Sunday, January 27, 2013

Crazy Pregnant Dream

Lately I haven't had any baby-related dreams, it's mainly been me in my regular weirdo dreamscape and someone mentioning that I shouldn't be doing "that" or "this" because I'm pregnant and me denying it because I didn't "feel" pregnant in the dream.

Well, lastnight I had a bought of insomnia and I think that played a part. At a last stitch effort at 3am I took some nyquil and crawled into bed with my snoring husband. It had to be nyquil induced weirdness because at some point I could physically feel myself clinging to my hubby while my mind went on an adventure.

I was standing at the threshold at the old church I went to as a kid. It is a building built well over 100 years ago and I've always felt it was haunted. Well, the door frame was lined with people from my childhood and pictures of myself. One side was just numbers and names while the other side was the pictures from the past. I stood there kind of weepy like I knew everyone had died, even me. Hubby appears beside me and startles me when he puts a hand on my shoulder, "Do you miss them?" he asks.
"I'm just sad they will miss this." I say as I rub my baby bump.
"Tell me something about this one.." He says pointing to pictures. I tell him little stories related to each picture, like I had been there for each shot. I turn around at some point because I hear a noise and I'm at Michaels, searching for yarn for a baby blanket for a friend and for a scarf for my mother. I search and search and run down and aisle of yarn that was easily miles long, I take a bend around the corner and I see myself laying down, eyes closed and my baby rolling around in the swollen belly of myself on the ground. My neice and nephew along with my hubby's neices and nephews were crouched around the laying down me.

We stood there, watching my baby press fingers and toes against the laying down me's skin. We counted the fingers and toes. "Aunt B, help her out of there. She doesn't want to be in there anymore." My 5yro neice says, tugging on the standing me's arm.

"She's not ready yet." I say, bending down and cup my palms around the rolling baby like I was helping her out of a puddle, "She needs a few more weeks, then we can meet her." With my hands cupped around the skin shape of a baby the infant in utero presses her face against the belly skin and grins. I withdrawl my hands and take a few steps back.

"She wants to meet you too." My neice smiles up at me and takes me by the hand.

I wake up with serious pressure on my bladder. I had to pee.

I can still remember most everything about that dream. It's been replaying in my head. How creepy everything was. Everywhere in the dream (except Michael's) was covered in dead, brown leaves. I was mortified when I woke up.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Home Stretch!

Pregnant Log
Pregnant: 29 Weeks ]
Mood Swings: Insecure. Weepy. Mess. ]
Cravings: Peanut butter, Waffles, Ice cream, Ice cream. ]

Holy Guacamole!
I have 11 weeks left!
Just eleven weeks!
That's insane!
Look, another exclamation mark!

Okay, I'm done freaking out now... kind of. We still have nothing for the baby. I say nothing but we have a bassinet but no sheets... one skirt and a few stuffed animals. O, and a Bumbo that she can't use until she's a couple months old. I've been hyperventilating about it and Hubby reassures me that it will all fall into place and I shouldn't stress so much. I wish I had his level of confidence.

I have also long acknowledged that I could very well make it two weeks past my due date before they start breathing down my neck about chemically inducing and that nasty C-section thing. I really hope I don't have to have a C-section. That surgery sounds so invasive and scary. My BFF had one but she had TWINS! I just have one. With her first she did it with no chemicals and it was vaginal. I want to be able to do the same with my baby.

This morning I woke up to very distinct karate kicks to my belly button. I propped myself up and just watched my belly jerk and twitch as BabyG wiggled around. I tried to get Hubby to see but she got bashful, I guess. All day today she has made some very prominent kicks in utero. She feels strong and cramped. I guess she's running out of room. Last doctor's visit Doc said, "Ooo, your uterus is swelling nicely." So I guess I'm right on target but cheese and crackers the kicks to my ribs were killer last night!

I watched the Hobbit with some friends and Hubby lastnight. The movie is UH-MAY-ZING by the way. It's a MUST see and we watched it in 3D. Worth it!  I MADE IT THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE WITHOUT HAVING TO GO PEE! Yes, it was that important it needed caps. I was so impressed with myself but BabyG wasn't having it the last 30mins of the film. She was kicking me in what felt like my spine... well, the very back of my rib cage. I stuck it through though! We were all proud of ourselves for not going to the bathroom during the movie. ha. They all had a couple alcoholic beverages before the movie. I have been drinking a couple gallons of water a day. I'm just so thirsty. I've also gained more weight than I anticipated but I'm still within "normal" range but I'm starting to get nervous about losing it once I have the baby.

It's making me very insecure.

I've had this sinking feeling that Hubby is bored with me. (He assures me he is very much in love with me and that I'm a beautiful, sexy, preggosauras.) I can't help it. I just feel like we're drifting apart.... but I can't tell if I'm over-analyzing the situation. (Probably) I keep thinking he is going to leave me. I guess I shouldn't have watched Maury today.... or Teen Mom 2. Those people aren't us. Those situations aren't my situations. We are different. I keep trying to remind myself of these things but pregnancy has really morphed my perception of me to be skewed. I guess because I never really wanted kids to begin with. I remember telling Hubby ages ago, "I don't want kids. I don't want to plan for kids, anyway. If I ever plan for a kid, I will plan to not have a kid." I'm pretty selfish. Well, was selfish. I wanted to be able to drink and go out and party and do whatever, where ever, when ever. I didn't have a crazy teenage phase, I waited until I was well into 21 before I even went to bars and then did all my insane stuff between 22-24 years old. I don't feel like I'm done having a good time either. I want to still have people over and have a good time but be responsible with my kid too. I want to show my kid that having a child isn't the end of my personal life. I will be the example for her. Hubby and I will be her prime example for what love is. My lifestyle choices will give her examples of what is acceptable in a public sector.

Augh, I'm just rambling now. Anyway-- BabyG has some mega ninja kicks and I'm sure in a few weeks I will be able to see her roll over and my whole stomach get all weird shaped and I will probably be a bit grossed out.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Rinse, Wash, Repeat.

Pregnant Log
Pregnant: 28 Weeks ]
Mood Swings: Emotional ]
Cravings: Cereal, pepperoni, chocolate, ice cream ]

The turkey leftovers have long been eaten (or tossed out), Santa is gone, and the big mighty ball has dropped. Now is the time for the whirlwind party that is the end of December to give birth to new life, a new year, and a big ole middle finger to the Mayans. We made it! It's 2013, I'm still pregnant and Hubby is still overworked. What's so different this year?

When the snow melts in places that have snow, and the flowers start to bloom in places that have flowers-- I hopefully will be screaming like a banshee trying to squeeze my little bundle of joy out into the oxygen breathing world. It only seems fitting that I would be giving birth during the time of year that brings new life into the environment around us.

Besides me having a baby, each new year brings back my same new years resolution I have promised myself since becoming an adult. My resolution is less a goal and more a mantra.

"This year will be better than last year. I will smile more, love more and laugh more. Out with the negative, in with the positive."

This year may be the year that I do just that. I felt like the ball got rolling last new years when I decided to break all my comfort zones and "Go hard or go home." Well... I ended up in a completely different state, married to a man and pregnant. Ha, comfort zones demolished! Well, that's not to say I'm uncomfortable but I sure as hell jumped through some firey hoops to get here.

All through 2012 I was reflecting to the previous year and where I was and who I was with during that time of the year. Every time I did those flashbacks I knew I was in a much better place surrounded by much better people. My main sadness of 2012 was moving away from my BFF and her family. If I could do anything different in 2012, it would be to be able to see her more. Maybe 2013 will prove to be fruitful in that area.

It's so nice to be drama free and for the most part stress free too. I see great things in my future for 2013.