Monday, August 29, 2011

After the storm

I've had too much coffee, too much sleep, and never enough food. I'm shaking, my heart feels like it's trying to escape via my throat and all I'm doing is dancing in place to keep everything in check.

Irene came and went quite peacefully in my part of North Carolina. The wind blew in circles and pissed the trees off that hang over my balcony. The night of the hurricane was quite amazing for me... I sat on my balcony for most of the night having very good conversation with very good company. Needless to say that while I was having the most amazing night of my life my family was being pummeled by mother nature as Irene tossed trees around like an angry toddler.

Cell phone service cut out. Power was lost. Even internet shut off. Trees falling around my parent's house, my grandmother's house and my sister's house. The wind blew sideways and the rain flew around like angry darts. "This has been the worst hurricane I've ever experienced" said my mother, who has never strayed too far from her mother's house about 2 miles down. I missed it. Thankfully, but regrettably as well. My grandmother banked on the idea of some undesirables spending time with her through the hurricane... of course they flaked. As trees lay inches away from the house, my uncle and cousin rescued her and brought her to my mother's house so she wouldn't have to spend the rest of the hurricane alone. Thankfully no one was hurt in this effort.

I've seen pictures of my favorite park in my hometown under more than 13ft of a swollen Neuse River and rain. Facebook feeds filled with "Evacuating west, pray for my family" and pictures of fallen trees over the road, squished cars and large bodies of water that aren't meant to be. Disaster, devastation... stories of people swimming to the post office begging for rides to safety...

I come from a town that thrives in hurricanes because it's the most excitement all year... but after Katrina something changed. I was actually dating someone during Katrina and they lived farther inlet than I. Their entire house was flooded, lifting the house off the of its foundation, floating a couple inches above the concrete structure... then slammed the house down, cracking both structures in half. It felt like I was walking through a movie scene. Soggy carpets, we tried for 3hrs to get to that house, so many flooded roads we couldn't get through... passing people on canoes, paddling away, on or in the road. Katrina was one of the worse storms I've experienced and my mother said Katrina was just childs play compared to Irene. Now, when a hurricane comes people evacuate like they're told, buy out Food Lion and get their radios ready.

My middle school and high school have been flooded. My middle school has been flooded before, 6ft during Katrina, I can only image how deep Irene took it swimming. I've had to stop looking for information on the angry left overs of Irene. It makes me cry. I see pictures of places I've frequented for most of my 24yrs totally under water, covered in trees or otherwise disrupted. The local Harris Teeters are giving away ice and water while their stores are closed. If you have twitter, visit the hastag #NCIrene for personal accounts, to-the-second updates, pictures and other things that have made me cry in the last 24hrs. There are also facebook groups you can be a part of for more information about how to get help or just to share your stories of survival.

What most people aren't realizing is how bad the bugs are. That's something the news doesn't really touch on. They talk about the clean up, they show these terrible pictures... but they don't show how nasty and thick the bugs are right now. My entire childhood neighborhood and surrounding areas are, quite literally, a temporary marshland right now. It's perfect for mosquitoes and other nasties. The CDC has a page of information about how you should go about protecting yourself after a natural disaster and what to notice with certain bites.

Don't be afraid to ask for help... everyone needs it right now. Also, don't be afraid TO help. Being there for each other is what community is all about.

Please click the links, I hope they prove to be helpful in some way!


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

At Square One

This is me... giving up. For real this time. I'm putting it into words so that maybe I can feel I have taken part in pushing those away that have left. Did I push them away? No, I pulled too hard. I've been pulling when I should've been pushing. (We'll just pretend that sentence isn't as awkward as it really is)

I'm through with the sadness, I'm through with the yearning. I will be me and you will be you. I will wade through my muck and look for my shine, the shine that could get me noticed. The shine that broadens those lips into a smile... the shine that I had a hold of but recent events have hidden it from me, once again.

Here I am, at square one... blinking away tears and turning away from love. It's easier this way, it's safer. My heart can't take much more. I'm putting it through hell and truly making myself look terrible at every turn.

I'm over it, I'm done. I would like to say you won. It's a game that we play with each other, a fishing game in a sense. I toss my bait out just to reel it in to discover I have caught nothing but an old boot.... while those around me are catching the most beautiful, beautiful beings... and even a few extra when they already have a stack in their boat. I'm putting away my rod and reel... I'm hiding it from myself once more.

"Don't give up on love!" they plead. The irony of the source... I give a smug smile and say, "But it's just not my turn." I'm not giving up on love, per se... I'm just not trying anymore. Obviously, I'm doing it wrong. When I do things wrong I like to correct them or stop doing whatever it was to begin with... I tried fixing it and yeah, to no avail... so here I am... giving up. This is my moan and groan and sadness that is leaking out. To expose myself.

I always expose myself.... from the heartbeat out. I spill my dreams, my woes, my bruised heart... It's too much. Too much. I don't need pity, don't want it either. I will just let my heart beat on the outside with solitary drumming once more. This is my blood spilled onto canvas. This is my tears on pages.

This is my resignation from the chase.

Monday, August 22, 2011

I dream the craziest things....

I blocked out her last name and picture just because... well... I did. Didn't know if she wanted to be outted via my blog. I will try my best to maybe translate the dream into what I think it might of meant...

Everything I've read about dreaming of being inside a church has something to do with needing guidance and looking for someone to help with such. Also, being inside a church represents the need to find someone to help transition into a happier place. (Kati, you can take that any way you like. heh) Furthermore, since a church is a moral place it is possibly to have the feeling of straying from an original path due to moral wrongs or deception that has taken place.

I couldn't seem to find "rude" in any dictionary and I decided I would focus on how I felt in the dream in response to the rudeness. Anger is what Kati represented in the dream, so I did look that up. It just said that by having anger in the dream it was an anger that has been repressed in the waking hours. Every time Kati was rude to me in the dream I could feel the swell of shame and sadness in my heart. Shame signifies guilt during the waking hours, as well as having minimal integrity and how it is actively damaging the way people see me. Being sad in the dream expresses the fact that if I am ever again to feel true bliss, I am to discontinue all negative thoughts. (All very on point)

What I didn't tell Kati was that I viewed her as an ex-lover [in the dream]... but I never felt in the dream that we had actually been in love or even had sex prior. (I know for a fact that we have not done either of those things in the waking hours... That, I would remember.) I also read what it means to dream of an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend and came up with nothing that really fit... So I looked up Crush (as in, "to have a crush") and apparently, I am either repressing my crush that I have on Kati or she is just embodying someone I do have a crush on and I either can't accept it (or acknowledged it) and I need to let her know about it... or the crush she may be forcing me to acknowledge. The fact that Kati snubs me in the dream resembles me dealing with that in my waking hours, I'm mentally preparing myself to get let down... again... by someone I have a crush on. (That, my friends, is eerily on point) It also touches on my constant insecurities of a crush not liking me back and the reality of how it will make me feel once the fear is confirmed.

The only thing I could find about a mattress is that it represents a stage of life. Bed comes up with a big more in-depth stirring of ideas. To dream of my own bed is security and the need to settle down. Also, a bed represents my need for domestic bliss. (Also, on point) The fact that it's a single mattress and in the dream they were separate leads me to interpret that as I am keeping a balance of who I allow in my bed, but the fact that we're still in the same room, a rather large bedroom if you want to think about it, touches on my sexual desires. Since we just had a small mattress on the floor the term Pallet symbolizes an estranged relationship and parting between lovers. Kati and I aren't close at all... so maybe that's the estranged relationship?

The boxes of artwork represents the collections of aspirations, ideas and past reflections that I'm trying to contain onto canvas and keep organized. It's something I'm willing to explore but only at my own pace. The fact that it was the only thing else in the room as to hold some semblance to keep true to myself and my self-expression while I pursue another.

I'm glad Kati has been such a good sport about this and I hope I truly didn't weird her out too much.... especially since we aren't all that close to begin with.


The Silence

I gave you poetry in theory earlier... and now I'm giving you actual poetry. Now, I haven't written a poem in quite some time since high school... but a few months ago I produced this. I was at work and something in me made me write this down. I only shared it with two other people and now it's your turn. I thought I had trashed it but it was neatly tucked in between some World of Warcraft boxes... go figure? It doesn't actually have a title as I didn't expect to have enough balls to share it with you guys. Tell me what you think... or don't.


The silence is ever creeping
Creeping in the ever ending
The realm of no prevail
A square world amongst round
Round ideas, round aspirations
Dancing is all that's left in the mind of an artist
The eye of the creator is prismatic
Dreams one with wonder
And two with pain
The silence is ever creeping
Creeping in the ever ending


So there ya go... you've now experienced something I would've otherwise kept hidden. Does that mean I'm growing as an artist? Well, I'd like to think that... so I will.


ps- I paired the poem with a picture I took of Fort Macon a long while ago.... although they weren't really were inspired by each other.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Owie, my muscles hurt.

I went to the gym today for the first time in weeks. It was like reconnecting with an old friend. I tried to do as much as possible that I don't do at home. My arms ache and my butt muscles aren't so happy... but I feel delightful. I've been such a complaint-filled bitch lately and I hate myself for it. I mean, really, there are better words spent via txt. So, I'm sorry. Bitching and moaning should be for this blog, and this blog only.

I went to Earth Fare today and got some yummy Broccoli and Cranberry salad. It was the best dessert ever to go with my Mediterranean sampler thingy that was sooo big I couldn't finish. I'm on a humus kick. I wanna eat it all up. Ooo, yum. Falafal always helps too. Now I'm so stuffed I can barely move.

Monday is my only day off... at least it's in the middle of my work week, I guess? Silver lining, anyone? I will probably stay at home and catch up on all my TV Shows... I have too many of them and I feel like it's consuming my life. My last few days off have been spent getting really, really drunk and I need to take a break on that. I mean, it's all good and stuff because it's with this really amazing friend of mine.... but I need to chill out on that shit. It's ridiculous. 

Oooo! Ooo! Ooo! I have, in my possession, train tickets to Chicago, IL. Hooray! It will also be my first time on a train. I can't wait. I leave the 5th of October and don't get back to NC until 1am on October 11th. I better get that time off of work because well, I'm going either way. I have given them plenty of notice. I just hope to keep my job until then. They are driving me batshit crazy. But either way... tickets are bought, I'm going. I'm uber fantastically happy about it. My friend Sarah lives out there and she is always a good time. I also have the possibility of something else mighty great while I'm there... but we will see if I don't fuck it up before it even gets off the ground. I fear I may have already planted the seed of failure. I can't keep a fucking daisy alive but I can plant some discomfort like a motherfucker. (Go Figure)

Well, anyway... this is a quick blog because I need to shower before work and my time is running thin. I just wanted to tell you a few exciting things that are happening in my life. Also, this is my first month not making a car payment! I feel like I have so much money I don't know what to do with it.... but I still can't manage to pay ALL of my bills this month... O well, those tickets to Chicago are more important than Bank of America. (Bank of America can suck my dick)

Maybe I will write something pretty later, who knows? I'm taking a notebook to work tonight... if they tell me I can't write while on the clock I may lose my shit.


Sunday, August 14, 2011


There is a time in everyone's life when you start to recognize your obsessions and act accordingly to rid them or embrace them.... depending on what your obessesions are.

Mine are as follows and are in no particular order. (I like making lists, maybe making lists should be in the list? Would that be too trivial?):
-Pretty girls(as a friend or otherwise)
-Live music
-TV shows
-Video Games
-Smelling pretty flowers
-Working Out
-Jillian Michaels
-Clif Bars
-My iPod
-Compulsively re-reading anything I've written
-Re-reading txts that I've sent because I want to make sure I didn't say anything "wrong" or "too much"
-Good Smells
-Fresh Laundry
-Clean Sheets
-Adult Conversation
-Feeling Loved

That's it for now, kids...

Friday, August 12, 2011

Getting past the nasty.

I had a glorious day yesterday. I hung out with so many pretty ladies. I got cooked a very great meal and hung out with a very awesome tweenster. I was shown that there is more to life than my loneliness. I can and will overcome.

As I was falling asleep on my friends couch last night (she lives a bit away from me and we had drank quite a bit) I was thinking about how much I love couches when I am single. I hate sleeping on a mattress when I'm alone. I guess it makes sense that one of my favorite Death Cab for Cutie songs is Your New Twin Sized Bed.

I love sleeping on things like couches when I am single. It allows me to have peaceful sleep. You can't [comfortably] sleep two people on a couch and I find solace in it. I had some amazing sleep on the couch. It felt more like home than ever before. I had found home, friends. These friends of mine.... O, how divine! (hehe, I'm so cheesy)

I had such great conversation and my heart was plump with love as I dozed off. I woke up late morning and watched some TV before heading out around noon-ish. I came home to my destroyed, bachlorette-pad of a bedroom. My mattress is even all fucked up because I got mad and threw it around kind of... and my clothes are just piled up on things... it's depressing to be in my room, okay? So I got my shit together and walked to my new favorite deli and ate a delicious veggie sammich. I talked to the waitress who almost knows my name at this point and walked my happy ass home... while I was at the deli I got an invite [via txt] to a house party tomorrow by my favorite local artist. We flirted. Yes... WE! Hah. It's awesome. Someone flirted with me. Someone flirted with me that I've been secretly crushing on for awhile. So now I'm all giddy and yeahyeah... being weird.

I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up. I'm just excited at the prospect of flirting, really. I flirt all the time, openly, but it's always in good fun with a twinge of hope but not like...  getting butterflies kind of way.... most of the time. lol This girl induces full-on butterflies. The kind that make me take deep breaths to help me realize I'm not dead or dreaming. I get crushes on girls that I feel I have no chance with but like to ponder about.... and only on the girls I could MAYBE one day, possibly, if the stars aligned get together. This girl is one of them. I have had 4 total crushes [ever] and 2 currently... she is one of them. Yes, that's how serious it is. I'm going to freak her out, scare her and I'm afraid she won't even be my friend anymore... but dammit, I'ma go out in a ball of fire.

Blessed Be,

ps - I'm not going to tell you who the other one is. muahahahahah!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Relationship Advice

If there is any relationship advice I could give anyone (especially in the lesbian community) it would be this: When first meeting someone you potentially want to date always assume there is another girl or an exgf still in the picture.

Now, I know... that sounds really cynical right? Lower your expectations so they won't get destroyed anyway? Kind of.

I hate how heavy the terms "friend" and "roommate"/"old roommate" weigh in the lesbian world. Whenever the word friend is spoken instantly you thumb through the worries of it interpreting into "girl I'm fucking right now" or "girl I was fucking but we just fuck when we're drunk and lonely now."

Okay, so I do sound terribly cynical. But honestly, this is how it is.

I've learned the hard way that investing emotions in someone is like doing your own open heart surgery. 

I'm tired of drunken sex. I'm tired of being "the first girl".... I'm exhausted at the thought of being the filler between boyfriends... again. I'm starting to feel I should just tuck myself away as damaged goods and call it quits.

I remember telling you guys that I was giving up dating and woe is me...blahblahblah. I didn't exactly lie... I just kept saying it hoping some day I'd believe it... I didn't. I'm annoying myself with the wanting to be with someone. Annoying myself to the point of doing some really dumb shit (but really having fun while doing it) to distract myself. Working out is a chore now... a very painful chore that surfaces all the things I'm trying to bottle up. I can't run without crying... when I do crunches it just reminds me of the sex I'm not having with someone I love. The more I paint the more I see a blurred delusion of what I wish was happening not what actually is happening.

I'm losing myself, guys. I'm being the person I've always cringed at. I'm being the person so worried about finding a relationship I'm really ruining my chances in the process. I realize this. I know this. So why can't I stop it? Why can't I shut this flood gate of near-desperation? I'm constantly thinking, "Whoa... am I desperate? Am I to that point yet?" And the answer is no. I still have standards; I still have rules. I'm not blinded in my desires or creating things that aren't there. I'm very aware of how my emotions could get out of hand and I have them very bitchslapped into submission.

It's just not easy to be alone when you really don't want to be. It's not fun to be alone when that's all you feel all the time.... it's not fun being annoyed at the bored, loneliness and knowing how fucking needy it all sounds.

Needy. Needy is definitely where I'm at. I'm needy in the way that I want to be held, want to be wanted, want to do all those cutesy relationship things. I day dream about it. I am obsessing and it's making me weird. I don't like this feeling at all. When I don't like the way I'm feeling I reject whatever is making me feel that way. I grow hard and distance myself from it.... but "it" this time is me. ME! I'm driving me crazy... how can I distance myself from me?

So instead I write long drawn-out rambles about how needy and clearly sounding desperate... and then wonder why I sleep alone every night. I say too much, too soon. I know I need to separate myself from this. This ick... this obsession. I need to have patience. I need to cut the crazy out.

So yeah... I'm sorry for being ridiculous.

Blessed Be,

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Ramblings on a Sunday Afternoon

I'm an emotional wreck. I'm a slow moving train colliding into a large brick wall.

I know it. I feel it. I am controlling the speed of the dismal sinking into oblivion. My mind is so fucked up, there is nothing but a dark heavy cloud hanging over my head. My eyes blur as I examine the false silver lining. The sun is there, but why must it hide it's self? If the pain is there, why am I not allowing it to flood over me and let it drown me?

I think so loud when it's quiet it's deafening. Sometimes I quite literally hear the whoosh of entering back into reality and I quickly wonder how long I had been in the astral plain of self-discovery. I look around and wonder if everyone else noticed my vacant stare and hoped no one noticed or spoke to me. I wasn't there, but when am I ever?

I read my thoughts and think: this isn't me.

I'm not a depressed person. It feels like the cloak of darkness is something physical that I can push away and fight. I can converse into a compromise. How can I be crazy when I can feel the chemicals change in my brain? I know the sadness is coming so I wince waiting for the impact. It comes; I pretend it's just a yapping angry, ankle biting puppy. I kick the pain, it skids across the ground in pain and I keep going. I keep going because there is nothing else.

I refuse to let the anxiety of my ancestors take over. I am so aware of myself it's unbearable. Is there a such thing of being too self-aware? What's the point in knowing how I feel and knowing I can take handle over it... if there is nothing else to do with it? I write, but the words are fleeting. They slip from my mindscape onto electronic or tree-raised paper... and then the ink fades and dissolves into nothing. People read it and in the same way that I'm proud I'm also paranoid. This blog is filled with my inner most turmoil, expelling the happiness I do quite often feel.

Just because I document my sadness does not mean that happiness doesn't also dwell within me. I am a very happy person... but to document it is to abandon it. I abandon my sadness by writing it down and removing it from my though process. By putting my sadness into something solid I'm vanquishing it and removing it from my being. It's a process that works for me and I embrace it. Don't be confused by my teenage-like angst and my embellished pain... this blog is only but a small percentage of who I am. My bad spelling and poorly placed commas are just one of my many flaws I am working on.

I just hope for poetic justice and Shakespearean love... sans the death and despair.

I approach every day like a challenge and end it in a lumbering stride. My romantic disposition is only temporary and it only feeds my creative instincts to keep discovering new beauties in things I would've otherwise neglected. Hope is not what I have left, but is my partner in everything I do. Being comfortable with myself was my main accomplishment in this last year and now that I have that, it's time for the next challenge... sharing myself with someone special.


Monday, August 1, 2011

Things I "need"

I have a list of things I need and it's growing.

-iPod (Mine is from '06 and I'm begging it to stay alive)
-Sunscreen (Running outside is making me too exposed to nature)
-New Sports Bra (I've had just one since my freshman year of highschool)
-New Gym clothes (Omg, I'm doing laundry every 3 days because I'm out of gym clothes... it's driving me insane)
-Black acrylic paint
-A large box of assorted Clif Bars
-A big box of Emergen-C
-New Glasses

I'm sure there is more. *sigh* I can't wait until I can afford any of that... and of course none of that is in any particular order. I'm getting contacts not this pay check coming up, but the next one. Fuck glasses. I'm so tired of wearing glasses.... although I do need new ones, contacts are coming first and I don't see myself affording new specticals until much later. Then, I will get a new iPod and hopefully that other stuff will be mixed in somewhere in the middle. I've been meaning to go to Michael's for some time now. I'm over due.

I just felt like telling you all of this... for really no reason at all. Donations? lol I will accept cash only, pls. ;)