Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Random Nonsense [fueled by coffee]

I love the shaky feeling of drinking too much coffee and having an empty stomach. I'm not sure why. It makes me feel like I have super powers or just an over flow of energy. I want to run a thousand miles and jump fences and battle zombies.

Obviously I don't do any of those things... usually I just sit at the computer, farm on farmville and let my leg shake with vigor and without shame. I don't like to shake my leg in front of others, I think it exposes my anxiety that I would rather keep closeted.

I got extremely drunk last night and bitched about my love life... go me. I'm so grand. Then I met someone that I could possibly like-like some day and totally made an ass out of my self. (Typical)

I don't know how I manage to always bury myself in a very deep bottomless hole when I'm attracted to someone.... but I do. It's like word diarrhea and the next day I'm left with a mental hangover of "omg I'm so fucking stupid" I have emotional hangovers quite often and usually more than the physical alcoholic kind.

I'm so menstrual I hate myself. Okay, well the hating myself came before the organic pain of being a woman this month... but I'm starting to over come. By every hour, every conversation, every song that plays... every visit to the gym. I know I'm being dramatic because I'm a woman and I'm very much a full-fledged emotional mountain of ick right now. I feel like a leaky faucet that when it was attempted to get fixed the pipes explode.... furthering the issue of brokenness.

I don't know how I manage to do this to myself and I won't shut up about it. I need validation. I know it. I'm aware of my insecurities but I can't seem to fix them. I want them fixed in hours not days. But I guess that's everyone's gripe in life.

At least I've stopped crying. Crying takes so much out of me. It pulls and tugs deep from my soul and I pour it all out. You'd think it'd make me feel better... but it doesn't. I just makes my face puffy and my nose incredibly annoying. It solves nothing.

I want to go to another state. I want to pack up what will fit in my car and just drive. Drive and see things. Be things. Create things and sell them to pay for gas. I often day dream of when my car is paid off (in 2 months) I will quit my corporate job and drive to a random location and be a nomad. Untied to a car payment and my only bill be gas and cellphone. I will end up living where the money runs out until I can afford to drive again. My material possessions only being an endless amount of CDs and a laptop.

Okay... so I just realized that my birthday is exactly 10 days away. I am terrified of birthdays. They come at me like a bad rain cloud. I usually end up very very drunk. (Either alone or with friends) I do a lot of dumb shit. Then I cry myself to sleep. Yes, every birthday pans out in a very similar way. An ex will call or txt and I will be emotional and drained at the thought of living on this planet unsatisfied for another year. The idea of celebrating the past year of failure just boggles me. So I drink until the imagined pain goes away. It never does.

I'm an alcoholic.
I know it.

Just because I don't drink every day and my life isn't in shambles because of that liquid-disaster doesn't mean I'm not an alcoholic. I'm at the very least 3rd generation alcoholic on my dads side. I'm aware of what it can do to families because it happened to me. I have the reasoning of a drunk in my sober state of mind. Sometimes I reason with myself and try to talk myself out of things... just to do them later. I say things that hurt people without even thinking that it could possibly hurt someone. Someone once told me that I'm not actually an alcoholic because I'm aware of it. People with problems don't know they are problems. (And the fact that I choose food over alcohol when it comes to a budget of money) Okay... so I'm a responsible alcoholic. I am so conscious of my effort to not let drink take over my life it's become a paranoia. If I've drank every day for a period of time I won't allow myself to drink for days or even months after that. If I have a really bad hang over that lasts into the next night I won't drink for quite some time after that.

I refuse to be my father.
that's what all this really boils down to.

Okay, I'm spouting non-sense... I should stop now.

Blessed Be,

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