Friday, November 9, 2012

Stop it, Pregnant Brain! You're emabarrassing me.

Pregnant Log
Pregnant: 20wks] Tomorrow hits 20wks
Mood Swings: Tears not anger]
[Cravings: BBQ sauce, salad & greens in general]

I have so much to write about that I've talked myself out of writing every time I get a chance.

We have cable now.
We got married.
I can feel the baby move.
I went almost a whole week without showering. (By accident)
I miss my BFF.
I've decided I suck at my job.
We haven't bought ONE THING for the baby.
I cry about everything... especially things that "don't matter". (TV commercials especially.)
My dreams are not pleasant.
[[ I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving not surrounded by family. ]]

Just to list a few. My heartburn is out of control. October flew by... I mean... I blinked and the entire month was gone. Just gone. Poof. Vamu. I've played a lot of video games and we've watched A LOT of TV. I blame that. For as much time that I spend with Hubby I feel like we never see each other. It's not like we have friends we hang out without each other either. I keep waiting for that moment of reflection and the, "Omgwtfwheredidmylifego?!" but I have yet to have that settle in. I'm not sure if it ever will. I have had that pang of, "Without Hubby I would probably still be mooching off of my BFF and her family while trying to maintain the idea of martial bliss just isn't in the cards for me." as I go to bed wondering what Hubby is up to and scolding exes in my head for all the scandalous things I let them get away with.

My dreams have made me incredibly insecure... well, that and the fact that I've gained 15lbs. It doesn't help that I eat a bunch of junk food. Sometimes I just want to cry into cookie dough while watching Golden Girls on DVR. I haven't slowed down. I eat, I cook, I clean, I watch TV, I play Sims 3, I sleep, I eat, I clean, I watch TV-- and well, you get the picture.

I came home from work today and hopped in the shower and it felt like the first shower at home after two weeks in away camp. Seriously. That bad. I think the last time I took a shower was Monday? Maybe? Damn. I don't even have a kid to blame. Well.. not yet, anyway. Then I tried to recall my last week or so. What a big shiny blur that is. My back is killing me and I'm always starving.

That's all I can focus on: I'm fat, my back huuuurts and where is the food?

I keep telling myself just to go to the apartment gym and spend an hour on the stationary bike while I read a book and escape for a little while. I can't though-- I can't take a break from the world. Something isn't allowing me to. It took serious effort to slow down and just turn on music... I stared at the blank entry page for a good two hours before words started pouring out. I'm so distracted and pregnant brain. There is so much I want to do and get done and research... It's like I'm a 3 year old with serious ADHD during a light show. My BFF and sister said repeatedly, "Being pregnant makes me dumb." and I thought they were just making excuses.... BOY ARE THEY RIGHT!

I mean, I've never been the brightest light bulb but I'm no Paris Hilton. These days Paris Hilton looks brainy next to me. When I go into work and I get asked common questions about phones my brain just shuts off.

Wow, I suck at thoughts today.

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