Monday, September 12, 2011

Would you linger?

That thought.
That passed just now.
 How did it feel?
Would you linger?
Right now?
With me?

I had a very interesting night last night. I hung out with a chick that I tried to date... not one of my most serious attempts but my first attempt since I had officially decided to not be involved with thee ex. It was nice in a masochistic way. I spilled my heart out. I told her exactly how hurt she had left me. How I knew she had lied to me about being with her ex boyfriend behind my back. Countless times. How I know I was nothing but a filler to her... nothing else. How I understood that she only wants me now only because I'm not an option anymore.

It was liberating.

She sat there, head turned, eyes slightly narrowed... lips pressed together. All she had left was apologies and, "I didn't mean some of those things in that way." That's all she had to offer me. "You weren't exactly a rebound... I just don't know how to separate myself from him in a way that would allow me to be with someone else." and my favorite: "I can't believe I said that to you... I mean, I know I did... but I can't believe I would say that."

We talked until around 5am. I picked up my phone and opened my UberSocial app today and entered the words, "Telling the girl that hurt your heart exactly how you feel & girl still wanting to be a friend. #awkward" I deleted awkward and replaced it with #winning and then replaced that with #justthatgood then I deleted the whole thing. It felt weird to triumph over being able to express myself in the way I wanted and it actually ending up pretty okay. I mean, I'm by no means trying to get back with this girl (That ship has sailed so far down it's already semi-ported at another station... got me?) and by no means am I wishing her the worst... I just know that she doesn't deserve the opportunity to be with me in that way. And now she knows it too.

I've been such a deadhead today from staying up so late. I have a special ringtone that goes off and my lips gently form into a subtle smile. I sigh, trying to contain my hopeful feeling and remember all I've learned about myself and my situations this last year. 23 Days until Chicago. I haven't talked to my Drummer friend in a couple weeks... but she's been in Europe with her woman, so I guess they just haven't returned yet or she's in the whirl-wind of "I've been gone in a different fucking country for weeks and now I have to adjust to actual reality once again" and I just haven't been a priority. Which is fine, because honestly all I want is her to be all, "Yeah, man. We're still on. See ya in October, woman!!!" and that be that. It will make my over-anxious paranoia calm down. That will take maybe a few seconds of her time and there are very many seconds before the 5th of October.

There has been a lot of fights lately on my corner. One of the collective and I spoke about it the other day. We swapped stories of hearing angry words hurled between strangers. We decided that fighting is lame. Sometimes I feel like I'm a stage hand for Jersey Shore... North Carolina Hipster Edition. As I type this right now there are yells of: "Fuck you" "Ahhhh! hahahaha" and a sound something similar to a very angry Rooster. Drunk bitches. Go figure. The first week school was back in full-swing it was about 10:30pm and I had laid down to watch a movie. It was still blueblack outside, right before the sun had given up on us for the day.

"You're a fucking cunt!" He exclaims.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" she says.
"I don't know what the fuck your problem is!" I can hear him moving his arms around while he speaks.
"Just take me to my car, Just take me to my car" she is sobbing, begging.
"What the FUCK is your problem?!" He is very angry. They were standing in the middle of the street, the girl walking and the dude trailing behind her.
"Just take me to my GODDAMNED car!" She sobs, apologetically.

I wanted to yell from my balcony, "No honey. Call a friend. Don't go anywhere with that asshole." But I refrained. I just laid in bed and rolled my eyes. I replayed the same scenario in my head but if it had been two lesbians instead...

"You're a fucking cunt!" Girl1 exclaims.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Girl2 sobs.
"You should'a thought twice before you got all cute with that dude!" Girl1 states.
"You should'a fucking paid more attention to me, bitch!" Girl2 screams back.
The girls sternly look at each other.
"Fuck this, I'm walking home. Fuck you." Girl1 screams and starts walking in opposite direction.
"No, babe! No!" Girl2 yells, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! You know I don't fuck boys anymore!"
"Yeah, sure!" Girl1 yells over her shoulder, trying to keep walking.
"Babe! Seriously! I'm fucking sorry! Let's just go home! Let's go home together!" Girl2 is really sobbing now.
Girl1 turns around and rolls her eyes, "Fine. But don't fucking talk to me on the way there."

Okay, so girls can be hostile too, but basically that's how lesbian fights pan out. They can get insane... but generically... they're like that. In my experience, anyway.... from witnessing and being a part of it. Girls are crazy. We all are and most of us realize this. We know we overreact to things, we realize we say dumb shit... we are all attention whores. (Just all various degrees of each of those things I just mentioned) So... because of that... sometimes when two girls are fighting, as a couple, we sometimes forget who was wrong and why and if it's just being blown out of proportion because there are two vaginas involved.... not to mention she gives you that look that makes you get all gooey and you just want to fuck and get the argument behind you. hah. Okay, maybe not that last part... but you get what I'm saying.

Then, just a few days ago there was an argument between band members. The lead singer and the bassist (from what I gathered) and the lead singer was hitting his van and evicting the guy from the van. (I don't know if that means the guy actually LIVED in there or just kept equipment in there) It was an interesting argument, although I only heard the lead singer's side of it... the bassist wasn't as crazy yelly as the lead singer was.

I feel like this house is the fly on the wall and the bars on the corner are the people who do the dumb shit the fly gets to snicker about.

I love this place.

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