More Music

There is something about being awake when the sky lightens up into a new day that brings me back to all of my past misgivings and lonely nights previous.

Is this where the real me hides? In the dusk before dawn and the silence before the birds awake?

BabyG woke up around four o'clock this A-M. I decided to bite the bullet and just go into the living room with her. She was wide awake. I spoke to her and laughed at her confused expressions on her new born face. She had no idea what I was talking about.. or she did and I sound absurd to her.

I've had a lot of time to myself these last couple days. My distractions have been minimal since I'm trying to gear myself more towards music again and less towards television. BabyG needs to be exposed more to tunes than reality TV. Just sayin'

Well, in this reflection I've been trying to convince myself that this isn't the life that I want because it's what I've always done. I had long decided that I would be single, child-free and always broke as a joke. Now, I have someone that cares for me, takes care of me and helped me produce the cutest little baby, ever. (Everyone says that about their own children, so suck it.) I couldn't be happier. I mean-- seriously. Three years ago I would've called you nutso if you told me I'd have a kid... muchless who WITH.

I mean, really? Hubby? Pssh.

He hates me and stuff and gay things about me.

Yeah... fo'realz, yo.

Now I spend every night with him and I helped produce a beautiful daughter for him. We have an awesome apartment and we not only have food to readily eat, we also have a budget to go somewhere to get food if we want. There is gas in my car and I'm by no means suffering. I don't have this strained artist thing about me anymore. I'm... gasp... a housewife. While I'm not working that is what I am. My main thing is to keep the kid alive and clean the house. Augh, that feels nasty thinking about. I never thought I'd be pegged the home goddess. I always aspired for more. I don't plan on settling in this new job description but I can easily see how people can get swept up in it. Hubby and I have been having long conversations about our five year plan. Having a kid grounds you. By the time she's in school we want to be out of Louisiana and I in a job I enjoy and he in a job that makes him the amount of money he desires.

I can't help but think about my parents at this stage in their marriage. Was my father always the asshat he is now or did he start out better? Did he coo over me as a new born as Hubby does over BabyG? Did my father stress about giving me everything I wanted as a teenager before I could even form my first word? Did my parents have long discussions about life?

I keep thinking about BFF and the first time I met her. Her first child was still breastfeeding and was right before the scooting stage. I remember how detached she was; a little bitter about life but hardly negative. She was a housewife for quite a few months. It wasn't ever her plan either. Now, twins later, she isn't a housewife anymore and she has a degree she is using at her current job. I keep telling myself I should allow myself months instead of days to get things done. BabyG is a few days over two weeks old. Life is just starting for us. Just like them. To be honest, BFF has been my role model in all of this. To me, she's the perfect balance of mother, wife and employee. (She is probably laughing at the idea of being perfect at anything-- but that's why I love her. So modest.) Did I mention she's skinny and runs ten miles like you would tie your shoes?! I want to be like her. Well, I still want to be me but I want to be able to handle life the way she does. I want to meet my goals head on and I want Hubby to be proud of me and everyone else be jealous of us. I want people to say, "No way, you look so good!" when I tell them I have kids and I want to be proud of the paycheck I bring in. I keep reminding myself of the BFF I met that first night though, because that's where I'm at now.

Home Stretch!

Pregnant Log
[ Pregnant: 29 Weeks ]
[ Mood Swings: Insecure. Weepy. Mess. ]
[ Cravings: Peanut butter, Waffles, Ice cream, Ice cream. ]

Holy Guacamole!

I have 11 weeks left!

Just eleven weeks!

That's insane!

Look, another exclamation mark!

Okay, I'm done freaking out now... kind of. We still have nothing for the baby. I say nothing but we have a bassinet but no sheets... one skirt and a few stuffed animals. O, and a Bumbo that she can't use until she's a couple months old. I've been hyperventilating about it and Hubby reassures me that it will all fall into place and I shouldn't stress so much. I wish I had his level of confidence.

I have also long acknowledged that I could very well make it two weeks past my due date before they start breathing down my neck about chemically inducing and that nasty C-section thing. I really hope I don't have to have a C-section. That surgery sounds so invasive and scary. My BFF had one but she had TWINS! I just have one. With her first she did it with no chemicals and it was vaginal. I want to be able to do the same with my baby.

This morning I woke up to very distinct karate kicks to my belly button. I propped myself up and just watched my belly jerk and twitch as BabyG wiggled around. I tried to get Hubby to see but she got bashful, I guess. All day today she has made some very prominent kicks in utero. She feels strong and cramped. I guess she's running out of room. Last doctor's visit Doc said, "Ooo, your uterus is swelling nicely." So I guess I'm right on target but cheese and crackers the kicks to my ribs were killer last night!

I watched the Hobbit with some friends and Hubby lastnight. The movie is UH-MAY-ZING by the way. It's a MUST see and we watched it in 3D. Worth it!  I MADE IT THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE WITHOUT HAVING TO GO PEE! Yes, it was that important it needed caps. I was so impressed with myself but BabyG wasn't having it the last 30mins of the film. She was kicking me in what felt like my spine... well, the very back of my rib cage. I stuck it through though! We were all proud of ourselves for not going to the bathroom during the movie. ha. They all had a couple alcoholic beverages before the movie. I have been drinking a couple gallons of water a day. I'm just so thirsty. I've also gained more weight than I anticipated but I'm still within "normal" range but I'm starting to get nervous about losing it once I have the baby.

It's making me very insecure.

I've had this sinking feeling that Hubby is bored with me. (He assures me he is very much in love with me and that I'm a beautiful, sexy, preggosauras.) I can't help it. I just feel like we're drifting apart.... but I can't tell if I'm over-analyzing the situation. (Probably) I keep thinking he is going to leave me. I guess I shouldn't have watched Maury today.... or Teen Mom 2. Those people aren't us. Those situations aren't my situations. We are different. I keep trying to remind myself of these things but pregnancy has really morphed my perception of me to be skewed. I guess because I never really wanted kids to begin with. I remember telling Hubby ages ago, "I don't want kids. I don't want to plan for kids, anyway. If I ever plan for a kid, I will plan to not have a kid." I'm pretty selfish. Well, was selfish. I wanted to be able to drink and go out and party and do whatever, where ever, when ever. I didn't have a crazy teenage phase, I waited until I was well into 21 before I even went to bars and then did all my insane stuff between 22-24 years old. I don't feel like I'm done having a good time either. I want to still have people over and have a good time but be responsible with my kid too. I want to show my kid that having a child isn't the end of my personal life. I will be the example for her. Hubby and I will be her prime example for what love is. My lifestyle choices will give her examples of what is acceptable in a public sector.

Augh, I'm just rambling now. Anyway-- BabyG has some mega ninja kicks and I'm sure in a few weeks I will be able to see her roll over and my whole stomach get all weird shaped and I will probably be a bit grossed out.

Rinse, Wash, Repeat.

Pregnant Log
[ Pregnant: 28 Weeks ]
[ Mood Swings: Emotional ]
[ Cravings: Cereal, pepperoni, chocolate, ice cream ]

The turkey leftovers have long been eaten (or tossed out), Santa is gone, and the big mighty ball has dropped. Now is the time for the whirlwind party that is the end of December to give birth to new life, a new year, and a big ole middle finger to the Mayans. We made it! It's 2013, I'm still pregnant and Hubby is still overworked. What's so different this year?

When the snow melts in places that have snow, and the flowers start to bloom in places that have flowers-- I hopefully will be screaming like a banshee trying to squeeze my little bundle of joy out into the oxygen breathing world. It only seems fitting that I would be giving birth during the time of year that brings new life into the environment around us.

Besides me having a baby, each new year brings back my same new years resolution I have promised myself since becoming an adult. My resolution is less a goal and more a mantra.

"This year will be better than last year. I will smile more, love more and laugh more. Out with the negative, in with the positive."

This year may be the year that I do just that. I felt like the ball got rolling last new years when I decided to break all my comfort zones and "Go hard or go home." Well... I ended up in a completely different state, married to a man and pregnant. Ha, comfort zones demolished! Well, that's not to say I'm uncomfortable but I sure as hell jumped through some firey hoops to get here.

All through 2012 I was reflecting to the previous year and where I was and who I was with during that time of the year. Every time I did those flashbacks I knew I was in a much better place surrounded by much better people. My main sadness of 2012 was moving away from my BFF and her family. If I could do anything different in 2012, it would be to be able to see her more. Maybe 2013 will prove to be fruitful in that area.

It's so nice to be drama free and for the most part stress free too. I see great things in my future for 2013.

Appreciation Day

Let's face it, the original Thanksgiving was new Americans celebrating the fact that they were stronger than the Indians. Poor Indians. I won't go too far into the actual history of this holiday but I feel it is a disgrace to simply overlook such details.

Anyway, everyone is posting statuses on fb about things they are thankful for, or appreciate about their lives. I felt a status would be far too short for my now very full life. All day I was thinking about last thanksgiving. I was newly homeless and living out of my car. My hours had just been dramatically cut at work and my romantic life was pretty much in the shitter. My sister had agreed to let me crash on her couch and half my stuff was in my hometown while the other half was being held hostage by gas prices three hours away. I didn't have a cellphone, was down to my last $20. My life had hit the ultimate rock bottom.
Funny how holidays really make you reflect on your existence like that. I had to be around my entire family and tell them I had failed at life. I had truly given up on life. I picked up an old job at a sandwich shop and started casually dating out of desperation.

I had cashed out on life. 

This thanksgiving I have an apartment, a cellphone, an amazing husband and a daughter on the way. We always seem to have food, gas and enough money for fun stuff too. Even as I sat in the bathroom this morning sobbing because I couldn't be with my extended family today it was hard to ignore the family I have created here. Hubby is everything I have ever wanted but never thought that I deserved. He supported me mentally before he ever needed to financially (even though he offered quite a bit).

Without Hubby and BFF I wouldn't have survived this long. They showed me what love is and what true family means. They have gotten me out of more situations than I'd care to admit. If there were subjects in which to give most thanks for it would be those two. (BFFs hubby by extention, they are both very wonderful people) They are the family I chose and that welcomed me when I felt the entire world had turned their backs to me. No matter how self wallowing and sob story I ever was to them they unfailingly were there for me. 
 

For that, I will forever be in debt to them and will always put then at the top of my "most thankful for" list.

I love you guys.

<3 br="">

Stop it, Pregnant Brain! You're emabarrassing me.

Pregnant Log
[ Pregnant: 20wks] Tomorrow hits 20wks
[ Mood Swings: Tears not anger]
[Cravings: BBQ sauce, salad & greens in general]

I have so much to write about that I've talked myself out of writing every time I get a chance.

We have cable now.
We got married.
I can feel the baby move.

>>>Politics.

I went almost a whole week without showering. (By accident)
I miss my BFF.
I've decided I suck at my job.
We haven't bought ONE THING for the baby.
I cry about everything... especially things that "don't matter". (TV commercials especially.)
My dreams are not pleasant.
[[ I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving not surrounded by family. ]]


Just to list a few. My heartburn is out of control. October flew by... I mean... I blinked and the entire month was gone. Just gone. Poof. Vamu. I've played a lot of video games and we've watched A LOT of TV. I blame that. For as much time that I spend with Hubby I feel like we never see each other. It's not like we have friends we hang out without each other either. I keep waiting for that moment of reflection and the, "Omgwtfwheredidmylifego?!" but I have yet to have that settle in. I'm not sure if it ever will. I have had that pang of, "Without Hubby I would probably still be mooching off of my BFF and her family while trying to maintain the idea of martial bliss just isn't in the cards for me." as I go to bed wondering what Hubby is up to and scolding exes in my head for all the scandalous things I let them get away with.

My dreams have made me incredibly insecure... well, that and the fact that I've gained 15lbs. It doesn't help that I eat a bunch of junk food. Sometimes I just want to cry into cookie dough while watching Golden Girls on DVR. I haven't slowed down. I eat, I cook, I clean, I watch TV, I play Sims 3, I sleep, I eat, I clean, I watch TV-- and well, you get the picture.

I came home from work today and hopped in the shower and it felt like the first shower at home after two weeks in away camp. Seriously. That bad. I think the last time I took a shower was Monday? Maybe? Damn. I don't even have a kid to blame. Well.. not yet, anyway. Then I tried to recall my last week or so. What a big shiny blur that is. My back is killing me and I'm always starving.

That's all I can focus on: I'm fat, my back huuuurts and where is the food?

I keep telling myself just to go to the apartment gym and spend an hour on the stationary bike while I read a book and escape for a little while. I can't though-- I can't take a break from the world. Something isn't allowing me to. It took serious effort to slow down and just turn on music... I stared at the blank entry page for a good two hours before words started pouring out. I'm so distracted and pregnant brain. There is so much I want to do and get done and research... It's like I'm a 3 year old with serious ADHD during a light show. My BFF and sister said repeatedly, "Being pregnant makes me dumb." and I thought they were just making excuses.... BOY ARE THEY RIGHT!

I mean, I've never been the brightest light bulb but I'm no Paris Hilton. These days Paris Hilton looks brainy next to me. When I go into work and I get asked common questions about phones my brain just shuts off.

Wow, I suck at thoughts today.