Monday, May 30, 2011


I have this song on repeat. I've been blaring it and telling myself it's all true. I'm in the pursuit of happiness.

I have to be.
I need to me.
I am.

I've been going to the gym for a week now and it's opened me up so much. It's like I'm in raw form and I can actually be me. I'm attempting to wake up at 8:30am every morning to hit the gym by 10 at the latest So far I've been successful and have even gotten there as early as 9am. I attempted a spin class for the first time and it kicked my ass. I cried. Yes, cried. During a work out. I pushed myself that far. I want to see what my body can do and I want to do whatever it takes to see what my body can do.

Since I am pushing my body I am finding that my mind is getting cluttered and cluttered. I love being able to go to the gym and work it all out through physical activity. I'm finding out that it's my therapy, my girlfriend, my everything. The gym is my new life. It's where the REAL me shines.

I need to focus on me. And be selfish. I need to be single for awhile. I need this. I realized at the gym today that sex corrupts everything. It plants false ideas and false happiness. At least in the gym I can have something positive to show from all the sweat and tears.

I did arms today so I did the rower. I've done a rowing machine a couple times before but usually it's like, "I'ma waste 15mins on this just 'cus" and today I really opened my mind and pushed my body with each angry thought. I wailed on the machine. I'm sure my faces were very attractive as I folded forward and pushed back with my legs, tugging with all my might on the row handle. The angrier I got the harder I tugged, the louder the fan I was turning in the machine got. The more I wanted to feel it everywhere. I didn't stop until my arms turned red from heat and my abs ached. I didn't stop until I felt I had overcome my mental anguish. I'm sure the guy beside me doing a light jog on a treadmill thought I was insane.

I spent 3hrs at the gym today. Arms day is kinda my favorite. I don't do sooo much cardio and I can feel the muscles in my arms for the rest of the day. It's a warm buzzy feeling.... kind of like hot chocolate, a fireplace and a soft blanket on a bitter winter night. I love that buzzy feeling after going to the gym. It makes me feel alive on the outside. Even though I feel so dead inside.

My depression is back. It snuck up behind me and slit my throat gushing blood all over the front of me. I walked around for weeks not even realizing I was bleeding to death. How can one do that? Shouldn't it be obvious when life is slowly draining from you for everyone else to see? No matter what I do I still look like I just finished crying. It won't stop. I'm wearing my pain in such obvious places. Obviously I'm not fit to share emotions with anyone else... that goes with sharing a bed.

I've met the most amazing people in just the last few months. A girl I work with (that everyone quickly deemed as my twin... or me her twin... whichever) has inspired me in such ways she won't ever know of. Shes my age, and have managed to be single for way longer than I ever have. I'm so captivated by the thought of not being attached to someone for just ONE solid calender year. Some people would see it as her being unable to connect with others, when I see it as my weakness for allowing so many people in. I feel as if I need to learn so much from her. I need to learn how to connect with people on a friend level and it just be that. I need I need I need.

My problem isn't other people, it's my insecurities that are running my life and not allowing me to be able to just have friends. I need to find the whole me in just FRIENDS. Love doesn't have to come with sex. I need to learn that. If I can't love myself or have the love of companionship via a friend... how can I possibly ever spend my life with someone else on a level above all others? I don't even think I know HOW to be a friend. I worry... because I don't want the people I hang around with most to feel I have betrayed them or am unfit to be around them. Learning the right guards to let down and with whom has always been my downfall.

I need to stop the cycle.

Blessed Be,

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