I want both.

Ten days. One Zero. Ten. Ten days and I get to wake up next to him, cuddle him during a thunderstorm and nag him when I'm feeling bitchy. Sigh I cannot wait! I can tell that he's excited too, since his smiles are bigger on Skype as of late.

"You're going to miss those babies!"
I keep hearing from... well... everyone. It's true too. The twins I babysit have quickly become my entire life. My reason to get up in the morning, my smile when I feel like crying as well as my hair-pulling, snotty nosed cry babies when I'm already at my wits end. They cry when I walk out of a room, they make me feel needed.... they snuggle me close when they're feeling bad. I'm going to miss those little bobble heads like no other. It's not just the twins though, I'm going to miss their older sister, their mom, their dad, their Mama C and PawPaw. All of them. This family has been with me through the thick and thin. They have given me a place to stay when no one else wanted me. This family has given me a job when I was scraping by at a sandwich shop. This family has done absolutely everything for me, without hesitation, without asking for anything in return. Leaving them breaks my heart. I can't help but cry at the idea of leaving them at all much-less in need. The boys are still too young for daycare and too expensive to have in daycare, anyway. The boys don't like strangers but they took to me the first time I met them. Their older sister asks if I'm out of the house for longer than twenty minutes. I feel more apart of this family than I have any family, ever. Yes, even my own. They accept me for who I am and always wish me the best. They have showed me unconditional love (Not required by blood relation) and now I have my chance at also creating a family of my own. It's the dilemma of a life time. I've tried not to think about it. BFF (The twin's mom) and I don't speak about it... It's the elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge. I worry about them thinking I'm abandoning them. Is it too selfish to leave now? But staying hurts too. I feel like I'm happy with a thorn in my side. It's like gnawing my arm off to live another day. I want both things equally. To stay and be apart of this family and to go and start my own with someone who I've always had a very strong emotional attachment to.

I want both.

I want both.

I want both.

I've been going through the motions since I got back from my short visit to Louisiana. Sometimes I'm in the moment [with normal every day routine] and I'd think, "I've got to remember this, take a picture, cherish it... I'm about to move" and it still wouldn't feel real. As I'm nearing the single digits on my countdown, the realization has settled heavy somewhere in my pelvic region. (You know, where IBS lives.) I feel like it's a backpack when I run, a fly in my ear as I play with the boys and a heavy beating drum when I'm hanging out chatting with BFF. I don't feel doubt in wanting to live and be with Hubby, I feel guilt for being happy. Does that make sense? How can I be happy about something that will be taking me away from this new family that has stood by me for so long? Guilt because I've lost friends along the way and it doesn't bother me. Guilt because I'm so happy and quite frankly, I'm not sure I care who I lose in the process. (Well, accept the twins and their family. Everyone else can go fuck themselves for all I care.) Hubby means that much to me.... I hear that's suppose to prove you do have real love. The fact that the ones that matter supports us the most seems to be the shining factor.

This isn't a thinking decision, this is a decided matter. It's finally sunk in. It's real. This isn't a fantasy anymore. This isn't a day dream on a hot summer day in Greensboro... or a last thought before drifting off to sleep in the middle of winter....

This is real.

Holy shit, is it real.

"Equal to what? To me? Riiiight."

First off, I want to make it clear that I live in the bible belt. There are some free thinkers here but we are greatly outnumbered by redneck ignorance.

"Are you going to remove your homo sticker from your car now?" My sister giggled as she asked me.

"No, why should I?" I question.

"Because, you're going to get married to a DUDE, you HETERO!" She insisted.

"Just because I'm marrying a male doesn't mean I don't agree that all love is equal. I'm not straight. I just ended up with a dude because he ended up being the PERSON for me. I advocate love. I'm FOR homos to be on equal footing." I said in between shoving pizza in my mouth trying to sound casual.

"Whatever, HETERO!" She joked back. I glance over and notice that my grandma is nervously laughing in the corner and my sister's kitchen has quite a few family members in it.

Good, I thought, they need to know I'm not one of them.

 I'm still me, I'm still carrying the same views: no matter what my "lifestyle" choices represent from afar.

I'm so annoyed.... [I keep trying to finish that statement but it just ends in childish finger pointing.] I don't consider myself straight. I just don't. I met a lady a few years ago that was married to her wife and very content but refused to settle with the title lesbian. "But you're married and monogamous to a woman! That's the same sex, you two are female! That makes you a lesbian!" Everyone at the house party would joke. She would scoff and shake her head, "No you idiots, that makes me faithful to the person I love, but I still find males attractive! Just because I'm married doesn't mean my sexual preferences have changed, it just means I happen to have found someone to love and that loves me back. They just happened to be the same sex as I am. That's all." I looked her right in the eyes as she spoke, secretly thinking she was a lesbian and should just accept it just like everyone else. 

But now that I am in her shoes I completely understand her sentiment. I watched a Brandon Teena story today and the people they interviewed made me cringe with disgust. How is it acceptable to question a transgendered individual how they can go around kissing someone of their same below the waist gender in an interview about being RAPED?! Don't even get me started on the war against women to begin with. The cop questioning him basically said, "Well, since you're lying to everyone about being a man when you actually have a vagina, you must have asked for this to happen." During his interview. I applaud Brandon for refusing to answer those questions referring to his gender identity and who he preferred to date. Brandon didn't have an identity crisis. He had an identity that everyone seemed to have a crisis with.

It infuriates me to no end that it is acceptable to question someone about their sexuality.... ESPECIALLY if they aren't inquiring because they'd like to be romantic with the person in question! The only time you should inquire someone's preference is if you wish to start a romantic or sexual encounter with said person. I cannot for the life of me come up with any other reason you would inquire or make comment in reference to the sex of another person's preference. Well, I guess if you're hoping to connect a friend or relative with a friend you might want to know but that's the only other instance I can come up with.

Basically: I don't see who I fuck has to do with how you make your eggs in the morning.

Why can't people just respect each other and live their own lives? I don't see why it has to be a common people issue.... simply because I don't see the issue. Civil Rights are meant for everyone. I believe with having a black president we have made a huge leap in the right direction for human equality.

Now if we could only get a female homo Latina in office, we might actually have some legit equality evolving!