Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Winter Solstice

I keep starting a blog about what
Winter Solstice is and how to practice it and how to welcome in the shortest day of the year. Today is Winter Solstice and I'm sad to say I didn't even realize it until I started poking around the websites to see how to word things. I'm rather embarrassed by it but not at all surprised.

I'm at my wits end. I very seriously have to do something progressive with my life in the next few months or I very well might as well die. Most days I feel like I'm on a treadmill trying my best to catch up with those who aren't on an automated merry-go-round. I'm still not
100% on what I want to do with my life currently (or in the future) but I do know that my present is nothing that I want it to be. Well, "nothing" being a loose term here. I am very happy with certain things in my life right now.... but when I say "nothing" I'm mainly referring to my professional not my personal life.

I was at a bar the other night with some friends when a rather intoxicated woman came up to me. I say woman because I really hate to refer to her as a cross dresser and all those negative stigmas associated with that term be the welcome tone to her. Let's just say she is a very well dressed man in a dress. She frequents the only bar I go to in town. I've spoken to her in passing a dozen times easily, but never had a conversation. Well,
Sunday night was the night for that. She took a seat next to me and after brief small talk she goes, "You seem mighty intelligent but yet so sad. What's bothering you, sweetie?" and I just gushed to her about all of my professional woes.

I firmly believe in everything happening for a reason. (Just to make sure that's been stated) I didn't even want to go out that night because I'm so broke. My roommate (whom I had accompanied) purchased my drinks and was the only reason I agreed to go.

Well, this complete stranger, who had an excellent make up job, basically gave me the best pep talk I've ever had. She made me feel confident that I can (
and will) do something with my life. That I have what it takes and I am WASTING my time at my current job. That my brain could be used else where. Ever since all I've been thinking about is furthering my education and doing something worth while. I hit a rut and I'm now crawling out, eyes all crazy and ready to consume the world.

If I can make it through the holidays I am going to enroll in school if it takes me going to the bank and begging for money. I am going to attempt to get certified as an
EMS, so I can work my way to paramedic... and who knows... maybe I'll save your life.

Now what does all this do with
Winter Solstice, the wiccan celebration of light and rebirth of the sun?

Well, my translation of the
Winter Solstice celebration is without slumber, there is no awakening... without dark there is no light... without death there is no aspiration of living.

With this
Winter Solstice I will celebrate by letting my old self die in the darkness of this very dark day and let my new future shine in the new sun that is to come in the following months.

Blessed Be,

Friday, December 17, 2010

Laptop Magic

Those who don't believe in magic need to just breath in their last breath of oxygen and call it a day. (just saying) After almost over a year of non use of my laptop (because it got a really nasty virus and shut down and reverted back to DOS mode) has magically decided to work again... with everything in it's place. Music all there, files all there, EVERYTHING! I'm rather pleased... and that also means I get to bitch and moan to you guys some more. :) I am all moved to my big new town and have moved out of a very destructive place and now am in a shiny new home but with no internet or tv (which is rather kind of liberating) but now that my laptop has decided to work I can post remotely from various wifi locations around Greensboro. (Yay! I can be the pompous asshole in a Starbucks typetypetyping away acting all Joe cool and shit!) And I'm also afraid that I've used my BB so much for just about everything I find myself holding down letters on the keyboard expecting them to become capitol letters. Which is highly frustrating, btw. I've been thinking about blogging for weeks now because I am just so overcome with shit in my head and I have no real cash to do anything about it. (No money for paints... it's all going to that freaking Santa holiday and gas to get home to see my blood relations) But yeah... I just thought I'd stop in and see if anyone still reads this and have checked up on it and such... and for those that have... I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK!!! :) I hope to fill your brains with my worthless babble at any time possible and I wish you guys a great Winter Solstice and may all your wintery nights be filled with magic and have all your magic filled with warm fuzzies!!! BlessedBe, SallyD

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Pictures on Facebook

Okay... seriously. Don't wake me up at 8am bitching about the pictures I posted of you last night.

Especially when they aren't bad or doing bad things. Don't use the, "But I have family on facebook" excuse because I do too.

And if you added people you work with to your Facebook... well... that's your bad.

After being begged to post pictures, the last thing I thought was expecting was to be bitched out because I POSTED THEM! Seriously. It's no big deal! I never thought pictures of us drinking and having a great time was so terrible. With all that said... I realize there are some things that are just tacky and should not be posted, or tagged, or ever uploaded to the internet period. First of all, DON'T post pictures of your toddler sipping a beer. It's tacking, stupid and will probably get you in some legal trouble. I know, I know... we all have those stashed away in a parent's photo album of when WE were 2yrs old and "The bottle is empty, it was just a cute picture" is our parent's explanation... riiiiiiight, mom and dad. Sure, thing. Uh-huh.

But no, really. Don't do that.
(And if you insist... it doesn't have to hit the internet... just saying)

Also, I DON'T think it's wise to post pictures of you doing illegal drugs.... or any drugs period. Make sure that all paraphernalia and acts of partaking are out of the shot. This includes drugs just carelessly lying around that could get in the picture. (Just ask Lindsay Lohan how smart that is) Also, it's super tacky and again... may get you in legal trouble and PROBABLY will get you fired or not hired at all. They have people now that poke around Facebook and Myspace just for this reason. It's better than a drug test... and I'm sure they don't care if it was taken in highschool.
DON'T post pictures of you out somewhere getting completely smashed. Like... a random part of the woods and you are so absolutely drunk you don't remember that picture being taken. Most likely, it's a billboard saying, "I DROVE HOME DRUNK!" and yeah... not smart. Also, don't post pictures of you and someone underage drinking. Again, with the legal trouble. My sister's old neighbor got into trouble because she thought it was wise to get her thirteen year old drunk AND all of her child's friends. Needless to say someone had a camera and a Myspace account... guess who got into MAJOR trouble with the law? That's right... not the one with the camera, but the one who OBVIOUSLY bought the booze.

post pictures of you and someone else doing something pornographic. It's just... not okay. You may be super sexy and so is your mate... but no one really cares to see that shit. (And those that do, there are OTHER websites for that... MANY MANY other websites.) That also goes with child pornography and anything related to it... naked pictures... pictures of you just in a bra... pictures of your girlfriend just in a bra... people on the toilet (This one kills me... EW!) And usually, any picture of your child in less than a bathing suit can and will be removed by Facebook officials. They can also report you if they think it's wrong. That doesn't mean it ACTUALLY is, but if that individual decides that the nudie of your son or daughter in the tub showing all their miniature goodies is rude... you will get a knock on your door, have your account flagged and removed... etc.

Now, with all that said, there is still TONS that you can do that isn't horrible and I'm sorry... but your family knows you drink, they know you dance, and I would hope that they would like the idea of you having a good time. Especially if it's a special occasion of some kind.

So basically... if I post a picture of you... I WILL tag you. Your job from that point is to untag yourself. But no, I won't delete your pictures. Because I don't post anything of the previously stated and if anyone judges you for that one picture they found on my Facebook (which I doubt because all of my pictures are friends only not friends of friends but FRIENDS ONLY and all of my friends are def not all of your friends) then they shouldn't be in your life anyway... and your family, our non-mutual friends, and coworkers cannot witness them. They are safe under the privacy act. By untaggging yourself it's like they never happened in your world... but they will always be in my world.

Blessed Be,

Thursday, September 2, 2010

New Tattoo! Inspired by MUSIC! :)

This is a lyric from this song:

and the Diamond is from Marina and the Diamonds. Instead of putting her name or ...whatever, I thought it'd be cooler to put a diamond because she has it in a lot of her shit... because... it's part of her artist title. lol

I was just testing out that area to see if I would like it. Apparently it will need to be cleaned up by a tattoo guy and placed properly, but roughly that's what I want and where I want it. (yes, I want to use my handwriting as the font)

I'm uber excited about getting it and I hope to get it priced sometime this week so I know how much I need to save up for it. :D

UPDATE: here is is. :)

Blessed Be,

A chat! A Chat!

In my search for a Wicca chat room, I found none... and a few years ago I use to wake up and chat with a lot of my fellow wiccans online as I woke up for the day. I really missed it, a lot. So I created a web chat! Hopefully people will start to use it... You are welcome to post it to your wiccan forums and such!


Obviously, st stands for Small Town. :)

I also added it to this page, so you can chat directly from here if you like!

Blessed Be,

Monday, August 30, 2010

I'm tempted to do it...

I'm actually contemplating putting myself on craigslist... is that sad? I think so...

I mean... really? Should I?

I have made one really good friend here other than my housemate... but my new friend is a truck driver... (Ha, I know... how random, right?) and is gone for the next couple weeks. It also doesn't help that I'm broke as shit right now... grr.

But I get my first paycheck on Friday, so I hope to do something or at least afford dinner (maybe a movie?) with someone.

I'm just... augh. Emo right now I guess. My roommate and even my new friend are all, "Find a girlfriend! Do it! Do it NOW!" and I'm just... not into that. I mean... having a girlfriend in town would be nice... but I'm not really emotional available right now and I don't know this city AT ALL! I would much rather have a good friend than a girlfriend right now. Well, a couple good friends... preferably a friend with a car and a knowledge of the city.

Aughhh... CraigsList just creeps me out. I mean... I'm a vain bitch and I'm ultra leery about people I meet online. Just because I'm not fucking nuts doesn't mean they aren't.. and girls are crazy as hell. I'm NOT trying to fear for my life my first month here. lol

And being a lesbian trying to make friends with girls is just as difficult as it sounds. As I stated before, girls are CRAZY AS HELL! So... I try to be just friends with a girl and they're all, "Don't you find me attractive?" and "Why wouldn't you want to be with me?" or THEY never intended on just being a friend to begin with. So therefore I find myself making really good friends with dudes. It's kind of hard to believe... but dudes usually accept and move on that you don't want to sleep with them better than females.

Let's face it ladies... we're needy, vain and a tad narcissistic. We all want to be loved, cared for... and attained or wanted, at the very very least. So... I end up just being another dude friend that eventually they expect to at least make ONE move on them... and when I don't... yeah... some girls aren't okay with that.

But even with that said... I've had healthy, strictly friend relationships with females too. It is possible and I'm good at having friends... just... augh.

I'm being paranoid.


Monday, August 23, 2010

A Story. (Just for fun... what the hell..)

I saw her pull out of the drive way and with a long exhale I knew deep inside it would be for the last time. I braced myself on the door frame and sucked in my exhale as painfully as it had came out. With a firm gulp I soon realized my grip on the wood was the only thing keeping me vertical. I closed my eyes and all I could see was her face. Her deep blue eyes and the echo of my pain as it bounced off of her flawless face.

Yes, she knew she had the power against me. She knew it... otherwise it wouldn't have been like this to begin with. If I had just... just... Fuck, what did it matter anyway? She was gone, my legs were jello and I had to teach myself how to breath on my own again.

Inhale, exhale. Got that, Elle? Inhale, exhale. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and instantly I needed to puke. I ran to the bathroom and flung myself at the toilet. I hung my head over and stared at my reflection in the shallow water in the bottom of the bowl. My eyes sagged and I looked like I hadn't showered in weeks. Of course, she saw me like this... no wonder she left like she did. Just as quick as the urge came over me, it had passed. I couldn't even puke right. Frustrated I propped myself up using the tub edge and wiggled my fingers around my jeans pocket to rescue my ever vibrating phone from my pocket. With a deep inhale I flipped open the phone to reveal one missed text message.

You can do this, Elle, you can do this... just open it. It's probably a spam forward or something, it's not from her... just do it.

I held my breath without realizing it and opened the message. O, it was from her alright. I was puking successfully now. My body heaved and stuttered. I gasped for air in between the heaves and kind of enjoyed hearing the splashing of water around my face. My eyes were pushed closed and I could feel the tears crawling down my face like hot lava. My knuckles were turning white as a grasp for dear life around the toilet seat that I had propped open over my head. Every time I heard my phone vibrate at my knees another heave would come, then another, then another. Just when I thought I was finished I heard the rumble from my phone and my stomach would lunge.

I woke up the next day on the floor of the bathroom clutching my turned off phone. My lips were dry and cracked. What time did I even enter the bathroom? What day is it? Did I sleep through something important?


I jumped to my feet and promptly fell back down as my knees went weak. I heard the loud crack of my skull against the toilet... or at least I thought I did.

"Elle... Wake up... Elle... Fuck..." The mumble of a voice crept in my dark, dark place. I liked it there: it was nice and cool. In the dark place I had found solace and it didn't even bother me about... what was her name again? "Elle!" No... that wasn't it, that's my name. A cold rush of air forced its way around my face. No, that wasn't air... it was water.

I sputtered and coughed, my eyes began to blink and I focused on the person hovering over me. I closed my eyes again.

"Open your fucking eyes!" The voice was angry. Very angry.

I opened just one eye. "Please tell me this is a dream." I croaked out.

"No, it's not. Are you okay?" She asked... she asked if I was okay.

"Umm... do I look okay?" Bad question... bad, bad, terrible, no good, question.

"You look like shit and you're bleeding. What the fuck happened?" She sat back against the tub as I did earlier... yesterday? Earlier today? I had no sense of time.

"What time is it?" I managed to ask her. It seemed so surreal. Why is she here? Did I dream all that other stuff? Is this reality and that other stuff some strange dream... or is this the dream and all that other stuff is reality?

She promptly looked at her watch and answered without looking up, "It's midnight."

"What day is it?" I reached up and felt the blood on the back of my head. Fuck, that hurt.

"It's Tuesday." Her expression growing more and more concerned.

"Oh..." It had only been about twenty hours since she had left... I guess I wasn't dead and I didn't bleed out like I had hoped.

"Look, I'm sorry for what I did." Was all she had to say.

Did? Did seemed like such a small adjective for what she did.

"Gabby... no... stop... don't." Suddenly I needed to heave again, I fought the urge this time. She must have noticed me wince because she reached out and pushed hair out of my face and gently touched the side of my face. Inhale, Elle, exhale. Inhale, exhale.

"I'm sorry, because I freaked out because... I feel the same way." Gabby slowly scooted closer to me. My eyes widened and I just stared at her. "I just didn't know... you know... that... uhh..."

"I like girls." I spat out almost disgusted with the words. If I had a dime for every time I had to begrudgingly say that phrase I would be a dime-ionaire by now. You'd think that the short hair and mens cologne I wear would give the hint. But no, it never quite did it... I would always have to say that fucking phrase.

"Yeah." Gabby said meekly as she pulled her tennis shoe covered feet closer to her body.

I sighed and rubbed my face with my hands and began to sat up; instantly I felt the throbbing behind my ears. We sat in silence for a few moments and then my stomach made a very obnoxious growling noise. We both giggled. I would have never guessed that at twenty-four years of age I would be sitting in the bathroom with a girl three years my junior, giggling at my stomach noises. I felt like I was in high school again feeling very guilty for being allowed into the women"s locker room. Okay, Elle, pull up those adult britches and get yourself out of this mess.

"So.. uhh... Gabby, my stomach here insists on some neutrally gathered food. Could you, in a neutral way, come get some food with me?" I tried not to sound pushy or too hopeful. Gabby's facial expression was absolutely the hardest to read. I had known Gabby for the better of a year, she had never dated anyone that I known of. She had also attended every social function I had been to in that year. I was new to the town and didn't know too many people. We had talked some outside of the social gatherings. Only once did we hang out, just the two of us, in that last year. I felt that we had connected. She flirted with me; of course I flirted back. I loved her, whole heartedly, since the third time we were in the same room. I had no idea how she managed to not notice how obviously gay I am. I waited for her response and held my breath. Gabby leaned over and kissed my cheek. Instantly my face felt warm and my ears were most definitely on fire. Her body curled into mine and she wrapped her arms around the small of my back. I could smell her scent: lavender and honey. My body ached for so many reasons but I didn't budge. I let her hold me and I held her back.

"I've been waiting for you to tell me you liked me for so long... I had started to believe you were leading me on and that's why I reacted the way I did."

As she spoke I could see Gabby, twenty hours ago, crying as I confessed my deep like for her. I knew better than to say I love her. I told her all the little things I had done for her in the last year was so she would know without me saying it out right. As Gabby left that previous day she called me a Dyke. Yes, that word. That dirty word that most everyone grits their teeth at... straight and gay alike. Her wording was something like, "I knew you were a dyke" or "Just like a dyke" It was something not so cruel but a jab none-the-less.... promptly before she slammed the door in my face and backed out of my driveway.

"Why did you say the D word?" I asked, now that anger was replacing my broken spirit. My body tensed and she pulled back so she could look me in the eye.

"The what?" She seemed puzzled.

"You said you knew I was a dyke and slammed the door." I tried to hide the hurt in my voice.

"I said, 'It's about time you told me you were a dyke.'" Gabby pursed her lips together, looking slightly peeved. I loved that look. It made me want to kiss her and she was so close to my lips. Instinctively my face tilted towards hers. "That's all I said," she managed to whisper right as our lips touched. Electricity pulsed through me and I could taste the urgency in her lips. I cupped my hands around her face and pulled her closer to me. I suddenly remembered I must taste like rotten eggs, but she didn't pull back or seem hesitant at all. I prayed my breath wasn't horrible as she began to pull me closer. My stomach let out a very loud grumble as my muscles began to relax into hers. She giggled, our lips still intertwined. Gabby pulled back just enough to comfortably look me in the eye and wiped a tear from my face. "Let's go feed the grumbly lady."

I smiled at her and hoped... just hoped.

(I like to write short stories... and felt like writing one... no one is true and this is all fake... so yeah... hope you enjoyed... if not... ignore this. :))

Long time no blog! (WWW: Coven)

I fail... I know, I know...

Well... I'm no longer in a small town!

AND I'm trying out being a Vegetarian! Yeah... imagine that... a twig eating Wiccan... hah! (How original, right?)

I guess a ton has happened since the last post...

For one, I am now living almost 4hrs away from my home town in a much larger city with tons and tons and tons of people I don't know. I went from knowing absolutely everybody (or atleast someone that they knew) to knowing just my roommate and the new friends I am [attempting] to make at my new job.

So far I really, truly like it here. I just miss a couple of people from back home but I'm surviving. I can't wait until I get my first paycheck so I can really experience this town. I moved here with roughly $200 in my pocket and not a penny more. So... lets just say I'm just affording gas right now [barely] but it will be okay.... my job seems very promising and I love it there. The Goddess has given me the strength to journey on... yet again. :)

Umm... what else? What else?

My love life is still a train wreck... a very slow moving train wreck Matrix-style... Not that I'm complaining. I rather like my calm, boring (yet still exciting) love life right now. I'm still talking with THEE ex... yes... the big major one... *sigh* She's got me still, I guess... There are just some people that will never be removed from your life... even if you don't communicate with them anymore. Well, now we're communicating. I even bought a webcam... so yah... we do geeky aim convos with visuals now. (No kinky shit, you nasty minded tards!)


It's a word day! So erm... here is your word. :)

Coven (Covan)

A Coven is an assembly of witches/wiccans that get together to form a circle, do some magic or even just get together; have coffee and talk about their children... A coven is no smaller than 3. In most traditional Covens are no larger than 13.

Wiki says:
"The word was originally a late medieval Scots word (circa 1500) meaning a gathering of any kind, according to the Oxford English Dictionary. It derives from the Latin root word convenire meaning to come together or to gather, which also gave rise to the English word convene. The first recorded use of it being applied to witches comes much later, from 1662 in the witch-trial of Isobel Gowdie, which describes a coven of 13 members."


"The number of persons involved may vary. Although thirteen has been suggested as the optimum number (probably in deference to Murray's theories), any number above and including three can be a coven. Two would usually be referred to as a working couple (in any combination of sexes.) Within the community, many believe that a coven larger than thirteen is unwieldy, citing unwieldy group dynamics and an unfair burden on the leadership. When a coven has grown too large to be manageable, it may split, or "hive". In Wicca this may also occur when a newly made High Priest or High Priestess, also called 3rd Degree ordination, leaves to start their own coven. Wiccan covens are generally jointly led by a High Priestess and a High Priest, though some are led by only one or the other. In more recent forms of neopagan witchcraft, covens are sometimes run as democracies with a rotating leadership."

With all that said: I am not in a Coven, nor do I really desire to be in one. It's all personal preference, really. Also, some Covens charge you [money] to be apart of their group. Small fees are requested... some are understandable [circle items, group items, maybe helping with food and drink that is served, etc] and others are just ridiculous [being charged to be taught something from the craft just seems very Christian and greedy to me] and I will not be a part of it.

But please, don't take my bias against group practice as your own unless you've tried both. I can honestly say I have not tried to be in a group based practice... My lack of desire is a big reason but I'm not all people. I know some people who are in a coven and love every second of it and it fits their spiritual life style flawlessly. Maybe someday I will find a group of like minded people and we will call some circles together, I'm not completely against the idea... so please, don't let me make your mind up for you.

Blessed Be,

(You can also thank Alicia for giving me the motivation to blog again.) :D

Sunday, May 2, 2010


Yes, that is really a screen shot of what was delivered to my inbox.

Hate comes in all shapes and sizes. Hate is expressed by those you would never imagine. This women is a friend of my mothers, she's not a stranger by any means. When I went to delete her from my friends list... I guess she either was already deleted or I had never added her. (I believe she deleted me first) So I reported her for insulting comments and hate speech. If you've never experience hate speech... here is a prime example. I covered up her picture and name so it's not to be a jab at her directly, but an example for others for what NEVER to do.

You hear all the time about gay rights and blahblahblah... and if you're straight, you always assume things... like, "Why show pictures of you kissing someone of the same sex? That's so disrespectful to me. augh. Nasty. I don't do that!" When, okay... specifically "you" may not... but I have about 300 friends on facebook, and about 250 of them have posted themselves kissing someone else on the lips just as my picture is. We're obviously in public in the picture... completely clothed... and I don't see tongue or even a rude gesture in the picture. This may be my bias opinion, but I like the picture very much.

And "Devoted to being gay" Umm... really? I bet she's "devoted" to being in love with her husband or "devoted" to her kids... I'm sure she has TONS of pictures showing her DEVOTION to things... why can't I? What's so wrong with that? How is it wrong for me but right for her? WHO gave her the power to choose such things?

Now, I'm sure I'm probably pissing off everyone who knows this individual and can figure out who it is. Go ahead. Honestly, I haven't pin-pointed who she is so don't think I'm directly stating anything to HER. I said my peace, turned her in, and blocked her. I'm just trying to let the REST OF YOU know how it is. If you don't agree with who I love just because of her sex... PLEASE REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY LIFE! Because it's either you do it first, or I do it later. I have people who love me for who I am. I surround myself with people who don't judge me or think less of me just because of who I associate with. I DON'T NEED PEOPLE WHO ARE BIGOTED, HATERS, OR CLOSE-MINDED. You aren't worth my time or my emotions. It's really no big deal to me to be without a few people, there are SO many humans on this big rock we call Earth... life will go on.


Friday, April 23, 2010

How to lose Belly Fat.... SRSLY?

Okay, so the weight that is taking the longest to beat is my tummy. Not my lovehandles, but my tummy and thighs. Augh. It's so annoying... so I googled it. Because google is the know-all be-all of everything, duh. Well, I found a list of things we aren't meant to eat while losing weight... Okay, I understand it... but they said to cut it out COMPLETELY... and uhh... that's not going to fly. I'm bolding things on the list that I have already either completely eliminated or have cut down to about 10% of my average 100% intake of food.

This should be interesting...
Refined (processed) carbohydrates are high carbohydrate (or concentrated carbohydrate) foods. These types of food are a major causes of weight gain and obesity (plus other diet related diseases). Although this is not a complete list, refined/processed carbohydrates are such things as:

ice cream
potato chips/crisps
nibbles/savory snacks


store bought cooked meats/cold cuts (they have added sugars and additives)
sausages/hot dog frankfurters (they have carbohydrate fillers, additives, and sometimes sugar)

all sugars
all products containing sugar
foods containing corn syrup, etc.

Okay, so I guess I did better than what I thought I would... but I feel like I make up for those things I cut out I eat almost twice as much as the other stuff... lol
I barely drink soda, that wasn't a big deal. Some of this stuff I just don't want to pay for because I'd rather spend that money on something else probably more pointless... and non-food.
Jello, jams and puddings just don't fit in my lifestyle. I make pudding sometimes with soy milk or water (depending on the mix) but that's only if the mood strikes me... and I think the last time I had pudding was months ago and only because it was mint chocolate chip. Took me a week and a half to eat the whole box that I made. I kept it at work as emergency breakfast. (If I forgot to bring something to eat.) But idk, jello and pudding aren't anything I go out of my way to consume. I also can't even get through a whole peppermint anymore because it's too sweet and it turns my stomach. I'm just not into solid-sugar candies.
I don't buy storebought meats because well... I have cut out 80% of my consumption of meat. Usually if I'm eating meat it's fast food and I'm hungover or it's a hot wing. But usually I refrain from eating all meat. The few times I add it to the grocery bill it's good while I eat it and then I'm physically sick for two days after because I'm not use to eating it....
But I eat enough pasta to choke a horse and could probably breath pastries instead of air and still manage to survive. I don't buy pastry on the regular, but I keep a stock of muffin mixes in my kitchen and won't ever turn down a doughnut. I crave bread like a honeybee needs pollen. I try not to over-do it. I watch how MUCH I eat in one sitting, rather than tell myself no. Because if I tell myself no on one thing, I will pretty much give up on food all together. (And we all know that's no bueno) So instead I just watch my intake. Well, I try. Lately I've been a bad girl because I'm in love and homegirl likes to snack. (She's at a natural non-commissioned weight of 110 maaaybe) So now I'm feeling the affects of lovedrunk-snacking and augh, I feel miserable.
I haven't even gone to the gym in WEEKS! FUCKING WEEKS! So yesterday was my first day back and I'm sore and hating it, but going back before my gf comes to my house today. At my heaviest I weighed probably 225lbs. (I recently found a picture of myself at that weight... augh. It's nasty) Since then I dropped 60lbs right off the bat and then worked my way back up to 170ish. :( It's killing me. I need to lose another 25lbs. Even 20. I'd actually be elated at 150. I'm not trying to be 135 again. I mean... it'd be nice... but I'm not that regimented and I'm a broad bitch, so it may not even be attractive for me to lean down that much.
But augh, I'm sure you guys are really enjoying my chatter about what I eat and what a fat ass I am... so I'm going to run home to change into gym clothes!
O yeah, yesterday was Earth Day. Everyone was blessing Gaia on twitter and it made my life happy. I bought strawberries and aspergaus from a street vendor by my house and stayed outside in the sun all day to celebrate, what did you do?
Blessed Be,

Friday, March 26, 2010

Video of the Week: Wicca Vs Witchcraft

Another perspective on Wicca and Witchcraft and how they are not the same, but can be affiliated.

I agree with most of what he says and I really like how he uses Martial Arts as an analogy.

Blessed Be,

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Arrrrruuguugggggggg & Spell Editorial

Don't you hate the downer that comes with the uppity happiness?

I've been so very happy these last few weeks and now suddenly I'm very sullen and sad. I can't seem to shake it either. I'm just really upset and hating myself. My insecurities are raging.

I haven't really had too much time alone recently and that may be playing a part but when I get alone I get even more sad and icky. It's a double edged sword and I can't decide which edge will hurt the least.


In other Witchy news: I want to talk about spells in general. As a blanket statement.

I frequent a pagan website, which I've mentioned before (and is linked over there somewhere ---->) and new members usually post "can I have a spell that..." and "I need love, someone know a love spell?" and it just rubs me the wrong way terribly.

Spells are not meant to be a fix-all, be-all. I've cast a couple in my lifetime but I view spells in a different way than other Wiccans (I'm assuming, from my experiences) I view spells as a rite. A Ritual. A different way of "prayer". It's very similar to ceremonies held by organized religion. I use a spell as an "umpf" not a crutch.

(Let me try to use english)

When I say "crutch" I mean... If you are in a coven, or trying to be a part of a coven, MOST of them make you take CLASSES. Yes, like school. You have to take classes and studies before they will even CONSIDER you. As a solitary you obviously have more freedom but I like the idea that covens want you to be schooled before they will welcome you in and let you yeld a wand. Because you have to know what you're dealing with before you welcome energies into your life. You need to. I can't stress that enough.

As a solitary I hold my own standards. Respectively, I studied for 5yrs before casting my first circle. Most books you'll read will tell you to study at the very very least one full year and a day before calling any elements, or chanting anything altering to the universe. I completely revel in the year and a day thing. You need that time. You need it. It's kind of like a spiritual cleansing. You need those days, hours, weeks, minutes... to just purge out all you ever thought of religion and replace it with new ideas and new insights. Rushing into things usually end horribly.

I practice my craft much like a Buddist tries to reach enlightenment. I approach everything with patience and time. Meditation is very important to me and it truly affects everything you do in life. With spells, you take time. You study it. You research the items you will be using if you are unfamiliar with them or haven't used them before. Check all angles. Is there a better herb? Is there a better oil? Is this the right color candle? Should you have to call a circle or could you just send up some words to the Goddess and feel content?

There are so many ways things could pan out. There are so many outcomes that aren't desired that could happen. Anything can and will happen.

A "spell" is such a loose term. When I say spell in this article I truly mean calling a circle, inviting spirits, energies and elements into your current physical being and welcoming the Goddess to show her true self to you. Not just lighting a candle or sending energies to your diety. Many people that practice any form of "spellwork" even see a simple, "Dear Goddess, bless me on this day and help me follow my path" and a nod to the moon as a spell. While others (like myself) view full-blown casting a circle and/or using items to construct a ritual as a spell...

Wicca is a huge gray area.
Everything I've said may or may not be agreed with and could be "wrong" to someone else.
I'm a solitary, I know how I do it and I'm aware how others do it.
(Never be afraid to make something your own or change things to fit you in your craft. Wicca is very personal and very self-described)

I'm really not trying to confuse anyone, there are just so many options to spells and the like. To me the most powerful of spell is one that is written by your own hand and created in your own mind. I don't feel like buying a spell from a bookstore makes it legit. If you want spell books for ideas and educational to learn how to construct a spell, I have no qualms with that. I read spells all the time just out of curiosity, but for the most part I feel like my own spells written by me or spells I've found and altered to be my own work the best.

Love Spells:
Love spells kind of need their own blog, but while I'm on the subject I might as well cover it.

Love spells are just silly. I view love spells in the same way christian view the Holy Grail. Unattainable and most believe is a myth but yet people don't stop the journey. I don't believe in love spells, I've never tired one nor would I ever. Love is such a beautifully twisted, ugly, outrageous, wonderful, twitchy, maddening shroud of what could be, should be, might be. Love isn't meant to be tampered with by any forces other than yourself purely on an emotional level.

To cast a spell asking for someone to love you is setting yourself up for disappointment.

(Remember the gray area? There is one here too)

The gray area for loves spells is this: I can see doing a "love" spell wanting to heal from a bad break up, or to strengthen the love you have for yourself. A "love" spell can also be cast (in my opinion) when you feel unloved and you want to be AWARE of the love around you, not CREATE it. An awareness spell seems far more legit to me rather than a "I want to create this love that didn't exsist before" spell. I believe that wanting to be aware of the love that IS around you when you are doubting it, seems okay to me and probably wouldn't backfire on you. It's when you ask for something that wasn't there to suddenly be there is when energies get skewed and people's emotions get toyed with and possibly you end up with some pretty heavy negative baggage that won't go away until you do a counter-spell to hopefully dispell some of the nasty that you got from the original one.

On the forum that I go to whenever someone wants to cast a love spell, I try to stear them in a new direction. Here are some examples:

"I just want him/her to love me. I want them to be mine. I love him/her so much!"
-Do you want them to love you back or be aware of it? Have you tried to tell them? Are you too scared to talk to them? Do a confidence spell to make you strong enough to talk to them and make them aware of your feelings for them.

"He broke up with me and I can't take it anymore. He already has a new girlfriend and I want him back. I love him and he needs to love me back."
-You should do a healing spell. Mend your heart before you could possibly ever cast a spell requesting such a thing. If you cast a spell with animosity in your heart you will probably send the wrong kind of energy out into the universe and love won't be what is sent back to you. Do a spell asking for inner peace and when you get your head straight you will realize there are others you could love and will love you back.

"I have a friend that really likes this guy and we want to do a love spell so she can get him to notice her. What kind of love spell could I do?"
-An awareness spell. Do a spell that "reveals" things to him directly. As in, you are more obvious in your actions in hopes that he could notice you. Spells are a reflection within yourself on others, not an attempt to change other people's actions and emotions to reflect back on you. A spell is sent out and hopefully rebounded back... much like a boomerang. You have to send it before you can recieve it. I believe if you have this mindset while casting a spell, it will properly be sent out into the universe and hopefully answered.

Again, I am not the know-all be-all and not everyone will agree with my opinions but I just hope to offer some insight. As always, do you own research before you take my opinions as your own.

Blessed Be,

Monday, March 15, 2010


Main Entry: dra·ma
Pronunciation: \ˈdrä-mə, ˈdra-\
Function: noun
Etymology: Late Latin dramat-, drama, from Greek, deed, drama, from dran to do, act
Date: 1515

1 a : a composition in verse or prose intended to portray life or character or to tell a story usually involving conflicts and emotions through action and dialogue and typically designed for theatrical performance : play — compare closet drama b : a movie or television production with characteristics (as conflict) of a serious play; broadly : a play, movie, or television production with a serious tone or subject

2 : dramatic art, literature, or affairs
3 a : a state, situation, or series of events involving interesting or intense conflict of forces b : dramatic state, effect, or quality


AKA: Something I won't get involved in, ESPECIALLY if it's nothing to do with me personally. My friends can fight, throw words and stones and fists... I will take one step back. Unless it's a total misunderstanding of words that I might be able to clear a fog over.... I'm out of it.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Music Wednesday (Music:Walk Away by Imogen Heap)

Just when I think I have my shit together... I fuck up royally.

Dear Imogen,
I love that you have a song for EVERY fucking thing that goes on in my life... but seriously... can I not have things in my life fit so perfectly sometimes? It'd make my life less painful. Just... maybe just once?
Love you,

I saw her today. I fucking folded and touched her. I wouldn't let her close to me at first and ended up having an anxiety attack in her bathroom. Cowered and chicken. Crying. Shaking. Fucking hating myself. She told me I'd be okay... she promised everything would be okay.

What bullshit.

We talked. She read me a letter.

Yelling... we yelled. I yelled. She cried. I cried. I yelled again.

We touched. We touched a lot.

Didn't kiss though... didn't kiss.

No bare skin... bare skin is bad.

I snapped. Snapping is what happened. I stopped. Nausea... sickness. Hate. Pain. I stopped.

We argued... she cried... I left.

I drove.

I crawled up my stairs.

I painted. I cried. I painted. I cried. I cried. I cried... I painted.

I danced.

I danced.

I danced.

I cried.

I danced.

I vacuumed.

I cried.

I txted her...

I wrote a blog.

I'm broken.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Wiccan Word of the Week (WWW: Circle)

There are so many ways to "Call a Circle" and there are many variations of a Circle that are practiced in Wicca. I will only be speaking of different circles found in Wicca, Calling a circle is an entirely different blog. :)

You've got a circle around a Star which it the Pentagram that I have discussed previously. A circle around a Pentagram means it's a closed pentagram and the elements within it is being controlled in some ways. (Since Wiccan's use their practice as some form of "control" in their lives, it only makes sense that their symbol reflects humanity in control)

The image of a Snake eating his own tail is an old Chinese proverb within its self. It shows Life and Death, very much like the circle of life but more disturbing, I think.
Snake is alive, snake starts eating himself, snake begins where he ends. A lot of Wiccans believe not in an afterlife, but in reincarnation. (Reincarnation is when your soul is transformed or transplanted into a new being and a new life, trying to accomplish what your soul needs to do to ultimately purify its self and in time, be welcomed to "The Great Meadow")

When a Wiccan casts a circle, it isn't just a circle but a Sphere of Protection for the one in the middle (or surrounding) it. The circle is meant to protect everyone involved and dispel any negativity within the Circle. In Hocus Pocus you saw the older brother put a circle of salt around his younger sister to ward off evil spirits. Salt is often used in spells that are "heavy" on magic or if the caster feels they need an extra bit of protection, although Candles are reflected in the same way, as a ward against anything that might want to "Piggyback" the spell.

So basically, the idea of a circle is what goes around comes around. What lives, also dies. What dies can also live again. He who suffers can once again feel happiness. And all of that fun stuff.

There are Circles everywhere in life. When I think of a circle I think of a full moon, the highest peak of magical thinking... or the craziest time for the general public.... the highest tides and the brightest nights. I'm kind of obsessed with circles, you could say. I see them everywhere and a heed them when it's needed.

When you think of a circle, what do you see?

Blessed Be,


I'm obsessed and I have no idea why. I'm obsessed with the w4w personals and Missed Encounters and shit like that.

[[[[ Obsessed ]]]]

I guess I think it'd be fun if someone ever mentioned me. (But they never do) I also find it amazing about how people basically sell themselves over the internet. I feel like reading the personals and missed encounters is like delving into lives that people usually don't show others or would be embarrassed about if their mother happened to read it.

I mean, honestly. There is a dude looking to PAY a marine to "suck him off" I mean... this dude wants to pay someone so HE can do things to THEM! It's shocking and I'm just... wow.

I never respond to any of the personals though and from what I've gathered, a guy that drugged me awhile back is apparently famous on Craigslist... imagine that. He is a complete whore and womanizer and he's famous on a hookup site... Mm... not that far fetched. Lucky for me I no longer work in a public setting and don't have to see him around town anymore... but now I get to read people's comments about him and warnings against him all over Craigslist. (It's sooo priceless)

I feel like Craigslist is a huge social experiment that I get to peek in on whenever I feel like it.. but everyone else isn't in on it so they take it seriously.

It's astounding the amount of Gay/Lesb things that are up there. I mean... I've read "We can be discreet" so many times it makes me sick. If you are something, you are it. I understand keeping it hushhush during certain situations (My Gma would probably die instantly if she found out) but for the general public... but if you are willing to put yourself out on a website... You should face the music and deal.

The worst ones though are, "My husband is deployed and he said I could do a girl while he's gone... anyone interested?"

Here is a hint ladies... if you are curious and married... find another curious and married women. Bi girls are more apt to please your husband too when he gets back, though. If you go after a lesbian, you're just going to fuck with her mind and then you'll be banging your husband when he gets back, leaving her emotionally tarnished. (But I can't speak for all lesbians...) If you find another straight but curious girl, you're bound to come out unscathed on both ends.... same with a Bi girl. Bi girls are more apt to do 3somes with your husband, which can make him not-so-jealous about the situation. Lesbians won't want a 3some with your penis-baring husband. (Just saying)

Begging for sex.

Seriously... begging. I mean... I know I'm not a dog face or anything and I'm sure a lot of these people that are begging aren't either... But there are soooo many other ways to connect with people. Just grow some friggin' balls and ask someone something very obvious to start the conversation. The conversation can develope in to more things and then BAM! you can then ask them about some sexual favors. And if you just want a fuck.. there are bars on every corner and plenty of willing whores are regulars. (Promise)

With all this said, I'm sure you are thinking, "Just don't read them if it bothers you so much" and you're right. I really shouldn't.. because sometimes I'm tempted to email them and go, "Really?! Are you fucking serious right now?! Posting a picture of your penis is NOT attractive and begging just makes you look desperate. I hope you get AIDs and die!"

Okay, so maybe not the die part...

And maybe I'm just as evil because I read missed connections hoping that someone mentions me just out of pure vanity. I honestly don't know what I'd do if someone did mention me though-- I mean... would I respond? I watch CSI too much to trust strangers... just saying.

It also creeps me out when I see that people have posted their phone numbers in hopes that someone will dial their number looking for a hookup... when that person posted their number, did they ever think of those prowling Craigslist looking for their first murder? Or theives looking for some stupid idiot willing to meet anyone at any time just to rob them blind?

Maybe it's a good thing I don't trust people enough to respond to these posts on Craigslist and maybe it's awesome that I don't have any desire to meet these people and I'm terrified at the thought of it. Maybe it's a good thing that I read these posts because it makes me feel less desperate and needy. Also, less alone in wanting some affection from someone else. I find just as much comfort as I do disgust in some of the want ads.

So I guess what I'm saying is... I won't stop reading craigslist anytime soon.

Blessed Be,

(All of these opinions are mine. That doesn't make them right or even all that justified... but that's what opinions are. So if I offended you, that wasn't my intentions)

Sunday, February 28, 2010

I'm starving.

I'm so hungry I could probably eat my own mattress. lol I won't though... so don't worry.

This weekend has been... wow. Just... wow.

I've either been totally lame or totally on point. (Or very naughty) Either way, I'm happy it's Sunday. I'm debating on if I should go out or not. The last time I went out on Sunday I had girls trying to get me drunk to take me home and another one stole my necklace. (Bitch)

I may just chill at home tonight with Elliot (My kitty) He's always really neglected during the weekend anyway because I work so fucking much. I'm thinking of having a PJ day. Vegging out and watching movies. Too bad the ex took the DVD player in my room. (It was hers to begin with) because I really don't feel like going out to buy one right now... and every time I watch movies downstairs I just end up feeling like my father and pass out in my recliner. (I think out of the maybe six times in seven months I've been able to sit in my living room and watch movies and every time I fall asleep and wake up a few hours later with the title screen on) Never fails. I blame lack of sleep and constant working (and recently my attempts at non-work partying)

I feel so sleep hung over today. I realized last night as I was passing out that I haven't eaten one actual meal in three weeks. Is that pathetic? I get myself caught in a rut. I don't want to eat fast food, so I don't. I don't have time to actually fix myself something so I just don't eat at home. My stomach randomly decides that everything in it should be evacuated... so therefore I don't feel up to eating. Then when I do I'm out in public and I don't want to do the fast food thing and I'm not emotionally ready to face restaurants alone just yet... so I don't eat.

I'm still going to the gym like normal though. (About twice a week, sometimes I get lucky and go a third time) Which is terrible. I'm working away muscle that way; I know that... but damn, I'm losing weight like crazy! lol And to make up for my lack of normal eating, I've been eating a lot of red meat. :( Which may be why I feel like constant crap... but I can't eat veggies randomly once a day and not pass out from lack of legit solid foods, I think. My eating is so fucked up. I went from not eating meat to eating it every time I do eat because it's a rarity to eat at all. I need to fix that... it's probably part of the reason my tummy goes all wonky sometimes and then I feel like shit for hours.

I've realized I'm a crazy stalker and I need to be a hermit instead. (If only my job would allow it) I embarrassed myself rather terribly last night... and that will NOT happen again. I won't allow it. And I'm sorry... again. (You know who you are)


Blessed Be,

Thursday, February 25, 2010

"So you're talking to other girls?" She says.

"Not successfully." I say.


I already know she reads this and I'm shooting myself in the foot.... but I just can't seem to vocalize what I want to say when I'm around her or hear her voice... and definantly not when I look in her eyes.

Girls make me stupid, I've discovered.

Stupid in a way that I get all crazy and talk too much or not enough. Stupid in a way that boggles the straight friends I have. They have no advice because they have no idea. "Just rebound. Rebounding makes things better."

Rebounding is easy when you're after penis. Penis is in abundance and usually attached to a whore... a whore that would probably spit on you afterwards and then boast about it to his buddies. (Sorry... that was really bitter. Women are very capable of doing the same... but that's a debate I'm not trying to get into right now)

So breaking up sucks. Especially when both parties refuse to stop talking to each other. It makes it hard to move on, or even function as a normal single person.

Twitter is satan and facebook is hell.

"What does this mean?" "Why did you say that?" "Who are you talking about when you say this?"

Again... shooting myself in the foot seems to be my favorite past time.

I have a good few days and I feel like I'm starting to feel like me again. I can even discuss girls with my sister (which is a MAJOR revelation) I don't feel like I'm some alien that has ruined my familys dreams anymore. In some ways this break up has helped my family realize that my feelings for her are real and were real and it is possible to love someone of the same sex "in that way." It's the whole, "If it hurts this bad and she just stayed at home and cried for three weeks, she must have really not been faking it just to ruin our lives and embarrass us in front of our church friends"

But anyway... there is a lot to learn from this and I'm aware of it. I just wish that my head would uncloud and my panties would unwad. I'm like an angry sex monster. I'm going through withdrawls. I just want someone to touch me and it mean something. Not just lust and not even neccesarily love... just something. I want someone to want me in a way that it's just the beginning... it's a projected emotional adventure. (Was that a stretch? lol)

Yes, I'm talking to other girls. Yes.. more than one. Are any entertaining me back? Not really. Is my ex even in the mix anymore? Yes. Am I trying to lead any of the new ones on or even juggle them like a womanizer? Hell no. Would I go on dates? Yes. (Thats really all I want. Dates. Go to dinner, go to the movies... long walks on the beach and all that cliche-ness) Do I have to be in a relationship to feel whole? No.

Some one else does not make me feel validated. Although my actions would speak otherwise... (according to someone) I just feel very unwanted and very unattractive recently. Is it really so terrible to want someone to tell me I'm beautiful? No. I'm a women, I need at least a little validation from others. It's how we function. It comes with the plumbing, people. Honestly. And really, I don't know if I could get down and dirty with someone right now without seeing my ex when I close my eyes. Thats just not fair to anyone. I'm not over her... I'm not. I am aware. It will take time. But kissing isn't really ruled out... I mean... kissing would be fun. Even maybe holding hands? Going on a date, even.

(Although I am a sex-deprived-maniac... I'm not a heartless monster.)

I tweet a lot about not liking my whole sleeping alone situation... but I was thinking about it... and I don't really know of anyone I'd feel comfortable in my bed right now.... even the ex. (I've been burned too many times and shut down when it was offered... so I'm a bit jaded at the idea of asking her over anymore... and I feel guilty that I'd do that when I'm actively trying to find affection from others. It just doesn't seem right.) I mean... suuuure there are plenty of chicks out there that could fill a void physically... but I don't know anyone well enough to want them in my house muchless sleep over even if they are just a warm body. I'm not desperate. Just sad and lonely.

But I'm aware that the lonely will go away and the sad will soon stop... I think talking to my ex is bad. I need to cut the cord. Every time I talk to her she makes me cry. Every time we try to hang out she makes me cry. Every time she tries to be nice or even sweet I have a hard time trying to believe her. The ship has sailed... as hard as that is to swallow... it's true. I persued her with everything I had; I poured my entire everything into her... our breakup wasn't entirely her fault and she isn't a monster... but I can't cling to the hope that she'll treat me any different when she doesn't even respect herself.

I just.. augh. I'm being crazy I know... but I feel better now that I told my loyal non-commenting-readers about my angst. :)

Blessed Be,

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Music Wednesday (Music: Not Your Toy by La Roux)

It's huge... and annoying.. and I'm sorry... but I refuse to take it down.. hahahaha.

So suffer!!! Suffer!!!