Thursday, December 27, 2012

Dear Baby,

You are loved. First and foremost, love is what your father and I have for you. He loves you more than me, I'm pretty sure of it. I'm okay with it as long as you both don't gang up on me and call me names. But anyway, we love you. I want so many things for you. I want to protect you from all the hate in the world. I want you to dye your hair green and openly take your girlfriend to prom. (If you have girlfriends) I want you to stand up for the weak hearted and stand tall to the weak minded.

You are the next generation. You will be the captain of your own ship. I won't know your every emotion unless you express them to me. Please, express your emotions. I hope you learn to accept others even if they don't accept you. I want you to climb mountains and dive into the deepest seas. I want you to be better than I ever was. I look forward to holding you as you sleep and then chasing you down once you learn how to use your feet.

No matter how far you travel in this world I want you to know that you can always call Mom and Dad to pick you up. If you are anything like we were during our teen years a 3am phone call asking us to pick your drunk ass up won't be too far fetched. Lying will get you into the most trouble, truth will allow for less consequences (If any) to come your way.

Now, I must tell you about the world you're about to enter. The world is an ugly, fantastic place... Filled with demons and hidden unicorns. Hopefully you will also befriend a Queen or two. (They are fabulous friends indeed) The food is everlasting and always go for the local eateries over the chain restaurants. There is war, there will always be war. There is famine and starving children, there is sadness and suicide. Death is always closer than you imagine. Gravity is a science I hope you learn to appreciate, along with all the amazing science you I hope you want to prove (or disprove).

Even with all the nastiness in the world, I hope you will see the beauty around you. I hope to teach you the beauty of the world amongst all the sadness. I hope your new eyes see the world as a challenge rather than a burden. As you wiggle around in my belly I hope you someday appreciate the life that has been given to you. You have a couple more months to kick box in my belly and I hope you are able to be strong and take that first breath that leads into many million more. If you are able to join us out here, I'd really love to meet you and get to know you.

Love and kisses,
Your Mommy <3 p="p">

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Merry STFU

Pregnant Log
Pregnant: 26wks]
Mood Swings: bitchbitchbitch.]
[Cravings: Sweets, cereal, and chicken!]

Friday is Christmas day!!! What? Didn't you know that??

Okay, so maybe it's only Christmas Day for my new little family. I decided that since we're doing christmas in FL with Hubby's grandparents then we should do one just us before we go and within our schedule. Nothing too fussy, just exchanging of gifts and he gets to use his new fryer he bought for thanksgiving. We're just doing a chicken instead of a turkey and invited some people over to partake in said food and someone that Hubby can drink with since I cannot. (Very sad face, I can't wait to not be preggosauras.)

My mom gave us a tree complete with decorations. I've bought all that I'm going to for Hubby... he's difficult to shop for and it's hard enough for me to contain myself and not make him open everything up already. (Last night I forced him into opening one of this gifts... it was cologne. Every morning he'd huff and puff and take forever deciding what to do because he's low on the ones he has.) Today he got to put on his new bottle of Mont Blanc Legend. I even checked up on him today and he was wearing it and still liked it! Score! Now for him to open the rest of his presents and hopefully have the same outcome...

I haven't bought gifts of anyone else. Nope... no one. Luckily, I'm not seeing my family until Feb and we aren't seeing his until Jan. We have a couple extra weeks... but I'm just taking it as it goes. I'm trying to focus on my stresses. Currently, swapping hospitals is my top priority. I'm not feeling so keen on my current one and today a customer came in raving about a hospital Hubby has been rooting for.... so I took that as a final sign. I'm going for a tour tomorrow and will give an official word by the end of the day tomorrow! Hopefully it will be a clean switch. I may get my tub birth after all.

BabyG is moving a lot lately. It's surfacing in my dreamstate. Last night I had this horrible dream about being possessed by a demon and I murdered a couple people by slicing their heads off with these knew knives my MIL sent us as a wedding gift. Well, the people I murdered in my dream were also possessed by demons and somehow by my slaying them I was freed of the demon that was possessing me... It was a weird, stressful dream that left me exhausted all day long. I woke up a couple times just to make sure I was in fact in bed and reality was in deed better than my horrific nightmare. She's a night baby. I was worried because she hasn't been moving around that much the last few days but it dawned on me that she's doing all of her moving while I'm snoozing. Unless I stay up 24/7 it will be hard to be 100% sure. She also likes to nap while I'm moving, the more motionless I am the more movement she pumps out so I think my movement puts her to sleep during the day.

Also, I hate christmas music. "Frosty the Snowman" and "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause" makes me want to punch kittens. Poor, adorable, defenseless, kittens. Two of our stores are stuck on christmas music. Just christmas music. I've heard the top seven christmas songs over twenty dozen times. Yes, twenty dozen... a baker's dozen, even.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Being Heard

Pregnant Log
Pregnant: 24wks]
Mood Swings: I cry, I cry, I cry again.]
[Cravings: CheddarBo Biscuits from BoJangles!!!!!] That I can't have because there aren't any Boj's in Louisana!! *extreme grump*

There isn't anything distinctly that prompted me to write this blog, other than I have been writing a blog in my head almost every day for two weeks now. It's way past due. 

I've been thinking a lot about how far along I am and that BabyG can hear everything around me now. Mainly, me, I know. That's a lot of pressure. I'm scared she's going to come out cussing and spitting out cellphone information. I've started listening to more music as well as specific types more than others. I told myself for years if I was pregnant I would listen to nothing but beautiful classical pieces with an abundance of stringed instruments and I would birth a Mozart.... Realistically it's just been a bunch of indie and non-english speaking music. This baby will be cultured, dammit! I know she can feel the pulses more than the actual music so I've also listened to a share of dubstep. I can tell she can hear Dubstep the most because she moves around the most when I'm listening to it. Mommy's little raver. Hopefully she will be like mommy and be able to celebrate beats and bright lights without partaking of an abundance of drugs. Oxygen and positive energy in a room has always been good enough for me. Get enough happy, dancing people in a room and I will be in the middle of the crowd handing out glow sticks like Mardi Gras beads. 


"We are so domestic." Hubby said to me the other day. 
"And?" I quickly asked back.
"I mean, we're super domestic. Like, stay at home and watch TV in between daily chores kind of domestic." He insisted.
"Is that bad?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
"I didn't even notice when it happened but I'm completely okay with it." He mused.
"Well, I sure as hell hope you are, because we're about to get even more domestic." I say, motioning to my swollen belly. 


 I am going to start with the being aware of how risky it is to talk about marital problems at all, much less on the internet. So I am attempting this subject with caution and extreme neutrality... for the sake of telling all of my internet blog stalkers. 

Communication is key. It is the proverbial glue that holds a relationship together. People start with trust, lust and various other things, but for me... it's communication. Obviously. Words play a major part of my life. I want to be able to communicate with the person I'm with and have them communicate right back. Word exchange to me is very much like playing a game of War. You have to artfully use each card and hopefully you end up with the most cards, or no cards... depending on how you deemed the winner. 

So, basically, Hubby and I have a communication hurtle. I like to talk a lot about my issues, and he would rather us not. Any time I express a passionate idea to him I can see the distress in his face and can almost hear the loud rattle in his head as he tries to figure out a decent approach without making me more angry/upset. It's so loud in his head and his lips remain motionless. Somewhere between his brain and his lips the English words get lost and he simply just looks at me, dumbfounded and a bit uncomfortable. Sometimes I back him up into a man corner with my woman issues. I say it like that simply because no matter how equal I want our sexes to be, our brains work in very different ways. For many years I spoke of my manly mind with much pride, being pregnant has slaughtered any amount of manliness I thought I ever had. The simplicity is gone, the cocky self-assurance has taken a long vacation... and most of all, sadly... that little guy that would say, "Whoa, whoa! That's some girly whiny shit right there. Don't you say a word!" has fled the scene.

It's not just one specific thing we struggle to communicate with either, it's various things that I clump together at once and it's hard for him to follow which thing I'm really concerned about at that particular moment. We aren't at a stand still with this either, I can tell we are both figuring out how to approach this hurtle. It's the square peg we are trying to fit in the circle hole. Slowly, we are sanding off the edges to make it fit. It's just frustrating. I can only speak for me, though. I'm blaming it on being pregnant, but I think this is an ex history thing. [I think] he feels like I am attacking him when I am expressing something that is bothering me when actually I'm just trying to let him know. I want him to say, "Now that's just crazy." Or "Shut up, you're beautiful." or even, "I'm sorry." (Even if he needs to apologize or not. Sometimes it's just nice to be apologized to... even if it's misplaced guilt.) Mainly, how we've been dealing with this is I am sobbing while he holds me and I can feel him holding his breath, trying to decide which direction to head. Neutrality is safe, so he stays motionless. I feel unheard and brushed off, or even like he doesn't care at all. 

"I'm not like them. I actually care about you and do love you. I don't like being blamed for your exes." He's said more than once. For the most part he follows it too, we've celebrated the freedoms we allow each other that our previous exes had not allowed us. Being pregnant has stirred up all of my past bullshit and mistakes and faces I'd rather not see again. My dreams run rampant with him leaving me, me reliving not so glorious moments with previous relationships and many mornings I wake up regaining my barrens again and realizing it was only a dream. All day I have those bad dreams playing in the back of my head tugging at my emotions and convincing me things that aren't in reality. I know he loves me, I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. The way he reaches for me when we're sitting on the couch. He loves me in every action he does. I know this. I can feel it. Our problems aren't big, we don't fight. No matter how many times I tell myself this I find myself sobbing at the thought of him leaving. He hasn't given me any reason to be suspicious of his actions or even question how he feels about me. 


Now that I've aired some dirty laundry, I guess I can peace out. All of my qualms are textbook pregnancy paranoias. I've read about them all over the babybump forums and in my pregnancy app... and in my pregnancy book.

So why???