Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Terrible Sleep.

I had the most terrible sleep lastnight. I basically took two hour naps and woke up startled and unhappy all throughout the night.

I remember at some point I woke up and felt around in the bed to make sure I was alone. I dreamed the most terrible things and my conscious has blocked most of the memories of those dreams from my memories. I just see flashes. I think I drempt that I was with someone romantically then ripped out of the bed by someone else, and then hit in the face by another. It was very confusing.

Today I am left feeling very very awake and very hungover although I didn't drink one drop of alcohol yesterday. This morning I felt awkward and exposed. I got up a couple times during the night and somehow I think I was still asleep when I did so. Specifically I got up around 3:45am and went to the bathroom and almost tripped over a stack of old VHS' that are Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen.... as preteens. It was like I got visited by the nightmare fairy. I brought them inside my room and put them at the foot of my bed, my roommate had txted me to "guess where this is from" and sent me a picture on my facebook. I remember placing the movies down and opening my facebook to look at a picture that (at the time) meant absolutely nothing to me and then crawling back into bed over the foot-board and collapsing to sleep, you guessed it, two more hours. I woke up at 6am and felt like someone was laying on top of me. No, not in that sexy kind of way. In that CSI, I'm about to get crushed to death kind of way.

I tossed and turned and buried my head under pillows. Eventually I fell back asleep. At 9:30am I opened my eyes and cussed out loud. A full night of busy busy non-rest. My throat ached, my nose was extremely dry and I felt like I had been hit by a mac truck. I laid in bed until 10am and gave up the fight and opened facebook to play farmville and my other applications until 11am when I awoke my roommate. (She's so sweet and offered to buy me a meal so I picked Smith St Diner) So we could go to breakfast. I dug out one of my books that I've started to read and never finished (I have a whole box) and began to read while on the front porch waiting for her to get her awake face on.

After eating and 4 cups of coffee I'm still in this painfully neutral place. Yesterday I talked to someone I have missed greatly. Through her work, kid and school she hasn't had much time for anyone. A couple days ago I had this nagging feeling to get up with her and tell her how much I miss just being around her. As a friend or more, just simply miss her. A day passed after my contact on facebook (I don't thinks she responds to txts anymore which is a HUGE disadvantage if you're going to communicate with me) and I was started to get concerned that maybe it wasn't a gradual separation but an intended one. (I wasn't ready for what she wanted at the time) Wow, I'm using a lot of brackets today! But yeah, she called me yesterday and got me in SUCH a fabulous mood. We set up a brunch date (we both work at night) for next week to reconnect and hang out. I'm sooo nervous and buzzy andandand yeah. I feel I am emotionally a completely different person when I first met her about a year ago and I hope she can recognize that when we meet eye to eye again.

My emotional roller-coaster has been plastered all over this blog but I know I'm at a better place now. I've also been aware of the change within me. I've acknowledged within me what needs to be addressed and while I may not be ready to rush into a relationship but I think I am now ready to accept someone in and let the progression start. I'm okay with starting to let someone in.

Right now I'm stuck in a "Sort of a relationship but not, okay, really not, but maybe kind-of?" and it's really opened my eyes to A LOT of my feelings towards relationships, what I want and how I would want it. She's also a really good friend so we've been brutally honest about the entire debacle and it really is like a slow crashing plane and we're just sucking in the oxygen enjoying the buzz before the big ole ball of fire. It also doesn't help that I'm (yet again) some form of validation for her and she is questioning her sexuality all the while. (I sure know how to pick'em, eh?) So yeah... as I said... debacle. It really sucks for me though, because at some point I really, truly wanted to date her and be with her in any way I could... but she wronged me in a way that I have yet to recover from completely. (Which is partially my fault because I saw it coming but pushed forward anyway)

Once again, a song explains it all for me....

Crooked Teeth
Death Cab for Cutie

It was one hundred degrees, as we sat beneath a willow tree,
Who's tears didn't care, they just hung in the air, and refused to fall, to fall.

And I knew I'd made horrible call,
And now the state line felt like the Berlin wall,
And there was no doubt about which side I was on.

Cause I built you a home in my heart,
With rotten wood, it decayed from the start.

Cause you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
No you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.

I braved treacherous streets,
And kids strung out on homemade speed.
And we shared a bed in which I could not sleep,
At all, woo, hoo, woo, hooOoOo.

Cause at night the sun in retreat,
Made the skyline look like crooked teeth,
In the mouth of a man who was devouring, us both.

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech,
But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave.

And you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
No you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.

I'm a war, of head versus heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say.

And you can't find nothing at all,
If there was nothing there all along.
There were churches, theme parks and malls,
But there was nothing there all along.

Blessed Be,

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