Thursday, July 7, 2011

Old Blog, Meet New Blog.

This is an entry from my myspace from way back in the day. It is dated 1/12/2009.
Enjoy. :]

I can live in a movie if I friggin' want to, okay!

My dreams are filled with vampires, warewolves, zombies and magical fairy wonders. I live in a fantasy world that is all my own. Where the scariest of things roam and the sweetest most magical of things glitter.
Some might say that's me fabricating the bad and good in my life and that's how I deal with things in my life I otherwise might crack under. But I've already cracked. It's those things that are leaking out.
Lastnight as I tossed and turned and tried to fight the urge to pull out my paints and do something spontaneously wonderful I ground my teeth feeling the pressure in my jaws. What am I waiting for? What is holding me back? I want to do such wonderful things with my time but yet all I do is spend it drinking, going to concerts and writing teenage fantasy novels instead of going to school and trying to find a better job.
At what point am I meant to go, "Whoa, I'm too old for this."? Sometimes I fear I will never get out of my fantasy world. I will be 33 living with my parents working retail. [Holy hell, I hope not.]
My ex [Whom still echoes in my head, he's like the evil spirit from those cartoons that would always try to drag down the hero mentally] use to say constantly, "We're not in a movie, Beth. Stop trying to pretend that life is scripted and everyone is going to end up happy and your life's problems are going to conclude with a moral of the story type bullshit. Get over yourself."
I would sigh, nod in agreement and think silently that I can live in a blasted movie, if I damn well please! Why the hell not? It makes life tolerable. It makes all of my mistakes, social fumbles and otherwise failures in life seem geared towards a greater ending. As the credits roll I want someone sitting in the audiance going, "Wow, my life means more now that I witnessed that." I want to help others come to realizations about their own life and dreams to spring from my own creations.
I know I can't fix everything. I know it. I'm aware. But nowhere does it say that I have to do things the way my ancestors did. There is nothing wrong with being different by default. I don't go out of my way to be "special" or even "interesting." Someone in my family told me that I do things just to piss people off. To stir them up. That my complete whole purpose was to make people angry.
Yeah... the zen girl struggles in life because she is striving to piss people off. What a movie plot, right?
So I've been all sorts of paranoid recently. I am known to do whatever I want whenever I want, because life is fucking short. There are only a few times I've thought, "Hmmm, this is going to really hurt/piss off/ruin this person...... O well." And that usually comes with a very legit reason and I deal with the consequences as they fall. [But it's always worth it in the end.]
But I digress.
Life is spent trying to figure out your purpose. When I honestly feel the purpose of life is to live. To survive as long as you can, and die somewhat pleased with your past exsistance. In two years your nothing but a memory and in fifty you are forgotten. I saw a quote that said something like, "A weak mind relies on religion, a logical mind relies on science" and I quite believe it. You can believe in whatever the fuck you want, but the science of it is... You live, you die. Worms eat you, you are the ultimate fertilizer for this world. We are at the top and bottom of the food chain. Our bodies are the literal fuel that runs this planet. Don't make it any greater than that.
Wow, I just sounded really cynical. I think about it constantly. The only failures in life are those bastards molesting kids and killing their wives. [And of course all those other dastardly deeds that cause someone to lose their life or sanity] Everyone else is doing just fine. So don't down yourself because your blahblah age doing blahblah "unaccomplished" things. Just be. Strive for more, I encourage that.... but don't think you are a "lesser" person just because you don't perform brain surgery or make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.
If you are happy with your life, stay happy. If you aren't, change it.
It's just that simple.

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