Blarg and Such

Blarg. I was going to do this whole big thing and rant... but instead I will just share some music videos that best describe how I feel... and you can sort it out.

More Music

There is something about being awake when the sky lightens up into a new day that brings me back to all of my past misgivings and lonely nights previous.

Is this where the real me hides? In the dusk before dawn and the silence before the birds awake?

BabyG woke up around four o'clock this A-M. I decided to bite the bullet and just go into the living room with her. She was wide awake. I spoke to her and laughed at her confused expressions on her new born face. She had no idea what I was talking about.. or she did and I sound absurd to her.

I've had a lot of time to myself these last couple days. My distractions have been minimal since I'm trying to gear myself more towards music again and less towards television. BabyG needs to be exposed more to tunes than reality TV. Just sayin'

Well, in this reflection I've been trying to convince myself that this isn't the life that I want because it's what I've always done. I had long decided that I would be single, child-free and always broke as a joke. Now, I have someone that cares for me, takes care of me and helped me produce the cutest little baby, ever. (Everyone says that about their own children, so suck it.) I couldn't be happier. I mean-- seriously. Three years ago I would've called you nutso if you told me I'd have a kid... muchless who WITH.

I mean, really? Hubby? Pssh.

He hates me and stuff and gay things about me.

Yeah... fo'realz, yo.

Now I spend every night with him and I helped produce a beautiful daughter for him. We have an awesome apartment and we not only have food to readily eat, we also have a budget to go somewhere to get food if we want. There is gas in my car and I'm by no means suffering. I don't have this strained artist thing about me anymore. I'm... gasp... a housewife. While I'm not working that is what I am. My main thing is to keep the kid alive and clean the house. Augh, that feels nasty thinking about. I never thought I'd be pegged the home goddess. I always aspired for more. I don't plan on settling in this new job description but I can easily see how people can get swept up in it. Hubby and I have been having long conversations about our five year plan. Having a kid grounds you. By the time she's in school we want to be out of Louisiana and I in a job I enjoy and he in a job that makes him the amount of money he desires.

I can't help but think about my parents at this stage in their marriage. Was my father always the asshat he is now or did he start out better? Did he coo over me as a new born as Hubby does over BabyG? Did my father stress about giving me everything I wanted as a teenager before I could even form my first word? Did my parents have long discussions about life?

I keep thinking about BFF and the first time I met her. Her first child was still breastfeeding and was right before the scooting stage. I remember how detached she was; a little bitter about life but hardly negative. She was a housewife for quite a few months. It wasn't ever her plan either. Now, twins later, she isn't a housewife anymore and she has a degree she is using at her current job. I keep telling myself I should allow myself months instead of days to get things done. BabyG is a few days over two weeks old. Life is just starting for us. Just like them. To be honest, BFF has been my role model in all of this. To me, she's the perfect balance of mother, wife and employee. (She is probably laughing at the idea of being perfect at anything-- but that's why I love her. So modest.) Did I mention she's skinny and runs ten miles like you would tie your shoes?! I want to be like her. Well, I still want to be me but I want to be able to handle life the way she does. I want to meet my goals head on and I want Hubby to be proud of me and everyone else be jealous of us. I want people to say, "No way, you look so good!" when I tell them I have kids and I want to be proud of the paycheck I bring in. I keep reminding myself of the BFF I met that first night though, because that's where I'm at now.

Merry STFU

Pregnant Log
[Pregnant: 26wks]
[Mood Swings: bitchbitchbitch.]
[Cravings: Sweets, cereal, and chicken!]

Friday is Christmas day!!! What? Didn't you know that??

Okay, so maybe it's only Christmas Day for my new little family. I decided that since we're doing christmas in FL with Hubby's grandparents then we should do one just us before we go and within our schedule. Nothing too fussy, just exchanging of gifts and he gets to use his new fryer he bought for thanksgiving. We're just doing a chicken instead of a turkey and invited some people over to partake in said food and someone that Hubby can drink with since I cannot. (Very sad face, I can't wait to not be preggosauras.)

My mom gave us a tree complete with decorations. I've bought all that I'm going to for Hubby... he's difficult to shop for and it's hard enough for me to contain myself and not make him open everything up already. (Last night I forced him into opening one of this gifts... it was cologne. Every morning he'd huff and puff and take forever deciding what to do because he's low on the ones he has.) Today he got to put on his new bottle of Mont Blanc Legend. I even checked up on him today and he was wearing it and still liked it! Score! Now for him to open the rest of his presents and hopefully have the same outcome...

I haven't bought gifts of anyone else. Nope... no one. Luckily, I'm not seeing my family until Feb and we aren't seeing his until Jan. We have a couple extra weeks... but I'm just taking it as it goes. I'm trying to focus on my stresses. Currently, swapping hospitals is my top priority. I'm not feeling so keen on my current one and today a customer came in raving about a hospital Hubby has been rooting for.... so I took that as a final sign. I'm going for a tour tomorrow and will give an official word by the end of the day tomorrow! Hopefully it will be a clean switch. I may get my tub birth after all.



BabyG is moving a lot lately. It's surfacing in my dreamstate. Last night I had this horrible dream about being possessed by a demon and I murdered a couple people by slicing their heads off with these knew knives my MIL sent us as a wedding gift. Well, the people I murdered in my dream were also possessed by demons and somehow by my slaying them I was freed of the demon that was possessing me... It was a weird, stressful dream that left me exhausted all day long. I woke up a couple times just to make sure I was in fact in bed and reality was in deed better than my horrific nightmare. She's a night baby. I was worried because she hasn't been moving around that much the last few days but it dawned on me that she's doing all of her moving while I'm snoozing. Unless I stay up 24/7 it will be hard to be 100% sure. She also likes to nap while I'm moving, the more motionless I am the more movement she pumps out so I think my movement puts her to sleep during the day.

Also, I hate christmas music. "Frosty the Snowman" and "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause" makes me want to punch kittens. Poor, adorable, defenseless, kittens. Two of our stores are stuck on christmas music. Just christmas music. I've heard the top seven christmas songs over twenty dozen times. Yes, twenty dozen... a baker's dozen, even.



We All Want Mental Illness.

Mental illness is tricky business. Most of America is afflicted by it, or hoped to be. I say hoped to be because it seems like every highschooler blog or reality TV show is shoving mental illness down our throats.

"I have OCD"; "I'm BiPolar."; "I'm ADHD"... etc, etc.

Some people announce it like it's a badge of honor. It's their street cred in the life of, "I'm fucked up, now where is my TV show?!" Sadly, people embrace their mental instability instead of trying to mend those mental incapacitates with self-evaluation and self-love.

I like to say I am depressed instead of have depression. Positive feelings are just as natural as negative ones.... it all depends on how you embrace them. I have triggers that set me off, as do most people. Horribly bad medical news from a family member or friend; moving a great distance away from friends and missing out on birthdays/holidays or just working entirely too much. Now, those individually can be triggers as well as stacked. You pile up a few of those and I'm rocky. Once you stack all of them I'm a blubbering baby whos a mega bitch to anyone that might reach out and help. I like to think of my mental break down as that scene in Constantine when he visits hell. It's calm, life slows... and he's sucked into a blustery unpleasantness with demons/negative thoughts sniffing him out and getting ready to attack.

Now, with that said... Everyone is allowed a good cry, an absurd moment... or even an outlandish bitch-mode moment. Everyone is very much entitled. Not saying it's a great thing or it needs to be the new past time but showing emotions are embracing how you're feeling and owning those feelings are when you express them to others. I've discovered that by owning my feelings I feel more power over them. No matter how upset I get or how out of line I am with someone else... Being able to say, "I'm sorry, I got really upset because I haven't had time to myself lately and I feel like life is just smothering the life out of my lately." I owned that feeling, I addressed it and I even apologized (if needed) about that emotion that I took ownership of. Therefore, I felt felt growth within myself and more powerful than that emotion that just took over me. (And maybe can recognize that feeling the next time before I spout off at the mouth.) I smashed that marble and got sent back to earth... got me?

I'm not saying apologizing will get you out of certain situations. If you constantly badmouth someone else because of your own inner turmoil it will be your fault that you can't mend that relationship with that person or that relationship is forever tainted because of your bad vibes. It happens. Best thing for you to do is stay away from that person (Apologizing does still mean something before you leave and may just give that break away from that person time for them to realize that you are able to move forward with a most positive attitude with them. Everything takes time.) and give them space. Let them know you still want to be their friend but at arms length is sometimes best.

But anyway... that's not exactly why I wanted to write this blog. I've just been thinking a lot about all the hate that's being flung around these days. For fucks sake, your Neighborhood Chick-Fil-A hates your gay Uncle Adam. That burns, right? It hurts. It hurts to be hated. It hurts to feel hated. It especially hurts to feel hated by those that don't even know you. No matter what the reason you feel sad or hurt, own those feelings. Don't be afraid to express them. Cry about them, be mad about them... but own them. Their yours. I think if you're able to own your feelings you will be better able to mend that mental instability you have. America isn't about taking responsibility for anything anymore and that saddens me. "Take a pill if you feel sad, it makes you better! Watch out for those sideaffects though! THOSE, could kill you! Not that pill I'm making you take instead of just asking you how you feel."

Blarg.

Well, I guess I'm done ranting for today.

It's fucking trendy to be who you are.

I walked to work yesterday. It's 2.6 miles and took me about 45mins.. give or take. It was an easy walk but towards the last quarter mile I got reallyreally thirsty. On the way there I was also pretty sweaty because the sun was out and even though it's cooled off considerably in the last week or so... that sun still doesn't give a fuck. I decided I needed to walk since riding the bike just seemed like too much work and I'm terrified of riding a bike in the middle of the night on a busy highway (or even the non-hwy route that could be darker) without lights or anything like that. At least walking I am confidant in my ability to run away or pull my knife. (Yes, I carry a knife. Every diva needs a weapon.)

It gave me lots of time to slow down and think about things. On my walk home I listened to the world around me and soaked up the nightlife of Greensboro. My allergies are also fucking up in a serious way. I'm growing concern for my eyesight. I keep getting blurry areas and when I wake up it takes REAL effort to be able to see again. I have also lost my allergy eye drops... again. Fuck. I take them with me as often as possible because the drops drain right back into my sinuses. It's like liquid gold.... granting me wishes of eyesight and proper breathing habits. But anyway... back to what I was saying...

The walk home last night was great. Although I will be bringing a flashlight tonight for my walk back. I stay on a very lit highway but there are a few sections that I almost busted my face on. (Being a clutz + not seeing your own feet = DEVASTATION!) It also probably didn't help that I danced a bit. Pandora was being amazingly on point playing stuff that wasn't actually similar to Tegan & Sara but was awesome all the same. (Hence the song I have on this blog) I don't even think that's the right mix... but it's whatever.

Okay, I'm officially buzzing from coffee. I've been listening to entirely too much Lady Gaga, Britney Spears and Marina & the Diamonds. I'm on a Pop-binge. It's similar to eating 150 Twinkies and then doing it again the next day.... without shame. I don't even give a fuck that pop isn't trendy anymore. Twelve year olds thrive in it and twenty-somethings snub their nose at it publicly and then blare that shit in their car or play the youtube videos while they browse the web. It's trendy to not like something because everyone else does. I say, fuck'em. It's fucking trendy to be who you are. Simple as that. Whoever thinks otherwise is probably wearing the latest name brand and riding the latest band-wagon anyway.

So yeah... I'm going to walk to work again... leaving an hour early is a great filler for my non-existent life. I had much more I wanted to blog about but I just find myself rambling and listing off band names instead of actually saying anything worth-while. Did I mention my tattoo is itching SO BAD?! yes... I want to pull that skin off and scrub it against a washboard. I actually woke up at 6am because it tingled and ached and itched so bad I had to coat it up with lotion before drifting back off to sleep. Whattabitch.

Who needs drugs when you have coffee?

$0.00

I have never been so excited to see three zeros grouped together like that before.

Long story short, I finally paid off my car.

That's right bitches-- I own my shit! I paid it off on the 15th when I got paid. Best thing I've ever spent an entire paycheck on! I feel like the world is truly my oyster now. I'm not tied down by such a large chunk of money anymore. It's actually going to be another 2 months before I can really tell that I'm not making a car payment anymore... but it's so worth it. I'm so fucking excited to be out from under such debt.

I also have an exciting announcement but I won't make an officially statement on it until I am officially instated in it. It's a second job... kind of... "job" being a lack of a better description of it. It's not monetary but it will be well worth it and it's a step towards my endgame goal for life... so HOORAY! I just told you a lot of nothing about something!

 

Behold the suspense!!!!!!

Last.fm is being a big ole cuntbag right now. It refuses to load my library and I can't listen to a radio station. It's fucking pissing me off. I've been listening to Tegan & Sara radio all day on Pandora instead. I would really rather listen to said station on Last.fm... but whatever. If that is the only shitty thing to happen to me, I'm truly in a blissful state of being.

I had an amazing night lastnight. Laila Nur had a concert at a local coffee shop (that I of course missed because Corporate America has me by the short hairs) and she had an after party. I was able to attend the after party and it was glorious. Having musician friends is the most enriching thing ever. Everyone seemed to show up armed with a musical instrument. An older gentleman with a bag of flutes, an amazing dude with a very thick accent of sorts played the most amazing up-close electric violin I've ever heard.... and of course a slew of guitarists. The party was magical. Everyone jammed together, I even sang some (Whoa now... that shit's serious) and I was overcome with this euphoric bliss that cannot be described in words. My friend and I walked home since it was just a couple miles away from my house (I had told my ride to go ahead and leave since she had to wake up early) and about a quarter of the way home we realized it was kind of a bad part of town (once we reached the main road) so I pulled out my pocket knife. I felt gangster. Luckily, no one had to get stabbed.

I've slept like a baby since I paid off my car. Obviously I had been stressing quite seriously about my car payment and what made me short-changed to do so. I face August with still only pennies (after bills are paid) but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can feel my future forming together as it should be.

Blessed Be,

SallyD

Hooray for Earth

Yet again, another tune, on repeat... for hours. I really love this song. I cannot for the life of me find the damned lyrics but I'm PRETTY sure it goes something like: "This time no love is what I need / but I want to, want to learn. / I want to want to learn" and that part reallyreallyreally jives with me. It's suck to me and got caught in my hair like a spider web. (In a far less annoying terrifying way) I have to listen to it twice every time it plays.

Okay, it's official... I have a love affair. With the rowing machine. I love it. I was on it for quite some time today. I can get all the aggressions out. I can feel it everywhere: legs, arms, abs.... Also, I feel it after I leave. I hate leaving the gym and not feeling SOMETHING! It makes it a waste otherwise.

Today at the gym I had a theme that I kept reminding myself of, that theme was:

Do something different.

I started out my normal slow start/hard finish 1 mile on the treadmill and I did the mile in 9mins. Impressive (for me) but not good enough. I miss my 6min 1 miles. I need to get that back. It means running at the 7-8ish mph thingy which you REALLY have to move your ass so you won't fall over or break something... but I'm warming up to it. Then I did some stretches and decided to do things differently. I walked around and attempted some new machines I've never even seen before... did the rowing machine, and then decided to ask the nice lady behind the counter for a basketball. No one was on the court so I thought it was safe to make a fool of myself.

I played a lot of basketball in my preteens... A LOT! After baseball (being too old to be accepted into the boy teams anymore, everyone wanted me to play softball) I needed to find something and basketball was it. Although I loathed playing with the girls. Girls (at that age) are so damn prissy and "Don't hurt me" and the boys would plow me over, help me up and then we'd just scamper off after the ball together. I played basketball with the boys during school hours in gym class (Even though the gym teacher thought I was just trying to flirt with the boys instead of get away from the girls whining) and the community basketball teams had a good diverse group and most of the girls in the team weren't prissy. Then I got too old for it and HAD to get into softball.

But anyway...

I played 15mins of bball today and it was great. I chased the ball and quickly remembered some stuff from "way back when" and it was great. I was kind of sad that there was no one in the gym after a couple minutes. Even though I wouldn't make a lot of points... it would be nice to "fight" for the ball. I love street ball. I kind of miss it. My cousin breathes, eats, loves, basketball. He's obsessed. If I ever was like, "Hey, meet me at the gym in five for a pick-up game" he'd be there, no questions. He didn't even care that I was such an easy win. Obviously I was no match for him in a game he worships.... but it was still fun. He'd even let me win sometimes. (to encourage me to keep playing, I think) My arms are so sore from just 15mins of solo shooting. I need to get back into a sport pronto. It'd give me something to look forward to.

The steam room was getting cleaned so it kind of messed my routine up but I did as many laps in the pool as my arms would allow (which wasn't much) and then I eased my way into the hot tub. I had this calming wave come over me and I smiled to myself. Today will be a good day. So far it's been great. I came home, sat on the front porch and ate while I read. My roommate got up and took me to get coffee. I got a raspberry iced tea and the lady gave me a 31oz cup "because we only have one left!" for the price of a venti. There was a cute chick on the patio that I got to look at for a little while when my roommate and I sat out there chatting before coming back home. It was nice.

Now I'm about to hop in the shower and attempt to be girly for work. Maybe do my hair... I'm not feeling the make up today though... I can't wait until I get rid of my stinkin' glasses. This month, hopefully, I can pay off my car... mostly. Then next month I can take a big chunk out of what I owe for rent and by November I should have everything paid off.... (Including my new computer) And then hopefully by Jan or Feb I should have my own place. Either a 1 bedroom or a roommate and I situation. Hopefully a 1 bedroom, I REALLYREALLY want to live by myself. I'm tired of having roommates.... in general. I'm better by myself. I may not even be in Greensboro by February... I have no idea.

Okay, work now.

Blessed Be,
SallyD

Music Wednesday (Music: Swing Tree by Discovery)

Listen. Enjoy.

Thank me later.



Blessed Be,
SallyD