Friday, June 17, 2011

Pipe Dreams & Steamy Schemes

I went on vacation with some people I work with. We didn't kill each other, HOORAY!

Although it did come close once or twice.

And we even still like each other and we have an abundance of inside jokes.

We went to my hometown. My ex found out and I got yelled at (via txt) for not letting her know I was there and for rubbing it in her face I was there. (When you figure that out, please let me know. Especially since I had already told her about the trip but wasn't txting her a play-by-play while I was there) But yeah... anyway.

I think I'm starting to get to where I want to be emotionally. I don't find myself clinging to people who pay me the slightest amount of attention. Yay! I'm not creepy anymore! Well, not completely.

Don't you hate it when you're in the middle of being absolutely annoying, creepy, or otherwise unattractive and you are AWARE of it but you can't seem to STOP doing whatever it is that is making you a nuisance???? I do that... quite often, actually.

Also, I have found out that I read people quite well or not at all. No fun gray area for me to dabble in. Did I mention I seem to attract girls that just want to experiment, "find themselves" or they see the insecurities and play them against me. *sigh* I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Which is one of the reasons I'm glad I'm staying single. (My whole emotionally-unavailability aside.) Whenever I catch the vibe of "maybe someday" I either open my mouth and say something quite unappealing or they're so wishy-washy it makes me want to scream in their face and stomp around like an angry toddler. So yeah... I'm just saying, ladies. Maybe in a few months.... but until then I will give out rain checks (unless someone REALLY special appears, which I doubt)

Augh.... okay. So I'm talking to the ex again. (I hate calling her 'the ex' btw) Well, not "talking-talking" but I'm communicating with her again. We had a week or so where we barely spoke if at all. But today we've had a pretty substantial txt conversation... and she reminds me what I miss of her, but it feels different now. These last few weeks have made me feel different. I don't want to feel loved anymore, I don't want to love anyone else. (although I would love to feel attractive to someone... yay for being a girl!) I am finding things I am attracted to and learning how to compartmentalize them. I can FEEL the difference in my mind.

Going to the gym helps.
I cannot say that enough.

Going to the gym helps.
Going to the gym helps.
Going to the gym helps.

I met a guy in the steam room today. I usually like to go in there and meditate and I had decided while I was working out that I would really use that to clear my mind today while in the steam room. When the universe wants to send you a message it's not always a self-revelation... sometimes it comes from a complete stranger. I walk in, I felt like the room was full (it's really cloudy in there from all the steam) but when my eyes adjusted I saw there was only one guy and I sat in my usual place. I didn't close the door all the way (sometimes it doesn't latch right, the door needs to be worked on) and he said something about it and closed it. He wasn't mean or anything about it and then introduced himself and promptly what brought me 'here'. I was so struck with the question I had to really think about it. He re-worded it, "In Greensboro, not the gym. I assume we're all at the gym for the same reasons. You go to school?" He was an older gentlemen, so I gave him the same answers I would any other older stranger, "No, I don't go to school but I hope to. July will be a full year of me being in Greensboro. I really like this gym because of all the stuff they offer and I can finally afford the gym" Well, I can't really afford it... but I still manage to pay for it.

We made some small talk about how hot it was in the steam room and about how long we can stand it before leaving, etc. Well, his question was stuck with me once he excused himself and left. I got in my meditative seated position and opened my mind to the universe, as usual. No matter what I did I could not get that man's question out of my head. I couldn't focus. At first I was angry. How dare he mess up my quiet time like that? Doesn't he know it's gross and sweaty in there and I'm awkwardly sitting in a bikini wishing it was pitch black in there? I left a couple minutes later and started doing laps in the pool. At some point during the laps it struck me: He answered my question before I even asked it.

Why am I here?

Isn't that everyone's question about life? love?

I made his question more weighted than it intended to be because it's such a heavy question I've been too chicken to ask myself.

Why am I here?

I'm actively looking for a new place of employment. I've given myself a deadline of January. By January if I'm not financially more stable (or maybe even if I am) I want to move. Either closer to the coast or to another state entirely. I'm starting to research how to become an activist. I want to be an activist for gay rights and the ability to be yourself as well as make music or create art. How might I do this? No idea. I'm hoping that by Jan I will have an idea and be able to take flight with it. Homoground, Laila Nur and going to Pride this year has really lit a fire under me. There were a bunch of kids at Pride and I was amazed. This one little girl was asked by the emcee who she was with, her answer, "My moms" and I wanted to cry. She was such an example of how it ACTUALLY is to grow up in an openly gay home and be normal. (As "normal" can be) But as she said those words with love, I could tell she had struggles at school and most likely had gotten some ridicule from people. I want to somehow find a way to get my message across. I'm good with public speaking so I've been tempted to go to local schools and ask them if they have a Gay and Straight Alliance and what I could do to start one. I want to go to schools and talk about equality. I don't want to encourage change, I want to BE change.

I just hope it isn't a pipe dream.

Blessed Be,

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