The Medium in the Candle Shop (Dream)

I had a weird supernatural dream last night.

It was set in New Orleans (I miss that place so much) and I was a medium. I was going to different shops and had an appointment with a young woman that worked at a candle shop. As soon as I walked in one of her co-workers recognized me and hurried me to the back to the lady I had the appointment with. I suddenly felt very sad.

"It's your lover that passed away." I said without the lady telling me. She nodded solemnly and her coworker took a seat behind me.

I turned to the coworker,  "Excuse me, Miss, but this is a private appointment." As I blinked I saw the deceased lover in a family embrace with the coworker. The coworker had bent her head down and softly began to cry, "If its okay with the miss here you can sit in. I didn't realize he was your brother."

Crazy Pregnant Dream

Lately I haven't had any baby-related dreams, it's mainly been me in my regular weirdo dreamscape and someone mentioning that I shouldn't be doing "that" or "this" because I'm pregnant and me denying it because I didn't "feel" pregnant in the dream.

Well, lastnight I had a bought of insomnia and I think that played a part. At a last stitch effort at 3am I took some nyquil and crawled into bed with my snoring husband. It had to be nyquil induced weirdness because at some point I could physically feel myself clinging to my hubby while my mind went on an adventure.

I was standing at the threshold at the old church I went to as a kid. It is a building built well over 100 years ago and I've always felt it was haunted. Well, the door frame was lined with people from my childhood and pictures of myself. One side was just numbers and names while the other side was the pictures from the past. I stood there kind of weepy like I knew everyone had died, even me. Hubby appears beside me and startles me when he puts a hand on my shoulder, "Do you miss them?" he asks.
"I'm just sad they will miss this." I say as I rub my baby bump.
"Tell me something about this one.." He says pointing to pictures. I tell him little stories related to each picture, like I had been there for each shot. I turn around at some point because I hear a noise and I'm at Michaels, searching for yarn for a baby blanket for a friend and for a scarf for my mother. I search and search and run down and aisle of yarn that was easily miles long, I take a bend around the corner and I see myself laying down, eyes closed and my baby rolling around in the swollen belly of myself on the ground. My neice and nephew along with my hubby's neices and nephews were crouched around the laying down me.

We stood there, watching my baby press fingers and toes against the laying down me's skin. We counted the fingers and toes. "Aunt B, help her out of there. She doesn't want to be in there anymore." My 5yro neice says, tugging on the standing me's arm.

"She's not ready yet." I say, bending down and cup my palms around the rolling baby like I was helping her out of a puddle, "She needs a few more weeks, then we can meet her." With my hands cupped around the skin shape of a baby the infant in utero presses her face against the belly skin and grins. I withdrawl my hands and take a few steps back.

"She wants to meet you too." My neice smiles up at me and takes me by the hand.

I wake up with serious pressure on my bladder. I had to pee.

I can still remember most everything about that dream. It's been replaying in my head. How creepy everything was. Everywhere in the dream (except Michael's) was covered in dead, brown leaves. I was mortified when I woke up.

"You really are in trouble now! You were safe in here!" (Dream)

I had (what felt like) a very long dream last night of dying in a hospital.

My symptoms: Not being able to swallow, shallow breathing, unexplained rash on my arms and legs.

There were three to a room. The room strangely looked like the back spare room from my Grandmother's house but I would later discover in the dream the "hospital" was in her carpenter's shed. (It's a dream, remember?)

Normally my not-so-pleasent dreams consist of zombies in numerous ways of attack. This dream had mention of zombies but I don't recall ever seeing one in the dream.

Well, anyway... in the dream I remember being allowed five minutes in the ER before Health Insurance wouldn't cover anything else. They tucked me away in one of those ER rooms just long enough for me to hear over the loud speakers, "Your five minutes are up!"
I grumbled, "Figures," just moments before a doctor pushed his way into the cubical like medical room. He took what seemed like a gallon of blood and let me know that they had a room available to me until the tests came back.

"I don't have money for that. Five minutes are up. Health Insurance isn' t covering anything now." I plead with him to just call me with the results but the doctor laughs at me and leaves the room, I overhear him telling a nurse to 'stick her with the other ones.'

Fast forward >>>>

I'm in the room they stick me in, the one I previously mention. My bed is in the middle. There is a large grassy plant hanging over me and making my hives worse. I remember trying to make small talk with the woman to my left before I realized she was deceased.
"She died five hours ago." The middle-aged woman to my right clarified.
"What? Why haven't they moved her?" My voice unsteady.
"No Health Insurance. They will move her last on a garbage day... if they get around to it." The woman scoffed.
"Been here long?" I ask, thinking about how large the bill will be.
"Two years next month. Waiting on blood tests, my symptoms went away after a day or so of waiting but its clean here and no one seems to bother me much. I figure they can't send a bill if they're still charging me." The lady chuckled. I found her annoying. She was a bit overweight, had wild curly short hair that bore gray roots to crudely dyed brown hair. She looked mousy and un-kept. Her clothes were street clothes and she never looked at me directly, her gaze never left the soap opera on the small television mounted on the wall.

The dead woman separated me from the large window to my left. I choked down tears. Somehow I knew that I had been kidnapped by the Hospital and I was doomed to die or watch soap operas for the rest of my life: Both outcomes scared me equally. I fell asleep to the sound of Mousyhair speaking along the words to the television, like she had seen the program hundreds of times before. I awoke much later to the dead woman making popping noises with her body. The dead woman's head twisted in my direction, mouth slightly agape and her eyes vacant. My fear turned to annoyance when I realized it was the not-so-dead woman making the popping noise with her legs. "These hospital beds are killer." She spoke mainly to herself, throwing her head back in a mighty triumphant fit of laughter. I rolled my eyes and got up to look out the windows. I felt like the room was a couple floors up (couldn't recall an elevator ride, but then again... how did I get there, anyway?) But I saw the familiar backyard of my Grandmother's house, it also appeared that we were on the ground level.

"I can get us out of here." I say aloud to myself as my fingers quickly start to open the window. It took moments that felt like ages but the window gave, crackling and creaking. As I pushed it open a cool breeze of fresh air rushed in and I took my first full breath in days. I felt much better. Fuck the blood test. I hoisted my leg up to crawl out of the window when Mousyhair seemed to hover on the opposite side of her bed. I couldn't see her feet to be sure. "I wouldn't do that." Her voice was demonic.

I gave a weak smile, "But it's nice out here. All sunshiny and perfect." I tried to sound convincing, as one would to entice a friend into a cold pool on a summer day. I didn't stick around to see if Mousyhair was actually floating or not because I fell from the window, three stories down, landing on my back. I stood up to dust myself off and look at the bleak dried grass visage around me. My eyes canvasing the horizon. It felt like I was seeing shadows run at the edge of the woods but surely my mind was playing tricks on me. "You really are in trouble now! You were safe in here!" Mousyhair called down to me in her demonic voice. I didn't turn to look at her, my eyes still trying to focus on the familiar landscape.

Then I heard a man's voice behind me, "She's right, you know." I turned around to face the ER doctor who had put me there. "Its not safe out here." He had something in his right hand and was tapping his left palm with it. A scalpel or syringe? I never got a good look because I heard a howl in the distance, a very human howl, a zombie howl. I remember sucking in a lot of air and running with a camera scene all jiggly like in Cloverfield or Blair Witch Project; a flew glimpses of the doctor and the figures running in the distance. I wasn't sure if they were memories or what I was seeing because my eyes opened and Hubby's soft snoring and his hand gently resting on my shoulder grounded me back into reality.

It was just a dream.
It was just a dream.
It was just a dream.

I dream the craziest things....

I blocked out her last name and picture just because... well... I did. Didn't know if she wanted to be outted via my blog. I will try my best to maybe translate the dream into what I think it might of meant...

Everything I've read about dreaming of being inside a church has something to do with needing guidance and looking for someone to help with such. Also, being inside a church represents the need to find someone to help transition into a happier place. (Kati, you can take that any way you like. heh) Furthermore, since a church is a moral place it is possibly to have the feeling of straying from an original path due to moral wrongs or deception that has taken place.

I couldn't seem to find "rude" in any dictionary and I decided I would focus on how I felt in the dream in response to the rudeness. Anger is what Kati represented in the dream, so I did look that up. It just said that by having anger in the dream it was an anger that has been repressed in the waking hours. Every time Kati was rude to me in the dream I could feel the swell of shame and sadness in my heart. Shame signifies guilt during the waking hours, as well as having minimal integrity and how it is actively damaging the way people see me. Being sad in the dream expresses the fact that if I am ever again to feel true bliss, I am to discontinue all negative thoughts. (All very on point)

What I didn't tell Kati was that I viewed her as an ex-lover [in the dream]... but I never felt in the dream that we had actually been in love or even had sex prior. (I know for a fact that we have not done either of those things in the waking hours... That, I would remember.) I also read what it means to dream of an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend and came up with nothing that really fit... So I looked up Crush (as in, "to have a crush") and apparently, I am either repressing my crush that I have on Kati or she is just embodying someone I do have a crush on and I either can't accept it (or acknowledged it) and I need to let her know about it... or the crush she may be forcing me to acknowledge. The fact that Kati snubs me in the dream resembles me dealing with that in my waking hours, I'm mentally preparing myself to get let down... again... by someone I have a crush on. (That, my friends, is eerily on point) It also touches on my constant insecurities of a crush not liking me back and the reality of how it will make me feel once the fear is confirmed.

The only thing I could find about a mattress is that it represents a stage of life. Bed comes up with a big more in-depth stirring of ideas. To dream of my own bed is security and the need to settle down. Also, a bed represents my need for domestic bliss. (Also, on point) The fact that it's a single mattress and in the dream they were separate leads me to interpret that as I am keeping a balance of who I allow in my bed, but the fact that we're still in the same room, a rather large bedroom if you want to think about it, touches on my sexual desires. Since we just had a small mattress on the floor the term Pallet symbolizes an estranged relationship and parting between lovers. Kati and I aren't close at all... so maybe that's the estranged relationship?

The boxes of artwork represents the collections of aspirations, ideas and past reflections that I'm trying to contain onto canvas and keep organized. It's something I'm willing to explore but only at my own pace. The fact that it was the only thing else in the room as to hold some semblance to keep true to myself and my self-expression while I pursue another.

I'm glad Kati has been such a good sport about this and I hope I truly didn't weird her out too much.... especially since we aren't all that close to begin with.

xoxo,

SallyD

I have very vivid dreams.

Last night I had a dream that I was Sookie Stackhouse.... Also, that Sam, the warewolves and Bill were after me. All of them. They all wanted me so bad. The only one I allowed in was Bill (who kept flickering into my ex during the dream) and Sam was a dog most of the time chasing me or protecting me... and I was mainly in the dark.

In the midst of that at some point during the dream Sookie got knocked down by a fence and I was approaching her. I got it in my mind that I want to rape her. (Sorry if that word is painful for any readers) So I look down at Sookie who suddenly flickers into me. I continue to abuse her and do what I want to her body. She screams, fights, kicks... bites... Does whatever she/I can to get me off of her/I. She/I cannot do anything... I do what I want until I don't anymore. I get off of myself and let her/I run off broken and crying. A smile creeps over my face and I wake myself up and roll over. Taking a few moments to breath with my eyes open. Not ready to get out of bed, but not ready to continue getting whatever message my dreams are trying to tell me.

I looked up the word Rape in a Dream Dictionary and this is what it says:

Rape

To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.

To see a rape being committed in your dream, denotes sexual dysfunction or uncertainty.

Okay, so just let that sink in... Obviously the stuff about opposite sex is null because well... I'm not my opposite sex. I'm not even one of those girls who dresses like a guy. (Nothing wrong with that either, I find those ladies rather attractive) So... yeah... I'm the one who is violating myself and taking advantage of me. I'm forcing things upon me. The last sentence, "To see a rape being committed in your dream denotes sexual dysfunction or uncertainty" hits home better than anything else... Well, if "dysfunction" means "not getting any" but "uncertainty" is quite true. I don't feel attractive because I'm use to sex being the catalyst for that feeling. Without sex I'm worthless, ugly and a big fat tub of lard. (With my logic... skewed and nasty, I know...)
Okay, so after the rape scene I (now Sookie) run to Bill because of what happened and I have what I think is Sam chasing me but it's some OTHER shifter that is working for the warewolves and I run home to my room that is in the attic and very dark. I always am lighting candles throughout the dream when I'm in that room and something always surprises me, usually Bill. Well, I light the candles this time and the dog I thought was Sam transforms into some other man (Whom I called by name but have now forgotten) and I shriek. I turn to my bed and see 3 warewolves lounging on my bed. I scream again and they all jump me and I can feel them ripping at my skin, tearing my hair out and blood leaking out of open wounds. I scream for Bill and Bill never comes.

I wake up startled. I put my sleep mask up and say aloud, "fuck sleep." and here I am... awake... and disturbed with the images of getting raped by myself and then killed by a pack of dogs. I've looked up similar words in the dictionary and they all kind of jive with whats going on in my life... and it's not good. None of it. It's all "You're insecure" and "You really want to succeed in your waking life but something is getting in your way, possibly yourself" kind of stuff and yeah... I already knew that guys, THANKS! I didn't need the grotesque horror show to make me aware.

There was also some point in the dream where Bill is telling me how gorgeous I am. He kept using the word "gorgeous" he wouldn't use pretty, beautiful or any of those other descriptions. I remember my hair being VERY curly and I'm dressed to the 9s. People keep stopping me and telling me how gorgeous I am but I keep shaking my head and thanking them but saying "No, I'm not..." Then I get to someone that grabs me by the arms, we're face to face... the woman has a kind of melty face and looks eery zombie-like and she screams at me, "Realize you're gorgeous already so the rest of us can stop suffering!"
Puzzled. Just... Puzzled. I don't know how I'm making anyone suffer... for any reason... well, except maybe the ex but that is hardly on purpose.... we're both kind of suffering for different reasons... or maybe the same?
I'm finding it exceedingly hard to stay single just for the pure fact of not wanting to be alone at the end of the day. That is NOT a valid reason to run out and get a girlfriend. I promise you. I tried that... and it got me into a difficult long distance thing that left me more broken than before because I am realizing my false pretenses.
Finding validation in myself has become the hardest feat I've ever tried. It's making me doubt my ability to do anything else in my life. Being in or out of a relationship has become the main subject between every group of friends I have. Even last night it was talked about with a group I haven't hung out with in some time.

Mainly everyone is saying they've been single for 3yrs. I didn't even inquire of when the last they had sex... because I knew it'd be much sooner and as I am learning: Sex does not equate relationship. Silly me for thinking it does, but that doesn't leave me innocent on casual sex. I'm fueled by sex. I'm finding myself breaking a part slowly and surely because I don't have those happy endorphins that happen during that sensual part of life. And to just graze over the subject, I don't pleasure myself. Just can't. In the literal: I can't get myself off.

So being "frustrated" is only the human term for what I'm going through right now. I know it gets better with time, as does everything... but I've never had to "go through it" before.

But it all boils down to the same shit as I talked to earlier in this blog. So yeah... I should go to the gym now. That's the only place I get my jollys off these days.

Blessed Be,
SallyD