Valentine's Day is for schmucks

Okay, okay... before you just write this off as yet another anti-valentine's blog hear me out.

First off: I think every gift giving relationship "holiday" is complete bullshit. Yes, even anniversaries.

Why? You ask.
Here's why. Those days weigh so heavy on men and Significant Others. Those specificed Hallmark-fuelled days socially sets them up to fail. So much hype and comparisons make for a lot of disappointment.

We All Want Mental Illness.

Mental illness is tricky business. Most of America is afflicted by it, or hoped to be. I say hoped to be because it seems like every highschooler blog or reality TV show is shoving mental illness down our throats.

"I have OCD"; "I'm BiPolar."; "I'm ADHD"... etc, etc.

Some people announce it like it's a badge of honor. It's their street cred in the life of, "I'm fucked up, now where is my TV show?!" Sadly, people embrace their mental instability instead of trying to mend those mental incapacitates with self-evaluation and self-love.

I like to say I am depressed instead of have depression. Positive feelings are just as natural as negative ones.... it all depends on how you embrace them. I have triggers that set me off, as do most people. Horribly bad medical news from a family member or friend; moving a great distance away from friends and missing out on birthdays/holidays or just working entirely too much. Now, those individually can be triggers as well as stacked. You pile up a few of those and I'm rocky. Once you stack all of them I'm a blubbering baby whos a mega bitch to anyone that might reach out and help. I like to think of my mental break down as that scene in Constantine when he visits hell. It's calm, life slows... and he's sucked into a blustery unpleasantness with demons/negative thoughts sniffing him out and getting ready to attack.

Now, with that said... Everyone is allowed a good cry, an absurd moment... or even an outlandish bitch-mode moment. Everyone is very much entitled. Not saying it's a great thing or it needs to be the new past time but showing emotions are embracing how you're feeling and owning those feelings are when you express them to others. I've discovered that by owning my feelings I feel more power over them. No matter how upset I get or how out of line I am with someone else... Being able to say, "I'm sorry, I got really upset because I haven't had time to myself lately and I feel like life is just smothering the life out of my lately." I owned that feeling, I addressed it and I even apologized (if needed) about that emotion that I took ownership of. Therefore, I felt felt growth within myself and more powerful than that emotion that just took over me. (And maybe can recognize that feeling the next time before I spout off at the mouth.) I smashed that marble and got sent back to earth... got me?

I'm not saying apologizing will get you out of certain situations. If you constantly badmouth someone else because of your own inner turmoil it will be your fault that you can't mend that relationship with that person or that relationship is forever tainted because of your bad vibes. It happens. Best thing for you to do is stay away from that person (Apologizing does still mean something before you leave and may just give that break away from that person time for them to realize that you are able to move forward with a most positive attitude with them. Everything takes time.) and give them space. Let them know you still want to be their friend but at arms length is sometimes best.

But anyway... that's not exactly why I wanted to write this blog. I've just been thinking a lot about all the hate that's being flung around these days. For fucks sake, your Neighborhood Chick-Fil-A hates your gay Uncle Adam. That burns, right? It hurts. It hurts to be hated. It hurts to feel hated. It especially hurts to feel hated by those that don't even know you. No matter what the reason you feel sad or hurt, own those feelings. Don't be afraid to express them. Cry about them, be mad about them... but own them. Their yours. I think if you're able to own your feelings you will be better able to mend that mental instability you have. America isn't about taking responsibility for anything anymore and that saddens me. "Take a pill if you feel sad, it makes you better! Watch out for those sideaffects though! THOSE, could kill you! Not that pill I'm making you take instead of just asking you how you feel."

Blarg.

Well, I guess I'm done ranting for today.

History is Important/Dear Hubby's ExGFs

I never thought it'd come to this. The writing of this blog, that is. I thought I could avoid this subject and pretend we're all adults here and all voids can be filled in with desired words and feelings and phrases. You know, the way most adults hide things they'd rather not talk about.

Also, I'm a bit chicken shit when it comes to confrontation that could/should easily be avoided. I just don't see the point in kicking up dust about something that is a done-deal. Over. Ship has sailed, ya know?

Okay, I'm going to stop with the vague prologue and actually start saying some other vague things that might mean something.

Many months ago Hubby and I were discussing the "What if we got together" scenarios. I quickly clammed up and stammered out some bullshit excuses of why we wouldn't work out. He and I have known each other for years and never once said those words aloud. It was something that we would hint at or flutter some eyelashes at but never form those words. It was also an alien idea when someone would bring it to our attention that we obviously had an attraction to each other. "Don't be silly." or "Beth is gay." Would usually shut people up and excuse the idea graciously.

The truth is (which is truly beside the point now and not really anyone's true business) long ago I was between relationships but still kind of involved with someone when I was invited to Hubby's old apartment years ago. I was at a fork in the road. My BFF at the time insisted I come over and meet her guy's roommate because we are eerily the same and in a rough remembrance of her words: "Weird as shit in the same ways." I agreed because there was going to be new people and alcohol involved. Sounded like early 20s heaven.

I arrived alone but oldBFF was already there and made sure to tell me on the phone that Hubby was there and she was already talking me up. My personal love life was the perfect storm but I wasn't going there just to meet him, but if something was going to happen I'm never about stopping a good thing.... Plus, I was technically single. Long story short, I meet him and instantly jab my oldBFF in the ribs, "He's shorter than you said." She snorted and just told me to drink more. He and I hadn't spoken even after me floating around the group of people in a tiny living room for over an hour. I figured he was greatly uninterested and thought I was ugly until I found out he had a girlfriend.

Okay, as a side note...

There were times in my life where a girlfriend hasn't stopped me from trying. That is bad for my image to confess, I'm sure. But seriously, who in their early 20s didn't give a shit about a vague mention of a girlfriend after lots of drinks and EVERYONE (Yes, everyone) in the room whispering in your ear to go for it anyway?

Now that I've confessed that "sin" I can continue. The night progressed and I always kept an ear out to over hear anything Hubby was saying. The usual shit talk between drinking buddies and then oldBFF loudly announces to the entire room, "Beth plays that weirdo World of Warcraft too!" Everyone turned towards me, sitting on the floor, talking to whoever. I nervously scan the room and notice he looked at me for the first time. Our eyes locked and I could feel my face turn red, I hoped it was dark enough in the room to hide how embarrassed I was. At the time I actually hadn't played WoW in over a year but that didn't matter to oldBFF, she was all about making me look like a fool in groups of people.

Fast Forward probably another hour and I managed to get Hubby and I on the couch together but we had a whole cushion between us. "You know, I won't bite. You can sit closer to me." He insisted. I slid closer, "Well wait: Horde or Alliance?" he asked. I said, "Horde, duh." As quick as I could trying to sound casual but not as crazy as oldBFF had made me out to be. We talked that entire night. For the most part we were in the same circle of people making general conversation until the party started to wind down. I tried to lay it on thick but open ended that I was roughly getting into a relationship with a girl that oldBFF hated. Well, oldBFF didn't hate HER, just her with me. Turns out oldBFF was right, but that's also beside the point at this juncture. 

Let's go back to Hubby and I sitting on the couch. Think: small condo living room with easily 20 people scattered about. They smoked in the condo and I was the only one that didn't smoke. It was hazy and packed in there. When he spoke to me I just wanted to hear him talk more. I wasn't sure how much alcohol was speaking for me but I did know that I definitely appreciated his views on things and wanted sober time with him at a later date. I was captivated. I blamed it on the alcohol and found myself in his bedroom. After being shut down three times because of this flimsy reference to a girlfriend (who didn't sound exciting) I acquiesced and took my denial with grace. He didn't even kiss me or touch me in any inappropriate way. I even slept on the floor most of the night because he was terrified his girlfriend would break up with him and I was hopeful she would. He was a gentleman of the 21st century. I was baffled, hurt and out to prove he'd regret that decision for the rest of his life. I also had decided that he thought I am ugly.

Fast Forward to a couple months later, we all move into this huge house downtown. Including Hubby and his girlfriend that was previously mentioned. By that point she had confronted me about that night and since I was an easy four years older than her (and two feet taller) I found her to be more like a hurtle to Hubby than an intimidater. She did have her good qualities about her though... mainly the ones I could see in myself that she also had. That sounds snotty, I know, but I'm talking in the moment. I had to see them kiss and be cute together. By that time Hubby and I had spent more time together and our conversations had more depth to them than video games. I got into a relationship with the girl that I was rocky with before and she hated Hubby with every bit of everything she had in her. It made hanging out with him even in a group very difficult but I did it anyway. She seemed to hate anything and anyone I was associated with anyway so what was someone that meant a lot to me? Worth it. 

Fast Forward a couple more months. I had moved out of the big party house because I couldn't take it anymore but was still rather close to the old house it's self. My birthday rolls around. I have a new girlfriend and the old housemates shows up to celebrate with me, sans Hubby. He also had a new, very annoying, live-in girlfriend and a new place. I'm very unhappy with everything in my life. Everything. Even the new apartment. My new roommate wasn't working out and new girlfriend was a raging alcoholic. I drank a lot. My bar tab was easily over $200 and a lot of it I didn't pay for. Wasted, I text Hubby and give him shit for not being with me on my birthday. My new girlfriend takes the phone from my hand and gets us to come over to his house after the bar closed. I am literally crying, begging her to just take me home because I couldn't handle seeing him with another girl. She was not happy about that at all. I get there and I'm so belligerent I get shoved on the couch with his new girlfriend. I close my eyes and try to make it go away but I can still hear his voice and feel his couch beneath me and can hear our girlfriends talking. I remember talking very loudly in my head and shutting down. I woke up the next day in the spare room with his door closed. I knew they were in there together and kept telling myself I was just as bad because I woke up in someone else's arms. I remember doing everything I could to leave before they emerged from the same room together. I got my wish but before we could get to the stop sign he texted me and asked why I had left so quick. I just told him I needed to be in my own bed, which was true... but I couldn't express my disgust and sadness. I spent that whole next day in the dark, very hungover and depressed. 

Roughly three months later I broke up with new girlfriend, reconnected with old girlfriend and moved four hours away... alone. I reconnected with old girlfriend because I was lonely, nothing more. I tried to forget everything about my hometown and those wasted relationships and dwell on other things: my emotions and my views on life. Also, how to be alone. Truly alone. Not emotionally attached to anyone and certainly not exclusive with anyone. Old girlfriend was driving up to see me almost every weekend and she just made me more depressed. I couldn't shake her. She wouldn't go away. She wouldn't get it. "You're in love with him aren't you? Or is it a new girl here?" She would snidely ask at every opportunity. "It's no one, but it isn't you either. I just want to be alone." I'd tell her. Then I would dwell on Hubby for days and ask myself if I really did love him. At that point we rarely spoke, I was trying to make him a part of my past because we never had a clear future. 

Fast Forward a year later. I'm still living four hours from the town I had met Hubby in but we still communicated via facebook and had started texting once or twice a week. I finally worked up enough nerve to ask him to come visit me. "I've moved to Louisiana for work." He says, "That's seventeen hours from North Carolina." He says. My stomach sank. "I'm single now." He adds. I gulp. Unsure what that meant for me, why mention it? Is that something people who reconnect talk about? I decided it was just small talk. "Are you single?" he asks. I give him the abridged texting version of telling old girlfriend to fuck off and that I was trying to be single and repair myself so I can be ready to date again. "That's real mature of you. You always seemed more in touch with yourself than anyone else out of the Real World House." (That's what he calls the big party house we all lived in) I exhaled. It was just small talk. He didn't want to date me after all.

Five months later I have my epiphany and feel ready to date again so I start "Putting myself out there" as they say. Primarily for girls, but hopeful for Hubby. "I'm dating a girl I met at work." He says. Oxygen leaves me. "We spent a weekend in New Orleans, it was great." He says. "O yeah, and do you remember [name removed]? We dated some before I moved here and she's talking about coming to visit me." Real tears. I was sitting at my hotel job fighting back full-blown sobs. I had no words. He went in depth about both interactions with those females, which isn't unlike our previous conversations but at that point amongst my search for inner peace I had unearthed my very legitimate crush for Hubby. I also had accepted that I would never have a chance with him, but still hearing about those trysts was very difficult for me. I remember drinking a whole bottle of wine after work that night and not talking to him for days and being real short with him to try to make the conversation stop. About a week or so later he calls me and we talk for hours before I pass out. I remember crying while on the phone with him, very quietly, one tear at a time. "I miss you." He says, "No... I mean, really miss you, Beth."

Shortly after that I tell him I'm moving back to my parent's place because my attempts to replace him were futile and I had found myself to be homeless once more. Well, I left the part out about him out. "You know that offer for me to help you move out here and live with me is still open, you know. As roommates. I miss living with you. We could get married too... for health insurance, you know." I laugh at him, he had sang me that song days before confessing his New Orleans trip and being with a mutual friend of ours. I thought he was mocking me. No thanks, I tell him, it's time I face the music and go home. I've pretended I can do this by myself long enough. "Yeah, you suck at whatever you're trying to do there. You won't last long at your parent's place. The offer never closes. I'm here when you need me. I worry about you." He says.

That was Thanksgiving, by Christmas I was dating a dude I had known since my preteen years. We had only been unofficially spending time together for a couple weeks before it fell apart. "That guy that you're always texting and talking to on facebook, anything go on with him that I need to know about?" Dude asks during one of our many exit arguments. "No, but maybe I should take him up on that marriage offer he's kept throwing my way. Even if he won't ever love me it'd be better than this." That's the moment my brain fired off and I could see myself being with Hubby, without restraint, without bullshit... just us. Together. Suddenly the last couple years seemed worth the struggle if I could be with him, in any capacity. "Yeah, I should call him." I say on my way out. 

By this time I was living with BFF and her family and was their nanny. I loved that family already and they loved me, so it seemed like a legit move. I had also canceled my cellphone because I couldn't afford the bill. I was at rock bottom. My family and I weren't getting along as well. I was once again feeling the sadness creep into my brain like a dark electrical storm. Small flashes of light only highlighting my failures. Very intoxicated, freshly moved into BFF's place, I figured, what the hell? Might as well make it worse. I use my iPod touch and send Hubby a message on facebook and explain that my phone number had been turned off the day before Christmas Eve and if he wanted to contact me it'd have to be via facebook and "O yeah, I really find you very attractive and would really like to take you up on that marriage offer." This time he thought I was joking so I unleashed how depressed I was and how my life was in shambles and the only time I felt whole was when he was in the same room or I could hear his voice or that little noise my phone made and I knew it was a message from him. Then I added, "Don't think I'm settling for you because settling makes me think of a last resort, when really I feel like you're the only idea I've been trying to pretend I didn't want. I want to be with you. Even if it's a roommate or fake wife. Just please, let me see you every day. Can I please see you every day? And if you have a girlfriend right now, I guess everything I just said sounds extremely lame and I'm very intoxicated, sorry. I will stop digging myself into a hole and go to bed now." Turns out he didn't have a girlfriend and he shared my same sentiment. 

The rest is history.

I came to visit him in Louisiana and it was like my whole world made sense. I came down the escalator at the airport to see him clutching coffee in one hand, other hand in his pocket and his eyes locked on me for the first time. I felt like he was really seeing me for the first time and I was seeing him. No hazy condo living room, no conversation leaned over his girlfriend (or mine), not anymore miles dividing us. Nothing in between us... except maybe a limo driver we had to dance around before I was able to push my body against his in a hug, "Nope." He said as he slid my face to his and our faces connected for the first time. Our first kiss. So many years ago denied from me. Our lips met and I knew I could never be apart from him again. The room stopped moving, my leg went up, fireworks burst all over the world. All of that. He wasn't a tainted idea in my head anymore, Hubby was real and legitimate. His shaky fingers clutching his cold Starbucks cup let me know he wasn't faking his intentions with me. His flushed red face as I leaned in for another kiss made me realize he really does have feelings for me. "You really want to be my wife?" He says before we even get my luggage. "Yes, I do." I reply.

Okay... so... why tell you all of that?

Simple: I've taken so long to get to where I'm at and be with Hubby. I've had to put up with his Ex-Girlfriends and various in-betweens for years along the way. I'm done. Got it? DONE. I deleted all of his ExGFs and in-betweens from my Facebook (Even if I have absolutely no problems with them and knew them before they connected with Hubby) I hold no ill-will towards anyone he's been with. Especially because we were friends and I never once told him how I felt about him through all of that. He is not at fault and he is still welcome to be friends with them if he wants. I'm not into controlling anyone. Free will and all that. I got it. But, I do deserve to be with him without hurtles anymore. Without outside worries. I was so jealous of all of those women for so long, it's hard to shake that emotion when this is still very new to me. It's new to wake up to him and have him come home to me every night. It's new to me to have him tell me he loves me. It's new to me to not have hurtles between us. Let me have no hurtles, okay? Give me a break. You had him before me, I understand that, but I have him now and I'm never letting go. Your opinions of such will not sway me. You've got to remember, I was there the entire time you were with him, I know more about him that you ever will. I'm not saying I will ignore these women for the rest of time, but I definitely will be avoiding them for the first year at least. For my own mental stability and self-righteousness.

So back the fuck off, k?

So this is what being a house wife feels like?

I've been in Louisiana for about a week. I'm officially moved here and terrified of driving.

We arrived in Louisiana around 7am last Tuesday. Very tired and very glad to be out of my car. Wednesday we spent way more money than anticipated on things just meant to make the apartment functional.

We wake up every morning smiling at each other... talk just as much during the day and then cuddle up on the couch at night and watch tv until going to bed. I've never been so happy to be broke in my life. Okay, so "broke" is a loose term. We're Hubby broke, not MY kind of broke. (There is a couple hundred dollars difference in that perception of "broke")

I keep trying to remind myself, "Everything is great to start out with... it's bound to not be as awesome at some point..." but I really don't see that happening. We are very much like we use to be but quite happier and there is romantics involved. It's nice to not be awkward around each other. I'm noticing the real relaxed Hubby can be, not what I thought his relaxed was. We also seem to have a sixth sense about each other. It's awesome.

Last Thursday I came down with something and have been coughing my head off all weekend. I've felt the best since then today. I've mainly got the Apartment together. The living room is basically finished and we only need random things sporadically around the apt to complete each room.... which I assume we will complete each room just in time to move again.

Other than, "Life is fucking amazingly awesome right now but slightly boring during the day because I do nothing but drink, watch netflix and now play video games while waiting on Hubby to get home." I have nothing else to report... O, and that I am in love and this feels absolutely right.

Uhhh... yeah... that is all.

Why We are Eloping

For one, Hubby and I have known each other for quite some time. Most of our communication and hanging out was done without informing the masses. Our friendship for the most part was private. Not because we felt we had to be secret, but because we never felt a need to blab it around town. Our time together was always special and outside populace was never a concern. Our mutual friends reacted both shocked and not-so-shocked at us announcing the news. They were shocked because no one realized how close we were and not-so-shocked because they could totally see us together.

I know I love him. I know he loves me. That is not in question. To us, we don't need an audience to prove our vows valid. Not to mention the gawkers that would show or the abundance of drama that could ensue from our drunken friends speaking to our relatives. "Remember when..." stories would rosy our cheeks super quick-like.

So I guess in a way, we are saving face and giving everyone the middle finger too. Not so much in a "Screw you guys, we don't need you!" kind of way but in a, "You guys are awesome but we would rather be alone for this." kind of way. So maybe the middle finger is just to our exes and those that were trying to keep us apart although we were friends with each other and we refused to stop txting and calling each other.

Don't take it personally. My grandmother (whom could lay an egg with excitement that I'm marrying a man) isn't invited to see the exchange of vows and legal signing of documents. That is saying something. Also, our mothers had the same excitement and glee, "I'm just happy you two found each other and will be married!" At this point they just want me to squeeze out a kid or two and us live under the same roof-- I don't think they really care about the rest. (It's all just a technicality to get married, really.)

Basically-- Us getting married is just a socially enforced thing that also enables us to do all those fancy things you're trying to keep gay people from. We want those fancy state/federally acknowledged things. Plus, I think he really digs the idea of me sporting his last name. Nothing to do with religion or if I wore white or not.... or what soandso said to soandso... and "zOmg, can you believe her hair?" Yeah... none of that. At least not on our dime. You can do that all you want from afar on Facebook. (Which, duh, will happen)

In two weeks we move under one roof.

C a n n o t       w a i t!

Emptiness.

I can't shake this feeling. The sadness. The woe. The disparity. The empty chair across from me mocks me.

What am I doing here? Why am I spinning my wheels?
Question.
Question.
Question.

Reading Anaïs Nin will be the death of me. Her stories of finding herself through her husband's money and other men's perceptions. Recreating herself and conforming to each man as if he held the key to who she truly is. It saddens me to know that this is what most females do... And why I remain emotionally unattached through most of my adult life.

Okay, so not all legitimate relationships are defined as man and woman. (And I don't like pretending like the rest of the world that only the opposite sex can have real love.) Only in context of Anaïs Nin do I speak of the dynamic of lost self and seeking self via opposite sex... Well, sex. She does it all wrong and so realistically human it's amazingly beautiful. It's like graffiti on a condemned building.

For a large part of my life I've felt very alone. Although my complaints seem loud and annoying up here there are many times I was pleased with my solidarity. It only got lonely when I was reminded of the shallow loveless sex I was having induced by large amounts of alcohol and fellow loneliness. Maybe I see the flaws in the character of Sabina because I lived them. I live them many times over. In search of self I escaped into brief moments of lust and lingering desires of a heart un-quenched by life.

That damn empty chair.

I have driven an hour out of my hometown for coffee and to sequester myself to my thoughts. Clear my head... Only to make it more cloudy. Clarity only comes when it is undesired. Now I am highly caffeinated and feeling alone by my own hand. I was going to treat myself to dinner and a movie. (The usual treat for sadness and needing a distraction... A date by myself) I find myself yearning for my counterpart in the most embarrassing of ways. A thousand miles between us and what am I waiting for? Days to come and go, a couple more hours on the paycheck... My heart to burst and death to bestow its last laugh at my attempts of happiness.

I spent all weekend torn in two directions. Should I stay or go? I'm staying for selflessness and wanting to leave out of selfishness.... But why stay when the selflessness is going unnoticed by those you want to notice?

My dire need to be respected and loved by my family seems like a hamster wheel of failure. I run, chase and grit my teeth to no avail. I fear the only ways of succeeding would leave me stifled and ripping my hair out day dreaming of so much more life to be lived. I'm more than a picture frame, I am the picture within the frame bursting to move and be free. I am the distant horizon in a visage so brilliant in colors you have to squint to witness it.

"Be the change you wish to see in this world." Yes. So true. Smile because you want others to smile... Take yourself on dates because you can never depend on another to do it for you... Because you shouldn't have to depend on another to make you smile. If there was anything I could ever teach someone else it's to love yourself first an treat yourself better than anyone else could treat you. You first, everyone else second. So when you do find love you know the standard they should keep: your own.

I'm just rambling.... Staring at an empty chair at a Starbucks in a tiny beach town in the middle of winter.

Hopeful, not hopeless.

It seems like every blog I make recently it's to defend myself for one reason or another.

I find myself single, once again. This time I don't even blame myself at all. I have no idea how something that seemed so sound and so solid could suddenly be cold and transparent.

I struggle to mourn the loss of another failed relationship. Maybe I'm repressing those feelings? Maybe I just don't care? Maybe he wasn't worth it to begin with? Eh, those are all questions that don't need answers...

My self worth is fine but my confidence in others is greatly lacking. I know what I'm good at
I know I'm an excellent "ladyfriend"
I know I can make someone the happiest they've ever been.


It's just a matter of finding someone who wants to accept me for who I am, that has enough confidence in me and our connection... And will respect me. That's a major one. It's so hard to find someone that can step up to the plate and be willing to compromise and blend with someone else.

A couple days ago I realized I'm more of a lover than I've allowed myself to acknowledge. I guess I don't want to be the hopeless romantic that is perpetually hopeless. I'm on the eve of my 25th birthday. I want an adult life. I want to share that adult life with someone else. No drama. No questions and lies... Just love. I'm not holding my breath over it, but I am hopeFUL as of late.

I am "talking" with someone.. That isn't exactly new... But is a prospect I overlooked for awhile. I'm interested in how it may unfold. When it does leak I think my entire hometown will implode but I won't be here for the backlash...


I will be elsewhere, enjoying my new life.

Grow the fuck up

I've decided today that I'm not allowing myself to get a new cellphone until I catch up on at least two bills and fix my windshield.

That's putting me at 60 days without a cellphone. Lucky for me my closest people (sans Mom and BFF) have iPhones so I can iMessage them for free... As long as I have wifi. I'm going to take my time paying Verizon bill off Because otherwise it may be three months before I can be all caught up. I'm so friggin tired of being broke. Having my phone cut off is such a relief. I don't feel like I'm being suffocated anymore. $90 for one person to have a phone is fucking ridiculous. I will never do that again.

I have got to start working out again. I feel bloated with Christmas cheer and it's making me self conscience. I don't feel pretty. I've got to put my foot down and demand some wii fit time, I guess. I need to go get my stuff to do I can get all my gym attire and my computer. Dear baby Jesus, I miss my computer! But I feel like I owe my friend a storage fee for my stuff so that puts me at a dilemma... I can now afford to go get my stuff but can't pay her too. Augh, it's the story of my life.

I hate dating in my hometown. Everyone has some bullshit to say or some opinion. I feel like my new relationship is being tossed into the ball pit at McDonalds and my previous relationships as well as their friends are in there too... And we're all trying to not bump into each other. It's frustrating. It also doesn't help that I'm not thrown into the gossip so I have no idea what's swarming around about me and can only anticipate when it comes full circle.

Another reason I'm okay with no longer having a phone-- no one knows how to get up with me. (Especially those I want to forget about me) I love not getting random drunk texts from exs or couldvebeen's. I like the idea of starting off on a clean slate. When I get a new number very few will get it. I'm ready for a mature life.

I plan on cleaning up my Facebook as well. I'm going to delete whole picture folders and change my info some. I'm going to detach my twitter from my Facebook too. I will be turning 25 in 2012... It's about damn time I stop acting like I have no idea about my endgame goal in life. I don't want to be a drifter anymore. I want to have a homebase and have someone to come home to.

I'm finding out you can be a grown up without having a mundane life. My future keeps getting brighter by the second and I want to be able to harness it's magnitude.

NahNahNah... I can't hearrr youuuu

I want to talk about the, "I'ma ignore you until you go away" in the dating scene. I don't like it. I don't like it when it happens to me and I don't like the feeling I have when I do it to someone else. I've had it happen to me a couple times... the no response after a couple days of trying to get up with someone. The unanswered phone calls back in middle school when I just wanted them to talk to me. The anguish, the questions... the "What did I do so wrong that would permit such silence?" I'm here to break down that barrier and feed it to you on the real.

When someone ignores you to make you go away, or one-word-answers you into a stupor it may be for a wide range of things. Some may actually be you; while others may simply not be you at all. Always consider the possibility that that other person is a chicken-shit, asshole.

Always ask yourself, "How long have I known this person?"  

If you answer the question: Just one date/That night at a bar/One night stand/At that party that one night/We only know each other kind of through some people.

Get over it. Honestly. Get. Over. It. Who cares? They don't respond to you after two days?-- Move on. No harm, no fowl. It fucking sucks to give someone the, "You're a great person, just not for me." conversation... because then you have to go through the whole "But, why?" from them and you really don't have anything legit to say... it's all kind of fluffy bullshit. If the vibes aren't there, something was said that rubbed them the wrong way, something small but significant like that... (or they are actively talking to three others and it just wasn't your time to shine) it's cool. Don't let it hurt your feelings. People are people and they're allowed to feel that way without anything really being wrong with you. Especially if you barely know this person. Seriously-- it's okay. Sometimes things are just better left unsaid.

Okay, then ask yourself: "What happened last time we were together?"

Now... really evaluate this one. Take time on it. I'm a little obsessive so I replay conversations quite often in my head. I track body movements and how the words were expressed. Did you say something that they openly disagreed with? Maybe it was something small (to you) but it weighed pretty heavy on their side. Maybe it's something that really pissed them off and you DID do something wrong... but you've already sent that txt going, "Uhh, did I do something wrong?" and got no response... what to do now? Nothing. Don't do a thing. It's whatever. If that person really wants you in their life, they will respond when they are ready. If you keep pestering them every day or every hour... they probably won't ever respond to you and will make every attempts at avoiding you whenever possible. I do, however, think that maybe checking in after it's been a couple weeks is legit. If you still get no response, it's been a few weeks-- that's not insane. Just send a solitary txt along the lines of, "Hey, hows it going?" If there is still no response, it's whatever. You tried, they know you tried-- leave it at that.

Check their facebook/twitter/blog/whatever

No, seriously-- do it. E-Stalk them a bit. Did they delete/block you? Is there someone else liking their pictures or status messages? Is there someone else posting cutesy things or ANYTHING on their page that may seem like you've been replaced? If so, there ya go. It isn't you-- it's someone else. They "won". It's cool. If you're in the dating scene, never assume that you are the only person this other person is macking on. Fo'real... don't be an idiot. Did you read my other blog entry about this? Okay, so now you know. They're just not talking to you because you aren't in their thought process. Again, not your fault. Whatever it is about you just didn't fit their life right now. It's alright. I mean, yeah, shit hurts... but what can you do about it? Call them and leave them an angry voicemail? Txt them about how upset you are and how lied to you feel? What will that solve? NOTHING. It will just make you look batshit crazy and when that other person fucks up... they won't be coming to you for some "I'm so sorry I blew you off" lovings. 

Just sayin'.

Is it around the holidays or anniversary of some kind?

Maybe that person just needs a minute alone. There are a couple weeks out of the year that I refuse to communicate with someone that isn't in my close circle of people. I'm either too busy or too emotionally unavailable and I don't see the point. I can't bring myself to communicate with someone that may not understand or someone I will have to explain my situation to. I don't want to. I refuse to. It just makes me annoyed at the prospect of seeing the sad eyes and the shallow "I'm sorry" about shit they have nothing to do with. I just need that time by myself. Some days I shut my phone off and ignore everyone. Some days I feel so flooded with bullshit and my own shit that I hide my phone from myself in my room and take a walk... or just leave... or just sit in my room with my music too loud and paint. It has nothing to do with whoever I'm not responding to at the time, and everything to do with me. Sometimes I just cut people from my life. Snip, Snip. Just like that. Nothing personal-- I just felt like I needed to downsize socially. Sometimes I accept those people back in at a later date-- sometimes I do not. I know I'm not the only person to do this, so I don't take it personally when I can tell that's what is happening to me. I always think, "Well, maybe at a different time in life," and call it a day.

Maybe they are just an asshole.

Some people are just assholes. They blow people off because it makes them happy inside. They like the chase and the attention. They like the panting, the tease... the "you could have this but I'ma only call you when I want some booty" kind of shit. It works for them and you enable it by allowing it to happen to you. One can only be toyed with but for so long. Don't be a dog, waiting for a treat. Just don't do it. You are better than that. That song Cooler Than Me always pops into my head when I find myself in this scenario. I give that song a couple days to surface in my head before I just back off and then they are the ones I'm blowing off. Honestly-- fuck'em. Well, not in the literal sense.... but you got me, right? No one is worth a game. As an adult-- that shit is so passe and ridiculous. I'm twenty fucking four years old. If I feel like I'm having high school angst over your ass-- don't be surprised if I don't give a shit if you blow me off or feed me some lines. Chances are I'm on to it and either

a) am being a fool for a moment

b) am using you back for something I want

As you can tell I am a little angry about that subject...

But yeah. I hope that helps some. For the most part I try my best not to ignore anyone without reason or at least tell them why I'm blowing them off. It's a respect thing. Chances are if I am blowing you off now it's for one of these reasons... but the last one. I try my best not to be a blatant asshole.

Try, I said try.

I'm not broken, I'm refurbished.

The title of this blog came to me today while I was reading at a nearby coffee shop. Instead of doing the grown-up important errands I really should have been doing I decided to walk around my neighborhood instead. I'm a little over a mile from UNCG and they have some really amazing places on the way there that I've never been in.

I stopped at Spring Garden Bakery & Coffee and got an ice latte. (At a very reasonable price) I had never been there before. It was very quaint and awesome. A few of the summer college students trickled in while I read my book and slowly sipped my delicious latte. A very loving couple came in from the backdoor and I couldn't help but look up because I felt the guy was hovering over me (My peripheral vision isn't that great since I wear glasses) Turns out he had just paused with his hand extended out for his girlfriend so she could take it. I felt myself blushing just by the sight of the cuteness that was going on. (Just because I'm a lesbian doesn't mean I can't appreciate affection between a man and a woman) She herself did a little "Awwww" noise as she took his hand. They took a seat next to me (if you have ever been there before it was the long bench seating with the small tables and chairs opposite of the bench) and sat on the same side to watch whatever was going on on the laptop they had with them. I wasn't exclusively paying attention to their conversation since I was reading but a little bit of it slipped in between page turns and it just made me very happy. They put me in such a good mood and they never even glanced my way. As I sat beside them I tweeted, "I'm not broken, I'm refurbished" because at that moment I knew that as a broken individual (which I have been many times before) I wouldn't be able to stomach the love and good vibes just dripping off the couple. I'm so glad they sat as close as they did because their good intentions and love creeped into my soul and gave it a big ole hug.

That is also the same reason why I can't stand to be around negative people, because the same thing happens to me... but the outcome isn't so positive or happy. I also seem to "feel" right past the bullshit because I can sense what you are actually saying rather than the words that are being said to me. Not saying it's 100% but it hasn't failed me yet. (Well, when I actually listen to what my feelings are telling me)

I then walked down to Jack's Corner for some Falafel. It was sooooo good. I sat by myself and continued to read, it was very packed but I was still buzzing from the coffee shop. I thought about my most recent romantic encounters on the walk home. When I think of my "happy place" most of the time I find myself gazing into past love's eyes. It's kind of sad to still find happiness in the eyes of another... but it's the last time I really felt completely whole. Not just because of her, but because of me. It felt so right and so spiritual to be the way I was with her to start out. Since then it's gone to shit, but that's not the point. Currently I'm struggling with the idea of how I am to find happiness. I find happiness through others, just as I did at the coffee shop. My goal now is to not get drunk by it and get lost in it. I need to be able to acknowledge it; embrace it, keep it and find the balance.

The realization of me needing someone to keep me 'grounded' did become very apparent as well. I'm usually attracted to those that aren't as crazy as I am. I need someone with a successful career and will be able to just sit around and watch movies with me on a Friday night... or convince me not to drink another one while we're out with friends. But with that said, I want someone who is willing to do stupid shit with me and deal with the consequences head on. Go to a concert with me to see a band they've never heard of (Or take me to a band I've never heard of) Talk about EVERYTHING and anything with me but still keep their own secrets theirs and allow me the same. I need someone willing to let the past be that and not pry into mine unless I offer it.

I know these are all "my perfect woman" ideals, but I'm still very much entitled to them and will use them as guides, not stipulations.

My biggest pet peeve is when I meet someone (usually a hetero-male) that has such ideas of who they want their wife or girlfriend to be and get angry when someone doesn't live to their specific criteria.

News Flash: Love comes from unexpected places, don't deny it because you're too focused and closed minded about what you BELIEVE it should be.

Love is love, nothing else.

If you deny someone the opportunity to love you just because s/he doesn't have the right college degree or "wrong" color hair... you don't deserve the opportunity to love. (Just saying)

But to leave on a positive note, I have linked the places I have mentioned as I have mentioned them. (scroll over their names and get with the clicking!) And I am also going to post a pre-dated blog about my birthday and the happenings that well, happened. I wrote them down the next day at work but haven't had the time to type them out yet.... so keep an eye out for that too.

Blessed Be,
SallyD

Hooray for Earth

Yet again, another tune, on repeat... for hours. I really love this song. I cannot for the life of me find the damned lyrics but I'm PRETTY sure it goes something like: "This time no love is what I need / but I want to, want to learn. / I want to want to learn" and that part reallyreallyreally jives with me. It's suck to me and got caught in my hair like a spider web. (In a far less annoying terrifying way) I have to listen to it twice every time it plays.

Okay, it's official... I have a love affair. With the rowing machine. I love it. I was on it for quite some time today. I can get all the aggressions out. I can feel it everywhere: legs, arms, abs.... Also, I feel it after I leave. I hate leaving the gym and not feeling SOMETHING! It makes it a waste otherwise.

Today at the gym I had a theme that I kept reminding myself of, that theme was:

Do something different.

I started out my normal slow start/hard finish 1 mile on the treadmill and I did the mile in 9mins. Impressive (for me) but not good enough. I miss my 6min 1 miles. I need to get that back. It means running at the 7-8ish mph thingy which you REALLY have to move your ass so you won't fall over or break something... but I'm warming up to it. Then I did some stretches and decided to do things differently. I walked around and attempted some new machines I've never even seen before... did the rowing machine, and then decided to ask the nice lady behind the counter for a basketball. No one was on the court so I thought it was safe to make a fool of myself.

I played a lot of basketball in my preteens... A LOT! After baseball (being too old to be accepted into the boy teams anymore, everyone wanted me to play softball) I needed to find something and basketball was it. Although I loathed playing with the girls. Girls (at that age) are so damn prissy and "Don't hurt me" and the boys would plow me over, help me up and then we'd just scamper off after the ball together. I played basketball with the boys during school hours in gym class (Even though the gym teacher thought I was just trying to flirt with the boys instead of get away from the girls whining) and the community basketball teams had a good diverse group and most of the girls in the team weren't prissy. Then I got too old for it and HAD to get into softball.

But anyway...

I played 15mins of bball today and it was great. I chased the ball and quickly remembered some stuff from "way back when" and it was great. I was kind of sad that there was no one in the gym after a couple minutes. Even though I wouldn't make a lot of points... it would be nice to "fight" for the ball. I love street ball. I kind of miss it. My cousin breathes, eats, loves, basketball. He's obsessed. If I ever was like, "Hey, meet me at the gym in five for a pick-up game" he'd be there, no questions. He didn't even care that I was such an easy win. Obviously I was no match for him in a game he worships.... but it was still fun. He'd even let me win sometimes. (to encourage me to keep playing, I think) My arms are so sore from just 15mins of solo shooting. I need to get back into a sport pronto. It'd give me something to look forward to.

The steam room was getting cleaned so it kind of messed my routine up but I did as many laps in the pool as my arms would allow (which wasn't much) and then I eased my way into the hot tub. I had this calming wave come over me and I smiled to myself. Today will be a good day. So far it's been great. I came home, sat on the front porch and ate while I read. My roommate got up and took me to get coffee. I got a raspberry iced tea and the lady gave me a 31oz cup "because we only have one left!" for the price of a venti. There was a cute chick on the patio that I got to look at for a little while when my roommate and I sat out there chatting before coming back home. It was nice.

Now I'm about to hop in the shower and attempt to be girly for work. Maybe do my hair... I'm not feeling the make up today though... I can't wait until I get rid of my stinkin' glasses. This month, hopefully, I can pay off my car... mostly. Then next month I can take a big chunk out of what I owe for rent and by November I should have everything paid off.... (Including my new computer) And then hopefully by Jan or Feb I should have my own place. Either a 1 bedroom or a roommate and I situation. Hopefully a 1 bedroom, I REALLYREALLY want to live by myself. I'm tired of having roommates.... in general. I'm better by myself. I may not even be in Greensboro by February... I have no idea.

Okay, work now.

Blessed Be,
SallyD