Sunday, June 5, 2011

I have very vivid dreams.

Last night I had a dream that I was Sookie Stackhouse.... Also, that Sam, the warewolves and Bill were after me. All of them. They all wanted me so bad. The only one I allowed in was Bill (who kept flickering into my ex during the dream) and Sam was a dog most of the time chasing me or protecting me... and I was mainly in the dark.

In the midst of that at some point during the dream Sookie got knocked down by a fence and I was approaching her. I got it in my mind that I want to rape her. (Sorry if that word is painful for any readers) So I look down at Sookie who suddenly flickers into me. I continue to abuse her and do what I want to her body. She screams, fights, kicks... bites... Does whatever she/I can to get me off of her/I. She/I cannot do anything... I do what I want until I don't anymore. I get off of myself and let her/I run off broken and crying. A smile creeps over my face and I wake myself up and roll over. Taking a few moments to breath with my eyes open. Not ready to get out of bed, but not ready to continue getting whatever message my dreams are trying to tell me.

I looked up the word Rape in a Dream Dictionary and this is what it says:

To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.
To see a rape being committed in your dream, denotes sexual dysfunction or uncertainty.

Okay, so just let that sink in... Obviously the stuff about opposite sex is null because well... I'm not my opposite sex. I'm not even one of those girls who dresses like a guy. (Nothing wrong with that either, I find those ladies rather attractive) So... yeah... I'm the one who is violating myself and taking advantage of me. I'm forcing things upon me. The last sentence, "To see a rape being committed in your dream denotes sexual dysfunction or uncertainty" hits home better than anything else... Well, if "dysfunction" means "not getting any" but "uncertainty" is quite true. I don't feel attractive because I'm use to sex being the catalyst for that feeling. Without sex I'm worthless, ugly and a big fat tub of lard. (With my logic... skewed and nasty, I know...)
Okay, so after the rape scene I (now Sookie) run to Bill because of what happened and I have what I think is Sam chasing me but it's some OTHER shifter that is working for the warewolves and I run home to my room that is in the attic and very dark. I always am lighting candles throughout the dream when I'm in that room and something always surprises me, usually Bill. Well, I light the candles this time and the dog I thought was Sam transforms into some other man (Whom I called by name but have now forgotten) and I shriek. I turn to my bed and see 3 warewolves lounging on my bed. I scream again and they all jump me and I can feel them ripping at my skin, tearing my hair out and blood leaking out of open wounds. I scream for Bill and Bill never comes.
I wake up startled. I put my sleep mask up and say aloud, "fuck sleep." and here I am... awake... and disturbed with the images of getting raped by myself and then killed by a pack of dogs. I've looked up similar words in the dictionary and they all kind of jive with whats going on in my life... and it's not good. None of it. It's all "You're insecure" and "You really want to succeed in your waking life but something is getting in your way, possibly yourself" kind of stuff and yeah... I already knew that guys, THANKS! I didn't need the grotesque horror show to make me aware.
There was also some point in the dream where Bill is telling me how gorgeous I am. He kept using the word "gorgeous" he wouldn't use pretty, beautiful or any of those other descriptions. I remember my hair being VERY curly and I'm dressed to the 9s. People keep stopping me and telling me how gorgeous I am but I keep shaking my head and thanking them but saying "No, I'm not..." Then I get to someone that grabs me by the arms, we're face to face... the woman has a kind of melty face and looks eery zombie-like and she screams at me, "Realize you're gorgeous already so the rest of us can stop suffering!"
Puzzled. Just... Puzzled. I don't know how I'm making anyone suffer... for any reason... well, except maybe the ex but that is hardly on purpose.... we're both kind of suffering for different reasons... or maybe the same?
I'm finding it exceedingly hard to stay single just for the pure fact of not wanting to be alone at the end of the day. That is NOT a valid reason to run out and get a girlfriend. I promise you. I tried that... and it got me into a difficult long distance thing that left me more broken than before because I am realizing my false pretenses.
Finding validation in myself has become the hardest feat I've ever tried. It's making me doubt my ability to do anything else in my life. Being in or out of a relationship has become the main subject between every group of friends I have. Even last night it was talked about with a group I haven't hung out with in some time.
Mainly everyone is saying they've been single for 3yrs. I didn't even inquire of when the last they had sex... because I knew it'd be much sooner and as I am learning: Sex does not equate relationship. Silly me for thinking it does, but that doesn't leave me innocent on casual sex. I'm fueled by sex. I'm finding myself breaking a part slowly and surely because I don't have those happy endorphins that happen during that sensual part of life. And to just graze over the subject, I don't pleasure myself. Just can't. In the literal: I can't get myself off.
So being "frustrated" is only the human term for what I'm going through right now. I know it gets better with time, as does everything... but I've never had to "go through it" before.
But it all boils down to the same shit as I talked to earlier in this blog. So yeah... I should go to the gym now. That's the only place I get my jollys off these days.

Blessed Be,

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