Thursday, June 9, 2011

You Remind Me

I numbed over yesterday.... but I have a constant tear in one of my eyes. I keep brushing it away like it's a fly. It just leaks out. That's not technically crying, is it?

Yesterday I went to the gym and I really, rightfully, had no desire to. I spent an hour at the gym thinking to myself, "I'd rather be elsewhere"... but the only "elsewhere" I could come up with was being alone in a dark, dark place.

I spilled the beans and told her I was going to be in her part of this planet last night. I didn't mean to... but it just came out. She asked if I wanted to see her while I was there... of course I do... that was never an argument. She kept asking me why and I had no answer. I just do. To be honest I'm not sure if it's a personal reassurance that I'm not some ugly grotesque monster and that she doesn't hate my guts... and maybe to see if she's seeing someone else. Okay, all very selfish reasons. Mainly, I just want to kiss her one last time. But kissing her never feels like a last time... and here stands my issues. She knows and I know that my problems with her aren't 100% her, it's the problems she has around her that she chooses to either dismiss, accommodate (although she shouldn't), or she makes worse. Her problem with me... is well, she lets me get away with some really dumb shit most of the time and I'm a bitch that won't seem to let go of the past. Usher said it best:

You remind me of a girl, that I once knew.
See her face whenever I, I look at you.
You won't believe all of the things she put me through.
This is why I just can't get with you.
"You Remind Me"

Augh, I really don't want to talk about that "us" right now...

So I'm going to talk about cereal. Anyone ever mixed All-Bran & regular Cheerios? I'm going to do that here shortly. I woke up kind of late and decided to do laundry instead of scampering off to the gym asap. So I'm going to eat cereal and hope that my one sports bra doesn't fall into a thousand pieces in the dryer before I force myself through another hour at the gym. The only good thing about me not wanting to go is that I am distracted by all the bitching in my head I end up doing each part of my work out a whole lot longer. I ran a solid 2 miles yesterday, which is huge for me. I ran a bit over that, but nothing to boast about. I did a lot on the rowing machine just because I was tired of being on the stationary bike. I did the rowing machine until my arms wanted to fall off and then just went home.

My birthday is tomorrow. I'm not happy about it. I made plans for some of my friends to meet me at my favorite gay bar after I get off of work..... somehow I feel as if I will be stood up by all of them. Okay, that's just depressing. Valentines day and my birthday are always horribly, nasty, depressing days. (As noted in previous posts) Then I'm going to my hometown for 3 days with one of my roommates and 2 of the girls I work with. We're going to beach it up and panhandle my family for free food. So far I've planned the trip because it's my hometown, I just hope they like the plans I've made. I don't see them yelling "I'D HATE TO GO ON YOUR SISTERS BOAT!" or "Hell no! We won't hang out and meet your best friend!" So I need to chill with the paranoia...

Also, I invited this really cute girl to my birthday gathering. She also happens to be my friend's bff since middle school. I just want to look at her. I don't even care if she invites that dude she's talking to or whatever. She's just one of those super cute people that you want to gawk at and gush about behind her back. I mean... don't get me wrong, I guess it's a crush but I can't offer emotional stability to anyone right now. I just... can't. So I just want to tell her she's pretty, she gives me that little giggle and my birthday might not be so bad. That's all I want, really. I need to get my shit straight before I can allow myself to be emotionally involved with anyone. (I'm saying all this with the obvious of her not returning the affection, at least none that I know of... Hellloooo, I mentioned dude in her life, remember?) And I'm just writing it down because... well, I write everything down. Writing stuff down gives me another prospective on life and helps me better analyze the shit I've already over-analyzed in my head.

Also, I applied for another job in hopes to not be SO buried in debt trying to pay my car off as quickly as possible. Let's hope I see some green coming my way asap.

Blessed Be,

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