Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Job Hunting. Anxiety Overload.

Here I am. 
Thirty years old. 

As a female I've been told I was supposed to be angry or afraid of turning thirty. I am neither. I'm happy to be older. Getting older means I lived longer. I want to live for as long as I can.

I've been meaning to blog again for a few weeks now. My life has been tossed into the air. I have mixed feelings about it all. Our water got turned off again a few weeks back and it was decided that I have to go back to work. The smallest BabyG is almost 2. The biggest BabyG is so not a baby anymore, she's nearly school age. I guess it's time. Hubby has solely supported us for as long as he can. It's time for me to bite the bullet and get a "real" job.

I've been applying to place for a couple months and have interviewed at a few hopeful places. Just getting an outfit together to go to the interviews was a rude awakening to me. I have hardly any professional clothes left and last time I wore some of them I was pre-baby and a fit 180lbs.

One of which is a funeral home. I would start out in the "front of the house" doing some client care. It would get my foot in the door. Once employed there I would be able to be reimbursed for school and learn the trade. I'd be able to move around in the company and they support me furthering my education in anyway if that means bettering myself as an employee. I'd have job security. I'm pretty sure I'd have to wear a suit. I'd be a grown up in a grown up job. It'd be a career. I wouldn't have to change jobs to be in the field I'm going to school for, I'd simply apply within my company and get moved around. It is a corporate establishment so that means room for growth, a chance to move within my state (or really out of state, if I really wanted to) if need be. I'm SO HOPEFUL for this job. I have lost some sleep over it. I've been hovering over my phone about it. I got interviewed last Wednesday and now it is Wednesday again. I told myself I'd call today if I haven't heard anything, it's now 4:30pm and I haven't gotten a phone call. I suppose I'll call tomorrow just to see if anything new has happened or if they know of when I could possible start. I never wanted a job so much before in my entire life for more than just the money aspect.

The other job was a cellphone job. I interviewed for them weeks ago and it went well but they haven't gotten back to me either. Meh. It'd be a good stable income but it would put me changing jobs in the near future to get into the funeral business and just feels like a step back to me even though the money would be better. It's not a job I would want for the rest of my life. Even though I'd be comfortable and capable I just don't see it as a career job for me. Also, it's been nearly a month and they haven't called me back so I'm not very hopeful about it anyway.

I've been applying to a few more places but I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. The day care we had picked out didn't have an opening after all, which ended up being a good thing. It is going to cost us the same amount we pay for rent each month to have the kids watched at a daycare. That is scary all by its self. I would have to make double that amount just to make me having a job worth it. Luckily [thankfully] a family friend has stepped up and is willing to help and is also awaiting me getting a call back from a job just as much as I am. She also isn't charging us an arm and a leg which helps even more.

Getting a job has meant that I haven't scheduled classes for the fall yet. My anxiety level is through the roof. My heart is beating through my chest. I feel like I'm putting my goals on hold yet again to put other's priorities first. It's a mixed bag, though. I need the bills to be paid just as much as Hubby does and it wouldn't feel right raising kids without power or electricity on in the house. Hubby has made his share of sacrifices too. It's just an adjustment. I know, ultimately, as long as the money is right what I'm doing will benefit us all. I know it. I'm trying to look at all the positives of getting a job outside of the home. Less time with the kids is on both the pro and the con list. Also, I'm not giving up on school. I refuse to give up on school. I'm hoping to get the job at the funeral home in time to still schedule for fall classes once I have a feel for the job and I'm not so overwhelmed by the changes in my every day life. I have a sitter now! I will be able to pay her for watching the kids on school days too. (That means I won't have to take night classes! I could take some classes during the day!)

Let's face it, kids get tired of you and use and abuse you. Lately there has been a lot of bad days but I know my attitude contributes to it too. I know in a "real" job I will feel more human and Hubby will respect me more. (He has never fully appreciated me for all that I do at home and his expectations for what I should be able to do in a day are unrealistic, at best.)  The break from the kids will hopefully get them to appreciate me a bit more as well as listen a little better... maybe.

I'm just in full freak out mode. I'm trying to take this one day at a time. I'm trying to play it by ear. I'm trying to be mellow but determined. I'm trying to be excited about the opportunities before me instead of sad about about what may possibly go wrong.

I just am trying not to collapse by my anxiety. I'm avoiding things that weigh me down, if I can help it. I know a lot of this anxiety is happening because I haven't been in the gym for a week because of a nasty cold that I've had. I broke down and went to the doctor and got some medicine. Since the medicine has kicked in I can think about more things than being sick. I've been so antsy today. There are days that I just have this swirling desire to create something. To. DO. SOMETHING. It's overwhelming and I just end up pacing the house instead. I'll clean something. I've washed all the dishes and already have dinner created in my head. Even though I'm doing those things it does not satisfy that feeling of needing to create something. It's days like this that I wish I had an established crafting area that I could just sit and tinker at. I probably could if I didn't maintain a constant amount of clutter and chaos all through-out the house, though. HAHAHAHAH but I digress.

Anyway, there ya have it.


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