Saturday, June 18, 2011

I'm not broken, I'm refurbished.

The title of this blog came to me today while I was reading at a nearby coffee shop. Instead of doing the grown-up important errands I really should have been doing I decided to walk around my neighborhood instead. I'm a little over a mile from UNCG and they have some really amazing places on the way there that I've never been in.

I stopped at Spring Garden Bakery & Coffee and got an ice latte. (At a very reasonable price) I had never been there before. It was very quaint and awesome. A few of the summer college students trickled in while I read my book and slowly sipped my delicious latte. A very loving couple came in from the backdoor and I couldn't help but look up because I felt the guy was hovering over me (My peripheral vision isn't that great since I wear glasses) Turns out he had just paused with his hand extended out for his girlfriend so she could take it. I felt myself blushing just by the sight of the cuteness that was going on. (Just because I'm a lesbian doesn't mean I can't appreciate affection between a man and a woman) She herself did a little "Awwww" noise as she took his hand. They took a seat next to me (if you have ever been there before it was the long bench seating with the small tables and chairs opposite of the bench) and sat on the same side to watch whatever was going on on the laptop they had with them. I wasn't exclusively paying attention to their conversation since I was reading but a little bit of it slipped in between page turns and it just made me very happy. They put me in such a good mood and they never even glanced my way. As I sat beside them I tweeted, "I'm not broken, I'm refurbished" because at that moment I knew that as a broken individual (which I have been many times before) I wouldn't be able to stomach the love and good vibes just dripping off the couple. I'm so glad they sat as close as they did because their good intentions and love creeped into my soul and gave it a big ole hug.

That is also the same reason why I can't stand to be around negative people, because the same thing happens to me... but the outcome isn't so positive or happy. I also seem to "feel" right past the bullshit because I can sense what you are actually saying rather than the words that are being said to me. Not saying it's 100% but it hasn't failed me yet. (Well, when I actually listen to what my feelings are telling me)

I then walked down to Jack's Corner for some Falafel. It was sooooo good. I sat by myself and continued to read, it was very packed but I was still buzzing from the coffee shop. I thought about my most recent romantic encounters on the walk home. When I think of my "happy place" most of the time I find myself gazing into past love's eyes. It's kind of sad to still find happiness in the eyes of another... but it's the last time I really felt completely whole. Not just because of her, but because of me. It felt so right and so spiritual to be the way I was with her to start out. Since then it's gone to shit, but that's not the point. Currently I'm struggling with the idea of how I am to find happiness. I find happiness through others, just as I did at the coffee shop. My goal now is to not get drunk by it and get lost in it. I need to be able to acknowledge it; embrace it, keep it and find the balance.

The realization of me needing someone to keep me 'grounded' did become very apparent as well. I'm usually attracted to those that aren't as crazy as I am. I need someone with a successful career and will be able to just sit around and watch movies with me on a Friday night... or convince me not to drink another one while we're out with friends. But with that said, I want someone who is willing to do stupid shit with me and deal with the consequences head on. Go to a concert with me to see a band they've never heard of (Or take me to a band I've never heard of) Talk about EVERYTHING and anything with me but still keep their own secrets theirs and allow me the same. I need someone willing to let the past be that and not pry into mine unless I offer it.

I know these are all "my perfect woman" ideals, but I'm still very much entitled to them and will use them as guides, not stipulations.

My biggest pet peeve is when I meet someone (usually a hetero-male) that has such ideas of who they want their wife or girlfriend to be and get angry when someone doesn't live to their specific criteria.

News Flash: Love comes from unexpected places, don't deny it because you're too focused and closed minded about what you BELIEVE it should be.

Love is love, nothing else.

If you deny someone the opportunity to love you just because s/he doesn't have the right college degree or "wrong" color hair... you don't deserve the opportunity to love. (Just saying)

But to leave on a positive note, I have linked the places I have mentioned as I have mentioned them. (scroll over their names and get with the clicking!) And I am also going to post a pre-dated blog about my birthday and the happenings that well, happened. I wrote them down the next day at work but haven't had the time to type them out yet.... so keep an eye out for that too.

Blessed Be,

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