ass, many times not leaving until sometimes 7 or 8pm because I had started loading commercials and helping imaging with voices for commercials and sweepers and whatever the fuck else. I was going on remotes without getting paid ON TOP OF me sucking up his outwardly condescending attitude towards any vagina in the office. What else did he want me to do?

I bit my lip and raised my voice only slightly, "Am I fired? Because if not I'd really rather just leave right now and come back when my two weeks is up. I load commercials, I do what you want me to do and every time I try my best to get an on-air shift you tell me I won't be able to move the mouse around fast enough. I don't know what else you want me to do! If you will tell me what the 'extra mile' is, I will do it. Until then, I can't read minds. I'm also very sorry for fucking up. I'm aware I did something wrong so I'm taking the punishment. You want me to yell? You want me to get angry? I'm sorry, but that just doesn't seem right. I did something wrong so I'm taking the punishment, simple as that. I do what I'm told and go home because that's all I know. It's impossible to learn something if no one is willing to be a teacher... and when I do find a teacher you tell me no. It seems to me that you're the only one holding me back, not myself. Now... am I fired?"

"No, you're not fired." He said looking up to me, because I had stood up to say what I wanted to say.

"See you in two weeks."

I slammed the door and left. Five days later I get a call and a lecture. My PD wanted me back but on a trial period. I knew no one was able to work my shift and take up my slack. I knew he wouldn't last a full seven days without me. I ended up getting fired later that year because I misread my schedule (that they so often changed without mentioning to me) and missed a shift completely. I was sad, but only because I was going to be missing a pay check. He got fired a year or two later for "running the company into the ground."

Small victories.

I'm not exactly sure why I keep reliving that moment in my life, but a smile comes across my face every time I recall it.

I was being punished, rightfully so, yet I still didn't give him the gratification of me crying or tearing myself down... don't let people get the best of you. It's a waste of everyone's time... and I'm sure the person trying to tear you down needs the reality check.

Blessed Be,

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


Inspiration either taps you on the shoulder, gently whispers in your ear... or rattles you awake for weeks.

I haven't been able to sleep for a week. I've had this blog idea for a while, I guess... it comes and goes. But it's just an idea, I have tons of them. I have so many ideas it would probably make the entire planet wobbly on it's axis.

I know my idea isn't original and there are probably tons of them... but inspiration isn't exactly about being original, it's about MAKING it original. So I'm attempting it. So that will be 2 blogs I've started in 2 weeks. I'm aware that not everyone likes reading and not everyone is interested in the bloggasphere but it helps keep me balanced and I'm "faking it" until I make it, in a sense.

I want to be a writer, I guess I always have but haven't thought of actually making money with it. I have never gone to school to be a writer, and will probably end up just being a high school English teacher... but it's something. By practicing as much as possible I can make my talent into a trade. I don't doubt myself, just need to push myself. I'm afraid of spreading myself too thin.... but I've feared I've cut myself off from opportunities. I need to just do it. If you don't strive for something, you'll never get it.

I don't expect for any offers to fall into my lap. I don't expect to make millions from writing blogs or even anything else for that matter... but I'll never know if I don't try.

Blessed Be,

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I strongly feel that the universe sends signals.

Recently I seem to have been over-exposed to people very, very broken after a break-up.

Now, I realize that everyone handles breakups quite differently. Not everyone cries, not everyone is heart-wrenchingly upset. Not everyone finds it debilitating after someone leaves them out of personal choice-- rather than death.

The few break-up stories I have been exposed to recently (all on podcasts, btw) the person is borderline sobbing and could easily be misunderstood as someone who has recently had someone die. These people have been grieving the death of a relationship for the better of a year (or more) and the tears roll down their faces like the funeral was yesterday-- not full calender months ago.

I am truly take aback and puzzled at this. Yes, I've had really bad breakups. Yes, from previous posts you can see that I am still hanging on to someone from (kind of) more than a year ago... but I don't break down in tears when someone mentions her name or sob uncontrollably at the thought of her with someone else. I do recall being inconsolable for a certain amount of weeks and sobbing for hours to the songs, "Wait it out" by Imogen Heap & "Call it Off" by Tegan & Sara... and after throwing myself into a (horrible) rebound relationship with someone quite terrible I found myself retreating across city lines trying to escape from her. (and it still not being enough)

As I listened to 3 separate podcasts express ideas, stories and songs about being broken up with I tried to remember being that emotional about someone else. I tried to muster up that type of pain deep inside of me. 

I got nothing.

The jury is still out on the cause of this lapse in memory but I assure you that I've been quite sad before. In middle school I was burdened with being 'the weirdo' and 'the bitch'. I was mistreated at home so I would go to school and take it out on my only friend. (That friend has since never truly, in her heart, forgiven me for how I treated her, even after much apologizing and it being over 10yrs ago... but I can't really blame her) I remember praying to whom-ever could hear my cries to just take the oxygen from my lungs and let me die so then maybe someone would at least pretend to have loved me. I was so very sad-- but that never seemed to involve someone else. I always figured they justifiably didn't want me. (I guess that still lingers a bit today)

Have I avoided being hurt (honestly hurt) by someone by my own depression? I would also like to point out that I am terrified at the thought of a 'forever' with someone else. It seems like an alien idea. I say this and then remember the jealousy I have over the coupled people who live together and seem to be in that 'forever' situation. I've always been a 'for right now' type of gal. The one (legit) time I saw myself in a forever situation I got dumped for a curious-but-straight bimbo... so let's just say the feeling comes and leaves in the same second.

I've been reallyreally upset about a girl not wanting me or giving me the run-around and songs that remind me of them. I've lost friends to death or decision and they seem to impact my heart strings quite a bit... but the ones who have died always get the tears as oppose to just the 'I miss them' feeling.

Maybe it's because I have had so many people close to me leave me by death. Those that leave by decision always have hope left and when there is hope there is healing. I can never have another conversation with my deceased friends to end our radio silence. I can never mend what was broken--- But my alive friends: I can email, facebook, tweet, phone call and txt my way back into their good graces. (Or at least attempt to) So being abandoned by decision just feels open-ended. Anything can happen. They are still alive and maybe think of me sometimes, even miss me on occasion-- this goes for exes as well. To mourn the loss of a relationship like the opposing person is dead just seems a bit silly to me. I reserve my ultimate sadness and regret for a situation that is the only 'forever' situation I can seem to see myself in-- death; the deceased.

Then, here comes my next revelation-- Those who thrive in sadness.

Such beauty has come from individuals bitten by the sorrow bug. Some of the greatest songs ever sung would have never come to pass if they had not relished in the feeling of woe. They held hands with sadness and sang it a lullaby. They sobbed over canvas and their fingers bled as they formed the right notes, the right paint, the right instrument to express the hurt, love and longing. Long elaborate poems and plays were written in the search of closure from the pain and anguish from a lost loved one. (decision or death) These beings got comfortable with their pain and made a home in it, enjoying the feeling. They believed that no one else would bring them such joy (or sadness) like those whom have left them.

Love and pain are so passionate and so close in relation. They are brother and sister, as both are very different but came from the same beginning. Its for you to decide which is more unhealthy or unstable. Which is worth the risk. Break-ups suck, being turned down isn't fun.... But finding someone worth feeling for can be a rare but beautiful thing.

I say embrace what makes you satisfied-- whether it be tears or affection.


Sunday, July 17, 2011


I have never been so excited to see three zeros grouped together like that before.

Long story short, I finally paid off my car.

That's right bitches-- I own my shit! I paid it off on the 15th when I got paid. Best thing I've ever spent an entire paycheck on! I feel like the world is truly my oyster now. I'm not tied down by such a large chunk of money anymore. It's actually going to be another 2 months before I can really tell that I'm not making a car payment anymore... but it's so worth it. I'm so fucking excited to be out from under such debt.

I also have an exciting announcement but I won't make an officially statement on it until I am officially instated in it. It's a second job... kind of... "job" being a lack of a better description of it. It's not monetary but it will be well worth it and it's a step towards my endgame goal for life... so HOORAY! I just told you a lot of nothing about something!
Behold the suspense!!!!!! is being a big ole cuntbag right now. It refuses to load my library and I can't listen to a radio station. It's fucking pissing me off. I've been listening to Tegan & Sara radio all day on Pandora instead. I would really rather listen to said station on but whatever. If that is the only shitty thing to happen to me, I'm truly in a blissful state of being.

I had an amazing night lastnight. Laila Nur had a concert at a local coffee shop (that I of course missed because Corporate America has me by the short hairs) and she had an after party. I was able to attend the after party and it was glorious. Having musician friends is the most enriching thing ever. Everyone seemed to show up armed with a musical instrument. An older gentleman with a bag of flutes, an amazing dude with a very thick accent of sorts played the most amazing up-close electric violin I've ever heard.... and of course a slew of guitarists. The party was magical. Everyone jammed together, I even sang some (Whoa now... that shit's serious) and I was overcome with this euphoric bliss that cannot be described in words. My friend and I walked home since it was just a couple miles away from my house (I had told my ride to go ahead and leave since she had to wake up early) and about a quarter of the way home we realized it was kind of a bad part of town (once we reached the main road) so I pulled out my pocket knife. I felt gangster. Luckily, no one had to get stabbed.

I've slept like a baby since I paid off my car. Obviously I had been stressing quite seriously about my car payment and what made me short-changed to do so. I face August with still only pennies (after bills are paid) but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can feel my future forming together as it should be.

Blessed Be,

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Old Blog, Meet New Blog.

This is an entry from my myspace from way back in the day. It is dated 1/12/2009.
Enjoy. :]

I can live in a movie if I friggin' want to, okay!

My dreams are filled with vampires, warewolves, zombies and magical fairy wonders. I live in a fantasy world that is all my own. Where the scariest of things roam and the sweetest most magical of things glitter.
Some might say that's me fabricating the bad and good in my life and that's how I deal with things in my life I otherwise might crack under. But I've already cracked. It's those things that are leaking out.
Lastnight as I tossed and turned and tried to fight the urge to pull out my paints and do something spontaneously wonderful I ground my teeth feeling the pressure in my jaws. What am I waiting for? What is holding me back? I want to do such wonderful things with my time but yet all I do is spend it drinking, going to concerts and writing teenage fantasy novels instead of going to school and trying to find a better job.
At what point am I meant to go, "Whoa, I'm too old for this."? Sometimes I fear I will never get out of my fantasy world. I will be 33 living with my parents working retail. [Holy hell, I hope not.]
My ex [Whom still echoes in my head, he's like the evil spirit from those cartoons that would always try to drag down the hero mentally] use to say constantly, "We're not in a movie, Beth. Stop trying to pretend that life is scripted and everyone is going to end up happy and your life's problems are going to conclude with a moral of the story type bullshit. Get over yourself."
I would sigh, nod in agreement and think silently that I can live in a blasted movie, if I damn well please! Why the hell not? It makes life tolerable. It makes all of my mistakes, social fumbles and otherwise failures in life seem geared towards a greater ending. As the credits roll I want someone sitting in the audiance going, "Wow, my life means more now that I witnessed that." I want to help others come to realizations about their own life and dreams to spring from my own creations.
I know I can't fix everything. I know it. I'm aware. But nowhere does it say that I have to do things the way my ancestors did. There is nothing wrong with being different by default. I don't go out of my way to be "special" or even "interesting." Someone in my family told me that I do things just to piss people off. To stir them up. That my complete whole purpose was to make people angry.
Yeah... the zen girl struggles in life because she is striving to piss people off. What a movie plot, right?
So I've been all sorts of paranoid recently. I am known to do whatever I want whenever I want, because life is fucking short. There are only a few times I've thought, "Hmmm, this is going to really hurt/piss off/ruin this person...... O well." And that usually comes with a very legit reason and I deal with the consequences as they fall. [But it's always worth it in the end.]
But I digress.
Life is spent trying to figure out your purpose. When I honestly feel the purpose of life is to live. To survive as long as you can, and die somewhat pleased with your past exsistance. In two years your nothing but a memory and in fifty you are forgotten. I saw a quote that said something like, "A weak mind relies on religion, a logical mind relies on science" and I quite believe it. You can believe in whatever the fuck you want, but the science of it is... You live, you die. Worms eat you, you are the ultimate fertilizer for this world. We are at the top and bottom of the food chain. Our bodies are the literal fuel that runs this planet. Don't make it any greater than that.
Wow, I just sounded really cynical. I think about it constantly. The only failures in life are those bastards molesting kids and killing their wives. [And of course all those other dastardly deeds that cause someone to lose their life or sanity] Everyone else is doing just fine. So don't down yourself because your blahblah age doing blahblah "unaccomplished" things. Just be. Strive for more, I encourage that.... but don't think you are a "lesser" person just because you don't perform brain surgery or make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.
If you are happy with your life, stay happy. If you aren't, change it.
It's just that simple.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

You are your own scholar.

What are people worth? Is there a dollar amount? Is there a weight to the quality of a person?

I believe a lot of people take others for granted. Words are spoken (or not) that will one day be regretted. I've had a sinking feeling recently that my days are numbered. At any time I will breathe my last breath. I will be granted the big darkness. I have gotten this feeling a few others times in my life. I write a 'suicide' letter in my paper journal and hope that when the time comes I've said all I needed to say and kissed whom-ever needed it.

As morbid as it seems, I like that I get that reality check on life. Obviously I haven't died so my feelings of impending doom may just be that... or karmically I have been left alive... but with this startling reminder that life is fleeting I find myself poetically telling people how much they mean to me and apologizing to my mother for the debt I will leave behind.

It all boils down to self-worth and being self-aware. Seeing past all the bullshit and being honest with yourself. Your existence may always be in question but that doesn't mean your intentions have to be. There are many people that want to pull you down and are so obsessed with your reaction they can't find validation within them self and they form shallow relationships with others in hopes of finding that glimmer of validation they refuse to see within themselves. I'm not much for the Christian Bible as a religious document but as a book of imagery and poetry its a beautiful work of art. (Parts of it, anyway) It's kind of sad but I've always loved the image of the devil being a prowling lion in a thick grass waiting to pounce.

1 Peter 5:8 
Be Alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

I've always viewed the devil as other people who see the brightness and greatness within you and since they can't harness their own greatness they want to jump you like a lion and rip out everything they wish they had. You don't notice you are being stalked until the lion is on top of you ripping and clawing at you.

The lion is on top of you-- Instinct kicks in, you fight and scream. Now pause. This is when you can use your power over the lion. By removing yourself from the situation and using what you KNOW about yourself instead of what that person is claiming about you. Because let's face it-- they have no idea about you. You are your own scholar. You could write a book about you. This person only knows about you second hand.

I know this all sounds like a self-help book but... just stick with me.

I have this theory on people. I view us as chemicals. As we "mix" we have different reactions. We all start out a clear liquid, as our chemicals mix (on any level) they change colors, give a reaction-- or don't at all. These reactions vary from chemical to chemical. Eventually your chemical gets over-mucked with those its come in contact with. You can never remove those contaminants but you can learn how to manage them.

I read in one of my old blogs not too long ago about something someone once told me: 
You cannot control how others act, but you can control how you react.

That statement holds so true in all cases and all situations in life. You can in no way truly control someone else's behavior but you definitely can control your own. That is something I really had to grasp as I was coming out of my teenage years.

You can't make anyone love you.
You can't make anyone like you.
You can't make anyone want you.
You can't make anyone listen to you.

Even if you could force someone to do any of those things -- would it feel legit? Would you forever question what they truly thought of you?

With that said -- You can't un-crazy someone who hasn't found the mature inner-zen. The best thing you can do is step back and let the master healer (time) go to work. We are creatures of habit, obsession and negativity. I truly believe that being negative is what comes natural... it's the overcoming that negativity and becoming positive that's hard.

I guess all of this is just me saying I'm okay again and am happy with myself. No one can bring me down from this. I have amazing friends and I am so very grateful for them. 

Love you guys.


Monday, July 4, 2011

This is me, whining to my blog.

Okay, so how important is $5 to you? Probably not much if you aren't stoned out of your mind most of the time.

Well, let's just say it was so serious I had to block some phone numbers from my phone for harassment. It's amazing how childish people can be. Quite, astounding.

People, get the negativity out of your life... don't think people will change when you see that obviously they have not.

I'm going to let the children play at day care while I run with the adults from now on.

Lesson. Learned.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Friends don't do this to Friends.

I'm quickly realizing that there is another step in the self-growth process that others never mention.... It's accepting when others don't accept you.

I mean, I guess that kind of falls into the "don't let others get to you" and "If they don't really want to treat you right than you're better off without them." But what if they just completely brush you off?

Or use you as a filler?

Or still want to be your friend although they are slowly leaking your heart of all blood?

If I had a gun I'd have no feet at this point. I am the master of shooting myself in the foot. Instead, I carry a knife... so I tend to slowly stab away and leave bloody footprints on my way out.

At what point is the "worth" out weighing the pain? I'm quickly realizing I have no will power when it comes to this individual and I'm going to have to stop being around her completely. (Which will be difficult, I'm sure)

We got together again, and I really didn't want to. Really... I didn't. When I realized how it was all going to pan out (I was stupid and got too drunk to drive... and yeah... that made me a perfect target) I got extremely drunk in hopes to not remember it. I succeeded. She got annoyed the next day when I confessed to her that I didn't remember any of it. It's better that way. It's better for me that way... I've given up on being concerned about her feelings in this. (When has she ever thought about mine?)

And I'm really starting to question the whole "friend" aspect of our relationship too. I mean... I've got lots of friends that I don't get really drunk and fuck. LOTS of them. Past and present. I also have a lot of friends I don't fuck and then go and fuck an ex boyfriend over and over and in between.

It's getting old. Very old. I'm over it... I'm so over feeling like a victim or feeling dumb over this bullshit.


But I can already tell that if I talk to her about this I'm just going to feel like a dumbass and somehow I'm going to end up being sucked in again... and three weeks from now I will be writing a very similar blog describing how sick and twisted and empty I feel over this... "friend"... of mine.

Also, I'm thinking about making another blog that will be a secret. If I can keep my networking minions away from it.

That is all.

Also, I dreamed of a pretty girl lastnight that I met briefly once... we were having coffee at a bar and discussed rain patterns then I walked her home in the rain and we danced under pretty color  umbrellas. *sigh* If only my dreams could take over for a day....

Blessed Be,