Sunday, February 12, 2012


I can't shake this feeling. The sadness. The woe. The disparity. The empty chair across from me mocks me.

What am I doing here? Why am I spinning my wheels?

Reading Anaïs Nin will be the death of me. Her stories of finding herself through her husband's money and other men's perceptions. Recreating herself and conforming to each man as if he held the key to who she truly is. It saddens me to know that this is what most females do... And why I remain emotionally unattached through most of my adult life.

Okay, so not all legitimate relationships are defined as man and woman. (And I don't like pretending like the rest of the world that only the opposite sex can have real love.) Only in context of Anaïs Nin do I speak of the dynamic of lost self and seeking self via opposite sex... Well, sex. She does it all wrong and so realistically human it's amazingly beautiful. It's like graffiti on a condemned building.

For a large part of my life I've felt very alone. Although my complaints seem loud and annoying up here there are many times I was pleased with my solidarity. It only got lonely when I was reminded of the shallow loveless sex I was having induced by large amounts of alcohol and fellow loneliness. Maybe I see the flaws in the character of Sabina because I lived them. I live them many times over. In search of self I escaped into brief moments of lust and lingering desires of a heart un-quenched by life.

That damn empty chair.

I have driven an hour out of my hometown for coffee and to sequester myself to my thoughts. Clear my head... Only to make it more cloudy. Clarity only comes when it is undesired. Now I am highly caffeinated and feeling alone by my own hand. I was going to treat myself to dinner and a movie. (The usual treat for sadness and needing a distraction... A date by myself) I find myself yearning for my counterpart in the most embarrassing of ways. A thousand miles between us and what am I waiting for? Days to come and go, a couple more hours on the paycheck... My heart to burst and death to bestow its last laugh at my attempts of happiness.

I spent all weekend torn in two directions. Should I stay or go? I'm staying for selflessness and wanting to leave out of selfishness.... But why stay when the selflessness is going unnoticed by those you want to notice?

My dire need to be respected and loved by my family seems like a hamster wheel of failure. I run, chase and grit my teeth to no avail. I fear the only ways of succeeding would leave me stifled and ripping my hair out day dreaming of so much more life to be lived. I'm more than a picture frame, I am the picture within the frame bursting to move and be free. I am the distant horizon in a visage so brilliant in colors you have to squint to witness it.

"Be the change you wish to see in this world." Yes. So true. Smile because you want others to smile... Take yourself on dates because you can never depend on another to do it for you... Because you shouldn't have to depend on another to make you smile. If there was anything I could ever teach someone else it's to love yourself first an treat yourself better than anyone else could treat you. You first, everyone else second. So when you do find love you know the standard they should keep: your own.

I'm just rambling.... Staring at an empty chair at a Starbucks in a tiny beach town in the middle of winter.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Its only the matter of waiting.

The wind whirls angrily around as if seeking revenge on the entire population in my small town. Right as the sun slinked it's way under the horizon the cloud bore bold warnings of a very angry Mother Nature. I hunched my shoulders trying to evade the coldness creeping into my soul.

Life has been bumpy but in the proper direction. I had sidetracked myself with busy-ness so's not to notice the eggshells I had been treading on, or the evasive action towards self preservation. I entertained myself with unjourneyed roads and journeyed them just to find another dead end.

How is it that when you are at a loss with what you want all the loose ends don't seem so pertinent? It's when clarity settles in when you realize the wreck of a life you have created for yourself.

What a disaster.

Still living at my sister's place on her couch. Since late November. It is now February and all I have to show for myself is new outfits and a crappy T-Mobile phone. I have enough money for food and gas now and even some bills if I'd actually go through the process of giving up the goods to corporate America. I also very often forget I have money in a bank account now. It's quite an adjustment.

I fell down the stairs today. I had been sleeping on the floor in an upstairs bedroom (that doesn't have a bed in it) at my sister's house. I had three songs on repeat that I changed every thirty or so minutes.

Slow Me Down - Emmy Rossum
When I Grow Up - Fever Ray
The Fox - Nikki and the Dove

Each song easily got thirty minutes each on repeat as I fought being alive. I didn't even bother changing out of my sandwich shop uniform. I just collapsed on the floor and used a pillow I had in that room. Gloom. Doom. Emo swoop sadness.

After some time I felt quite ridiculous and decided to get changed and get out of the house. I took my time and didn't dress to the 9s but I did put on my newly purchased clothes. I was making my way down the stairs when I slipped about 3/4ths of the way down. I felt the impact of the bottom step against my coccyx. Everything went white and I screamed loud enough I had to cough to get my voice back. I sobbed and looked down at my contorted legs and the tips of my fingers burned from trying to grab the rail to no avail. I looked out into the living room, it was empty. The TV was even off as if it could have given me some kind of condolence. I took a deep breath and wiggled my toes. I slowly got up and realized the pain in the middle of my back and my tailbone. I whimpered to myself and eased myself on the couch to continue my childish sobbing.

How dare my life put in a physical analogy of my silent suffering. Just as you get the strength to overcome there are always some stairs you will fall down first.

My thought at the bottom of the stairs was: "This isn't rock bottom, but it is quite literally the bottom of somewhere."

I sobbed for a few more moments and composed myself. Today is just a day and tomorrow will be another. Life can be at its worst and you can be at the bottom of the stairs all alone.... but at least I have my life.

This is just temporary. My situation is only a waiting room for what I have in store for myself. That is something I can't get lost in. It seems the last twenty-four years have been a Mouse Trap Game setting me up for my future. I anticipate the great change headed my way during the rebirth of nature.

It's only the matter of waiting.