Green Around the Gills

I am very early on in this pregnancy. I haven't gone to a doctor yet. I'm at week 7.

My morning sickness is getting physical. Not only do I feel nauseous I have actually puked. So it was only once but it was carrot juice, okay? Carrot juice coming up is not so much fun. The smell is horrible and warm carrot juice is not a tasty treat. I can't bring myself to drink any today and this morning I was so sick feeling I even forgot to take my prenatal vitamin because the thought of eating anything made me queasy.

 I bought a book yesterday. The more I read the more it freaks me out. Some of the information I've gathered as brought me some comfort but for the most part it even made me nervous about drinking water from any faucet because it might have touched a lead pipe and therefore will make me hemorrhage and die. It instructs those with animals with a flea collar to not touch the flea collar. Could you imagine the panic of petting your doggie or kitty and then all of a sudden, "OMG, I TOUCHED THE COLLAR, IKILLEDMYBABY, ZOMG, FREAKOUTFREAKOUTFREAKOUT"

Yeah, that would be me. Luckily we don't have an animal but there are so many fears associated with being a pregnant woman. "I'm going to have to get you a tazer gun" says Hubby, "Pregnant women are more prone to attacks." O great, lets just add that to my fear of anything I eat, the air I breath and accidently touching a flea collar. That makes me feel peachy. "You need to start driving my tuck," He has said to me before, "Your car isn't that safe. I don't trust it if you get into a car wreck." He says. My tiny little eco-car really isn't built for protection... got ya... but what was I before I got infected with his DNA? Chopped liver? C'mon, man... why am I so fragile now?

I'm prone to being paranoid. Yes, let's start with that insight. I have a grand fear of being arrested for something that I didn't do, zombies, spiders, dust, and closed in dark places. As you can see, I carry very irrational fears around in my pocket every day. Spiders? I know some of you guys share this fear but how many of you have been BITTEN by a spider?! I have! I slept through it, even! I had a weird bruise/swollen area on my collarbone for WEEKS! I could've died and slept through my demise! No fighting chance at all! The cop thing... well, I blame that on my parents. "Buckle your seatbelt or that nice police man will carry you off and then you'll never see mommy again!" Yay for fear mongering your kids until it developes a real fear!

So, now that you know my top five fears I can now add to my paranoia because I'm carrying a living thing inside of me. I always viewed pregnancy as a scene from Alien vs Predator when the baby alien bursts through the chest of unsuspecting people. Fear, anger... no matter how dead those people always looked they seemed to scream and scream and scream while the alien life form crawled out of their ribcage. All of my closest friends either was pregnant, had small children or became pregnant while I was friends with them. I got to experience their pregnancies by proxy. Since I was their close friend they didn't sugar coat anything with me, "I puked for two hours straight yesterday." and "I feel like they're in there boxing my lungs and using my ribs as a xylophone!" Fear. Fear, I have. I'm just beginning! This is the beginning of a very long year. Luckily it's going to be during the winter but winter has always made me uncomfortable to begin with... and now I get to wear tons of clothes over my huge body and overheat and feel fat and bloated. I could complain for days. I'm glad it's not during the summer though because Louisiana heat isn't a joke! The air is so thick outside it's hard to be out there for long. Part of me thinks that if I consentrate on all the negative things then if it goes much smoother and not so bad then I can truly appreciate it. I keep mentally preparing myself for anything horribly wrong that could happen. That way, I'm not dumbstruck or think, "This could never happen to me and the baby" because in my head it already has.... seven times. I'm not stressing myself out too much though, just staying realistic about the entire thing. Shit happens, ya know?

I also have lost all desire for work. I just want to be home, curled up in a ball, sleeping the day away. Laying down makes me less sickly feeling. I'm exhausted. I wake up sometimes and get a good thirty minutes of feeling completely normal, completely rested and ready to take on my day. That feeling is usually quickly taken away from me the first time I bend over to reach for something or think about food. I feel terrible. Work being so slow also doesn't help. I don't want to just hold down a chair, I want to work when I'm at work. It also doesn't help that work hasn't been so awesome lately too... soooo much drama and adults acting like children. It seems like ever since I realized I was pregnant this job lost all importance to me. I don't have the drive I had before. I think I'm too sidetracked with my own drama in my head to focus. I know that it's horrible to say, I just got this job... but at what cost? My body is making it difficult enough for me to function,

I just don't have the energy to worry about childish bullshit at work too.

It's fucking trendy to be who you are.

I walked to work yesterday. It's 2.6 miles and took me about 45mins.. give or take. It was an easy walk but towards the last quarter mile I got reallyreally thirsty. On the way there I was also pretty sweaty because the sun was out and even though it's cooled off considerably in the last week or so... that sun still doesn't give a fuck. I decided I needed to walk since riding the bike just seemed like too much work and I'm terrified of riding a bike in the middle of the night on a busy highway (or even the non-hwy route that could be darker) without lights or anything like that. At least walking I am confidant in my ability to run away or pull my knife. (Yes, I carry a knife. Every diva needs a weapon.)

It gave me lots of time to slow down and think about things. On my walk home I listened to the world around me and soaked up the nightlife of Greensboro. My allergies are also fucking up in a serious way. I'm growing concern for my eyesight. I keep getting blurry areas and when I wake up it takes REAL effort to be able to see again. I have also lost my allergy eye drops... again. Fuck. I take them with me as often as possible because the drops drain right back into my sinuses. It's like liquid gold.... granting me wishes of eyesight and proper breathing habits. But anyway... back to what I was saying...

The walk home last night was great. Although I will be bringing a flashlight tonight for my walk back. I stay on a very lit highway but there are a few sections that I almost busted my face on. (Being a clutz + not seeing your own feet = DEVASTATION!) It also probably didn't help that I danced a bit. Pandora was being amazingly on point playing stuff that wasn't actually similar to Tegan & Sara but was awesome all the same. (Hence the song I have on this blog) I don't even think that's the right mix... but it's whatever.

Okay, I'm officially buzzing from coffee. I've been listening to entirely too much Lady Gaga, Britney Spears and Marina & the Diamonds. I'm on a Pop-binge. It's similar to eating 150 Twinkies and then doing it again the next day.... without shame. I don't even give a fuck that pop isn't trendy anymore. Twelve year olds thrive in it and twenty-somethings snub their nose at it publicly and then blare that shit in their car or play the youtube videos while they browse the web. It's trendy to not like something because everyone else does. I say, fuck'em. It's fucking trendy to be who you are. Simple as that. Whoever thinks otherwise is probably wearing the latest name brand and riding the latest band-wagon anyway.

So yeah... I'm going to walk to work again... leaving an hour early is a great filler for my non-existent life. I had much more I wanted to blog about but I just find myself rambling and listing off band names instead of actually saying anything worth-while. Did I mention my tattoo is itching SO BAD?! yes... I want to pull that skin off and scrub it against a washboard. I actually woke up at 6am because it tingled and ached and itched so bad I had to coat it up with lotion before drifting back off to sleep. Whattabitch.

Who needs drugs when you have coffee?