Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Relationship Advice

If there is any relationship advice I could give anyone (especially in the lesbian community) it would be this: When first meeting someone you potentially want to date always assume there is another girl or an exgf still in the picture.

Now, I know... that sounds really cynical right? Lower your expectations so they won't get destroyed anyway? Kind of.

I hate how heavy the terms "friend" and "roommate"/"old roommate" weigh in the lesbian world. Whenever the word friend is spoken instantly you thumb through the worries of it interpreting into "girl I'm fucking right now" or "girl I was fucking but we just fuck when we're drunk and lonely now."

Okay, so I do sound terribly cynical. But honestly, this is how it is.

I've learned the hard way that investing emotions in someone is like doing your own open heart surgery. 

I'm tired of drunken sex. I'm tired of being "the first girl".... I'm exhausted at the thought of being the filler between boyfriends... again. I'm starting to feel I should just tuck myself away as damaged goods and call it quits.

I remember telling you guys that I was giving up dating and woe is me...blahblahblah. I didn't exactly lie... I just kept saying it hoping some day I'd believe it... I didn't. I'm annoying myself with the wanting to be with someone. Annoying myself to the point of doing some really dumb shit (but really having fun while doing it) to distract myself. Working out is a chore now... a very painful chore that surfaces all the things I'm trying to bottle up. I can't run without crying... when I do crunches it just reminds me of the sex I'm not having with someone I love. The more I paint the more I see a blurred delusion of what I wish was happening not what actually is happening.

I'm losing myself, guys. I'm being the person I've always cringed at. I'm being the person so worried about finding a relationship I'm really ruining my chances in the process. I realize this. I know this. So why can't I stop it? Why can't I shut this flood gate of near-desperation? I'm constantly thinking, "Whoa... am I desperate? Am I to that point yet?" And the answer is no. I still have standards; I still have rules. I'm not blinded in my desires or creating things that aren't there. I'm very aware of how my emotions could get out of hand and I have them very bitchslapped into submission.

It's just not easy to be alone when you really don't want to be. It's not fun to be alone when that's all you feel all the time.... it's not fun being annoyed at the bored, loneliness and knowing how fucking needy it all sounds.

Needy. Needy is definitely where I'm at. I'm needy in the way that I want to be held, want to be wanted, want to do all those cutesy relationship things. I day dream about it. I am obsessing and it's making me weird. I don't like this feeling at all. When I don't like the way I'm feeling I reject whatever is making me feel that way. I grow hard and distance myself from it.... but "it" this time is me. ME! I'm driving me crazy... how can I distance myself from me?

So instead I write long drawn-out rambles about how needy and clearly sounding desperate... and then wonder why I sleep alone every night. I say too much, too soon. I know I need to separate myself from this. This ick... this obsession. I need to have patience. I need to cut the crazy out.

So yeah... I'm sorry for being ridiculous.

Blessed Be,

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