Saturday, January 28, 2012

Hopeful, not hopeless.

It seems like every blog I make recently it's to defend myself for one reason or another.

I find myself single, once again. This time I don't even blame myself at all. I have no idea how something that seemed so sound and so solid could suddenly be cold and transparent.

I struggle to mourn the loss of another failed relationship. Maybe I'm repressing those feelings? Maybe I just don't care? Maybe he wasn't worth it to begin with? Eh, those are all questions that don't need answers...

My self worth is fine but my confidence in others is greatly lacking. I know what I'm good at
I know I'm an excellent "ladyfriend"
I know I can make someone the happiest they've ever been.

It's just a matter of finding someone who wants to accept me for who I am, that has enough confidence in me and our connection... And will respect me. That's a major one. It's so hard to find someone that can step up to the plate and be willing to compromise and blend with someone else.

A couple days ago I realized I'm more of a lover than I've allowed myself to acknowledge. I guess I don't want to be the hopeless romantic that is perpetually hopeless. I'm on the eve of my 25th birthday. I want an adult life. I want to share that adult life with someone else. No drama. No questions and lies... Just love. I'm not holding my breath over it, but I am hopeFUL as of late.

I am "talking" with someone.. That isn't exactly new... But is a prospect I overlooked for awhile. I'm interested in how it may unfold. When it does leak I think my entire hometown will implode but I won't be here for the backlash...

I will be elsewhere, enjoying my new life.

Monday, January 9, 2012

To Whom it May Concern:

It has come to my attention that my sexuality is the definitive of who I am [when it comes to other people.] Not only do I find this offensive; I have spent days contemplating the proper way to address this when I feel like I should never have to.

I date girls-- I'm wrong and going to hell. How dare I be public and proud about such a disgraceful way of life!

I marry a guy -- since I'm not ashamed or secretive about it I must be a liar and everyone around me should question anything I've said to them in the last four years.

Obviously, both assessments are horribly incorrect. I, personally, don't see my relationship as anyone's immediate business.. Or the main factor of my entire existence, for that matter. I have so many contributing factors in my life. Ive always been my own person. I do not define myself through who I am with or have been with.

"But you put it all over Facebook"
No, I put that I am happy and give credit where it is due. That's all I feel I am doing. Why do some individuals feel I am rubbing it in their face? That is truly not my intent.

I post about 10% of my life on the Internet-- that's combining this blog, twitter and Facebook. That's a whole 90% that I don't let you fuckers in on... And guess what? Of that 10% I share with this huge world of digital high school: everything is vague and purely self-involved... Which I guess knocks that 10% down to about 6%.

Yes, I said self-involved. I don't say anything that is not my business (especially if it doesn't involve me at all.)

With that said, I have also deleted a bunch of people, pictures and information from my Facebook. I haven't posted a play by play of my day on any social media in quite some time.

I feel no need to explain myself to anyone. (Although I guess I kind of am) Even amongst all the backlash, I should feel no obligation to title myself under any sexual orientation. The person I date/marry knows how I feel about them and that's all that is relevant.

It isn't helpful to demand answers from me or put pressure on our relationship. If you know me at all why is it so difficult to just accept me as a person and be happy about me being happy? I'm not a deceptive person; I'm not out to hurt anyone nor am I trying to "pull a fast one." I'm in this relationship for all the right reasons: THAT is all that matters. It's not your place to be confused about my sexual preferences. I should not have to defend myself on this subject.