Is this where the real me hides? In the dusk before dawn and the silence before the birds awake?
BabyG woke up around four o'clock this A-M. I decided to bite the bullet and just go into the living room with her. She was wide awake. I spoke to her and laughed at her confused expressions on her new born face. She had no idea what I was talking about.. or she did and I sound absurd to her.
I've had a lot of time to myself these last couple days. My distractions have been minimal since I'm trying to gear myself more towards music again and less towards television. BabyG needs to be exposed more to tunes than reality TV. Just sayin'
Well, in this reflection I've been trying to convince myself that this isn't the life that I want because it's what I've always done. I had long decided that I would be single, child-free and always broke as a joke. Now, I have someone that cares for me, takes care of me and helped me produce the cutest little baby, ever. (Everyone says that about their own children, so suck it.) I couldn't be happier. I mean-- seriously. Three years ago I would've called you nutso if you told me I'd have a kid... muchless who WITH.
I mean, really? Hubby? Pssh.
He hates me and stuff and gay things about me.
Yeah... fo'realz, yo.
Now I spend every night with him and I helped produce a beautiful daughter for him. We have an awesome apartment and we not only have food to readily eat, we also have a budget to go somewhere to get food if we want. There is gas in my car and I'm by no means suffering. I don't have this strained artist thing about me anymore. I'm... gasp... a housewife. While I'm not working that is what I am. My main thing is to keep the kid alive and clean the house. Augh, that feels nasty thinking about. I never thought I'd be pegged the home goddess. I always aspired for more. I don't plan on settling in this new job description but I can easily see how people can get swept up in it. Hubby and I have been having long conversations about our five year plan. Having a kid grounds you. By the time she's in school we want to be out of Louisiana and I in a job I enjoy and he in a job that makes him the amount of money he desires.
I can't help but think about my parents at this stage in their marriage. Was my father always the asshat he is now or did he start out better? Did he coo over me as a new born as Hubby does over BabyG? Did my father stress about giving me everything I wanted as a teenager before I could even form my first word? Did my parents have long discussions about life?
I keep thinking about BFF and the first time I met her. Her first child was still breastfeeding and was right before the scooting stage. I remember how detached she was; a little bitter about life but hardly negative. She was a housewife for quite a few months. It wasn't ever her plan either. Now, twins later, she isn't a housewife anymore and she has a degree she is using at her current job. I keep telling myself I should allow myself months instead of days to get things done. BabyG is a few days over two weeks old. Life is just starting for us. Just like them. To be honest, BFF has been my role model in all of this. To me, she's the perfect balance of mother, wife and employee. (She is probably laughing at the idea of being perfect at anything-- but that's why I love her. So modest.) Did I mention she's skinny and runs ten miles like you would tie your shoes?! I want to be like her. Well, I still want to be me but I want to be able to handle life the way she does. I want to meet my goals head on and I want Hubby to be proud of me and everyone else be jealous of us. I want people to say, "No way, you look so good!" when I tell them I have kids and I want to be proud of the paycheck I bring in. I keep reminding myself of the BFF I met that first night though, because that's where I'm at now.