Monday, April 30, 2012

So this is what being a house wife feels like?

I've been in Louisiana for about a week. I'm officially moved here and terrified of driving.

We arrived in Louisiana around 7am last Tuesday. Very tired and very glad to be out of my car. Wednesday we spent way more money than anticipated on things just meant to make the apartment functional.

We wake up every morning smiling at each other... talk just as much during the day and then cuddle up on the couch at night and watch tv until going to bed. I've never been so happy to be broke in my life. Okay, so "broke" is a loose term. We're Hubby broke, not MY kind of broke. (There is a couple hundred dollars difference in that perception of "broke")

I keep trying to remind myself, "Everything is great to start out with... it's bound to not be as awesome at some point..." but I really don't see that happening. We are very much like we use to be but quite happier and there is romantics involved. It's nice to not be awkward around each other. I'm noticing the real relaxed Hubby can be, not what I thought his relaxed was. We also seem to have a sixth sense about each other. It's awesome.

Last Thursday I came down with something and have been coughing my head off all weekend. I've felt the best since then today. I've mainly got the Apartment together. The living room is basically finished and we only need random things sporadically around the apt to complete each room.... which I assume we will complete each room just in time to move again.

Other than, "Life is fucking amazingly awesome right now but slightly boring during the day because I do nothing but drink, watch netflix and now play video games while waiting on Hubby to get home." I have nothing else to report... O, and that I am in love and this feels absolutely right.

Uhhh... yeah... that is all.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I want both.

Ten days. One Zero. Ten. Ten days and I get to wake up next to him, cuddle him during a thunderstorm and nag him when I'm feeling bitchy. Sigh I cannot wait! I can tell that he's excited too, since his smiles are bigger on Skype as of late.

"You're going to miss those babies!"
I keep hearing from... well... everyone. It's true too. The twins I babysit have quickly become my entire life. My reason to get up in the morning, my smile when I feel like crying as well as my hair-pulling, snotty nosed cry babies when I'm already at my wits end. They cry when I walk out of a room, they make me feel needed.... they snuggle me close when they're feeling bad. I'm going to miss those little bobble heads like no other. It's not just the twins though, I'm going to miss their older sister, their mom, their dad, their Mama C and PawPaw. All of them. This family has been with me through the thick and thin. They have given me a place to stay when no one else wanted me. This family has given me a job when I was scraping by at a sandwich shop. This family has done absolutely everything for me, without hesitation, without asking for anything in return. Leaving them breaks my heart. I can't help but cry at the idea of leaving them at all much-less in need. The boys are still too young for daycare and too expensive to have in daycare, anyway. The boys don't like strangers but they took to me the first time I met them. Their older sister asks if I'm out of the house for longer than twenty minutes. I feel more apart of this family than I have any family, ever. Yes, even my own. They accept me for who I am and always wish me the best. They have showed me unconditional love (Not required by blood relation) and now I have my chance at also creating a family of my own. It's the dilemma of a life time. I've tried not to think about it. BFF (The twin's mom) and I don't speak about it... It's the elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge. I worry about them thinking I'm abandoning them. Is it too selfish to leave now? But staying hurts too. I feel like I'm happy with a thorn in my side. It's like gnawing my arm off to live another day. I want both things equally. To stay and be apart of this family and to go and start my own with someone who I've always had a very strong emotional attachment to.

I want both.
I want both.
I want both.

I've been going through the motions since I got back from my short visit to Louisiana. Sometimes I'm in the moment [with normal every day routine] and I'd think, "I've got to remember this, take a picture, cherish it... I'm about to move" and it still wouldn't feel real. As I'm nearing the single digits on my countdown, the realization has settled heavy somewhere in my pelvic region. (You know, where IBS lives.) I feel like it's a backpack when I run, a fly in my ear as I play with the boys and a heavy beating drum when I'm hanging out chatting with BFF. I don't feel doubt in wanting to live and be with Hubby, I feel guilt for being happy. Does that make sense? How can I be happy about something that will be taking me away from this new family that has stood by me for so long? Guilt because I've lost friends along the way and it doesn't bother me. Guilt because I'm so happy and quite frankly, I'm not sure I care who I lose in the process. (Well, accept the twins and their family. Everyone else can go fuck themselves for all I care.) Hubby means that much to me.... I hear that's suppose to prove you do have real love. The fact that the ones that matter supports us the most seems to be the shining factor.

This isn't a thinking decision, this is a decided matter. It's finally sunk in. It's real. This isn't a fantasy anymore. This isn't a day dream on a hot summer day in Greensboro... or a last thought before drifting off to sleep in the middle of winter....

This is real.

Holy shit, is it real.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Why We are Eloping

For one, Hubby and I have known each other for quite some time. Most of our communication and hanging out was done without informing the masses. Our friendship for the most part was private. Not because we felt we had to be secret, but because we never felt a need to blab it around town. Our time together was always special and outside populace was never a concern. Our mutual friends reacted both shocked and not-so-shocked at us announcing the news. They were shocked because no one realized how close we were and not-so-shocked because they could totally see us together.

I know I love him. I know he loves me. That is not in question. To us, we don't need an audience to prove our vows valid. Not to mention the gawkers that would show or the abundance of drama that could ensue from our drunken friends speaking to our relatives. "Remember when..." stories would rosy our cheeks super quick-like.

So I guess in a way, we are saving face and giving everyone the middle finger too. Not so much in a "Screw you guys, we don't need you!" kind of way but in a, "You guys are awesome but we would rather be alone for this." kind of way. So maybe the middle finger is just to our exes and those that were trying to keep us apart although we were friends with each other and we refused to stop txting and calling each other.

Don't take it personally. My grandmother (whom could lay an egg with excitement that I'm marrying a man) isn't invited to see the exchange of vows and legal signing of documents. That is saying something. Also, our mothers had the same excitement and glee, "I'm just happy you two found each other and will be married!" At this point they just want me to squeeze out a kid or two and us live under the same roof-- I don't think they really care about the rest. (It's all just a technicality to get married, really.)

Basically-- Us getting married is just a socially enforced thing that also enables us to do all those fancy things you're trying to keep gay people from. We want those fancy state/federally acknowledged things. Plus, I think he really digs the idea of me sporting his last name. Nothing to do with religion or if I wore white or not.... or what soandso said to soandso... and "zOmg, can you believe her hair?" Yeah... none of that. At least not on our dime. You can do that all you want from afar on Facebook. (Which, duh, will happen)

In two weeks we move under one roof.

C a n n o t       w a i t!