Goodbye 2014: May you rot in hell.

This past year has been tough. The struggle seemed never ending. The bills never stopped. The guilt of the impending year anniversary of us living with my grandmother came and went. Sadness, panic and dismay was the theme of 2014. We spent over a thousand dollars this year on storing our material possessions. Just thinking about that alone makes me want to hurl.

I don't want to dwell on the most terrible of this past year though. I try not to let the gloom and doom consume me. I try not to feel like I'm waiting in line for something to happen. Earth is not a big waiting room for some mystical place after we die. I loathe that paused feeling. 2014 was more or less my screeching halt and reality check. I'm happy that it seems to have brought Hubby and I closer instead of farther apart. As a newly married couple (Fuck. We were pretty brand new in the whole relationship thing, much-less the marriage)  I feel like we came through pretty clean. There was some definite rough patches and we had our first real arguments ever but beyond that we still love each other and still want to be married... which says a lot in today's approach to marriage.

Appreciation Day

Let's face it, the original Thanksgiving was new Americans celebrating the fact that they were stronger than the Indians. Poor Indians. I won't go too far into the actual history of this holiday but I feel it is a disgrace to simply overlook such details.

Anyway, everyone is posting statuses on fb about things they are thankful for, or appreciate about their lives. I felt a status would be far too short for my now very full life. All day I was thinking about last thanksgiving. I was newly homeless and living out of my car. My hours had just been dramatically cut at work and my romantic life was pretty much in the shitter. My sister had agreed to let me crash on her couch and half my stuff was in my hometown while the other half was being held hostage by gas prices three hours away. I didn't have a cellphone, was down to my last $20. My life had hit the ultimate rock bottom.
Funny how holidays really make you reflect on your existence like that. I had to be around my entire family and tell them I had failed at life. I had truly given up on life. I picked up an old job at a sandwich shop and started casually dating out of desperation.

I had cashed out on life. 

This thanksgiving I have an apartment, a cellphone, an amazing husband and a daughter on the way. We always seem to have food, gas and enough money for fun stuff too. Even as I sat in the bathroom this morning sobbing because I couldn't be with my extended family today it was hard to ignore the family I have created here. Hubby is everything I have ever wanted but never thought that I deserved. He supported me mentally before he ever needed to financially (even though he offered quite a bit).

Without Hubby and BFF I wouldn't have survived this long. They showed me what love is and what true family means. They have gotten me out of more situations than I'd care to admit. If there were subjects in which to give most thanks for it would be those two. (BFFs hubby by extention, they are both very wonderful people) They are the family I chose and that welcomed me when I felt the entire world had turned their backs to me. No matter how self wallowing and sob story I ever was to them they unfailingly were there for me. 
 

For that, I will forever be in debt to them and will always put then at the top of my "most thankful for" list.

I love you guys.

<3 br="">

Stop it, Pregnant Brain! You're emabarrassing me.

Pregnant Log
[ Pregnant: 20wks] Tomorrow hits 20wks
[ Mood Swings: Tears not anger]
[Cravings: BBQ sauce, salad & greens in general]

I have so much to write about that I've talked myself out of writing every time I get a chance.

We have cable now.
We got married.
I can feel the baby move.

>>>Politics.

I went almost a whole week without showering. (By accident)
I miss my BFF.
I've decided I suck at my job.
We haven't bought ONE THING for the baby.
I cry about everything... especially things that "don't matter". (TV commercials especially.)
My dreams are not pleasant.
[[ I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving not surrounded by family. ]]


Just to list a few. My heartburn is out of control. October flew by... I mean... I blinked and the entire month was gone. Just gone. Poof. Vamu. I've played a lot of video games and we've watched A LOT of TV. I blame that. For as much time that I spend with Hubby I feel like we never see each other. It's not like we have friends we hang out without each other either. I keep waiting for that moment of reflection and the, "Omgwtfwheredidmylifego?!" but I have yet to have that settle in. I'm not sure if it ever will. I have had that pang of, "Without Hubby I would probably still be mooching off of my BFF and her family while trying to maintain the idea of martial bliss just isn't in the cards for me." as I go to bed wondering what Hubby is up to and scolding exes in my head for all the scandalous things I let them get away with.

My dreams have made me incredibly insecure... well, that and the fact that I've gained 15lbs. It doesn't help that I eat a bunch of junk food. Sometimes I just want to cry into cookie dough while watching Golden Girls on DVR. I haven't slowed down. I eat, I cook, I clean, I watch TV, I play Sims 3, I sleep, I eat, I clean, I watch TV-- and well, you get the picture.

I came home from work today and hopped in the shower and it felt like the first shower at home after two weeks in away camp. Seriously. That bad. I think the last time I took a shower was Monday? Maybe? Damn. I don't even have a kid to blame. Well.. not yet, anyway. Then I tried to recall my last week or so. What a big shiny blur that is. My back is killing me and I'm always starving.

That's all I can focus on: I'm fat, my back huuuurts and where is the food?

I keep telling myself just to go to the apartment gym and spend an hour on the stationary bike while I read a book and escape for a little while. I can't though-- I can't take a break from the world. Something isn't allowing me to. It took serious effort to slow down and just turn on music... I stared at the blank entry page for a good two hours before words started pouring out. I'm so distracted and pregnant brain. There is so much I want to do and get done and research... It's like I'm a 3 year old with serious ADHD during a light show. My BFF and sister said repeatedly, "Being pregnant makes me dumb." and I thought they were just making excuses.... BOY ARE THEY RIGHT!

I mean, I've never been the brightest light bulb but I'm no Paris Hilton. These days Paris Hilton looks brainy next to me. When I go into work and I get asked common questions about phones my brain just shuts off.

Wow, I suck at thoughts today.

My Boring Life

This blog use to be filled with desperation, longing and pathetic poetry-like words wishing and hoping for things that never seemed to be in my grasp.

Now, I have nothing to really write about.

 Well, not NOTHING... but definitely happier things.

I find those things to be boring. 

I have a boring life now.

By boring, I mean, I'd bore you guys to death with my happiness. I'm not actually bored. Far from bored. I'm domestic and painfully in love. So painfully in love if I was to put it into words it wouldn't seem valid. My fairytale would seem like a lie to an average reader of this blog. I'd seem far too happy and thus, must be rubbing my lies into the faces of those that might read this.

Truth is, my boring love and life is all I've ever wanted. We eat together; pass out on the couch watching TV together and smile together. We even work together now. Doing the usual morning shuffle of coffee, showering and putting on our Adult Costumes. We separate just long enough for work and chores. I miss him terribly like he's countries away when really he's just a few hours from my grasp... maybe even minutes. We openly discuss how happy we make each other, tell each other how cute we are with bedhead.... we gently shake the other awake when we have overslept. We engage in conversations that no one else would understand because they aren't us. We have inside jokes that happened by accident and laugh about things others wouldn't find funny. We are a we.

To you, this is all pathetic nonsense. I can't apologize for our boring behavior. It's just how life is. The most excitement we have every night is, "Should we get more beer or wine for tonight?" and "Dr. Who or a movie?" 

As I mentioned before, I have a job now! I have to cover my tattoos, which has proved to be annoying, but it's a job that I think I will really enjoy. My work email and most paperwork is now with my soon-to-be last name. It's odd, but feels natural. It's almost too easy to succumb to my new life. It's a graceful transition. My mother recently came to visit and she said she was amazed at how relaxed and happy I am. To be honest, I'm amazed at how relaxed and happy I am too. Hubby has even said he can't remember me ever being this happy.

I could write books about how enthralled I am with Hubby and our life together. I could write three blogs a day about how elated I am and describe every moment of every day to you. My facebook is canvased in gushy love statuses and tagging him with cuteness.

So.

Absolutely. 
Boring.

 (To you)

I even feel like I've written enough about it to prove to everyone that this is legit. Whine.Whine.Bitch.Bitch. It's all been laid out for everyone. I have nothing else to prove to anyone in a negative spin.... but simple happiness isn't exciting to the common reader. I also don't want to be even more annoying than I already am about this blissful turn of events.

So I guess what I'm saying is... You'll be the first to know when I have something horrible happening in my life, that will never change. Until then...

(No matter how boring)

Lessthanthree

This weekend I witnessed my BFF get married. The ceremony was quick and the party lasted all night. They are such a beautifully loving couple! I cried. A lot. I cried before I left, I cried once we got there and then I cried during the ceremony and during my toast to them. I was such a blubbering idiot. 

These are a couple that have taught me the proper way to love and to raise a family. I always wanted to have the kind of love they have. I was able to bring Hubby with me which meant a lot to me. Not only for the thirty-four hour round trip drive but for the honor to have him on my arm while I see my BFF get married. Well, I was in the wedding so he sat with my family but you know what I mean. They are not a religious type of people so the ceremony focused on love and what love means and why to get married.

The way ALL weddings should be.

It really must be love. We were crammed in my tiny car for seventeen hours on the way there, once we arrived it was wedding planning to the max and getting stuff ready. He doesn't know BFF and her family as well as I do so he more or less babysat the twins while her sisters, her and I scrambled to do things around the house. Their house is a decent size but still quite small for about twenty or so people milling about putting flowers together, wrapping center pieces and cleaning empty wine bottles. The house was also a disaster from the regular life of two adults and three small children on top of all the boxes full of wedding stuff to be moved to the venue. Did I mention Hubby isn't much of a people person? I mean, he's personable but his happy place is alone or with maybe two/three other people in a quiet setting watching a movie or making small talk. He was thrown to the wolves on this one.

We arrived at the wedding venue and everything came together magically in just over an hour. We ran a bit behind after getting ready and making our way back to the venue, but the short ceremony made up for it. As BFF and I were walking to the place we were getting ready at Hubby pulls up just in time to give our wedding present: A new cellphone! The night before amidst wedding stress BFF had thrown her phone (that already had a messed up screen but no cracks) giving it a nice rainbow shaped crack across the bottom of it. She squealed when she realized what the box had in it. I have to give Hubby major props because he totally made it happen. The cellphone was his idea and everything. We got her the same phone I have because she liked mine and we knew she was already familiar with it.

After the ceremony we took some really amazing pictures. (Well, had them taken of us.) I love the colors! Hubby and I went out with the bride and groom after the reception and danced the night away. We then faced another 17hr drive home. I drove most of the way to and from. Hubby said that was my punishment for making him go back to North Carolina for any amount of time. My CardioTrainer app said that much driving was well over a thousand calories burned so it's debatable if I should be annoyed that I had to drive that much or not. He was also kind of crabby on the way home but only in the way he said things not so much what he said. He slept a lot, I love that about us as much as I hate it. If either of us gets extremely agitated/angry/annoyed we just go to sleep. It's like angry narcolepsy almost. We both do it though so it's hard to be annoyed about your own personality trait showing in someone else. We finally arrived back to our apartment complex and jumped in the shower to wash off a drunken wedding reception and hours of being on the road. Then we crawled into bed and cuddled like it was the first time we had seen each other in months. Our bed felt heavenly. We fell asleep quickly and didn't even budge until Hubby's alarm went off a couple hours later so he could get up and get ready for work. He begrudgingly got up and got ready for work. When he left my heart sank a little... I wanted him to stay in bed with me and sleep the day away!

That's how I knew it was love. When you can go through a stressful (No matter a happy stressful or a negative stressful) situation; be crammed in a tiny car for hours of driving through state lines, being with each other for basically every second of a very busy weekend just to come home and then cling to each other like we hadn't seen each other through any of it.

I finally know how my BFF feels about her husband. I've been friends with them long enough that they would have their relationship quarrels in front of me like I wasn't in the room. (Well, I also lived with them for a bit so it was bound to happen) Even when they seemed the most agitated at each other they still looked at each other full of love and would instantly drop it when the argument seemed to not be going anywhere... only to be revisited when it had been mulled over and a compromise was being sought out. That's love, people. THAT is how things are meant to be. Love prevails more when it's not all sunshine and rainbows. I always envied their love in the way of wanting it for my own and now I can easily say I have it. I thought I would never be as lucky as them.

Thank you, Hubby, for loving me the way you do.

Photosynthesis.

I just want to be outside.

All day. 

Inside is the enemy today. I don't want to be bothered by video games or AC... I want to feel the sun on my shoulders and get wasted by the pool. Yes, getting wasted by the pool sounds most delightful.

I made a table for outside using only Dos Equis beer boxes and packing tape. Its quite classy... in a redneck kind of way. I guess if it was PBR or Bud Light I'd be more hipster... but its whatever. I'm very proud of my creation.

I am 98% sure I got a job working with Hubby's company. It seems very promising and veryvery well monetarily for us. I'm nervous, of course.... Hubby has the utmost confidence in me which makes me even more nervous. I also have to cover my tattoos. I dressed like a Sunday school teacher to go to the interview.... bleh. School marm, Beth... that's me.


I'm not married yet but I did manage to purchase a "wedding" dress. It's soooo cute. I'm also working out like crazy so I can look good in it whenever we manage to scrape $300 together to have the stupid ceremony. Our money is going towards a trip to NC this weekend so I can be in my BFFs wedding. I'm happy that Hubby arranged to go with me. That 17hr drive was making me have nightmares. I don't think he realizes how much it means to me that he's going with me. I'm sad that I will be missing the bachlorette party though.


This is going to be such a busy end of the month/start of June. I have a lot of good feelings for June. I expect great things.

And a name change.

"I don't want to be ANYTHING like any of your exes!!!"

Augh, okay...

So, I'm a girl. Duh. But I must state that for very obvious reasons-- Girls have irrational ideas sometimes. (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!)

Not wanting to be anything like your current's previous significant others is quite the irrational idea. It's also one that I am quietly struggling with. I'm struggling because I can see the rational side of it.

I'm getting married soon. Also, duh. One thing about marrying one of your close friends is you can recall how ever many years worth of previous significant others they dated freely in front of you. It was shameless because there was only a platonic relationship between you and whoever they brought around. (Well, at least in our case) I knew these girlscoughwomen that he dated before me. I spoke with them, they sought my approval and sized me up accordingly. I have never been intimidated by them and apparently that's intimidating. I, in some cases, got more into their brain than Hubby did. (It's a girl thing) I became their frienemy and got to know them. I remember picking them apart, quite often finding similarities between them and I. Sometimes it was unsettling how my likes were their likes and my hobbies were their hobbies. But then again, a lot of Hubby's likes were my likes and a lot of his hobbies were my hobbies.

Obviously things would stack with who he chose to date as well. Again with the duh

Now that I am romantically involved with him my angsty twelve year old hormonal self can't help but peck at my brain with all the usual paranoid ideas. If you are even slightly aware and female (Or male, I guess?) you know what I'm talking about. Those paranoid ideas just bubble up from within and you have to mull over them and shoot them down or address them aloud if they feel justified enough. Also, getting married isn't child's play. Marriage is not taken lightly by me and my relationship with Hubby is very much adult. I've known him long enough I was more than aware of who I was getting myself involved with. (Translation: My qualms in this post have nothing to do with him directly, I also know he religiously reads my blog, so I have to put that out as clear as possible. This is me just being a vagina.)

But anyway, I know a lot of girls feel this way. Correct? The whole: "I'm nothing like his exes, I don't even see what he saw in them!" Yeah, that. Well, ladies, I'm sorry to break it to you but that is quite irrational. Although I do want to say that all cases are different and you very well may be in one of those glorious "I'm completely unique to those of their past" things. Let me break it down.

People tend to stick with what they know:
If they grew up around intellectual types they will tend to date college graduates or someone with a prestigious career. If someone grew up primarily around a specific race or creed they will tend to date someone of that religion or skin color. If they reallyreally loved their mother or father they will tend to date someone resembling them. Or if they really hated their mother or father they will tend to date those that resemble nothing of them. That's the same with those that have a passion for something and they tend to surround themselves and date others with that common passion.

People tend to date what they like:
If they like poets, they will primarily date poets. If they would prefer red headed gym fanatics, they will stick as close to that as possible... Let's say Person A dates 10 people in their life time. Person A is a guitarist that prefers blondes that are also artistic in some way and loves dogs. It's safe to say Person A had 7 out of 10 that have lighter colored hair; likes dogs and either plays an instrument or does some sort of artwork either as a job or a hobby. Sounds logical to me.

If you've dated "it" before and loved/hated "it", then you will/won't date "it" again:
"It" being something: a trait, a hobby, a defining character of someone. Think: "I dated that guy Jake and he loved to go to the gym. I think it mellowed him out otherwise, so now I dig guys that go to the gym." So then you tend to date athletic people. Athletic people appeal to you. No shame, right? In that same way: "I dated this red headed chick Sarah and she was such a bitch and made all my friends don't want to be around me anymore if she was around. I refuse to date a girl named Sarah or red heads. She was a teacher too, no more teachers for me!" Same idea but on the negative instead of positive. Either way you are getting specific about the type of person you want to get romantic with. Also, no shame.


To the core I seem to reflect Hubby's taste in women. Visual appearances aside, I share a lot of their likes and hobbies as well as some of their personal/political views on things. Which makes sense. Being a vagina about it is letting that leave a nasty taste in my mouth and make me feel like a blow up doll with a common filling.

Since I am being a positive thinker and adult: I like to think of me being all the best qualities he found in previous girls all wrapped up in his favorite shaped box.... with my unique quarks and neurotic habits thrown in!

This theory works in both directions too, ya'know.

Why We are Eloping

For one, Hubby and I have known each other for quite some time. Most of our communication and hanging out was done without informing the masses. Our friendship for the most part was private. Not because we felt we had to be secret, but because we never felt a need to blab it around town. Our time together was always special and outside populace was never a concern. Our mutual friends reacted both shocked and not-so-shocked at us announcing the news. They were shocked because no one realized how close we were and not-so-shocked because they could totally see us together.

I know I love him. I know he loves me. That is not in question. To us, we don't need an audience to prove our vows valid. Not to mention the gawkers that would show or the abundance of drama that could ensue from our drunken friends speaking to our relatives. "Remember when..." stories would rosy our cheeks super quick-like.

So I guess in a way, we are saving face and giving everyone the middle finger too. Not so much in a "Screw you guys, we don't need you!" kind of way but in a, "You guys are awesome but we would rather be alone for this." kind of way. So maybe the middle finger is just to our exes and those that were trying to keep us apart although we were friends with each other and we refused to stop txting and calling each other.

Don't take it personally. My grandmother (whom could lay an egg with excitement that I'm marrying a man) isn't invited to see the exchange of vows and legal signing of documents. That is saying something. Also, our mothers had the same excitement and glee, "I'm just happy you two found each other and will be married!" At this point they just want me to squeeze out a kid or two and us live under the same roof-- I don't think they really care about the rest. (It's all just a technicality to get married, really.)

Basically-- Us getting married is just a socially enforced thing that also enables us to do all those fancy things you're trying to keep gay people from. We want those fancy state/federally acknowledged things. Plus, I think he really digs the idea of me sporting his last name. Nothing to do with religion or if I wore white or not.... or what soandso said to soandso... and "zOmg, can you believe her hair?" Yeah... none of that. At least not on our dime. You can do that all you want from afar on Facebook. (Which, duh, will happen)

In two weeks we move under one roof.

C a n n o t       w a i t!