Saturday, August 25, 2012

TMI City

I feel like crap. crap. crap.

[Pregnant Log: Unofficially 9wks] Haven't gone to the doctor yet.
[Mood Swings: Off the charts]
[Cravings: Peanut butter & milkshakes/ice cream] Both together are perfect!

My morning sickness could only be worse if it accompanied puking. My nausea is unbareable. These last couple days have been the worst. My balance is completely gone. My balance was already terrible. Hubby laughs at how pathetic I am when he wakes me from the couch to move to bed after a long day of work. I walk sideways for a few seconds before I get my barrens just long enough to ease myself into bed. Laying on my stomach for five minutes already makes me feel sick for a solid thirty minutes. I can't even sleep on my side kind of positioned towards my stomach, I have to lay on my side, positioned towards my back.

Sometimes when I wake up and just lay in bed, I won't feel sick at all. Sometimes I even get maybe thirty minutes of feeling completely fine, walking around and then I feel super sick and want to lay down for the rest of my life.

Laying down is so heavenly. I never liked lounging around as much as I do now. Once my eyes open in the morning I like to be up and about and doing anything. Now, my eyes open and I try to lay in bed as long as possible before getting up. Today, I laid in bed for a solid hour and a half after waking up. I got up to use the bathroom and then laid back down. Laying down felt like a cool shower after being at the beach all day. Pure relief. For the most part, all I think about all day long is being back in my bed. Or snuggling up on the couch and having Hubby rub my back. Instant happiness.

Working isn't as much of a chore I make it out to be. When I'm at home getting ready for work I'm on the edge of tears not wanting to go in. Once I get to work I'm not so bad, work isn't so bad, the customers aren't all bad. Doing inventory is already posing some problems. Bending over makes me queasy, standing up from a squatted position makes me queasy and also, moving too quickly or a whole lot at once makes me dizzy and queasy. Why is it that no one mentioned to me how crappy this first trimester is? Last girl I was around during her first trimester she was puke-city but no real nausea. "I just get really hot and know I need to run to a bathroom." I remember her saying... I just feel really hot and queasy and nothing happens. I just sit there feeling like shit hoping it'd blow over shortly. The cramps. No one mentioned to me about the cramps. The cramps aren't unbareable like the nausea is but the cramps are sometimes very painful and take my breath away.

Everyone I know that has ever had a kid leaves out the poop issues. Well, I remember my sister expressing her anguish with her poops. I guess as an American it's also pretty taboo to openly discuss your bowel movements to Joan-Schmoe and Jane-Schmoe on the street. But honestly, ladies, if you ever get knocked up... your perfect bowel movements will be no more. I can't wait to get my normal poops back. I have never before been constipated or any variation of such. It's a whole new poop world for me now. From what I read "they" were not kidding about getting as much fiber as possible. Between my Pregnancy book, my Pregnancy App and my Hubby's sister I feel very educated on something I feel completely ignorant about. Most of the ladies I come across through work or otherwise have said, "Once I got the baby home I was lost, I had no idea what to do." Which is amazing for me because I feel 110% confidence about bringing an itty bitty baby home and even teaching Hubby some things about babies which I feel he is fully capable. We've even discussed that he will handle poopie diapers just like I will. I made it very clear that this parenting thing will be as close to the same amount as possible for as long as we're alive. I'm just at a loss about what to do while the baby is developing inside. I feel helpless and completely responsible all at the same time.

My boobs are getting bigger and my stomach definitly seems to be plumping up. I feel like I'm too big to be nine weeks though. Hubby and I both don't have any twins in our families. Not enough twins to take note of, anyway. He says his "super sperm" are more than capable but it's all up to the doctor visits to clear that up, I suppose.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Green Around the Gills

I am very early on in this pregnancy. I haven't gone to a doctor yet. I'm at week 7.

My morning sickness is getting physical. Not only do I feel nauseous I have actually puked. So it was only once but it was carrot juice, okay? Carrot juice coming up is not so much fun. The smell is horrible and warm carrot juice is not a tasty treat. I can't bring myself to drink any today and this morning I was so sick feeling I even forgot to take my prenatal vitamin because the thought of eating anything made me queasy.

 I bought a book yesterday. The more I read the more it freaks me out. Some of the information I've gathered as brought me some comfort but for the most part it even made me nervous about drinking water from any faucet because it might have touched a lead pipe and therefore will make me hemorrhage and die. It instructs those with animals with a flea collar to not touch the flea collar. Could you imagine the panic of petting your doggie or kitty and then all of a sudden, "OMG, I TOUCHED THE COLLAR, IKILLEDMYBABY, ZOMG, FREAKOUTFREAKOUTFREAKOUT"

Yeah, that would be me. Luckily we don't have an animal but there are so many fears associated with being a pregnant woman. "I'm going to have to get you a tazer gun" says Hubby, "Pregnant women are more prone to attacks." O great, lets just add that to my fear of anything I eat, the air I breath and accidently touching a flea collar. That makes me feel peachy. "You need to start driving my tuck," He has said to me before, "Your car isn't that safe. I don't trust it if you get into a car wreck." He says. My tiny little eco-car really isn't built for protection... got ya... but what was I before I got infected with his DNA? Chopped liver? C'mon, man... why am I so fragile now?

I'm prone to being paranoid. Yes, let's start with that insight. I have a grand fear of being arrested for something that I didn't do, zombies, spiders, dust, and closed in dark places. As you can see, I carry very irrational fears around in my pocket every day. Spiders? I know some of you guys share this fear but how many of you have been BITTEN by a spider?! I have! I slept through it, even! I had a weird bruise/swollen area on my collarbone for WEEKS! I could've died and slept through my demise! No fighting chance at all! The cop thing... well, I blame that on my parents. "Buckle your seatbelt or that nice police man will carry you off and then you'll never see mommy again!" Yay for fear mongering your kids until it developes a real fear!

So, now that you know my top five fears I can now add to my paranoia because I'm carrying a living thing inside of me. I always viewed pregnancy as a scene from Alien vs Predator when the baby alien bursts through the chest of unsuspecting people. Fear, anger... no matter how dead those people always looked they seemed to scream and scream and scream while the alien life form crawled out of their ribcage. All of my closest friends either was pregnant, had small children or became pregnant while I was friends with them. I got to experience their pregnancies by proxy. Since I was their close friend they didn't sugar coat anything with me, "I puked for two hours straight yesterday." and "I feel like they're in there boxing my lungs and using my ribs as a xylophone!" Fear. Fear, I have. I'm just beginning! This is the beginning of a very long year. Luckily it's going to be during the winter but winter has always made me uncomfortable to begin with... and now I get to wear tons of clothes over my huge body and overheat and feel fat and bloated. I could complain for days. I'm glad it's not during the summer though because Louisiana heat isn't a joke! The air is so thick outside it's hard to be out there for long. Part of me thinks that if I consentrate on all the negative things then if it goes much smoother and not so bad then I can truly appreciate it. I keep mentally preparing myself for anything horribly wrong that could happen. That way, I'm not dumbstruck or think, "This could never happen to me and the baby" because in my head it already has.... seven times. I'm not stressing myself out too much though, just staying realistic about the entire thing. Shit happens, ya know?

I also have lost all desire for work. I just want to be home, curled up in a ball, sleeping the day away. Laying down makes me less sickly feeling. I'm exhausted. I wake up sometimes and get a good thirty minutes of feeling completely normal, completely rested and ready to take on my day. That feeling is usually quickly taken away from me the first time I bend over to reach for something or think about food. I feel terrible. Work being so slow also doesn't help. I don't want to just hold down a chair, I want to work when I'm at work. It also doesn't help that work hasn't been so awesome lately too... soooo much drama and adults acting like children. It seems like ever since I realized I was pregnant this job lost all importance to me. I don't have the drive I had before. I think I'm too sidetracked with my own drama in my head to focus. I know that it's horrible to say, I just got this job... but at what cost? My body is making it difficult enough for me to function,

I just don't have the energy to worry about childish bullshit at work too.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Slime Ball

I'm pregnant.
With child.
A walking incubator.
I'm having a baby.

Terrified. Yeah, that's a good word to describe how I feel. I'm scared I'm going to hurt it. I really hate calling my fetus an it, too. Especially since we've already decided on a girl name. Buuut, if my fetus is a boy I don't want to call him a girl name.

Auuugh. I'm also trying to not stress.

Hubby is elated. He's taking the news and future responsibilities with full stride. I'm in the fetal position crying my eyes out. (Mentally) While he is plotting baby seats and threatening future boyfriends the child might have. He also doesn't have to worry about nurturing a growing being inside him.

We have used an online calculator to make a guess of how far along I am. Six weeks. I'm very early in and apparently this is when things could go wrong. I had convinced myself my body wasn't healthy enough to bare the burden of a child. Since I had sold that theory on myself I'm now freaking out trying to make everything okay for the baby. The baby doesn't even have eyes or fingers and I already feel very pregnant and would feel devastated if anything went wrong. I keep reading various ways that the baby would stop development. "It's a decision your body makes" and "Don't blame yourself" is always attached to the medical jargon on the articles I read.

I feel very pregnant.
My nausea is ridiculous. I already can't sleep on my side and the cramps are never-ending. I don't look pregnant. I do feel bloated, gassy and seriously green around the gills..  but it's far too early to have a bump. I feel a bit guilty. I'm speaking too soon. There is still so much that could go wrong throughout the entire process. Everyone is so happy for us. I feel so much pressure to do this right. This is something I can't (won't) quit on. I'm taking my prenatal vitamins and eating much cleaner. My mind is so jumbled.
I just want this to all go swimmingly and have a very healthy baby....

And not gain 100lbs.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Things I learned Today

I did something bad.
Yes, I admit it.
What I did was uncalled for and I brought it upon myself, yes I did. [I admit it.]
I also want to point out that I am not very religious. Very far from religious, actually. My main interaction with super religious people for the most part has been represented to me as intolerance in the name of the man in the clouds. [Just to get that out of the way]

I trolled some of my friend's pages that were advocating Chick-Fil-A on Facebook. Well, not really troll... because trolling consists of saying things you may not neccessarily belive in, but said to get a rise out of those who read it. Everything I stated was of my own opinion, unfabricated. I just posed a simple question: "Why do you support hate speech?"

Taking a stand against CFA is taking a stand against bullies, bigots and by proxy: ultra-religious Republicans. (Okay, that's assuming that all Republicans are also ultra-religious... which I will keep that assumption until I come across a non-religious Republican.) Okay, well... anyway. I posed that question and was quickly beraded with various notations of myself and people in general.

Top 10 Things I Learned Today:
1. Satan is my best friend.

2. By supporting CFA you are supporting free speech, nothing else. (And don't you dare speak out against what he said, because that is just NOT correct, you horrible American you.)

3. Only TRUE Americans are Christian.

4. The people in the military are fighting ONLY for the right of freedom of opinion and speech.

5. By disagreeing and openly being offended by Dan Cathy, I am not for freedom of speech and my opinion does not matter. [Enter random bible verse]

5. I am hugely disrespectful by saying that it takes a less quality of a person to agree with Dan Cathy. (Ex: I think all people should be allowed happiness and be married in the eyes of the law, regardless of anyone's religious definition of marriage, anyone that thinks otherwise is by my definitions: a less quality of a person.)

6.  I'm going to hell. (Refer back to #1)

7. I am a horrible person.

8. They aren't spreading hate speech, they just hate people that have opinions like I do.

9. [Enter random bible verse]

10. The bible says so.

Now, I understand what a TRUE Christian is like. Well, an average one anyway. A couple days ago I had a sweet older lady come in and I sold her and her husband some phones. Her husband has been working long days so this lady was very interested in getting to know me and Hubby (we were working together that day) and also dabbled in some of our opinions on some things. We got into talking about rights and gay rights. I have no idea how the subject even came to pass, but it did. I mentally cringed when I heard Hubby metaphorically poke at her with a certain opinion. The lady let off a big laugh and said, "Anyone who says their a Chrisitan and tries to take someone else's rights away or say lies about something they don't know about aren't reading their bible. Their god is not my God. I don't know who they're referring to." She then sited some scripture about Jesus being with the lowly and dirty and another verse about how God tells everyone to love openly and freely. She also sited a few verses and one of the deciples visiting a town that the men and women have left their husbands and wives to be with those of the same sex and God said, "These are people too, so therefore we will love them just the same." (Or something close to that, I kinda suck a remembering anything bible related) The lady then continue boasting about her children who have friends of all colors and all backgrounds, "Gays, shades of brown and black, even a couple people who have had some tough times in their lives and went to prison. My church welcomes everyone and I made sure to tell my kids to never talk ugly about anyone else or make anyone else feel less human. God is love and we love God. I have no idea the god those other people are talking about in the news. God says no such thing. They should have more love in their hearts."

This kind soul really gave me points in humanity again. I gotta tell you... working with the public has really made my score for humanity plummet. Let's say the base score is 100. Within weeks of working with the public again that score easily slipped to 50, giving people leeway for just an off day or having a shitty day in general. This Lady brought it right back up to 80. It also helped that she named her miniture poodle after Dave Chapelle.

Then today happened. I guess I wanted to test the theories that nice lady brought to me in the store that day. She truly is an awesome lady. I wished she was my grandma (Even though to look at her you wouldn't thinks he was old enough to be my grandma). I wanted to hang out with her and bake with her. I wanted to help her walk her dogs and meet her family. She is who I like to think I will be as I get older and the type of parent I want to be while imposing my ideals on my children. I quite idolize her opinions on things. Even though I am not religious does not mean I'm a bad person. In the words of my brilliant, beautiful, sweet lady customer,
"Believe what you want to believe but it's up to God if you want salvation. If you don't want salvation it's not my choice, it's not the people's choice to tell you if you're going to hell or not. I'm not in your heart, I don't know how you truly are deep down inside. He does, and it's His choice. Not mine, not anybodies. Let the judging be His. If anyone tells you any different, they aren't following MY God's beliefs, they're following mans rule and mans idea of how to run things. Don't be fooled by man."