Thursday, December 29, 2011

Grow the fuck up

I've decided today that I'm not allowing myself to get a new cellphone until I catch up on at least two bills and fix my windshield.

That's putting me at 60 days without a cellphone. Lucky for me my closest people (sans Mom and BFF) have iPhones so I can iMessage them for free... As long as I have wifi. I'm going to take my time paying Verizon bill off Because otherwise it may be three months before I can be all caught up. I'm so friggin tired of being broke. Having my phone cut off is such a relief. I don't feel like I'm being suffocated anymore. $90 for one person to have a phone is fucking ridiculous. I will never do that again.

I have got to start working out again. I feel bloated with Christmas cheer and it's making me self conscience. I don't feel pretty. I've got to put my foot down and demand some wii fit time, I guess. I need to go get my stuff to do I can get all my gym attire and my computer. Dear baby Jesus, I miss my computer! But I feel like I owe my friend a storage fee for my stuff so that puts me at a dilemma... I can now afford to go get my stuff but can't pay her too. Augh, it's the story of my life.

I hate dating in my hometown. Everyone has some bullshit to say or some opinion. I feel like my new relationship is being tossed into the ball pit at McDonalds and my previous relationships as well as their friends are in there too... And we're all trying to not bump into each other. It's frustrating. It also doesn't help that I'm not thrown into the gossip so I have no idea what's swarming around about me and can only anticipate when it comes full circle.

Another reason I'm okay with no longer having a phone-- no one knows how to get up with me. (Especially those I want to forget about me) I love not getting random drunk texts from exs or couldvebeen's. I like the idea of starting off on a clean slate. When I get a new number very few will get it. I'm ready for a mature life.

I plan on cleaning up my Facebook as well. I'm going to delete whole picture folders and change my info some. I'm going to detach my twitter from my Facebook too. I will be turning 25 in 2012... It's about damn time I stop acting like I have no idea about my endgame goal in life. I don't want to be a drifter anymore. I want to have a homebase and have someone to come home to.

I'm finding out you can be a grown up without having a mundane life. My future keeps getting brighter by the second and I want to be able to harness it's magnitude.


Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Happy Yule

I'm posting via my new iPod.

Gotta say... I'm pretty friggin excited about everything going on in my life right now.

Have you ever felt like everything was coming together? I thought I had before... I fear to speak too soon now but I can't seem to stop these emotions from bursting forth.

I've never had anyone be so sweet and so honest. I've never had someone be so persistent in wanting to be with me...

It's only been a couple weeks and I find myself writing love letters I'm too chicken to give to him. I am completely lost in him.

Yes, him. I never would've thought ether. Needless to say my family is elated at the prospect of me being in a relationship with not only a male but a much loved family friend. I've known him since I was 9 and reconnected with him a few years ago.

A series of events led up to me giving him a chance to take me out... I guess the rest is pretty obvious. I've felt like I've been in an ABC Family Christmas special ever since our first kiss.

Just for the sake of argument I don't think me being attracted to him has anything to do with him being a him.. But everything to do with how he treats me and makes me feel. I feel like it'd be wrong on my part to deny myself a solid chance at something good for me... Especially after my string of let downs and disappointments.

Also, I've decided to not think of my sexuality as a label and have removed myself from anyone that would judge me negatively because I choose to be happy.

In other news I canceled my cellphone so I'm phone less and I'm so broke I'm living off my tips for gas money.

Hooray!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Perplexed.

I feel like I'm not even really here.

I sleep in my 4yr old niece's bedroom on her spare bed.
At a house party at my bff's house I found myself getting a bit too friendly with a guy.
I'm brokebrokebroke. I'm cancelling my cell phone service. It's cheaper to buy out of it and suck it the fuck up.
There are 10 days until christmas.
I work at a sandwich shop now.

Okay, so I feel like I should elaborate on the second one. So basically I'm in my hometown, I have so much history here and know so many people. I've been struggling with how I feel about it all. I don't feel any less gay. He kept telling me he loves me. As in right now. I would try to say it back to him because I do actually love him... but not in the same way as he does for me, I guess. He means so much to me. He's not a bad guy. I actually really enjoyed us hanging out all night.... the other stuff was just drunken stuff, I guess. I mean, I wasn't all that tipsy but he was shwwwaaaasted. I'm lonely right now and I liked how he made me feel and in the morning I was without regret (Although he seemed full of regret) but I guess it did kind of make me question my sexuality. I mean, c'mon.... it was an ex that is a dude.... I've been dating girls for a couple years now. He's the last male I've done anything with... so of course I'm questioning myself.

I'm quite seriously at an intersection in my life. A little bit of my stuff is here with me, a big chunk of it is at my friend's house almost three hours from here and the rest got thrown away or sold. I have no bedroom. My last couple of relationships have been worse than those before. I'm caving in.

It's times like this that people start feeling like giving up... I've actually been in less serious situations in my life that have made me suicidal. This time is different for some reason. Maybe it's because I'm nearing my 25th birthday? I'm not sure. I just feel like everything is free game right now. I just have to unbury myself from these last few debts. I just can't seem to get out of debt. It's crippling. I'm tired of having late fees and budget down to the negatives. My entire life is based off of "If I could only pay this off..." and honestly I'm tired of it.

Okay, so I'm everywhere tonight. I guess I'm halfheartedly fucking up my sexual identification because at this point I feel like there is nothing else I could possibly do to make my situation any worse... and really, I appreciate any positive.... well... anything... right now. But like I said, I don't feel any less gay.

Also, I have had nightmares of becoming pregnant and explaining it to all my homo friends. It's nerve racking. I just... will stick to making sandwiches. Sandwiches are less complicated. Unless you are the BLT lady.

I hate the BLT lady.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Where now?

My relationship has ended. What could've been a quiet exit ended up being a very dramatic one. All tied up with a bow and the police being called.

Yes, seriously.
I've had the cops called on me.
For the first time in my life I had to tell the police I would leave peacefully.

I feel very confused about the entire situation. I will choose to forget it ever happened. I will begin the repression process and delete everything that ever reminded me of her from my life. That's how I heal when something happens so preposterous I can seem to compute it in my brain. It just won't fit. Like how a square peg won't fit into a circle hole. Same thing. Uh-huh.

So I packed up all my stuff with police supervision and turned my key... 

clickclickclick....

clickclickclick.... 

Nothing.

In my attempts to get everything out of the house, I had kept my hatch open for too long and it had killed my battery.

"Do you have jumper cables, ma'am?" The uniformed officer asked.
"Yes, sir." I nod, tears welling in my eyes.
"Then pop your trunk."

He jumps my car and I'm off. The two police officers that showed up to the scene seemed rather confused of why they needed to be there to begin with.... but since my ex is now in the hospital for attempted suicide and I wasn't the one to bring her to the hospital... word on the street is that I manipulated her into killing herself. (Just for clarification: my ex didn't succeed in killing herself and was in no real fear of losing her life.)

First off: I've had a close friend of mine commit suicide. I have a quote tattooed on me from a poem she wrote before said incident. Why the FUCK would I want someone else in my life to do such a thing?

Second off: There isn't a second, because the first off covers everything.

I'm beyond hurt at this point. I can't even be angry. I keep trying to make this individual's problems my own and I just.... can't. I cannot bring myself to feel guilt for someone that did something to themselves. Although I can understand why her friends are firmly against me and are taking my ex's words against mine. They're friends. That's what friends do. I get it. I just hope she realizes that people do love her and I hope she works out the mental issues she had going on that have nothing to do with me but she so sweetly blamed me for rather than just tell the truth.

Things I lost in this relationship:
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer (The entire DVD set.... my biggest loss)
-Some dishes
-Some home decor stuff
-Any hope/aspirations for ever getting into a relationship or even attempt at living with someone in a romantic way

Now... now I have to ask myself... where now?

Greensboro still?
Burlington?
Chicago?
Wilmington?
My parents house?

Monday, November 7, 2011

Paranoia


Paranoia is probably the least attractive trait there can be. Well, one of the front runners anyway.

I've had a panic attack last for hours tonight over paranoia.

Fear of losing all that I've wanted... all that I have... Fear of what could be yanked out from under me at any given moment.

Talk... the talk... the talk that needs to happen.
It's easy to give up when you're too weak to fight.

My chest caves in and I swallow hard... remembering that it's my insecurities that are ruining me. I can't blame my inner most hollow on anyone else. That's frightening all within its self.

It's a me problem, not a you problem.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Could I possibly be any more fucked up? All I wanted was to be in a solid relationship and now that I'm in one I'm fucking up for fear of fucking up... and then my insecurities are ruining me from the inside.
Fuckfuckfuck
Maybe tomorrow I can stop being such a fucking drama queen.

Yeah,
maybe tomorrow.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Words.


Words have more of an impact than people realize.

I love words. I have a dictionary app on my phone. I write. Sometimes I find myself spending an hour or more on the Merriam-Webster website looking up synonyms and Antonyms of words.

Words.words.words.

People take their words for granted. How they say them, how they place them... how they butcher them into non-recognition. Words shape countries, destroy homes and build up a small child when they are feeling down. Words fly through the air, invisible to the naked eye and silent to deaf ears. The spoken word, no matter what language, carries much more weight than anyone realizes.

Watch what you say to people and how you say them. Words aren't meant to be taken lightly but they are. Have you ever said something to someone that you didn't mean but knew it'd upset them? That is a prime example of taking your words lightly. Your words only mean less when you make them as such. Don't cheapen your most powerful weapon.

In these last few weeks I've thought much about my word usage. I have found myself arguing with my new boss quite frequently and his words are used as a manipulative tool to get what he wants out of his employees. While my words, are argumentative to his obvious lack of respect for his employees. (I will probably be fired.... I can feel it) My words get me fired more than not. You'd think I'd learn by now...

I've gotten into an argument with an acquaintance, "No hard feelings" she said while her eyes rolled. That, my friends, is cheapening your words. By lying you are cheapening the value of your words. By manipulating the true meaning of your words you are making the other person value your words less. It is easy to want to do this, to manipulate another by your words-- some even get away with it. You are using your words as a tool, as a muscle, as a power. Don't ever doubt the power of a word.

Doubting the power of words is like forgetting the air brings you oxygen. It's a given, it's something that happens mindlessly. You breathe, your lungs take in the oxygen and dispel the carbon dioxide with each exhale. What happens when the Air decides it'd rather give you carbon instead of oxygen? You choke, you pant, you struggle for oxygen. It's the same concept when you deny others the truth in your statement and skew your words with manipulations. You are taking their oxygen and replacing it with carbon. It's only in due time when they choke out and notice the manipulation-- for their salvation they will discontinue the exchange of words with you.... in search of oxygen.

Without words communication would become obsolete. Without word compilation there is no communication. Without a form of communication...



what are we?

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Victory will be mine.

I'm cleaning out the cob webs and throwing away the beer bottles. I haven't been in my room for weeks. My clothes are still in bags or in my clean clothes basket. My chair is filled with clean unfolded towels and I have dishes lining the wall under the window. (Gross. No food on them though...) I took out my recycling and it took up more space than I had realized... instantly my room got quite cleaner.

I have been living in filth and posing as a person I've hidden in the dust. I quite literally climbed out of the rubble of my existence when I got back from Chicago. Clawing out of the earth like a zombie and gritting my teeth hungrily at the idea of brains. I shambled back into my old life and fell right back into the corporate line of black and gray. I hate myself for it. I hate that I came back to North Carolina although Chicago was so big, so fucking big. I already have an offer of where to live... I just have to tell them when I will arrive. I'm terrified. I thought I would want to, but I'm on the fence.... with the post so far up my ass I can barely move.

I'm having emotional girl problems. Now, don't get me wrong-- I had worked out my "Woe is me, I need a girlfriend. I need one NOW!" kind of drama. I had solved that. I had stopped talking to everyone. For days. Maybe three whole days to be exact. Then I met... her. She breezed into my life and quickly our lives became so in-tangled it took me spending 2 days on a train and 4 days in Chicago to realize we had managed to lose ourselves within ourselves in just a short couple weeks we had before my trip.

Talk about a punch in the gut.

I got something just to have it ripped out from under me again. Then I came home to a bunch of bullshit. Bullshit that was meant to make me feel better but only made me feel worse. Surface problems. Surface problems. Everything is resting on the already angry tides. I'm exhausted on the subject but it doesn't seem to be going away. At this point I'm unsure of wanting to be desired in a relationship. Sex came easier when I was single.... the sex also left in the morning and was replaced by someone new before the sun touched the horizon again. Living was easy but I craved more. Now I have more and I'm starting to think I am better without it.

So much drama. So many other girls. My past haunts me.... haunts her. But our pasts are the same, so why the fuck does it matter? Paranoia. Paranoia. It's all that's left when you want someone so bad it hurts. You crave their affection more than their milky center.

In Chicago I visited like I lived there. Went to their local dive bar, ate at their favorite pizza place... and took the taxi to the pier because we were already too drunk to drive. Took the bus and the subway back home because we didn't want to spend that much money on a taxi to get back home. I walked. I partied. I barely remember most of my last night. I woke up in pajama pants, my shirt from the night previous and still wearing my bra. I was face down and laying sideways on my air mattress and could tell from my sore muscles I hadn't moved since I had collapsed hours before. I saw Lincoln Park and another park I can't seem to remember the name of but had huge glass towers of images being played like on a big screen... and it was a fountain that little kids ran around in half naked on blistering hot days. I felt like I was an blood cell of the city, funneling through the vein to a main artery and hoping one day to reach the heart just to start my cycle over again.

I'm what people go to when everything/everyone else has failed them. I show them the hope for humanity and prepare them for their next step in life... for their next relationship... for their next thing that isn't me. That sounds emo, I know it does... but I can't help but feel that way. I'm starting to just adjust to it. Maybe I should move to Chicago. It's not exactly running away from something when you're in the pursuit of finding something, right? I need to start selling stuff. Selling stuff, saving money and paying off this damned computer. Once I pay off this damned computer I won't be in debt anymore and can get the hell out of this transitional town.

On a side note (that isn't so depressing) I "performed" for the first time in years last night. I read something I wrote and shook with nerves. I heard a few "Hmm"s and "O shit"s when I read... so I think I did pretty okay. It makes me want to practice some of my stuff and really put on a show. Claim my ground and get that high of performing again. I've got enough I want to say and be heard. I will do it.

Victory will be mine.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

NahNahNah... I can't hearrr youuuu



I want to talk about the, "I'ma ignore you until you go away" in the dating scene. I don't like it. I don't like it when it happens to me and I don't like the feeling I have when I do it to someone else. I've had it happen to me a couple times... the no response after a couple days of trying to get up with someone. The unanswered phone calls back in middle school when I just wanted them to talk to me. The anguish, the questions... the "What did I do so wrong that would permit such silence?" I'm here to break down that barrier and feed it to you on the real.

When someone ignores you to make you go away, or one-word-answers you into a stupor it may be for a wide range of things. Some may actually be you; while others may simply not be you at all. Always consider the possibility that that other person is a chicken-shit, asshole.

Always ask yourself, "How long have I known this person?"  
If you answer the question: Just one date/That night at a bar/One night stand/At that party that one night/We only know each other kind of through some people.
Get over it. Honestly. Get. Over. It. Who cares? They don't respond to you after two days?-- Move on. No harm, no fowl. It fucking sucks to give someone the, "You're a great person, just not for me." conversation... because then you have to go through the whole "But, why?" from them and you really don't have anything legit to say... it's all kind of fluffy bullshit. If the vibes aren't there, something was said that rubbed them the wrong way, something small but significant like that... (or they are actively talking to three others and it just wasn't your time to shine) it's cool. Don't let it hurt your feelings. People are people and they're allowed to feel that way without anything really being wrong with you. Especially if you barely know this person. Seriously-- it's okay. Sometimes things are just better left unsaid.

Okay, then ask yourself: "What happened last time we were together?"
Now... really evaluate this one. Take time on it. I'm a little obsessive so I replay conversations quite often in my head. I track body movements and how the words were expressed. Did you say something that they openly disagreed with? Maybe it was something small (to you) but it weighed pretty heavy on their side. Maybe it's something that really pissed them off and you DID do something wrong... but you've already sent that txt going, "Uhh, did I do something wrong?" and got no response... what to do now? Nothing. Don't do a thing. It's whatever. If that person really wants you in their life, they will respond when they are ready. If you keep pestering them every day or every hour... they probably won't ever respond to you and will make every attempts at avoiding you whenever possible. I do, however, think that maybe checking in after it's been a couple weeks is legit. If you still get no response, it's been a few weeks-- that's not insane. Just send a solitary txt along the lines of, "Hey, hows it going?" If there is still no response, it's whatever. You tried, they know you tried-- leave it at that.

Check their facebook/twitter/blog/whatever
No, seriously-- do it. E-Stalk them a bit. Did they delete/block you? Is there someone else liking their pictures or status messages? Is there someone else posting cutesy things or ANYTHING on their page that may seem like you've been replaced? If so, there ya go. It isn't you-- it's someone else. They "won". It's cool. If you're in the dating scene, never assume that you are the only person this other person is macking on. Fo'real... don't be an idiot. Did you read my other blog entry about this? Okay, so now you know. They're just not talking to you because you aren't in their thought process. Again, not your fault. Whatever it is about you just didn't fit their life right now. It's alright. I mean, yeah, shit hurts... but what can you do about it? Call them and leave them an angry voicemail? Txt them about how upset you are and how lied to you feel? What will that solve? NOTHING. It will just make you look batshit crazy and when that other person fucks up... they won't be coming to you for some "I'm so sorry I blew you off" lovings. 
Just sayin'.

Is it around the holidays or anniversary of some kind?
Maybe that person just needs a minute alone. There are a couple weeks out of the year that I refuse to communicate with someone that isn't in my close circle of people. I'm either too busy or too emotionally unavailable and I don't see the point. I can't bring myself to communicate with someone that may not understand or someone I will have to explain my situation to. I don't want to. I refuse to. It just makes me annoyed at the prospect of seeing the sad eyes and the shallow "I'm sorry" about shit they have nothing to do with. I just need that time by myself. Some days I shut my phone off and ignore everyone. Some days I feel so flooded with bullshit and my own shit that I hide my phone from myself in my room and take a walk... or just leave... or just sit in my room with my music too loud and paint. It has nothing to do with whoever I'm not responding to at the time, and everything to do with me. Sometimes I just cut people from my life. Snip, Snip. Just like that. Nothing personal-- I just felt like I needed to downsize socially. Sometimes I accept those people back in at a later date-- sometimes I do not. I know I'm not the only person to do this, so I don't take it personally when I can tell that's what is happening to me. I always think, "Well, maybe at a different time in life," and call it a day.

Maybe they are just an asshole.
Some people are just assholes. They blow people off because it makes them happy inside. They like the chase and the attention. They like the panting, the tease... the "you could have this but I'ma only call you when I want some booty" kind of shit. It works for them and you enable it by allowing it to happen to you. One can only be toyed with but for so long. Don't be a dog, waiting for a treat. Just don't do it. You are better than that. That song Cooler Than Me always pops into my head when I find myself in this scenario. I give that song a couple days to surface in my head before I just back off and then they are the ones I'm blowing off. Honestly-- fuck'em. Well, not in the literal sense.... but you got me, right? No one is worth a game. As an adult-- that shit is so passe and ridiculous. I'm twenty fucking four years old. If I feel like I'm having high school angst over your ass-- don't be surprised if I don't give a shit if you blow me off or feed me some lines. Chances are I'm on to it and either
a) am being a fool for a moment
b) am using you back for something I want
As you can tell I am a little angry about that subject...

But yeah. I hope that helps some. For the most part I try my best not to ignore anyone without reason or at least tell them why I'm blowing them off. It's a respect thing. Chances are if I am blowing you off now it's for one of these reasons... but the last one. I try my best not to be a blatant asshole.

Try, I said try.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

It's fucking trendy to be who you are.




I walked to work yesterday. It's 2.6 miles and took me about 45mins.. give or take. It was an easy walk but towards the last quarter mile I got reallyreally thirsty. On the way there I was also pretty sweaty because the sun was out and even though it's cooled off considerably in the last week or so... that sun still doesn't give a fuck. I decided I needed to walk since riding the bike just seemed like too much work and I'm terrified of riding a bike in the middle of the night on a busy highway (or even the non-hwy route that could be darker) without lights or anything like that. At least walking I am confidant in my ability to run away or pull my knife. (Yes, I carry a knife. Every diva needs a weapon.)

It gave me lots of time to slow down and think about things. On my walk home I listened to the world around me and soaked up the nightlife of Greensboro. My allergies are also fucking up in a serious way. I'm growing concern for my eyesight. I keep getting blurry areas and when I wake up it takes REAL effort to be able to see again. I have also lost my allergy eye drops... again. Fuck. I take them with me as often as possible because the drops drain right back into my sinuses. It's like liquid gold.... granting me wishes of eyesight and proper breathing habits. But anyway... back to what I was saying...

The walk home last night was great. Although I will be bringing a flashlight tonight for my walk back. I stay on a very lit highway but there are a few sections that I almost busted my face on. (Being a clutz + not seeing your own feet = DEVASTATION!) It also probably didn't help that I danced a bit. Pandora was being amazingly on point playing stuff that wasn't actually similar to Tegan & Sara but was awesome all the same. (Hence the song I have on this blog) I don't even think that's the right mix... but it's whatever.

Okay, I'm officially buzzing from coffee. I've been listening to entirely too much Lady Gaga, Britney Spears and Marina & the Diamonds. I'm on a Pop-binge. It's similar to eating 150 Twinkies and then doing it again the next day.... without shame. I don't even give a fuck that pop isn't trendy anymore. Twelve year olds thrive in it and twenty-somethings snub their nose at it publicly and then blare that shit in their car or play the youtube videos while they browse the web. It's trendy to not like something because everyone else does. I say, fuck'em. It's fucking trendy to be who you are. Simple as that. Whoever thinks otherwise is probably wearing the latest name brand and riding the latest band-wagon anyway.

So yeah... I'm going to walk to work again... leaving an hour early is a great filler for my non-existent life. I had much more I wanted to blog about but I just find myself rambling and listing off band names instead of actually saying anything worth-while. Did I mention my tattoo is itching SO BAD?! yes... I want to pull that skin off and scrub it against a washboard. I actually woke up at 6am because it tingled and ached and itched so bad I had to coat it up with lotion before drifting back off to sleep. Whattabitch.

Who needs drugs when you have coffee?

Monday, September 12, 2011

Would you linger?

That thought.
That passed just now.
 How did it feel?
Would you linger?
Right now?
With me?

I had a very interesting night last night. I hung out with a chick that I tried to date... not one of my most serious attempts but my first attempt since I had officially decided to not be involved with thee ex. It was nice in a masochistic way. I spilled my heart out. I told her exactly how hurt she had left me. How I knew she had lied to me about being with her ex boyfriend behind my back. Countless times. How I know I was nothing but a filler to her... nothing else. How I understood that she only wants me now only because I'm not an option anymore.

It was liberating.

She sat there, head turned, eyes slightly narrowed... lips pressed together. All she had left was apologies and, "I didn't mean some of those things in that way." That's all she had to offer me. "You weren't exactly a rebound... I just don't know how to separate myself from him in a way that would allow me to be with someone else." and my favorite: "I can't believe I said that to you... I mean, I know I did... but I can't believe I would say that."

We talked until around 5am. I picked up my phone and opened my UberSocial app today and entered the words, "Telling the girl that hurt your heart exactly how you feel & girl still wanting to be a friend. #awkward" I deleted awkward and replaced it with #winning and then replaced that with #justthatgood then I deleted the whole thing. It felt weird to triumph over being able to express myself in the way I wanted and it actually ending up pretty okay. I mean, I'm by no means trying to get back with this girl (That ship has sailed so far down it's already semi-ported at another station... got me?) and by no means am I wishing her the worst... I just know that she doesn't deserve the opportunity to be with me in that way. And now she knows it too.

I've been such a deadhead today from staying up so late. I have a special ringtone that goes off and my lips gently form into a subtle smile. I sigh, trying to contain my hopeful feeling and remember all I've learned about myself and my situations this last year. 23 Days until Chicago. I haven't talked to my Drummer friend in a couple weeks... but she's been in Europe with her woman, so I guess they just haven't returned yet or she's in the whirl-wind of "I've been gone in a different fucking country for weeks and now I have to adjust to actual reality once again" and I just haven't been a priority. Which is fine, because honestly all I want is her to be all, "Yeah, man. We're still on. See ya in October, woman!!!" and that be that. It will make my over-anxious paranoia calm down. That will take maybe a few seconds of her time and there are very many seconds before the 5th of October.

There has been a lot of fights lately on my corner. One of the collective and I spoke about it the other day. We swapped stories of hearing angry words hurled between strangers. We decided that fighting is lame. Sometimes I feel like I'm a stage hand for Jersey Shore... North Carolina Hipster Edition. As I type this right now there are yells of: "Fuck you" "Ahhhh! hahahaha" and a sound something similar to a very angry Rooster. Drunk bitches. Go figure. The first week school was back in full-swing it was about 10:30pm and I had laid down to watch a movie. It was still blueblack outside, right before the sun had given up on us for the day.

"You're a fucking cunt!" He exclaims.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" she says.
"I don't know what the fuck your problem is!" I can hear him moving his arms around while he speaks.
"Just take me to my car, Just take me to my car" she is sobbing, begging.
"What the FUCK is your problem?!" He is very angry. They were standing in the middle of the street, the girl walking and the dude trailing behind her.
"Just take me to my GODDAMNED car!" She sobs, apologetically.

I wanted to yell from my balcony, "No honey. Call a friend. Don't go anywhere with that asshole." But I refrained. I just laid in bed and rolled my eyes. I replayed the same scenario in my head but if it had been two lesbians instead...

"You're a fucking cunt!" Girl1 exclaims.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Girl2 sobs.
"You should'a thought twice before you got all cute with that dude!" Girl1 states.
"You should'a fucking paid more attention to me, bitch!" Girl2 screams back.
The girls sternly look at each other.
"Fuck this, I'm walking home. Fuck you." Girl1 screams and starts walking in opposite direction.
"No, babe! No!" Girl2 yells, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! You know I don't fuck boys anymore!"
"Yeah, sure!" Girl1 yells over her shoulder, trying to keep walking.
"Babe! Seriously! I'm fucking sorry! Let's just go home! Let's go home together!" Girl2 is really sobbing now.
Girl1 turns around and rolls her eyes, "Fine. But don't fucking talk to me on the way there."

Okay, so girls can be hostile too, but basically that's how lesbian fights pan out. They can get insane... but generically... they're like that. In my experience, anyway.... from witnessing and being a part of it. Girls are crazy. We all are and most of us realize this. We know we overreact to things, we realize we say dumb shit... we are all attention whores. (Just all various degrees of each of those things I just mentioned) So... because of that... sometimes when two girls are fighting, as a couple, we sometimes forget who was wrong and why and if it's just being blown out of proportion because there are two vaginas involved.... not to mention she gives you that look that makes you get all gooey and you just want to fuck and get the argument behind you. hah. Okay, maybe not that last part... but you get what I'm saying.

Then, just a few days ago there was an argument between band members. The lead singer and the bassist (from what I gathered) and the lead singer was hitting his van and evicting the guy from the van. (I don't know if that means the guy actually LIVED in there or just kept equipment in there) It was an interesting argument, although I only heard the lead singer's side of it... the bassist wasn't as crazy yelly as the lead singer was.

I feel like this house is the fly on the wall and the bars on the corner are the people who do the dumb shit the fly gets to snicker about.

I love this place.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

New Ink: Feelin' Sleek

New ink makes a girl happy.
(Especially when the side affect is everyone keeps telling me I'm sexy)


Please, keep calling me sexy.
I like it.


I was well past due for legit ink. Not just something small. Although my Marina & the Diamonds tattoo was flawless and exactly what I wanted... it's still considerably small compared to the... well.. chest piece... on the neighboring collarbone. Now I have to figure out how to make it even and have a full chest piece... *sigh* Okay... so maybe I won't... who knows? I was never going to get a large chest piece... I actually thought it was kind of tacky (Well, some of them) and very hipster. I'm unsure how I feel about being hipster.




I've had a song on repeat...




It is meeeeeeee. OmiGeez. On the real.

Man the nerve of this bitch
Pardon my French
But it's been 10 days
And I'm getting kind of light headed
Maybe I'll write her a letter in a gentleman's way
And send it with the hopes that she might get it
I can't believe I let her run all over me
But all I think about is
When she's here and holding me
I love her
She's the reason for the lesions
Man I love her
I start bleeding when she's leaving
And every scar on my fingertip is a reminder of
All the lessons learned
All my missions trying to find her and
I can't complain
I kind of like the pain
She ain't even got a name
She just lives in my brain
Just sayin'.

But yeah... anyway. It's been an interesting couple of weeks to say the least. 25 days until I'm in Chicago. I'm elated. Everything else is on suspension until then. It's a good feeling. To be all, "Eh, I'm not doing shit until I get back from Chicago." or "I will just deal with that issue when I get back from Chicago and I'm really hoping it blows over before I get back" and all my social situations are up in the air. I would prefer to not to commit to anyone or anything until I get cynosure on where I want to end up. Everything is an eyebrow raise and a question right now.... and it's liberating.

Also, I can tell a difference in my crazy. It's less crazy. I've mellowed out. I'm not too hopeful during situations and I'm not ruling anything out either. It's a happy medium of "maybe one day, but if not that's cool too" which is glorious and spectacular compared to my previous aspect on life. I'm starting to feel more me and less like that other thing I was.

Maybe it's all that self-inflicted tattoo pain? Maybe it's happiness in the form of a pretty girl? Maybe it's just me being real and actually not giving a shit so much anymore?

ehh... whatever it is...


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Right Align Sigh



Being in my room makes me feel sick to my stomach.

It's the scene of a crime I've been committing.

I just can't help myself... can't stop myself... won't stop it from happening.

No true regret, just earnest lust and hopeful disposition.
Lots of positions.

It's wrong... I know it is... I'm setting myself up for an unfair heartbreak. I'm even getting lied to and know it... but it's forgivable. I'm no fool. I sense these lies and ignore them accordingly. Why? So I can get off? Maybe... Because I want to pretend what we have is more? Absolutely.

Sigh.

I know it's not more. Don't be confused. This is just me grumbling, to myself.. and to those who lurk this blog in hopes to find some greasy, dirtydirt on me. (Or you're just nosey) Either way. Yeah. Here I am. Being played like a fiddle.

And liking it.
(A bit too much)

On the surface anyway. I mean... it's not like I enjoy the game, that's not so much a game, because I was never mislead about the outcome. Also, constant reminders of the omitted truth surface and I am left, head sagging... kicking myself... because I can't even be mad about it. I don't really want to be mad about it either, seems like too much work. Too much effort to get all nutso and demand attention from someone who isn't doing anything wrong... per se.

Maybe I'm just not meant for this type of thing?

I remember telling her, "I don't do relationships anymore" I re-read that sent txt for days after sending it. It burned in my throat and made my pupils dilate as I slithered my eyes around the open space around that printed txt, which bounced off of a satellite somewhere and was delivered to her phone... impartial to what it might mean to me. Not once did that satellite think, "O shit, she didn't mean to send that. Heh, *delete* Never happened." Instead... it sent, within seconds... like it was a brief breeze on a spring day... everyone felt it but no one particularly cared either way. Well, I cared. A great deal. I felt fake when I typed it, resented when I sent it and weighed down once it confirmed it had been delivered. Not that it matters. In this situation the worst case scenario is that I begin to receive no attention what so ever if my feelings are ever expressed, wholeheartedly.

But is just being a flesh covered, organic, blow up doll acceptable?
Really?

I don't know... I'm so sexually under-stimulated and she's so very good at fixing that for me... It's a dilemma I face and I'm greatly unsure of how I would like it to come to pass as it were. It's weighing me down though, I know that much.

Sigh.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Lesbian Internet Dating aka Pen Pals via Internet


Either FireFox hates me or I black out when I type things.

Do you know how embarrassing it is to type not only the wrong word, but misspell it terribly?
So. Frustrating.

It's also not a turn on, I'm sure. I'm trying a stab at online dating. Well, not getting into a relationship with people via the interwebs, but rather finding people on the interwebs that I may want to spend some time with in real life. My word choices and wording has been atrocious. I feel like I need to proof read everything three times before I send a response and yet I still fucking fail at getting it right. I'm not avid at my attempts right now, but more or less enjoying conversation with someone I might have never otherwise gotten acquainted with. It's also fun to see how people describe themselves. I read their resume and critique them like I'm sure they do me. I even come across people I've seen around town and I'm all omigodface and wonder if they even would place me if I inquired. (By "Around town" I mean "I probably drunkenly hit on them while at a bar")

I also ask myself: Should I be embarrassed?
Nah, I tweet too much bullshit to be embarrassed about being caught on a dating site by someone I barely know.

I'm also very interested in the blogs that people link via their profiles. I'm finding fantastic ones. I think I may just take up dating their blogs. It's like dating them but in a creepy.internet.stalker way. Well, maybe not creepy... since I won't be googling them until I find their home address or anything. That's just too much work for me. I prefer to read their sentences and find my common interests amongst their words, wondering if they'd read my blog in the same manner.

Dating sites always amaze me in the way that (generally speaking) people assume these sites are for casual sex only. I also think the approach to online dating is very different if you are heteromale or heterofemale. By being a lesbian it is my duty to find a wife that I will want to spend most of my time with and possibly get an animal together with. (Okay, so not really.) I guess you could say I fail horribly in that aspect. I am just interested in finding a lady to spend some cutesy relationship-like time with. Not to mention-- the coolest profiles I find the chicks are in an entirely different state and/or already involved with someone in their real life existence. I'm not only discouraged by this, it also proves my theory of where I am isn't for me. When I first joined the site it gave me a list of worst states and best states I would probably find a date. I thought it was interesting and a cruel joke at my expense.

My Best States:
1.  Oregon
2.  Massachusetts
3.  Vermont
4.  Colorado
5.  California 

Obviously I don't live in any of those states... and honestly, I have no desire to even visit those listed. Well, maybe Cali but Colorado? Fucking seriously? I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than even spend 10mins in that state. (No offense to anyone who likes it there. Honestly, I've never even been there to judge it properly) It's so landlocked it makes me claustrophobic to even consider it. So right off the bat-- the website, built for finding love, was giving me the middle finger at my aspirations of finding someone that might even likelike me. I mean... come on... couldn't they have at least told me somewhere I might want to move? Or maybe even list a state that is an easy days drive?

My Worst States:
1.  Arkansas
2.  Mississippi
3.  Oklahoma
4.  Alabama
5.  West Virginia

Go ahead, laugh it out. I sure did. I remember a big, belly laugh and covering my mouth to stifle the audacity bubbling up within me as I read the worst state list. I would like to say they made this list purely off of my homo-status and called it a day. Is anyone really surprised by this? No, not at all. Well, I didn't expect you to be.

Then, they continued with the waving of such a rude gesture in my face, tauntingly, as they continued these fancy lists of countries I would be better and worst suited.

My Worst Countries:
1.  Indonesia
2.  Philippines
3.  Malaysia
4.  Thailand
5.  Singapore

No 3rd world countries. Check. I mean... really... this has to be another homo judgement. But then again, America is pretty shitty on the homo-front and it has the means to be more accepting but the Religious Doctrine that is drenching our Politics is just disastrous and holding us back... but that's a-whole-nother blog.

My Best Countries:
1.  Austria
2.  Israel
3.  Belgium
4.  Greece
5.  Switzerland

Again with the sadface. I mean, those all sound like amazing places but with my feeble income I highly doubt I will spent any amount of time in any of those places to find love. It's a nice thought though.... I could be all Elizabeth Gilbert and return home with a paid book deal, focus and lots of sexy time under my sarong. (or whatever the local fashion is)

So yeah... there is is. hah, I never wanted to tell people I had joined a dating site, but I figured what the fuck... more people are on one than you'd expect and there is no shame. Seriously, unless you are using it to find your next murder victim-- Keep on keepin' on!

Just sayin'

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Partial Sunshine.

Have you ever looked in a mirror and was startled by what you saw? Wondering how you could look the way you do but feel so different?

I am someone entirely different in my head. In my head: I am a little heavier, my hair is a bit bigger and my smile is a little less crooked.... but when I gaze at my reflection and see a beautiful, skinny girl staring back at me I get petrified. I am wasting away. I've grown up. My face is older now, it seems like it's hiding so much knowledge behind those sea-green eyes and I need to know what those eyes know.

I find myself examining myself in a mirror as if I'm looking at a stranger, playing a staring contest... waiting for that other person to break down and spill their guts. For this stranger, this beautiful stranger, to tell me what I'm doing wrong and how to correct it. She tells me I'm not actually broken, I'm not as damaged as I perceive myself. She tells me without moving her lips that I can do whatever I put my mind to, because I've done it countless times before. Overcoming isn't an obstacle, it's just the space between sentences.

I create things and re-expose myself to it dauntlessly until I'm submerged in it, drowning in it. I'm convincing myself I'm some horrible green fuzzy monster and everyone else is just humoring me until I lull myself into a safe-submissive place where I think I'm not as exposed anymore.... only to look down and find my heart in hand, blood trickling down to my elbow... wondering when I ever ripped it out. I quietly; gently shove my heart back up into my ribcage wincing at the pain I should've felt as I removed it in the first place. Blood all down my front, pooling at my feet. I frown, trying to convince tears to surface in my eyes.... but nothing. I'm just left there in a pool of my own blood, wondering how I ended up so exposed.

I'm learning how not to be so broken about being broken... now if only I could stop being such a romantic about it I may have a chance. I'm learning how to be a friend first... how to put my intentions up front but only at their pace.... it's all about vibes and feelings. If it's there, it's there... if it's not, it won't be. I get told I put myself out there too much and then again I get told I'm not out there enough. So I'm just going to be "there" where-ever "there" may be. I figure if I hang out with enough people I am bound to come across someone who might want to get to know me well, without drama and without too much sacrifice. Now, I'm not actively throwing myself into social situations prowling around with a second agenda. I'm to the point now where it'd be nice, but I've already turned purple from holding my breath about it... so now I have caved and started breathing like normal. It's strange how one has to have a mental breakdown to realize how silly one looked in the process of getting there.

No, I'm not okay, but I'm getting better. My main problem is I invest too much emotions too quickly... or not quick enough. It's the balance I feel will only occur when the situation enables it to. I see myself for who I actually am now. I'm not grotesque/disfigured nor am I crazy or surpassingly depressed. Something deep inside of me is making it painfully obvious that I'm not as crazy and ugly as I imagine myself. Before, looking in the mirror was me looking past myself. Now... I look directly into my own eyes and know better. I know better than to think any less than myself.

I guess you could say my confidence is coming back in full force, without my consent. I have nothing left to do but welcome it and smile.... even when the darkness tells me to frown.

Also, I don't have a girl to blame for this sudden change of mind.
It's all me.


Just me.
xoxo

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Homo-wha?

I'm trying to form a blog. Compose words into meaning. Type things that would entice your thought process and even maybe change your mind about a few things.

There is something about seeing a natural disaster that sets everything in perspective. Something that triggers the, "this is bad, but it could always be worse" mindset. The ache in your gut that there was nothing physically possible in stopping what has already occurred. The fleeting feeling that you've left emotional struggles to face head-on the physical ones.

I left Greensboro in haste. I was pretty much an emotional wreck. Not a slow moving train or sinking ship... but a fully submerged vessel still glub-glubbing to the bottom and a derailed train, doing flips down an endless cliff. Both at the same time.
Yes, that serious.

I arrived at night and by the mask of darkness my hometown seemed pretty normal until I went to park in my mother's yard. I had to wedge my car in between fallen branches and chopped up tree. My mom's yard is huge and I couldn't find a place to park... anywhere. Her entire yard was covered by branches and fallen trees. It was really bad, the worst I've ever seen it. We spent 12hrs cleaning up that mess and I got to see the neighborhood in the sun as I traveled to my sister's house. Everyone seemed to be outside picking up pieces of trees, sweat pouring down their face and their eyes squinting.

The next day I saw my grandmother's house and words can't even describe how horrible her yard looked. Now remember, I'm saying how terrible it is and I didn't even have time to see the worst part of the county. It's terrible... Humbling, frightening and personal in an impartial way. Irene didn't care who she fucked up, she just did what she was built for, large gusts of wind in a circular motion until something in the climate/landfall/cold front either made it change direction or dissipate. The whole community is coming together. People would drive past my grandma's house and txt or call my sister or mom and offer to come over and help with clean up. (Yes, it was that bad) There is a man from down the street from my grandma that keeps breaking his tractor trying to help us with clean up. Today he got a screwdriver in his tire. No blame, no anger, just "I'ma fix it and be back tomorrow" and he then shows up, ready to go.

This was exactly what I needed, I'm just sad for the reasons I was needed back home but they have proven to be fruitful. My family and I have been on edge since... well, I was 12 years old. The catalyst was when I came out of the closet at 21. My family and I have been on eggshells ever since. Each visit was spent with polite conversation and me just listening to their current events and them never asking me anything about my life. I'd go home feeling jipped and jaded. Maybe it's because this visit the focus was on a common goal? I'm unsure, but this visit was the first visit I've ever felt a part of the family, not just an alien visitor. It was delightful.

I came home late yesterday afternoon and had to call out of work because traffic was just horrid through Raleigh (as always, I hate that place) and I had spent a bit too long in Wilmington working out some brainstorming ideas with some really awesome chicks that help run Homoground. I'm so honored to be apart of the group and support such an adventurous idea. The chick that runs it is truly amazing to have put this all together basically alone and make it happen. I'm hoping that my radio insight and my obsession with writing everything down keeps me in the position of always being able to be apart of this project.


Suddenly I've gotten entirely too ADD to finish this post... 

So sorry.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Clean-Up

I arrived in my hometown at 3am yesterday morning, woke up around 7:30am and worked in my mom's yard until around 7pm. There is still a HUGE tree down in the backyard, but it's tucked behind the barn and isn't so bad. My uncle and cousin came out to help with the clean up. We hauled large limbs with rope and the fourwheeler. It was hardwork but still a lot of fun. We talked, joked and all got sunburnt together. I have cuts and scrapes all over.

That night we fired up the grill and had about a dozen people milling around the house, my mom is the only on in the extended family that still has power. My dad's mom had 4ft of flooding on her lower level where his sister was staying. (My aunt lost everything) They showed up to get some food and take a shower. The pained expressions on their faces was deeply creased in and you could tell they were distracted by what was waiting at home for them once they left my mother's powered, well-fed home.

The feast was supplied by the contents of my sister's fridge and freezer that is slowly going bad in coolers on the patio. My mom's fridge is stuffed to the brim, trying to save anything we can. I'm so well fed I can barely move. Out of the 3 different meat versions of burgers, chicken breasts and a rather large pork loin we grilled there was only one burger and a couple slices of pork loin left. Everyone was grateful for the opportunity to chow down in an air conditioned enviroment and my sister was happy that the food didn't end up in the trash. The local fire dept is giving away bags of ice and bottled water. We're using bottled water to make coffee, freezing them to keep the food in the cooler from spoiling and drinking them with gusto as we haul peices of nature out of our way.

I saw my mom mom's house for the first time today. It is devastating and she still has her house. So many have lost much more than she has, and it's still very painful to see. My grandmother has lost a barn and a couple 100yro+ trees... but we're all very grateful they fell away from the house and no one was hurt. I've only been as far as my parent's house and this entire neighborhood is trashed, there is a tree in someone's house 3 doors down, there are trees cut in the middle so you can travel on the road. There is a tree against the church I grew up in and downed powerlines everywhere. There is a group of five electrical vehicles going around working as a really large group to pushed erect the leaning powerlines and reconnect/mend the fallen lines.

My middle school is closed. Done. Finished. The flooding was too bad, they are saying if it does open it may be well after christmas due to repairs and replacing the floors and walls. It has to be gutted. (Everyone is 80% sure it will be condemned and have to be knocked over) Teachers are being shifted or losing their positions, they are splitting up the grades amongst the primary, highschool and elementry school buildings. There is absolutely no school for anyone until next tuesday. In the district I went to school in there are people who now have foundations of their houses and nothing else. They lost more than the contents of their fridge and a couple trees, they lost everything they've ever worked for.

Like I said, I have not gone that far in the county but just seeing my childhood neighborhood gives me an idea of how terrible it is farther down in the county. We've pulled together as a family and a community. My uncle who helped us clear my mom's yard up is being pulled in so many directions and is trying to handle the guilt of not being able to help everyone who asks him. His sidejob is lawncare and right now everyone wants his attention whenever possible. As we stood in my grandmother's yard, jagged tree limbs towering over us he spoke of feeling the weight of not being able to help everyone who has been asking him... he felt like he wasn't helping anyone at all. He didn't count cleaning up the yards of his family as help... that was just a given. Being able to clean up other people's yards, that was helping.

I know that deeper in the county will be a slow recovery but they will recover. I feel for them and hope them the best.... I also wish I had more than just words of encouragement for all of them.