Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Make Goals Not Resolutions

Let's do something a little different this year.

If you've been trying to get the same thirty pounds off for the last five years maybe its time to sing a different song?

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Posture Postulation

I've been working on my posture. Posture is everything. It aligns your body. Posture is how people judge you.

Good posture also makes you look leaner and strengthens your abs. This is more for what I'm going for, the rest is just a bonus.

I've finally crossed the 200lb mark. Finally. I had been teetering at 202 for what seems like forever. I got pretty sick and now I'm at 197. Still coughing but I don't feel like death anymore... and my pants fit better! I count that as a win.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Are YOU happy?

Just take a minute.

Lean back in your chair and think about your current situation.

Are you happy?

No... really. Don't bullshit.

Are you happy?

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Victory is mine!

BabyG is almost seven months old. I am now beginning to wear pre-pregnancy clothes. 

I read in various places that since it took nine months to swell your body up with baby you MUST allow yourself at least that long for your body to get back to pre-pregnancy size. This is something that is hard for new mothers to grasp and really allow for other mothers as well.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Blarg and Such

Blarg. I was going to do this whole big thing and rant... but instead I will just share some music videos that best describe how I feel... and you can sort it out.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Shop Smarter

CVS Extreme Couponing:
Saved: $20.72
Spent: $1.20 (Before taxes)
Extra Care Bucks/Store Credit: $4.00
Networth: $1.80 Money Maker!!

I had only ONE manufacture coupon and the rest was Extra Care bucks ($7) I had from a previous purchase, CVS coupons from the machine and register. I thought it was going to be a bust since my CVS had a sign on the door that said cash only and I hardly ever have cash. Luckily there is always another CVS nearby so I went to the next closest my GPS directed me to.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Bad Day

I haven't had a bad day in months. I liked to think of my last bad day as one of my last days on shift of my last job.... until now.

Yesterday was an all around bad day. My lack of sleep catered to my short patience. BabyG is teething. This is basically the run down of yesterday.

It all started by a sleepless night of BabyG waking up every hour because she's teething and constantly wants a boob in her mouth. I woke up more exhausted than what I was before bed. BabyG had her morning happy time for all of an hour then promptly went into screams. Hubby is texting me to bring him food at work and to return some stuff to Wal-Mart. BabyG is crying. I go to get our reusable bags from the spare/stockpile room and on the way down the hall manage to bump the Scentsy plug-in and wax goes EVERYWHERE! Cranberry red splashed on our creamy white apartment wall and beige carpets. BabyG is STILL screaming. I want to pull my hair out. I text Hubby and tell him to fend for himself for lunch and try to scrub up some of the dye from the walls and carpet. To no avail and BabyG is, you guessed it, crying her eyes out.

Fuck it. Back to bed we go! In the short life of BabyG we have had quite a few "re-starts" as I call them. We go back to bed, I nurse her and sometimes I even manage to get in a decent nap. When we are both up from said nap the day generally re-starts a bit better. Well, I turn on Cheers and she gets the last bit from the left boob and screams bloody murder until I move her to the right boob. Halfway through the Cheers episode (A full episode is twenty-one minutes, mind you.) and BabyG is blowing raspberries on my boob and has three fingers shoved in her mouth. I ask her if she's better now and she gives me a slobbery grin and blows more raspberries. I then inform Hubby that I'll go see him after all since BabyG is suddenly in better spirits.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

"Couponing just gets you lots of stuff you don't need"

No one needs toilet paper and deodorant. Nobody loves free stuff... and some other lies I'm to lazy to come up with. 

I've worked in radio. Working in radio has put a few things in perspective for me. 

- People LOVE free stuff!
I don't care if it's a bottle opener and you refuse to use glass products or an XXL tee-shirt and you're a 98lb, 5'7" person. If it's free you'll most likely snatch it (and three more) off the table and run like you stole it. People worship free. 

- People want an amazing deal without working for it.
Same goes for wanting money but not wanting to get a job for it. Or wanting to win a car but not filling out every sweepstakes that becomes available to them. Laziness. Pure laziness. 

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Stock .waitforit. Pile!

I've been depressed due to money issues and various first world problems. I've been trying to validate myself as a house maid and stay at home mom. Some days I just want to set stuff on fire and laugh like a creepy kid in a horror flick while other days I'm left with a void stare and some teeny bopper vampire shows.

Today I somehow broke out of that. I don't know if it's the fact that we have enough food in the house to last us a few weeks if need be. (Along with toilet paper, diapers, wipes, toothpaste and deodorant.) Or if it's getting a new phone today or if it's seeing BabyG roll over and over and over and over today. That's her thing today, rolling over. She's been sticking her tongue out and laughing at random things. She's officially the cutest sideshow in town.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

CVS Couponing Attempt #1

I don't feel like I did very well. I spent $14 out of pocket... but I do have a $3 credit for whenever I go back and try this again. So I guess that brings it down to $11.

As you can see, I broke it up into two purchases so I could use the bucks instantly. The first one was the most out of pocket ($9) but I got $6 back instantly and used that on my next purchase... so in a way, it was only $3... but I feel like I was just able to recycle that $6 and not actually save it. The second was $5.42 and I saved $13 and received $3 for my next purchase. So you could say I only spent $2 on the last one.. if you want to look at it that way.

Sunday, July 14, 2013


I'm attempting to coupon.

I'm not awesome at it. I spent a couple hours today trying to round up the coupons and sales and still spent more than I saved. But, I did save a good amount compared to what I spent so that's better than nothing. I was averaging $30 savings a trip and today I saved $51. (I don't think that counts the $10 I saved using my dependent card at Target) I used cellphone coupons, the Target Cartwheel app (Which is AMAZING, by the way. Even if you aren't big on coupons. It reminds me of the "cash back" stuff on credit cards) and good ole print outs and manufacturing coupons.

I went with Hubby. I think next time I plan on couponing I need to go with just me and stick to my list. I want to do that extreme couponing stuff and I want to stock up so I can have endless food. I want to have organized hoarding like those chicks do on TV. I need to find out how to do multiple purchases and such. I'm freaking out a bit.

My babysitting job fell through and I officially quit my cellphone job. I have to make up for that loss of money somewhere. I have to. I'm falling into a dark hole. I can tell Hubby is stressed because of our money situation and I want to do what I can to pull my own weight.... other than being a housewife. Doing laundry doesn't pay the bills, ya know?

I'm learning to save my Redplum inserts and not cut them out unless I plan on using them. I'm learning to not print out coupons unless I plan on using them. The couponing blogs usually link a printable anyway. I just want to pull a big haul for $20 instead of this kind of bogo thing I have going on. Anyone have any tips? Any websites you go to? Have YOU mastered the multiple purchase small dollar amount?

Back to youtube and couponmom I go...

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Nicolas Cagey

I keep starting a blog and never finishing it. Either on the computer or in my head I've written quite a few blogs I just can't seem to get over here and type the damn thing out.

I even started writing it on my phone just to get into some rambly rant thing that just didn't jive right. So here I am, attempt number twenty. Put a stamp on it.

I've been writing a lot in my apocalypse blog. I've gotten sudden inspiration for it. It just started pouring out. Maybe it's because I've felt caged lately. Sequestered. Itching to get out but no where to really go. I'm relearning myself as a person. I'm Mom now. I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in it, though. I think that's how women become twisted and catty. I'm Mom but I'm also me. Zombie and music loving knit hippy. Yup, that's me. But now I change diapers, worry over that noise I just heard and I make sure to read the latest Parent magazine from cover to cover. O, and Pinterest is my bro. I read more recipes than anything else recently. Maybe that's why I'm cagey, I haven't read a book since I got back from NC.

 Cagey... ha...
Nicolas Cagey.

But anyway... that's been my life as of now. I'm pretty surprised as the amount of traffic my blog has gotten. One post and it doubled it's all time views in a week. Maybe I'll actually stick with it this time. Eh. Who knows? I do need to get out of the house though. I keep missing my knitting group. I feel like I shifted "my week" to Thursday to Thursday so I could catch it and I still realize it's Saturday and then I'm all, "Dammit, man! What happened to Thursday?!"

I think I'm slowly overdosing on coffee and Cheers. I really do need to start reading again. I can't lose myself in the zombie apocalypse. There is too much life around me for that. Too much pint sized life. I'm starting to see what people mean by seeing life through their eyes. Her expressions, her smile, the way she blows raspberries... everything. She's just adorable. Her eyes follow you across the room. She even does a sad face if you walk away from her and she wasn't done playing yet.

And what is it with kids and losing ONE SOCK?!

Friday, May 24, 2013

Sometimes you just need to cry

Learning how to be a parent is exhausting. Not only does everyone have an opinion, throw in some lack of sleep and realizing you haven't showered in a week... all you want to check yourself into the nut house for some quiet time.

A week or so ago I had a moment of, "Don't look back" and then instantly felt guilty.

It had been a horrible day. BabyG woke up consistently every few hours during the night and then at 3am went into an extreme fit. She wouldn't latch on to breast feed in the bed and was punching and scratching my chest and nipples. OUCH! I might add. This form of restlessness means she is DONE with trying to sleep, or at the very least done with being in the bed. I move to the living room and change her diaper (Which always seems to be full). She plays for a few minutes before getting mad again, I lay on the floor and nurse next to her. I dose off on the floor next to her feeling like a mother cat with a kitten. I awake about an hour later to her screams, she had awoken from her little cat nap and was hungry again. I move to the rocking chair and hope to get a bit more sleep out of her. I manage to get a few more hours of sleep with her secured to me by pillows in the chair. Hubby wakes up and playfully kisses me awake. All of my small amount of energy is used to not jump from the chair and strangle him. I was sleeping the best all night and every second is precious.

The entire day is spent nursing every 45mins and listening to screaming if I have to go to the bathroom or fix myself something to eat. I'm so tired the entire day I can barely form a thought. I keep telling myself she's my daughter and I should love her. I'm so lucky to have a baby when so many people all over the world would love to be in my situation. I have some close friends that keep trying and not succeeding. I should be grateful, I tell myself, this is a blessing. Children are a blessing, BabyG is healthy and growing. I search the internet about her nursing habits, I check her temperature, everything is normal. It's a growth spurt, her doctor's appointment was in just a couple days away so I decided to stick it out as long as her temperature stayed normal.

Before I know it the sun has dipped behind the horizon and I'm starving. I had managed to eat a few things that take the less effort possible but we hadn't gone grocery shopping so we needed something and quick because my patience was well overspent.

Hubby gets home and changes into his comfy street clothes and plops down on the couch to play on his phone with little to no response to my inquiry on dinner. This is something new has been doing, the tango of who's going to do what. No hint of moving when a decision is made so it makes me think we're at a stand off. The anger builds behind my eyes and flexes it's muscles, I hand him his angry baby who had been nursing for almost a full hour and said, "I'll go. You stay here. Text me what you want." With that, I was out. I stuck the key in and pushed the button to start the car. I had a surge of excitement as I slowly pulled out of the apartment parking lot. This was the first time I was out of the house without the baby. My self awareness slowly seeped back. My teeth weren't brushed, I looked down and noticed I was basically in pajamas and with a glance in the mirror I see my nasty hair-- When was my last shower? Well, fuck.

I was just going through a drive through anyway, I reasoned with myself. Who cares. I'm still fuming about how passive and "who cares" attitude Hubby had when very obviously I was starving and it would've been nice if he had offered to help me with his daughter. I drove the exact speed limit to expand my time out of the house. "We don't have onion rings," the first place I stopped at tells me through the speaker box. Her attitude was too much. "Fuck this place. Cancel my order." I bark at her through the box. Okay, she had some tude but cussing at her wasn't nice. I thought about apologizing but I knew anything I had ordered in it's place would come with special teenage spit-sauce so I decided to go somewhere else instead. I drive in the opposite direction and decide I need wine. I instantly knew why my BFF use to tell me about drives she would take, just circling around my tiny little town wasting a few hours to blow off some steam. She would just use the time to gathering herself and maybe cry to herself about the recent frustrations.

I parked in front of a department store and cried. I turned the car off and sobbed as loud as my body would allow. People slowly walked by and tried to stare without me noticing. I didn't care. I wanted to scream: "I HAVE A BABY AT HOME, I NEED THIS! SHUT YOUR FACE!" I rested my forehead on the steering wheel and let the tears roll down my nose and drop, drop, drop down into my lap. I shouldn't have cussed at the fast food chick, no matter how snotty she was. Her day was obviously going south as it were. Hell, I may have just projected her being snotty and she wasn't even meaning to sound the way she did. Maybe Hubby wasn't being evasive when he got home? Was I projecting that too? No, he was totally being evasive and avoidy and totally unacceptable. I check the time, I've been gone for twenty minutes at this point. Twenty glorious minutes. I tell myself I'll take a full hour. Yeah, fuck it. I had just fed BabyG before I left so I deserve an hour, she won't be starving.

I even entertained the thought of not going back at all. What would happen if I just took off? I grip the steering wheel with both hands at ten and two. I flex my fingers and close my eyes. I imagined seeing the road slip underneath the car in the night. I picture me driving to Florida and sleeping on the beach then waking up the next day to finish the drive to North Carolina. I just wanted to cry on BFF's shoulder and curl up on her couch in a drunken stupor. Yeah, I could do that. I tried to factor in how much gas money I'd need. Wait. What am I doing? I can't leave my baby, I can't leave Hubby. What would Hubby do with me gone? He'd do fine. I knew he'd do fine. BabyG would be fed formula and Hubby would divorce me and find a beautiful woman that BabyG would call Mommy and forget all about me. I was the deadbeat mom. He was the savior. My stomach turned at the thought of someone else raising my kid. I couldn't do that. I tried to beat myself up about thinking about such an atrocious thing but there wasn't enough room in my soul for more sadness.

I spent a full hour shopping for my wine and just taking laps around the store. It felt nice to walk around unattached. I kept checking my phone and wondered why Hubby hadn't texted me yet. Did he even care I was gone? Whatever, I thought. Maybe he is mad at me. O well, I'm mad at him, I thought. I picked up a few things on a whim and decided I needed a book. Growing up in a small town with a bunch of dumb rednecks I quickly learned that reading was a prime escape when I couldn't physically disappear. I self medicated with wine and a book. I paid for my items and realized I would still need to bring home food. I stopped at a burger place attached to the same parking lot just in time to receive a text message.

  -Where are you?
 -I'm on my way home.

Nothing else. He didn't ask where I had been or inquire more about anything. Augh. As I'm parking I can see in through our open window, he is pacing with BabyG. He stops when he notices me and looks pissed as I'm unloading the bags from the car. I think about getting back in the car and driving off. No, I think, I have to face this. I make my way up the stairs and put some groceries away and pour myself a glass of wine. BabyG's lips were dry and she looks uncomfortable. Hubby drops some guilt on me about how hungry she is. I was only gone two hours. Whatever, I think, who cares? I'm just baby food. I had resigned myself to being an object rather than a person.

"Where is your food?" He asks.
"I decided not to eat." I respond. He just stares at me. I take a seat next to him and notice he's eating french fries, "Are there onion rings in the bag?"
"Goddammit. The whole fucking reason I went there was because the first place 'didn't have anymore onion rings' Stupid bastards." My rage is way too much at that point. I just lean my head back on the couch and try to shove it all back in the bottle.
"You okay?" He asks.
"No, I'm not." I instantly start crying, his face softens. I unload on him how I felt while I was out.
"You matter too, ya know." He says, shoving fries in his mouth. "You want some?" 
I shake my head no.
"You need to eat. You have to eat. BabyG depends on you. What's wrong?"
I cry a little harder, I only exist so she can. Great. What about me? "I'm just depressed."
He gives me a really long look, I look away but every time I look back he is still looking at me, searching for something to say then he breaks the silence, "Anything I can do?"

It's moments like that, that validate why I married him. Then I realized that if I had left we would've never had that conversation. It's so easy to leave, it's so much harder to stick with it. No matter how easy it is to be in love with Hubby, co-existing with someone and raising a third party is difficult. Juggling each other, work and a baby is hard. Being under the universe's thumb while trying to successfully function is hard.

Reading has helped, by the way. Hubby has started helping around the house more and the next day wasn't quite as hard. Every day it seems like BabyG lays on the floor longer, is happier with more tummy time and some times I even get a little longer between feedings. Every day is different. Some days are a breeze while others are full of challenges. I'm grateful and very lucky to have a spouse that is willing to put forth an effort and help me when requested. He even helps without my request, too. While I have a great support group they are on separate coasts and it isn't an easy drive. None of our friends here have kids and meeting people is hard. I'm glad I didn't leave but now I understand why people do... But leaving is a bad choice, it leaves lots of room for regret. 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Through a Window

I've heard a lot of new mothers (and mothers of older children) all express the isolation that comes with caring for a newborn. I had never felt that until tonight.

Mostly my days consist of trying to wake up and by noon I feel like I should do something other than be in pajamas. By two o'clock I have changed into yoga pants and take my hour walk. By the time I get back home around three-ish (or four-ish depending on how prompt I was at two to leave the house) I come home, shower and cool off or do some arm stuff with the little weights my mom bought me for mothers day. Either way, it's a time warp to eight pm when Hubby comes home. I don't know how my day just breezes by so fast but it does. My whole day just vanishes before my eyes.

Not today thought...

today crawled...

Because I had plans.

Yup, that's right! I had made PLANS! To go somewhere! Without Hubby, for a knitting group. Knitting is my thing. I had found a group online that is local and was going to meet them at a coffee shop. I started getting ready hours before, pacing. Meeting new people is a big thing for me. I have to mentally prepare myself. It takes stuffing my anxiety deep within myself and tricking myself into thinking I'm a social butterfly. I told BabyG all day about our adventure to a coffee shop to knit with some nice ladies from the internet. I told her she had to be strong for me, because I was very nervous about the whole thing.

 Her little eyes grew big as I put on make up for the first time in months and curled my hair. She didn't recognize me. I had to talk to her and kiss her to remind her I'm her mother. Her mother with make up and hair fixed. A mother she had never seen before. As I convinced her I was her mother, I convinced myself I could do this. I waited to be kind of early but late for the time given to meet. I didn't know anyone so I wanted to recognize the group of ladies knitting rather than them having to approach me.

Did I mention when I'm graciously nervous about an event I always show up extremely early?

Well, I wasn't extremely early but I was early nonetheless. That's okay though, I thought. I needed to get out of the house anyway. Spend a few dollars on myself and soak up being in public with my face painted on and my hair being the best it has been in days. I bought my tea and cookies. I nervously glanced around while I purchased said items and spotted no one knitting. Fuck. I'm early. But I was... eight minutes late. Fuck. O well, I take a seat outside on the patio by the door. I post on the forum of the group and tell them where I'm at and what I'm wearing. Someone response with "I'm late, but I'll be there!" so I'm hopeful.

Well, an hour and a half rolls by and no one has approached me a I, either didn't see, or overlooked ladies walking in with knitting supplies. BabyG has officially gotten bored with her surroundings and even though I bravely breastfed her in public she was done with her nap as well. As I gulp down my last sips of tea in a rush to escape this public place with a screaming baby I glance in to the coffee shop and notice a group of ladies laughing and knitting. It was like in a movie. Sound stopped, I could hear their laughter louder for a split second and then was vacuumed back out into the reality outside. I could hear only birds and their laughter. I was back in high school again and the cool kids were kicking me out of a conversation I know something about. I was all dressed up for prom and my date was dancing with another girl. My internet date had turned out to be a classmate playing a cruel joke on me. I was alone. I was literally outside looking in on something I wanted to be apart of.

Obviously I'm an adult now and these ladies don't know me. They might have recognized me from the forum but are just as coy as I am. I can rationalize why I wasn't approached or simply they just didn't see me.... or it wasn't them at all. All day I had thought about the conversations I could have with these ladies and possible friendships that could grow from it. I thought about what they would be like. I paced the house today worried they would hate me and I would get coffee poured on me and they would drag me out by my hair. Okay, so maybe that last one is a bit extreme but I haven't "put myself out there" to meet people in such a way for awhile and last time I was in a knitting group there was a forty year gap between me and the second youngest.

I played out the scenario of me going in and awkwardly introducing myself and then saying "Hello. Goodbye." No, I couldn't do that. BabyG was very serious about not wanting to be there anymore and Hubby was due home soon. The empty cup hits the trashcan and I let out a big sigh. O well.

Maybe next week.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Boob Milk Guilt

I'm not super woman.
I'm not even super girl, or one of teen titans.
Aw hell, Ben 10 has it on me.

I feel like I'm constantly going all day but I don't get anywhere. I'm on a treadmill on the moon.
I am also still not able to claim my body as mine just yet. I have to make sure I'm eating enough to make enough breast milk. None of my clothes fit and I feel like I'm carrying around a deflated tire. I'm constantly thirsty because of the breastfeeding. Sometimes BabyG refuses to go to anyone else... Or anywhere else. It's exhausting.

A month and a half in and I feel like I can finally catch my breath but to what avail?  The apartment is a mess. It takes me two days to do one load of laundry and I'm lucky to make myself a meal much less have one prepared for Hubby when he gets off of work.

There is so much guilt associated with motherhood as well. No wonder women get depressed after having a baby. The weight of it all is almost unbearable. So much pressure on all sides. I'm somewhere between "Don't ever let your baby cry" and "cry it out" just to keep MY sanity. I'm still a person and if I want to brush my teeth without holding a baby, well, she's just going to have to be pissed about it out of harms way in her safe area to scream in. I refuse to feel guilty about her being upset if 20% of the time I just let her be pissed.
I've been reading a lot of theories on infants and how to deal with them. Also, since I'm breastfeeding I have to avoid certain foods and if I even smell alcohol I'm considered a terrible wretch and should be burned at the stake. Seriously?! Sometimes a glass of wine nearing the end of my day is the ONLY thing to relax me enough to sleep. Coffee is a must. Some days I avoid coffee AND my treat of wine. Sometimes I have coffee and no wine, other times I have TWO glasses of wine after having no coffee all day.

Some of you are hiking those eyebrows way up into your hairline. Ya know what? Shaddup. Ya heard me. I just got all Brooklyn on you and I'm from North Carolina! Where kids run around shirtless and don't shower for weeks at a time. I've seen facebook photos of people bottle feeding their infants iced tea and even soda. I've watched teen moms smoke and do drugs in the same room as their months old children. So don't you judge me about my small indiscretions. Got it? Honestly, I feel as though I am the average new mom. There is no shame in moderately giving into your mild addictions from prebaby days, ladies. None! Don't misread me though-- if you did heavy drugs or drank to the extreme I am NOT advocating that behavior (even though people equate my two cups of coffee to a crack addiction). I'm just saying don't feel guilty because you had a glass of wine with dinner and didn't pump and dump.

Friday, March 29, 2013

More Music

There is something about being awake when the sky lightens up into a new day that brings me back to all of my past misgivings and lonely nights previous.

Is this where the real me hides? In the dusk before dawn and the silence before the birds awake?

BabyG woke up around four o'clock this A-M. I decided to bite the bullet and just go into the living room with her. She was wide awake. I spoke to her and laughed at her confused expressions on her new born face. She had no idea what I was talking about.. or she did and I sound absurd to her.

I've had a lot of time to myself these last couple days. My distractions have been minimal since I'm trying to gear myself more towards music again and less towards television. BabyG needs to be exposed more to tunes than reality TV. Just sayin'

Well, in this reflection I've been trying to convince myself that this isn't the life that I want because it's what I've always done. I had long decided that I would be single, child-free and always broke as a joke. Now, I have someone that cares for me, takes care of me and helped me produce the cutest little baby, ever. (Everyone says that about their own children, so suck it.) I couldn't be happier. I mean-- seriously. Three years ago I would've called you nutso if you told me I'd have a kid... muchless who WITH.

I mean, really? Hubby? Pssh.
He hates me and stuff and gay things about me.
Yeah... fo'realz, yo.

Now I spend every night with him and I helped produce a beautiful daughter for him. We have an awesome apartment and we not only have food to readily eat, we also have a budget to go somewhere to get food if we want. There is gas in my car and I'm by no means suffering. I don't have this strained artist thing about me anymore. I'm... gasp... a housewife. While I'm not working that is what I am. My main thing is to keep the kid alive and clean the house. Augh, that feels nasty thinking about. I never thought I'd be pegged the home goddess. I always aspired for more. I don't plan on settling in this new job description but I can easily see how people can get swept up in it. Hubby and I have been having long conversations about our five year plan. Having a kid grounds you. By the time she's in school we want to be out of Louisiana and I in a job I enjoy and he in a job that makes him the amount of money he desires.

I can't help but think about my parents at this stage in their marriage. Was my father always the asshat he is now or did he start out better? Did he coo over me as a new born as Hubby does over BabyG? Did my father stress about giving me everything I wanted as a teenager before I could even form my first word? Did my parents have long discussions about life?

I keep thinking about BFF and the first time I met her. Her first child was still breastfeeding and was right before the scooting stage. I remember how detached she was; a little bitter about life but hardly negative. She was a housewife for quite a few months. It wasn't ever her plan either. Now, twins later, she isn't a housewife anymore and she has a degree she is using at her current job. I keep telling myself I should allow myself months instead of days to get things done. BabyG is a few days over two weeks old. Life is just starting for us. Just like them. To be honest, BFF has been my role model in all of this. To me, she's the perfect balance of mother, wife and employee. (She is probably laughing at the idea of being perfect at anything-- but that's why I love her. So modest.) Did I mention she's skinny and runs ten miles like you would tie your shoes?! I want to be like her. Well, I still want to be me but I want to be able to handle life the way she does. I want to meet my goals head on and I want Hubby to be proud of me and everyone else be jealous of us. I want people to say, "No way, you look so good!" when I tell them I have kids and I want to be proud of the paycheck I bring in. I keep reminding myself of the BFF I met that first night though, because that's where I'm at now.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

What they never tell you :aka: I had a baby

Wow, I could write a novel at this point.

BabyG was born on March 12th at 10:41am. I had thirty-five hours of labor, about three hours of it was in "active labor" the rest was in a marathon of chemicals trying to get my little uterus dweller evicted. I wanted a chemical free labor, instead I got pre-eclampsia and was told I would be induced at thirty-seven weeks. Devastated, I participated in all of the blood drawing, the peeing in a jug for 24hrs and being told once again that I do have pre-eclampsia. I had very little to no swelling (For even just being pregnant) and I felt that my blood pressure only correlated with my lack of patience as a very round pregnant lady... not scary levels that mean a possible seizure.

I wanted a tub birth. I wanted to use the tub with jets to ease contractions until I could push in the birthing tub. I wanted to go into labor at 40+ weeks and have my water break naturally. I wanted to be able to call Hubby and tell him the baby was coming on her terms-- no one else. I wanted relaxing music in the background as I eased myself into the pushing process. I wanted Hubby rubbing my back as he told me how awesome and womanly I am in between pushes. I wanted it to be a moment he and I would bond over and be able to relive every year during her birthday, embarrassing all of her friends with our gritty details of her birth.

Not to say I didn't get any of those things. I did not get a tub birth, I had managed to have my mom fly in before I had given birth so she was there for many of the contractions and helped me through pushing. There was no music playing as I pushed, I did not get to ease into pushing while sitting in a jetted tub. I did cave and get a shot of pain killer that is meant to induce sleep for an hour.... twice. I did get induced three weeks early. I had an IV hooked up and liquid induction pumped through my veins after a destructive drug in pill form was shoved against my cervix trying to force it to soften. I made decisions against my better judgement. I forced my baby out in the world three weeks early because I followed one doctor's opinion instead of getting a second opinion or switching hospitals like I had originally wanted.

Decisions were made and stuck by. I let the doctors win, in some people's opinion. I'm left with those decisions. Me. Those will be my burden when I recall the events that lead up to the birth of our daughter. In the moment, I felt strapped but never officially bullied. Well, except my first nurse. I hated that cunt, I'm very pleased I didn't give birth while she was on staff. Anyway, those were Hubby and I's decisions. We made uncomfortable decisions based on medical opinions that were never double checked. I will always remember my doctor asking me, "Do you want a balloon inserted to your vaginal area to compress against the cervix and coax it open or would you rather me just break your water and start you on the pitosin?" As I chose the latter I felt defeated and as I felt the gush of water run down my butt and flow around me on the hospital bed I felt the heaviest guilt I have ever felt in my entire life. I cried to myself when the doctor and nurse left the room. Hubby had gone home to shower and eat. I'm so glad he missed my water being broken. At that point we had been at the hospital over night and I had barely dilated at all. My contractions were so minimal and so far apart. BabyG's heartbeat was consistent and beautiful though. It seemed like all we did that first day was listen to her heartbeat. I cried and apologized to her, I didn't want her to enter the world this way: In a "rush" and not on her terms.

Twelve hours later I start having serious contractions, bouncing on a yoga ball was my main relief. After my water had broken I continuously leaked water. Bloody, gross water. It hurt to make even the most minimal movements. My pelvic area was widening and I could feel it in my bones. My only relief was making animalistic noises. Low ones at first, I tried not to sound too weird but after showing my butt to every nurse for the last day and basic strangers shoving their three or four fingers deep into my vagina counting the space in my cervix I decided it was too late for poise. At thirty hours of barely anything happening but a lot of pain my lower back and an endless stream of nasty water leaking from my vag, I was so over myself. The pain would swell from my bottom and wrap it's painful arms around my lower belly. They weren't like menstrual cramps, it was like a 'I totally lifted that very heavy item totally wrong' kind of pain. I had finally reached 4cm dilated after days of being on an IV drip and I remember them telling me I was almost to five and after five it should be quick and if I wanted the epidural that would be the time to get it. By the time I reached a "solid five" I was in unearthly pain. I couldn't be on the ball anymore and leaning into the contraction no longer helped to relieve the pain. Five is only halfway, most everyone knows ten is the magic pushing number. I was in so much pain my whole body trembled and crying through the contraction was the only way to get through it. I woke Hubby from sleep more than once yelling out in pain, both he and my mom would rub my back, my shoulders, my neck-- anything. I remember at one point my mom trying to rub my lower back through a contraction that had helped before just made the needles get deeper in my back. I described it as feeling like a pitchfork was being shoved through my lower-back and protruding through my front lower abdomen. I had a couple hours of this. I begged the nurse for another shot of pain medicine. I stressed that I didn't want an epidural, in my mind seven was my lucky number. If I could get to seven. If I could just sleep until I got to seven.

I asked her to check me again before she gave me the shot though. The nurse before her told me she wouldn't give me the shot at five centimeters because it could slow labor. This nurse said if I didn't budge from five from the last time she had checked me, she wouldn't mind easing my pain for a little while and felt I deserved a nap. When she told me I was still at five my mom said she could see how defeated I was. When the nurse left to get the pain killer shot I sobbed to Hubby and my mom that I couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me. Hubby looked me in the eye and told me how good I was doing and that he knew I could do it. My mom told me I wouldn't be any less of a person if I took the epidural and that I was a warrior for wanting to go without an epidural. I had decided that if I woke up in the hour or two the shot gave me without dilating at all, I would take the epidural.

Thirty minutes later I feel the pain swell in my bottom and wrap around to my belly. I hear myself moan in pain but I'm not sure if I'm awake or not. My mind was organizing colors and shapes. This mechanical claw was coming from heaven and organizing items similar to chess pieces on this square board. Not quite checkerboard square but a grid none-the-less. All of the colors were the same. The claw would hover and snatch the one in the middle away and place the wrong color and wrong shape in the pattern and it would make the pain swell in my bottom, I had disrupted the pattern and had to pay. The pain would wrap around my belly. Still in the dream I would rush to correct the pattern. The pain would subside. Again, the claw would chase across the board and snatch up a piece and replace it out of order. I opened my eyes to see a nurse checking the computer next to me. I was bent forward and clutching the railing of the bed. Trembling I ask her why I was still in pain. It hadn't been an hour, it didn't feel like an hour. Why was I still in pain? Please, dear baby Jesus tell me why I was still in pain. O, and I need to pee. I need to pee BAD!

Both Hubby and Mom had settled down to nap while I napped, they were as emotionally checked out as I was physically. My mom stirred, the nurse left to retrieve another nurse. I tried to lean into the contraction and an immense pain shot up my spine and I gripped the opposite railing on the bed facing my mom and Hubby. I heard the railing shake as I screamed that I couldn't escape the pain anymore. I sobbed that I couldn't do it. I gave up. Just kill me. Mom jumped to my side as if to catch the pain I was trying to discard. I had never seen Hubby jump up so fast from the couch and look at me completely lost on how to approach helping me. I didn't have any idea on how to tell him to help me other than put me out of my misery. I apologized, I told him I'd have to get the epidural. I was done. I couldn't do it.

The two nurses hustled back in and in a blink I was laying on my back and my nurse checked me as I pulled away from her, "I can't feel a cervix, maybe a little on this side?" The other nurse went opposite of me, "I need to check her." I whimpered and told her no, I think. "No, I'm going to check you." She forced my legs open and shoved what felt like her entire arm up there. "She's ready. She's nine, maybe ten. She's ready." She looked at me, "Sorry, sweetie, but I had to check you. You're ready. Your body is trying to push." I told her I wasn't ready to push, I just had to pee. We argued about it. She got me a bed pan and when I tried to pee nothing came out. "Thought so." she said and they disappeared out the door. I was still very high from the shot.

I blink. 
I could hear stirring in the room, I can hear myself yell from the pain. I can hear my mom sniffling from crying.
I blink.
"If you feel the need to push, you go ahead and push." The other nurse tells me. I don't even know if I look at her.
I blink.
"Come over here, she's ready to push. Go over there, Mom. Get on the other side." I can feel Mom taking my other hand as Hubby squeezes my right hand.
Contraction, I push. I can't help it, I push.
"Wait, wait! We need a doctor!" I hear. "No we don't! We got this!" The other nurse says, holding my leg. Then I notice her and the original nurse are both holding a leg. When did that happen? They talk briefly about some other doctor that isn't mine that is suppose to stop by. I scream again and push again. I push because it makes the pain stop.
I blink.
My doctor is in my face, everything around her is blurry. "Just hold on, Beth. Let me change into scrubs. You're doing great. Just let me change and you're all set." She taps me on my shoulder and I remember trying to recall what she was wearing. Wasn't she wearing scrubs already? The pain swells, I hear a nurse tell me it's okay to push so I push through the pain. I don't feel like I'm doing anything but it helps the pain.
I blink.
I look up to Hubby and his eyes are red and he tries to smile at me. I try to focus, I tell myself I need to remember what he looks like. I need to remember this. Pain, I push.
I blink. 
My mom is telling me how awesome I am and how great I'm doing. Hubby is squeezing my arm reassuringly. I look down and notice the room has easily ten nurses in it. Didn't my birthing plan say less people as possible? Pain, I push.
I blink.
My doctor is already between my legs casually sitting sideways on the bed, "Am I helping you? Do you need guidance when pushing?" Yes, I tell her. I don't know what I'm doing. Help, I need help. "You're doing great." She says.

I'm kind of awake by now. I can feel pressure from my doctor pushing fingers inside of me trying to help me open up while I push. I keep telling everyone, "I can't!" when they want me to pull my legs back and do a crunch into the contraction while I push. That seemed like way too much work. I kept exclaiming how tired I am, Hubby keeps telling me to push. I didn't want to let go of him. I was so tired. After thirty minutes of pushing I can tell the difference between a bowel push and a vaginal push. I would mentally tell myself which type of push I needed. I kept trying to push even when there wasn't a contraction. I wanted it all over. I wanted BabyG  here already. I knew if I could get some of her out, all of her would come out.

Pain comes and I push. Pushing felt so nice. I could feel wider. "Your baby has hair!" The other nurse exclaimed.
"She has lots of hair!" Hubby says.
"She's going to be beautiful!" Mom says.

Pain comes and I push, I push with all my might. "That was a perfect push!" my doctor says, "I need two more just like that."

Pain. Push. Pain. Push. "O no. She's stuck. I need the bed broken down. Now. Do it." my doctor says. Pain, I push. As I'm pushing the bed suddenly gives way under my butt and after some instruction I don't understand the other nurse leans into my stomach. "Got it!" my doctor exclaims, "One more push, Beth! Some on She-rah! You can do this!" I push again and it was a burning gush and relief all at once. It felt like I had pushed a slimy turkey out. I could feel her arms and legs all folded together come out of me. I could feel as the doctor gently tugged on her little body to help her come out. I look up at Hubby and he is looking at the doctor with tears running down his face, my mom is cheering me on and telling me I had done it. I had done something she had never been able to do. I had given birth without an epidural. She knew I could do it. I don't hear crying so I'm panicking on the inside. They place BabyG on my chest, she cocks her little head up and opens one eye wide. We make eye contact, "Oh. my. god. You're real." Is all I manage to say. "You're here. Lia, you're here." With her one eye wide open she gives me a weak smile. Hubby is squeezing my arm. They begin to wipe her off and BabyG begins to cry. I can feel the whole room relax with each cry BabyG belts out.

Obviously some of this might not be 100% accurate since I was in a great deal of pain and I only kind of remember some of it while other moments are so clear to me it's almost like I can walk right back into that moment. I also left some of it out and possibly skewed some of the timeline. Again, pain. I do remember my doctor asking very sternly why my birthing plan wasn't being followed and why I didn't have a tub out and she made the nurses feel kind of shitty for not giving me my tub birth-- but honestly, I jumped from five to ten so fast I don't blame them and I was screaming to get the baby out as fast as possible. Things don't always go as planned. Going into this I had the mindset of all of my ideas of childbirth being a loose rendition of what may actually happen. I knew the common goal was to have a breathing baby. I accepted that for the sake of my offspring, my desires would have to take the sidelines or simply-- there wasn't enough time.

What could I change if I could? The unchangeable.

I wouldn't have hemorrhoids. I wouldn't have Hubby seen me like he did, but I would have been terribly sad if he wasn't there during the process like he was. I wouldn't have pre-eclampsia. I would have changed hospitals at twenty-five weeks like I had wanted to. (But honestly, whos to say it wouldn't have happened exactly like this over there too?) I wouldn't have bled so much after. I wouldn't have a baby with jaundice. I wouldn't have to use a squirt bottle on my junk after I pee... and so on.

During my very painful contractions I kept telling myself, "Three days from now I'm going to feel like a total badass."

I was right.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Crazy Pregnant Dream

Lately I haven't had any baby-related dreams, it's mainly been me in my regular weirdo dreamscape and someone mentioning that I shouldn't be doing "that" or "this" because I'm pregnant and me denying it because I didn't "feel" pregnant in the dream.

Well, lastnight I had a bought of insomnia and I think that played a part. At a last stitch effort at 3am I took some nyquil and crawled into bed with my snoring husband. It had to be nyquil induced weirdness because at some point I could physically feel myself clinging to my hubby while my mind went on an adventure.

I was standing at the threshold at the old church I went to as a kid. It is a building built well over 100 years ago and I've always felt it was haunted. Well, the door frame was lined with people from my childhood and pictures of myself. One side was just numbers and names while the other side was the pictures from the past. I stood there kind of weepy like I knew everyone had died, even me. Hubby appears beside me and startles me when he puts a hand on my shoulder, "Do you miss them?" he asks.
"I'm just sad they will miss this." I say as I rub my baby bump.
"Tell me something about this one.." He says pointing to pictures. I tell him little stories related to each picture, like I had been there for each shot. I turn around at some point because I hear a noise and I'm at Michaels, searching for yarn for a baby blanket for a friend and for a scarf for my mother. I search and search and run down and aisle of yarn that was easily miles long, I take a bend around the corner and I see myself laying down, eyes closed and my baby rolling around in the swollen belly of myself on the ground. My neice and nephew along with my hubby's neices and nephews were crouched around the laying down me.

We stood there, watching my baby press fingers and toes against the laying down me's skin. We counted the fingers and toes. "Aunt B, help her out of there. She doesn't want to be in there anymore." My 5yro neice says, tugging on the standing me's arm.

"She's not ready yet." I say, bending down and cup my palms around the rolling baby like I was helping her out of a puddle, "She needs a few more weeks, then we can meet her." With my hands cupped around the skin shape of a baby the infant in utero presses her face against the belly skin and grins. I withdrawl my hands and take a few steps back.

"She wants to meet you too." My neice smiles up at me and takes me by the hand.

I wake up with serious pressure on my bladder. I had to pee.

I can still remember most everything about that dream. It's been replaying in my head. How creepy everything was. Everywhere in the dream (except Michael's) was covered in dead, brown leaves. I was mortified when I woke up.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Home Stretch!

Pregnant Log
Pregnant: 29 Weeks ]
Mood Swings: Insecure. Weepy. Mess. ]
Cravings: Peanut butter, Waffles, Ice cream, Ice cream. ]

Holy Guacamole!
I have 11 weeks left!
Just eleven weeks!
That's insane!
Look, another exclamation mark!

Okay, I'm done freaking out now... kind of. We still have nothing for the baby. I say nothing but we have a bassinet but no sheets... one skirt and a few stuffed animals. O, and a Bumbo that she can't use until she's a couple months old. I've been hyperventilating about it and Hubby reassures me that it will all fall into place and I shouldn't stress so much. I wish I had his level of confidence.

I have also long acknowledged that I could very well make it two weeks past my due date before they start breathing down my neck about chemically inducing and that nasty C-section thing. I really hope I don't have to have a C-section. That surgery sounds so invasive and scary. My BFF had one but she had TWINS! I just have one. With her first she did it with no chemicals and it was vaginal. I want to be able to do the same with my baby.

This morning I woke up to very distinct karate kicks to my belly button. I propped myself up and just watched my belly jerk and twitch as BabyG wiggled around. I tried to get Hubby to see but she got bashful, I guess. All day today she has made some very prominent kicks in utero. She feels strong and cramped. I guess she's running out of room. Last doctor's visit Doc said, "Ooo, your uterus is swelling nicely." So I guess I'm right on target but cheese and crackers the kicks to my ribs were killer last night!

I watched the Hobbit with some friends and Hubby lastnight. The movie is UH-MAY-ZING by the way. It's a MUST see and we watched it in 3D. Worth it!  I MADE IT THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE WITHOUT HAVING TO GO PEE! Yes, it was that important it needed caps. I was so impressed with myself but BabyG wasn't having it the last 30mins of the film. She was kicking me in what felt like my spine... well, the very back of my rib cage. I stuck it through though! We were all proud of ourselves for not going to the bathroom during the movie. ha. They all had a couple alcoholic beverages before the movie. I have been drinking a couple gallons of water a day. I'm just so thirsty. I've also gained more weight than I anticipated but I'm still within "normal" range but I'm starting to get nervous about losing it once I have the baby.

It's making me very insecure.

I've had this sinking feeling that Hubby is bored with me. (He assures me he is very much in love with me and that I'm a beautiful, sexy, preggosauras.) I can't help it. I just feel like we're drifting apart.... but I can't tell if I'm over-analyzing the situation. (Probably) I keep thinking he is going to leave me. I guess I shouldn't have watched Maury today.... or Teen Mom 2. Those people aren't us. Those situations aren't my situations. We are different. I keep trying to remind myself of these things but pregnancy has really morphed my perception of me to be skewed. I guess because I never really wanted kids to begin with. I remember telling Hubby ages ago, "I don't want kids. I don't want to plan for kids, anyway. If I ever plan for a kid, I will plan to not have a kid." I'm pretty selfish. Well, was selfish. I wanted to be able to drink and go out and party and do whatever, where ever, when ever. I didn't have a crazy teenage phase, I waited until I was well into 21 before I even went to bars and then did all my insane stuff between 22-24 years old. I don't feel like I'm done having a good time either. I want to still have people over and have a good time but be responsible with my kid too. I want to show my kid that having a child isn't the end of my personal life. I will be the example for her. Hubby and I will be her prime example for what love is. My lifestyle choices will give her examples of what is acceptable in a public sector.

Augh, I'm just rambling now. Anyway-- BabyG has some mega ninja kicks and I'm sure in a few weeks I will be able to see her roll over and my whole stomach get all weird shaped and I will probably be a bit grossed out.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Rinse, Wash, Repeat.

Pregnant Log
Pregnant: 28 Weeks ]
Mood Swings: Emotional ]
Cravings: Cereal, pepperoni, chocolate, ice cream ]

The turkey leftovers have long been eaten (or tossed out), Santa is gone, and the big mighty ball has dropped. Now is the time for the whirlwind party that is the end of December to give birth to new life, a new year, and a big ole middle finger to the Mayans. We made it! It's 2013, I'm still pregnant and Hubby is still overworked. What's so different this year?

When the snow melts in places that have snow, and the flowers start to bloom in places that have flowers-- I hopefully will be screaming like a banshee trying to squeeze my little bundle of joy out into the oxygen breathing world. It only seems fitting that I would be giving birth during the time of year that brings new life into the environment around us.

Besides me having a baby, each new year brings back my same new years resolution I have promised myself since becoming an adult. My resolution is less a goal and more a mantra.

"This year will be better than last year. I will smile more, love more and laugh more. Out with the negative, in with the positive."

This year may be the year that I do just that. I felt like the ball got rolling last new years when I decided to break all my comfort zones and "Go hard or go home." Well... I ended up in a completely different state, married to a man and pregnant. Ha, comfort zones demolished! Well, that's not to say I'm uncomfortable but I sure as hell jumped through some firey hoops to get here.

All through 2012 I was reflecting to the previous year and where I was and who I was with during that time of the year. Every time I did those flashbacks I knew I was in a much better place surrounded by much better people. My main sadness of 2012 was moving away from my BFF and her family. If I could do anything different in 2012, it would be to be able to see her more. Maybe 2013 will prove to be fruitful in that area.

It's so nice to be drama free and for the most part stress free too. I see great things in my future for 2013.