Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Where now?

My relationship has ended. What could've been a quiet exit ended up being a very dramatic one. All tied up with a bow and the police being called.

Yes, seriously.
I've had the cops called on me.
For the first time in my life I had to tell the police I would leave peacefully.

I feel very confused about the entire situation. I will choose to forget it ever happened. I will begin the repression process and delete everything that ever reminded me of her from my life. That's how I heal when something happens so preposterous I can seem to compute it in my brain. It just won't fit. Like how a square peg won't fit into a circle hole. Same thing. Uh-huh.

So I packed up all my stuff with police supervision and turned my key... 




In my attempts to get everything out of the house, I had kept my hatch open for too long and it had killed my battery.

"Do you have jumper cables, ma'am?" The uniformed officer asked.
"Yes, sir." I nod, tears welling in my eyes.
"Then pop your trunk."

He jumps my car and I'm off. The two police officers that showed up to the scene seemed rather confused of why they needed to be there to begin with.... but since my ex is now in the hospital for attempted suicide and I wasn't the one to bring her to the hospital... word on the street is that I manipulated her into killing herself. (Just for clarification: my ex didn't succeed in killing herself and was in no real fear of losing her life.)

First off: I've had a close friend of mine commit suicide. I have a quote tattooed on me from a poem she wrote before said incident. Why the FUCK would I want someone else in my life to do such a thing?

Second off: There isn't a second, because the first off covers everything.

I'm beyond hurt at this point. I can't even be angry. I keep trying to make this individual's problems my own and I just.... can't. I cannot bring myself to feel guilt for someone that did something to themselves. Although I can understand why her friends are firmly against me and are taking my ex's words against mine. They're friends. That's what friends do. I get it. I just hope she realizes that people do love her and I hope she works out the mental issues she had going on that have nothing to do with me but she so sweetly blamed me for rather than just tell the truth.

Things I lost in this relationship:
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer (The entire DVD set.... my biggest loss)
-Some dishes
-Some home decor stuff
-Any hope/aspirations for ever getting into a relationship or even attempt at living with someone in a romantic way

Now... now I have to ask myself... where now?

Greensboro still?
My parents house?

Monday, November 7, 2011


Paranoia is probably the least attractive trait there can be. Well, one of the front runners anyway.

I've had a panic attack last for hours tonight over paranoia.

Fear of losing all that I've wanted... all that I have... Fear of what could be yanked out from under me at any given moment.

Talk... the talk... the talk that needs to happen.
It's easy to give up when you're too weak to fight.

My chest caves in and I swallow hard... remembering that it's my insecurities that are ruining me. I can't blame my inner most hollow on anyone else. That's frightening all within its self.

It's a me problem, not a you problem.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Could I possibly be any more fucked up? All I wanted was to be in a solid relationship and now that I'm in one I'm fucking up for fear of fucking up... and then my insecurities are ruining me from the inside.
Maybe tomorrow I can stop being such a fucking drama queen.

maybe tomorrow.

Sunday, November 6, 2011


Words have more of an impact than people realize.

I love words. I have a dictionary app on my phone. I write. Sometimes I find myself spending an hour or more on the Merriam-Webster website looking up synonyms and Antonyms of words.


People take their words for granted. How they say them, how they place them... how they butcher them into non-recognition. Words shape countries, destroy homes and build up a small child when they are feeling down. Words fly through the air, invisible to the naked eye and silent to deaf ears. The spoken word, no matter what language, carries much more weight than anyone realizes.

Watch what you say to people and how you say them. Words aren't meant to be taken lightly but they are. Have you ever said something to someone that you didn't mean but knew it'd upset them? That is a prime example of taking your words lightly. Your words only mean less when you make them as such. Don't cheapen your most powerful weapon.

In these last few weeks I've thought much about my word usage. I have found myself arguing with my new boss quite frequently and his words are used as a manipulative tool to get what he wants out of his employees. While my words, are argumentative to his obvious lack of respect for his employees. (I will probably be fired.... I can feel it) My words get me fired more than not. You'd think I'd learn by now...

I've gotten into an argument with an acquaintance, "No hard feelings" she said while her eyes rolled. That, my friends, is cheapening your words. By lying you are cheapening the value of your words. By manipulating the true meaning of your words you are making the other person value your words less. It is easy to want to do this, to manipulate another by your words-- some even get away with it. You are using your words as a tool, as a muscle, as a power. Don't ever doubt the power of a word.

Doubting the power of words is like forgetting the air brings you oxygen. It's a given, it's something that happens mindlessly. You breathe, your lungs take in the oxygen and dispel the carbon dioxide with each exhale. What happens when the Air decides it'd rather give you carbon instead of oxygen? You choke, you pant, you struggle for oxygen. It's the same concept when you deny others the truth in your statement and skew your words with manipulations. You are taking their oxygen and replacing it with carbon. It's only in due time when they choke out and notice the manipulation-- for their salvation they will discontinue the exchange of words with you.... in search of oxygen.

Without words communication would become obsolete. Without word compilation there is no communication. Without a form of communication...

what are we?