"I don't want to be ANYTHING like any of your exes!!!"

Augh, okay...

So, I'm a girl. Duh. But I must state that for very obvious reasons-- Girls have irrational ideas sometimes. (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!)

Not wanting to be anything like your current's previous significant others is quite the irrational idea. It's also one that I am quietly struggling with. I'm struggling because I can see the rational side of it.

I'm getting married soon. Also, duh. One thing about marrying one of your close friends is you can recall how ever many years worth of previous significant others they dated freely in front of you. It was shameless because there was only a platonic relationship between you and whoever they brought around. (Well, at least in our case) I knew these girlscoughwomen that he dated before me. I spoke with them, they sought my approval and sized me up accordingly. I have never been intimidated by them and apparently that's intimidating. I, in some cases, got more into their brain than Hubby did. (It's a girl thing) I became their frienemy and got to know them. I remember picking them apart, quite often finding similarities between them and I. Sometimes it was unsettling how my likes were their likes and my hobbies were their hobbies. But then again, a lot of Hubby's likes were my likes and a lot of his hobbies were my hobbies.

Obviously things would stack with who he chose to date as well. Again with the duh

Now that I am romantically involved with him my angsty twelve year old hormonal self can't help but peck at my brain with all the usual paranoid ideas. If you are even slightly aware and female (Or male, I guess?) you know what I'm talking about. Those paranoid ideas just bubble up from within and you have to mull over them and shoot them down or address them aloud if they feel justified enough. Also, getting married isn't child's play. Marriage is not taken lightly by me and my relationship with Hubby is very much adult. I've known him long enough I was more than aware of who I was getting myself involved with. (Translation: My qualms in this post have nothing to do with him directly, I also know he religiously reads my blog, so I have to put that out as clear as possible. This is me just being a vagina.)

But anyway, I know a lot of girls feel this way. Correct? The whole: "I'm nothing like his exes, I don't even see what he saw in them!" Yeah, that. Well, ladies, I'm sorry to break it to you but that is quite irrational. Although I do want to say that all cases are different and you very well may be in one of those glorious "I'm completely unique to those of their past" things. Let me break it down.

People tend to stick with what they know:
If they grew up around intellectual types they will tend to date college graduates or someone with a prestigious career. If someone grew up primarily around a specific race or creed they will tend to date someone of that religion or skin color. If they reallyreally loved their mother or father they will tend to date someone resembling them. Or if they really hated their mother or father they will tend to date those that resemble nothing of them. That's the same with those that have a passion for something and they tend to surround themselves and date others with that common passion.

People tend to date what they like:
If they like poets, they will primarily date poets. If they would prefer red headed gym fanatics, they will stick as close to that as possible... Let's say Person A dates 10 people in their life time. Person A is a guitarist that prefers blondes that are also artistic in some way and loves dogs. It's safe to say Person A had 7 out of 10 that have lighter colored hair; likes dogs and either plays an instrument or does some sort of artwork either as a job or a hobby. Sounds logical to me.

If you've dated "it" before and loved/hated "it", then you will/won't date "it" again:
"It" being something: a trait, a hobby, a defining character of someone. Think: "I dated that guy Jake and he loved to go to the gym. I think it mellowed him out otherwise, so now I dig guys that go to the gym." So then you tend to date athletic people. Athletic people appeal to you. No shame, right? In that same way: "I dated this red headed chick Sarah and she was such a bitch and made all my friends don't want to be around me anymore if she was around. I refuse to date a girl named Sarah or red heads. She was a teacher too, no more teachers for me!" Same idea but on the negative instead of positive. Either way you are getting specific about the type of person you want to get romantic with. Also, no shame.


To the core I seem to reflect Hubby's taste in women. Visual appearances aside, I share a lot of their likes and hobbies as well as some of their personal/political views on things. Which makes sense. Being a vagina about it is letting that leave a nasty taste in my mouth and make me feel like a blow up doll with a common filling.

Since I am being a positive thinker and adult: I like to think of me being all the best qualities he found in previous girls all wrapped up in his favorite shaped box.... with my unique quarks and neurotic habits thrown in!

This theory works in both directions too, ya'know.

Why We are Eloping

For one, Hubby and I have known each other for quite some time. Most of our communication and hanging out was done without informing the masses. Our friendship for the most part was private. Not because we felt we had to be secret, but because we never felt a need to blab it around town. Our time together was always special and outside populace was never a concern. Our mutual friends reacted both shocked and not-so-shocked at us announcing the news. They were shocked because no one realized how close we were and not-so-shocked because they could totally see us together.

I know I love him. I know he loves me. That is not in question. To us, we don't need an audience to prove our vows valid. Not to mention the gawkers that would show or the abundance of drama that could ensue from our drunken friends speaking to our relatives. "Remember when..." stories would rosy our cheeks super quick-like.

So I guess in a way, we are saving face and giving everyone the middle finger too. Not so much in a "Screw you guys, we don't need you!" kind of way but in a, "You guys are awesome but we would rather be alone for this." kind of way. So maybe the middle finger is just to our exes and those that were trying to keep us apart although we were friends with each other and we refused to stop txting and calling each other.

Don't take it personally. My grandmother (whom could lay an egg with excitement that I'm marrying a man) isn't invited to see the exchange of vows and legal signing of documents. That is saying something. Also, our mothers had the same excitement and glee, "I'm just happy you two found each other and will be married!" At this point they just want me to squeeze out a kid or two and us live under the same roof-- I don't think they really care about the rest. (It's all just a technicality to get married, really.)

Basically-- Us getting married is just a socially enforced thing that also enables us to do all those fancy things you're trying to keep gay people from. We want those fancy state/federally acknowledged things. Plus, I think he really digs the idea of me sporting his last name. Nothing to do with religion or if I wore white or not.... or what soandso said to soandso... and "zOmg, can you believe her hair?" Yeah... none of that. At least not on our dime. You can do that all you want from afar on Facebook. (Which, duh, will happen)

In two weeks we move under one roof.

C a n n o t       w a i t!

To Whom it May Concern:

It has come to my attention that my sexuality is the definitive of who I am [when it comes to other people.] Not only do I find this offensive; I have spent days contemplating the proper way to address this when I feel like I should never have to.

I date girls-- I'm wrong and going to hell. How dare I be public and proud about such a disgraceful way of life!

I marry a guy -- since I'm not ashamed or secretive about it I must be a liar and everyone around me should question anything I've said to them in the last four years.

Obviously, both assessments are horribly incorrect. I, personally, don't see my relationship as anyone's immediate business.. Or the main factor of my entire existence, for that matter. I have so many contributing factors in my life. Ive always been my own person. I do not define myself through who I am with or have been with.

"But you put it all over Facebook"
No, I put that I am happy and give credit where it is due. That's all I feel I am doing. Why do some individuals feel I am rubbing it in their face? That is truly not my intent.

I post about 10% of my life on the Internet-- that's combining this blog, twitter and Facebook. That's a whole 90% that I don't let you fuckers in on... And guess what? Of that 10% I share with this huge world of digital high school: everything is vague and purely self-involved... Which I guess knocks that 10% down to about 6%.

Yes, I said self-involved. I don't say anything that is not my business (especially if it doesn't involve me at all.)

With that said, I have also deleted a bunch of people, pictures and information from my Facebook. I haven't posted a play by play of my day on any social media in quite some time.

I feel no need to explain myself to anyone. (Although I guess I kind of am) Even amongst all the backlash, I should feel no obligation to title myself under any sexual orientation. The person I date/marry knows how I feel about them and that's all that is relevant.

It isn't helpful to demand answers from me or put pressure on our relationship. If you know me at all why is it so difficult to just accept me as a person and be happy about me being happy? I'm not a deceptive person; I'm not out to hurt anyone nor am I trying to "pull a fast one." I'm in this relationship for all the right reasons: THAT is all that matters. It's not your place to be confused about my sexual preferences. I should not have to defend myself on this subject.

NahNahNah... I can't hearrr youuuu

I want to talk about the, "I'ma ignore you until you go away" in the dating scene. I don't like it. I don't like it when it happens to me and I don't like the feeling I have when I do it to someone else. I've had it happen to me a couple times... the no response after a couple days of trying to get up with someone. The unanswered phone calls back in middle school when I just wanted them to talk to me. The anguish, the questions... the "What did I do so wrong that would permit such silence?" I'm here to break down that barrier and feed it to you on the real.

When someone ignores you to make you go away, or one-word-answers you into a stupor it may be for a wide range of things. Some may actually be you; while others may simply not be you at all. Always consider the possibility that that other person is a chicken-shit, asshole.

Always ask yourself, "How long have I known this person?"  

If you answer the question: Just one date/That night at a bar/One night stand/At that party that one night/We only know each other kind of through some people.

Get over it. Honestly. Get. Over. It. Who cares? They don't respond to you after two days?-- Move on. No harm, no fowl. It fucking sucks to give someone the, "You're a great person, just not for me." conversation... because then you have to go through the whole "But, why?" from them and you really don't have anything legit to say... it's all kind of fluffy bullshit. If the vibes aren't there, something was said that rubbed them the wrong way, something small but significant like that... (or they are actively talking to three others and it just wasn't your time to shine) it's cool. Don't let it hurt your feelings. People are people and they're allowed to feel that way without anything really being wrong with you. Especially if you barely know this person. Seriously-- it's okay. Sometimes things are just better left unsaid.

Okay, then ask yourself: "What happened last time we were together?"

Now... really evaluate this one. Take time on it. I'm a little obsessive so I replay conversations quite often in my head. I track body movements and how the words were expressed. Did you say something that they openly disagreed with? Maybe it was something small (to you) but it weighed pretty heavy on their side. Maybe it's something that really pissed them off and you DID do something wrong... but you've already sent that txt going, "Uhh, did I do something wrong?" and got no response... what to do now? Nothing. Don't do a thing. It's whatever. If that person really wants you in their life, they will respond when they are ready. If you keep pestering them every day or every hour... they probably won't ever respond to you and will make every attempts at avoiding you whenever possible. I do, however, think that maybe checking in after it's been a couple weeks is legit. If you still get no response, it's been a few weeks-- that's not insane. Just send a solitary txt along the lines of, "Hey, hows it going?" If there is still no response, it's whatever. You tried, they know you tried-- leave it at that.

Check their facebook/twitter/blog/whatever

No, seriously-- do it. E-Stalk them a bit. Did they delete/block you? Is there someone else liking their pictures or status messages? Is there someone else posting cutesy things or ANYTHING on their page that may seem like you've been replaced? If so, there ya go. It isn't you-- it's someone else. They "won". It's cool. If you're in the dating scene, never assume that you are the only person this other person is macking on. Fo'real... don't be an idiot. Did you read my other blog entry about this? Okay, so now you know. They're just not talking to you because you aren't in their thought process. Again, not your fault. Whatever it is about you just didn't fit their life right now. It's alright. I mean, yeah, shit hurts... but what can you do about it? Call them and leave them an angry voicemail? Txt them about how upset you are and how lied to you feel? What will that solve? NOTHING. It will just make you look batshit crazy and when that other person fucks up... they won't be coming to you for some "I'm so sorry I blew you off" lovings. 

Just sayin'.

Is it around the holidays or anniversary of some kind?

Maybe that person just needs a minute alone. There are a couple weeks out of the year that I refuse to communicate with someone that isn't in my close circle of people. I'm either too busy or too emotionally unavailable and I don't see the point. I can't bring myself to communicate with someone that may not understand or someone I will have to explain my situation to. I don't want to. I refuse to. It just makes me annoyed at the prospect of seeing the sad eyes and the shallow "I'm sorry" about shit they have nothing to do with. I just need that time by myself. Some days I shut my phone off and ignore everyone. Some days I feel so flooded with bullshit and my own shit that I hide my phone from myself in my room and take a walk... or just leave... or just sit in my room with my music too loud and paint. It has nothing to do with whoever I'm not responding to at the time, and everything to do with me. Sometimes I just cut people from my life. Snip, Snip. Just like that. Nothing personal-- I just felt like I needed to downsize socially. Sometimes I accept those people back in at a later date-- sometimes I do not. I know I'm not the only person to do this, so I don't take it personally when I can tell that's what is happening to me. I always think, "Well, maybe at a different time in life," and call it a day.

Maybe they are just an asshole.

Some people are just assholes. They blow people off because it makes them happy inside. They like the chase and the attention. They like the panting, the tease... the "you could have this but I'ma only call you when I want some booty" kind of shit. It works for them and you enable it by allowing it to happen to you. One can only be toyed with but for so long. Don't be a dog, waiting for a treat. Just don't do it. You are better than that. That song Cooler Than Me always pops into my head when I find myself in this scenario. I give that song a couple days to surface in my head before I just back off and then they are the ones I'm blowing off. Honestly-- fuck'em. Well, not in the literal sense.... but you got me, right? No one is worth a game. As an adult-- that shit is so passe and ridiculous. I'm twenty fucking four years old. If I feel like I'm having high school angst over your ass-- don't be surprised if I don't give a shit if you blow me off or feed me some lines. Chances are I'm on to it and either

a) am being a fool for a moment

b) am using you back for something I want

As you can tell I am a little angry about that subject...

But yeah. I hope that helps some. For the most part I try my best not to ignore anyone without reason or at least tell them why I'm blowing them off. It's a respect thing. Chances are if I am blowing you off now it's for one of these reasons... but the last one. I try my best not to be a blatant asshole.

Try, I said try.

Lesbian Internet Dating aka Pen Pals via Internet

Either FireFox hates me or I black out when I type things.

Do you know how embarrassing it is to type not only the wrong word, but misspell it terribly?

So. Frustrating.

It's also not a turn on, I'm sure. I'm trying a stab at online dating. Well, not getting into a relationship with people via the interwebs, but rather finding people on the interwebs that I may want to spend some time with in real life. My word choices and wording has been atrocious. I feel like I need to proof read everything three times before I send a response and yet I still fucking fail at getting it right. I'm not avid at my attempts right now, but more or less enjoying conversation with someone I might have never otherwise gotten acquainted with. It's also fun to see how people describe themselves. I read their resume and critique them like I'm sure they do me. I even come across people I've seen around town and I'm all omigodface and wonder if they even would place me if I inquired. (By "Around town" I mean "I probably drunkenly hit on them while at a bar")

I also ask myself: Should I be embarrassed?

Nah, I tweet too much bullshit to be embarrassed about being caught on a dating site by someone I barely know.

I'm also very interested in the blogs that people link via their profiles. I'm finding fantastic ones. I think I may just take up dating their blogs. It's like dating them but in a creepy.internet.stalker way. Well, maybe not creepy... since I won't be googling them until I find their home address or anything. That's just too much work for me. I prefer to read their sentences and find my common interests amongst their words, wondering if they'd read my blog in the same manner.

Dating sites always amaze me in the way that (generally speaking) people assume these sites are for casual sex only. I also think the approach to online dating is very different if you are heteromale or heterofemale. By being a lesbian it is my duty to find a wife that I will want to spend most of my time with and possibly get an animal together with. (Okay, so not really.) I guess you could say I fail horribly in that aspect. I am just interested in finding a lady to spend some cutesy relationship-like time with. Not to mention-- the coolest profiles I find the chicks are in an entirely different state and/or already involved with someone in their real life existence. I'm not only discouraged by this, it also proves my theory of where I am isn't for me. When I first joined the site it gave me a list of worst states and best states I would probably find a date. I thought it was interesting and a cruel joke at my expense.

My Best States:

1.  Oregon
2.  Massachusetts
3.  Vermont
4.  Colorado
5.  California 

Obviously I don't live in any of those states... and honestly, I have no desire to even visit those listed. Well, maybe Cali but Colorado? Fucking seriously? I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than even spend 10mins in that state. (No offense to anyone who likes it there. Honestly, I've never even been there to judge it properly) It's so landlocked it makes me claustrophobic to even consider it. So right off the bat-- the website, built for finding love, was giving me the middle finger at my aspirations of finding someone that might even likelike me. I mean... come on... couldn't they have at least told me somewhere I might want to move? Or maybe even list a state that is an easy days drive?

My Worst States:
1.  Arkansas
2.  Mississippi
3.  Oklahoma
4.  Alabama
5.  West Virginia

Go ahead, laugh it out. I sure did. I remember a big, belly laugh and covering my mouth to stifle the audacity bubbling up within me as I read the worst state list. I would like to say they made this list purely off of my homo-status and called it a day. Is anyone really surprised by this? No, not at all. Well, I didn't expect you to be.

Then, they continued with the waving of such a rude gesture in my face, tauntingly, as they continued these fancy lists of countries I would be better and worst suited.

My Worst Countries:
1.  Indonesia
2.  Philippines
3.  Malaysia
4.  Thailand
5.  Singapore

No 3rd world countries. Check. I mean... really... this has to be another homo judgement. But then again, America is pretty shitty on the homo-front and it has the means to be more accepting but the Religious Doctrine that is drenching our Politics is just disastrous and holding us back... but that's a-whole-nother blog.

My Best Countries:
1.  Austria
2.  Israel
3.  Belgium
4.  Greece
5.  Switzerland

Again with the sadface. I mean, those all sound like amazing places but with my feeble income I highly doubt I will spent any amount of time in any of those places to find love. It's a nice thought though.... I could be all Elizabeth Gilbert and return home with a paid book deal, focus and lots of sexy time under my sarong. (or whatever the local fashion is)

So yeah... there is is. hah, I never wanted to tell people I had joined a dating site, but I figured what the fuck... more people are on one than you'd expect and there is no shame. Seriously, unless you are using it to find your next murder victim-- Keep on keepin' on!

Just sayin'