Sometimes you just need to cry

Learning how to be a parent is exhausting. Not only does everyone have an opinion, throw in some lack of sleep and realizing you haven't showered in a week... all you want to check yourself into the nut house for some quiet time.

A week or so ago I had a moment of, "Don't look back" and then instantly felt guilty.

It had been a horrible day. BabyG woke up consistently every few hours during the night and then at 3am went into an extreme fit. She wouldn't latch on to breast feed in the bed and was punching and scratching my chest and nipples. OUCH! I might add. This form of restlessness means she is DONE with trying to sleep, or at the very least done with being in the bed. I move to the living room and change her diaper (Which always seems to be full). She plays for a few minutes before getting mad again, I lay on the floor and nurse next to her. I dose off on the floor next to her feeling like a mother cat with a kitten. I awake about an hour later to her screams, she had awoken from her little cat nap and was hungry again. I move to the rocking chair and hope to get a bit more sleep out of her. I manage to get a few more hours of sleep with her secured to me by pillows in the chair. Hubby wakes up and playfully kisses me awake. All of my small amount of energy is used to not jump from the chair and strangle him. I was sleeping the best all night and every second is precious.

The entire day is spent nursing every 45mins and listening to screaming if I have to go to the bathroom or fix myself something to eat. I'm so tired the entire day I can barely form a thought. I keep telling myself she's my daughter and I should love her. I'm so lucky to have a baby when so many people all over the world would love to be in my situation. I have some close friends that keep trying and not succeeding. I should be grateful, I tell myself, this is a blessing. Children are a blessing, BabyG is healthy and growing. I search the internet about her nursing habits, I check her temperature, everything is normal. It's a growth spurt, her doctor's appointment was in just a couple days away so I decided to stick it out as long as her temperature stayed normal.

Before I know it the sun has dipped behind the horizon and I'm starving. I had managed to eat a few things that take the less effort possible but we hadn't gone grocery shopping so we needed something and quick because my patience was well overspent.

Hubby gets home and changes into his comfy street clothes and plops down on the couch to play on his phone with little to no response to my inquiry on dinner. This is something new has been doing, the tango of who's going to do what. No hint of moving when a decision is made so it makes me think we're at a stand off. The anger builds behind my eyes and flexes it's muscles, I hand him his angry baby who had been nursing for almost a full hour and said, "I'll go. You stay here. Text me what you want." With that, I was out. I stuck the key in and pushed the button to start the car. I had a surge of excitement as I slowly pulled out of the apartment parking lot. This was the first time I was out of the house without the baby. My self awareness slowly seeped back. My teeth weren't brushed, I looked down and noticed I was basically in pajamas and with a glance in the mirror I see my nasty hair-- When was my last shower? Well, fuck.

I was just going through a drive through anyway, I reasoned with myself. Who cares. I'm still fuming about how passive and "who cares" attitude Hubby had when very obviously I was starving and it would've been nice if he had offered to help me with his daughter. I drove the exact speed limit to expand my time out of the house. "We don't have onion rings," the first place I stopped at tells me through the speaker box. Her attitude was too much. "Fuck this place. Cancel my order." I bark at her through the box. Okay, she had some tude but cussing at her wasn't nice. I thought about apologizing but I knew anything I had ordered in it's place would come with special teenage spit-sauce so I decided to go somewhere else instead. I drive in the opposite direction and decide I need wine. I instantly knew why my BFF use to tell me about drives she would take, just circling around my tiny little town wasting a few hours to blow off some steam. She would just use the time to gathering herself and maybe cry to herself about the recent frustrations.

I parked in front of a department store and cried. I turned the car off and sobbed as loud as my body would allow. People slowly walked by and tried to stare without me noticing. I didn't care. I wanted to scream: "I HAVE A BABY AT HOME, I NEED THIS! SHUT YOUR FACE!" I rested my forehead on the steering wheel and let the tears roll down my nose and drop, drop, drop down into my lap. I shouldn't have cussed at the fast food chick, no matter how snotty she was. Her day was obviously going south as it were. Hell, I may have just projected her being snotty and she wasn't even meaning to sound the way she did. Maybe Hubby wasn't being evasive when he got home? Was I projecting that too? No, he was totally being evasive and avoidy and totally unacceptable. I check the time, I've been gone for twenty minutes at this point. Twenty glorious minutes. I tell myself I'll take a full hour. Yeah, fuck it. I had just fed BabyG before I left so I deserve an hour, she won't be starving.

I even entertained the thought of not going back at all. What would happen if I just took off? I grip the steering wheel with both hands at ten and two. I flex my fingers and close my eyes. I imagined seeing the road slip underneath the car in the night. I picture me driving to Florida and sleeping on the beach then waking up the next day to finish the drive to North Carolina. I just wanted to cry on BFF's shoulder and curl up on her couch in a drunken stupor. Yeah, I could do that. I tried to factor in how much gas money I'd need. Wait. What am I doing? I can't leave my baby, I can't leave Hubby. What would Hubby do with me gone? He'd do fine. I knew he'd do fine. BabyG would be fed formula and Hubby would divorce me and find a beautiful woman that BabyG would call Mommy and forget all about me. I was the deadbeat mom. He was the savior. My stomach turned at the thought of someone else raising my kid. I couldn't do that. I tried to beat myself up about thinking about such an atrocious thing but there wasn't enough room in my soul for more sadness.

I spent a full hour shopping for my wine and just taking laps around the store. It felt nice to walk around unattached. I kept checking my phone and wondered why Hubby hadn't texted me yet. Did he even care I was gone? Whatever, I thought. Maybe he is mad at me. O well, I'm mad at him, I thought. I picked up a few things on a whim and decided I needed a book. Growing up in a small town with a bunch of dumb rednecks I quickly learned that reading was a prime escape when I couldn't physically disappear. I self medicated with wine and a book. I paid for my items and realized I would still need to bring home food. I stopped at a burger place attached to the same parking lot just in time to receive a text message.

Hubby
  -Where are you?
Me 
 -I'm on my way home.

Nothing else. He didn't ask where I had been or inquire more about anything. Augh. As I'm parking I can see in through our open window, he is pacing with BabyG. He stops when he notices me and looks pissed as I'm unloading the bags from the car. I think about getting back in the car and driving off. No, I think, I have to face this. I make my way up the stairs and put some groceries away and pour myself a glass of wine. BabyG's lips were dry and she looks uncomfortable. Hubby drops some guilt on me about how hungry she is. I was only gone two hours. Whatever, I think, who cares? I'm just baby food. I had resigned myself to being an object rather than a person.

"Where is your food?" He asks.
"I decided not to eat." I respond. He just stares at me. I take a seat next to him and notice he's eating french fries, "Are there onion rings in the bag?"
"No."
"Goddammit. The whole fucking reason I went there was because the first place 'didn't have anymore onion rings' Stupid bastards." My rage is way too much at that point. I just lean my head back on the couch and try to shove it all back in the bottle.
"You okay?" He asks.
"No, I'm not." I instantly start crying, his face softens. I unload on him how I felt while I was out.
"You matter too, ya know." He says, shoving fries in his mouth. "You want some?" 
I shake my head no.
"You need to eat. You have to eat. BabyG depends on you. What's wrong?"
I cry a little harder, I only exist so she can. Great. What about me? "I'm just depressed."
He gives me a really long look, I look away but every time I look back he is still looking at me, searching for something to say then he breaks the silence, "Anything I can do?"

It's moments like that, that validate why I married him. Then I realized that if I had left we would've never had that conversation. It's so easy to leave, it's so much harder to stick with it. No matter how easy it is to be in love with Hubby, co-existing with someone and raising a third party is difficult. Juggling each other, work and a baby is hard. Being under the universe's thumb while trying to successfully function is hard.

Reading has helped, by the way. Hubby has started helping around the house more and the next day wasn't quite as hard. Every day it seems like BabyG lays on the floor longer, is happier with more tummy time and some times I even get a little longer between feedings. Every day is different. Some days are a breeze while others are full of challenges. I'm grateful and very lucky to have a spouse that is willing to put forth an effort and help me when requested. He even helps without my request, too. While I have a great support group they are on separate coasts and it isn't an easy drive. None of our friends here have kids and meeting people is hard. I'm glad I didn't leave but now I understand why people do... But leaving is a bad choice, it leaves lots of room for regret. 

I want both.

Ten days. One Zero. Ten. Ten days and I get to wake up next to him, cuddle him during a thunderstorm and nag him when I'm feeling bitchy. Sigh I cannot wait! I can tell that he's excited too, since his smiles are bigger on Skype as of late.

"You're going to miss those babies!"
I keep hearing from... well... everyone. It's true too. The twins I babysit have quickly become my entire life. My reason to get up in the morning, my smile when I feel like crying as well as my hair-pulling, snotty nosed cry babies when I'm already at my wits end. They cry when I walk out of a room, they make me feel needed.... they snuggle me close when they're feeling bad. I'm going to miss those little bobble heads like no other. It's not just the twins though, I'm going to miss their older sister, their mom, their dad, their Mama C and PawPaw. All of them. This family has been with me through the thick and thin. They have given me a place to stay when no one else wanted me. This family has given me a job when I was scraping by at a sandwich shop. This family has done absolutely everything for me, without hesitation, without asking for anything in return. Leaving them breaks my heart. I can't help but cry at the idea of leaving them at all much-less in need. The boys are still too young for daycare and too expensive to have in daycare, anyway. The boys don't like strangers but they took to me the first time I met them. Their older sister asks if I'm out of the house for longer than twenty minutes. I feel more apart of this family than I have any family, ever. Yes, even my own. They accept me for who I am and always wish me the best. They have showed me unconditional love (Not required by blood relation) and now I have my chance at also creating a family of my own. It's the dilemma of a life time. I've tried not to think about it. BFF (The twin's mom) and I don't speak about it... It's the elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge. I worry about them thinking I'm abandoning them. Is it too selfish to leave now? But staying hurts too. I feel like I'm happy with a thorn in my side. It's like gnawing my arm off to live another day. I want both things equally. To stay and be apart of this family and to go and start my own with someone who I've always had a very strong emotional attachment to.

I want both.

I want both.

I want both.

I've been going through the motions since I got back from my short visit to Louisiana. Sometimes I'm in the moment [with normal every day routine] and I'd think, "I've got to remember this, take a picture, cherish it... I'm about to move" and it still wouldn't feel real. As I'm nearing the single digits on my countdown, the realization has settled heavy somewhere in my pelvic region. (You know, where IBS lives.) I feel like it's a backpack when I run, a fly in my ear as I play with the boys and a heavy beating drum when I'm hanging out chatting with BFF. I don't feel doubt in wanting to live and be with Hubby, I feel guilt for being happy. Does that make sense? How can I be happy about something that will be taking me away from this new family that has stood by me for so long? Guilt because I've lost friends along the way and it doesn't bother me. Guilt because I'm so happy and quite frankly, I'm not sure I care who I lose in the process. (Well, accept the twins and their family. Everyone else can go fuck themselves for all I care.) Hubby means that much to me.... I hear that's suppose to prove you do have real love. The fact that the ones that matter supports us the most seems to be the shining factor.

This isn't a thinking decision, this is a decided matter. It's finally sunk in. It's real. This isn't a fantasy anymore. This isn't a day dream on a hot summer day in Greensboro... or a last thought before drifting off to sleep in the middle of winter....

This is real.

Holy shit, is it real.

The Clean-Up

I arrived in my hometown at 3am yesterday morning, woke up around 7:30am and worked in my mom's yard until around 7pm. There is still a HUGE tree down in the backyard, but it's tucked behind the barn and isn't so bad. My uncle and cousin came out to help with the clean up. We hauled large limbs with rope and the fourwheeler. It was hardwork but still a lot of fun. We talked, joked and all got sunburnt together. I have cuts and scrapes all over.

That night we fired up the grill and had about a dozen people milling around the house, my mom is the only on in the extended family that still has power. My dad's mom had 4ft of flooding on her lower level where his sister was staying. (My aunt lost everything) They showed up to get some food and take a shower. The pained expressions on their faces was deeply creased in and you could tell they were distracted by what was waiting at home for them once they left my mother's powered, well-fed home.

The feast was supplied by the contents of my sister's fridge and freezer that is slowly going bad in coolers on the patio. My mom's fridge is stuffed to the brim, trying to save anything we can. I'm so well fed I can barely move. Out of the 3 different meat versions of burgers, chicken breasts and a rather large pork loin we grilled there was only one burger and a couple slices of pork loin left. Everyone was grateful for the opportunity to chow down in an air conditioned enviroment and my sister was happy that the food didn't end up in the trash. The local fire dept is giving away bags of ice and bottled water. We're using bottled water to make coffee, freezing them to keep the food in the cooler from spoiling and drinking them with gusto as we haul peices of nature out of our way.

I saw my mom mom's house for the first time today. It is devastating and she still has her house. So many have lost much more than she has, and it's still very painful to see. My grandmother has lost a barn and a couple 100yro+ trees... but we're all very grateful they fell away from the house and no one was hurt. I've only been as far as my parent's house and this entire neighborhood is trashed, there is a tree in someone's house 3 doors down, there are trees cut in the middle so you can travel on the road. There is a tree against the church I grew up in and downed powerlines everywhere. There is a group of five electrical vehicles going around working as a really large group to pushed erect the leaning powerlines and reconnect/mend the fallen lines.

My middle school is closed. Done. Finished. The flooding was too bad, they are saying if it does open it may be well after christmas due to repairs and replacing the floors and walls. It has to be gutted. (Everyone is 80% sure it will be condemned and have to be knocked over) Teachers are being shifted or losing their positions, they are splitting up the grades amongst the primary, highschool and elementry school buildings. There is absolutely no school for anyone until next tuesday. In the district I went to school in there are people who now have foundations of their houses and nothing else. They lost more than the contents of their fridge and a couple trees, they lost everything they've ever worked for.

Like I said, I have not gone that far in the county but just seeing my childhood neighborhood gives me an idea of how terrible it is farther down in the county. We've pulled together as a family and a community. My uncle who helped us clear my mom's yard up is being pulled in so many directions and is trying to handle the guilt of not being able to help everyone who asks him. His sidejob is lawncare and right now everyone wants his attention whenever possible. As we stood in my grandmother's yard, jagged tree limbs towering over us he spoke of feeling the weight of not being able to help everyone who has been asking him... he felt like he wasn't helping anyone at all. He didn't count cleaning up the yards of his family as help... that was just a given. Being able to clean up other people's yards, that was helping.

I know that deeper in the county will be a slow recovery but they will recover. I feel for them and hope them the best.... I also wish I had more than just words of encouragement for all of them.

After the storm

I've had too much coffee, too much sleep, and never enough food. I'm shaking, my heart feels like it's trying to escape via my throat and all I'm doing is dancing in place to keep everything in check.

Irene came and went quite peacefully in my part of North Carolina. The wind blew in circles and pissed the trees off that hang over my balcony. The night of the hurricane was quite amazing for me... I sat on my balcony for most of the night having very good conversation with very good company. Needless to say that while I was having the most amazing night of my life my family was being pummeled by mother nature as Irene tossed trees around like an angry toddler.

Cell phone service cut out. Power was lost. Even internet shut off. Trees falling around my parent's house, my grandmother's house and my sister's house. The wind blew sideways and the rain flew around like angry darts. "This has been the worst hurricane I've ever experienced" said my mother, who has never strayed too far from her mother's house about 2 miles down. I missed it. Thankfully, but regrettably as well. My grandmother banked on the idea of some undesirables spending time with her through the hurricane... of course they flaked. As trees lay inches away from the house, my uncle and cousin rescued her and brought her to my mother's house so she wouldn't have to spend the rest of the hurricane alone. Thankfully no one was hurt in this effort.

I've seen pictures of my favorite park in my hometown under more than 13ft of a swollen Neuse River and rain. Facebook feeds filled with "Evacuating west, pray for my family" and pictures of fallen trees over the road, squished cars and large bodies of water that aren't meant to be. Disaster, devastation... stories of people swimming to the post office begging for rides to safety...

I come from a town that thrives in hurricanes because it's the most excitement all year... but after Katrina something changed. I was actually dating someone during Katrina and they lived farther inlet than I. Their entire house was flooded, lifting the house off the of its foundation, floating a couple inches above the concrete structure... then slammed the house down, cracking both structures in half. It felt like I was walking through a movie scene. Soggy carpets, we tried for 3hrs to get to that house, so many flooded roads we couldn't get through... passing people on canoes, paddling away, on or in the road. Katrina was one of the worse storms I've experienced and my mother said Katrina was just childs play compared to Irene. Now, when a hurricane comes people evacuate like they're told, buy out Food Lion and get their radios ready.

My middle school and high school have been flooded. My middle school has been flooded before, 6ft during Katrina, I can only image how deep Irene took it swimming. I've had to stop looking for information on the angry left overs of Irene. It makes me cry. I see pictures of places I've frequented for most of my 24yrs totally under water, covered in trees or otherwise disrupted. The local Harris Teeters are giving away ice and water while their stores are closed. If you have twitter, visit the hastag #NCIrene for personal accounts, to-the-second updates, pictures and other things that have made me cry in the last 24hrs. There are also facebook groups you can be a part of for more information about how to get help or just to share your stories of survival.

What most people aren't realizing is how bad the bugs are. That's something the news doesn't really touch on. They talk about the clean up, they show these terrible pictures... but they don't show how nasty and thick the bugs are right now. My entire childhood neighborhood and surrounding areas are, quite literally, a temporary marshland right now. It's perfect for mosquitoes and other nasties. The CDC has a page of information about how you should go about protecting yourself after a natural disaster and what to notice with certain bites.

Don't be afraid to ask for help... everyone needs it right now. Also, don't be afraid TO help. Being there for each other is what community is all about.

Please click the links, I hope they prove to be helpful in some way!

xoxo,
SallyD