Sunday, September 4, 2011

Partial Sunshine.

Have you ever looked in a mirror and was startled by what you saw? Wondering how you could look the way you do but feel so different?

I am someone entirely different in my head. In my head: I am a little heavier, my hair is a bit bigger and my smile is a little less crooked.... but when I gaze at my reflection and see a beautiful, skinny girl staring back at me I get petrified. I am wasting away. I've grown up. My face is older now, it seems like it's hiding so much knowledge behind those sea-green eyes and I need to know what those eyes know.

I find myself examining myself in a mirror as if I'm looking at a stranger, playing a staring contest... waiting for that other person to break down and spill their guts. For this stranger, this beautiful stranger, to tell me what I'm doing wrong and how to correct it. She tells me I'm not actually broken, I'm not as damaged as I perceive myself. She tells me without moving her lips that I can do whatever I put my mind to, because I've done it countless times before. Overcoming isn't an obstacle, it's just the space between sentences.

I create things and re-expose myself to it dauntlessly until I'm submerged in it, drowning in it. I'm convincing myself I'm some horrible green fuzzy monster and everyone else is just humoring me until I lull myself into a safe-submissive place where I think I'm not as exposed anymore.... only to look down and find my heart in hand, blood trickling down to my elbow... wondering when I ever ripped it out. I quietly; gently shove my heart back up into my ribcage wincing at the pain I should've felt as I removed it in the first place. Blood all down my front, pooling at my feet. I frown, trying to convince tears to surface in my eyes.... but nothing. I'm just left there in a pool of my own blood, wondering how I ended up so exposed.

I'm learning how not to be so broken about being broken... now if only I could stop being such a romantic about it I may have a chance. I'm learning how to be a friend first... how to put my intentions up front but only at their pace.... it's all about vibes and feelings. If it's there, it's there... if it's not, it won't be. I get told I put myself out there too much and then again I get told I'm not out there enough. So I'm just going to be "there" where-ever "there" may be. I figure if I hang out with enough people I am bound to come across someone who might want to get to know me well, without drama and without too much sacrifice. Now, I'm not actively throwing myself into social situations prowling around with a second agenda. I'm to the point now where it'd be nice, but I've already turned purple from holding my breath about it... so now I have caved and started breathing like normal. It's strange how one has to have a mental breakdown to realize how silly one looked in the process of getting there.

No, I'm not okay, but I'm getting better. My main problem is I invest too much emotions too quickly... or not quick enough. It's the balance I feel will only occur when the situation enables it to. I see myself for who I actually am now. I'm not grotesque/disfigured nor am I crazy or surpassingly depressed. Something deep inside of me is making it painfully obvious that I'm not as crazy and ugly as I imagine myself. Before, looking in the mirror was me looking past myself. Now... I look directly into my own eyes and know better. I know better than to think any less than myself.

I guess you could say my confidence is coming back in full force, without my consent. I have nothing left to do but welcome it and smile.... even when the darkness tells me to frown.

Also, I don't have a girl to blame for this sudden change of mind.
It's all me.

Just me.

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