Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I strongly feel that the universe sends signals.

Recently I seem to have been over-exposed to people very, very broken after a break-up.

Now, I realize that everyone handles breakups quite differently. Not everyone cries, not everyone is heart-wrenchingly upset. Not everyone finds it debilitating after someone leaves them out of personal choice-- rather than death.

The few break-up stories I have been exposed to recently (all on podcasts, btw) the person is borderline sobbing and could easily be misunderstood as someone who has recently had someone die. These people have been grieving the death of a relationship for the better of a year (or more) and the tears roll down their faces like the funeral was yesterday-- not full calender months ago.

I am truly take aback and puzzled at this. Yes, I've had really bad breakups. Yes, from previous posts you can see that I am still hanging on to someone from (kind of) more than a year ago... but I don't break down in tears when someone mentions her name or sob uncontrollably at the thought of her with someone else. I do recall being inconsolable for a certain amount of weeks and sobbing for hours to the songs, "Wait it out" by Imogen Heap & "Call it Off" by Tegan & Sara... and after throwing myself into a (horrible) rebound relationship with someone quite terrible I found myself retreating across city lines trying to escape from her. (and it still not being enough)

As I listened to 3 separate podcasts express ideas, stories and songs about being broken up with I tried to remember being that emotional about someone else. I tried to muster up that type of pain deep inside of me. 

I got nothing.

The jury is still out on the cause of this lapse in memory but I assure you that I've been quite sad before. In middle school I was burdened with being 'the weirdo' and 'the bitch'. I was mistreated at home so I would go to school and take it out on my only friend. (That friend has since never truly, in her heart, forgiven me for how I treated her, even after much apologizing and it being over 10yrs ago... but I can't really blame her) I remember praying to whom-ever could hear my cries to just take the oxygen from my lungs and let me die so then maybe someone would at least pretend to have loved me. I was so very sad-- but that never seemed to involve someone else. I always figured they justifiably didn't want me. (I guess that still lingers a bit today)

Have I avoided being hurt (honestly hurt) by someone by my own depression? I would also like to point out that I am terrified at the thought of a 'forever' with someone else. It seems like an alien idea. I say this and then remember the jealousy I have over the coupled people who live together and seem to be in that 'forever' situation. I've always been a 'for right now' type of gal. The one (legit) time I saw myself in a forever situation I got dumped for a curious-but-straight bimbo... so let's just say the feeling comes and leaves in the same second.

I've been reallyreally upset about a girl not wanting me or giving me the run-around and songs that remind me of them. I've lost friends to death or decision and they seem to impact my heart strings quite a bit... but the ones who have died always get the tears as oppose to just the 'I miss them' feeling.

Maybe it's because I have had so many people close to me leave me by death. Those that leave by decision always have hope left and when there is hope there is healing. I can never have another conversation with my deceased friends to end our radio silence. I can never mend what was broken--- But my alive friends: I can email, facebook, tweet, phone call and txt my way back into their good graces. (Or at least attempt to) So being abandoned by decision just feels open-ended. Anything can happen. They are still alive and maybe think of me sometimes, even miss me on occasion-- this goes for exes as well. To mourn the loss of a relationship like the opposing person is dead just seems a bit silly to me. I reserve my ultimate sadness and regret for a situation that is the only 'forever' situation I can seem to see myself in-- death; the deceased.

Then, here comes my next revelation-- Those who thrive in sadness.

Such beauty has come from individuals bitten by the sorrow bug. Some of the greatest songs ever sung would have never come to pass if they had not relished in the feeling of woe. They held hands with sadness and sang it a lullaby. They sobbed over canvas and their fingers bled as they formed the right notes, the right paint, the right instrument to express the hurt, love and longing. Long elaborate poems and plays were written in the search of closure from the pain and anguish from a lost loved one. (decision or death) These beings got comfortable with their pain and made a home in it, enjoying the feeling. They believed that no one else would bring them such joy (or sadness) like those whom have left them.

Love and pain are so passionate and so close in relation. They are brother and sister, as both are very different but came from the same beginning. Its for you to decide which is more unhealthy or unstable. Which is worth the risk. Break-ups suck, being turned down isn't fun.... But finding someone worth feeling for can be a rare but beautiful thing.

I say embrace what makes you satisfied-- whether it be tears or affection.


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