What are people worth? Is there a dollar amount? Is there a weight to the quality of a person?
I believe a lot of people take others for granted. Words are spoken (or not) that will one day be regretted. I've had a sinking feeling recently that my days are numbered. At any time I will breathe my last breath. I will be granted the big darkness. I have gotten this feeling a few others times in my life. I write a 'suicide' letter in my paper journal and hope that when the time comes I've said all I needed to say and kissed whom-ever needed it.
As morbid as it seems, I like that I get that reality check on life. Obviously I haven't died so my feelings of impending doom may just be that... or karmically I have been left alive... but with this startling reminder that life is fleeting I find myself poetically telling people how much they mean to me and apologizing to my mother for the debt I will leave behind.
It all boils down to self-worth and being self-aware. Seeing past all the bullshit and being honest with yourself. Your existence may always be in question but that doesn't mean your intentions have to be. There are many people that want to pull you down and are so obsessed with your reaction they can't find validation within them self and they form shallow relationships with others in hopes of finding that glimmer of validation they refuse to see within themselves. I'm not much for the Christian Bible as a religious document but as a book of imagery and poetry its a beautiful work of art. (Parts of it, anyway) It's kind of sad but I've always loved the image of the devil being a prowling lion in a thick grass waiting to pounce.
1 Peter 5:8
Be Alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
I've always viewed the devil as other people who see the brightness and greatness within you and since they can't harness their own greatness they want to jump you like a lion and rip out everything they wish they had. You don't notice you are being stalked until the lion is on top of you ripping and clawing at you.
The lion is on top of you-- Instinct kicks in, you fight and scream. Now pause. This is when you can use your power over the lion. By removing yourself from the situation and using what you KNOW about yourself instead of what that person is claiming about you. Because let's face it-- they have no idea about you. You are your own scholar. You could write a book about you. This person only knows about you second hand.
I know this all sounds like a self-help book but... just stick with me.
I have this theory on people. I view us as chemicals. As we "mix" we have different reactions. We all start out a clear liquid, as our chemicals mix (on any level) they change colors, give a reaction-- or don't at all. These reactions vary from chemical to chemical. Eventually your chemical gets over-mucked with those its come in contact with. You can never remove those contaminants but you can learn how to manage them.
I read in one of my old blogs not too long ago about something someone once told me:
You cannot control how others act, but you can control how you react.
That statement holds so true in all cases and all situations in life. You can in no way truly control someone else's behavior but you definitely can control your own. That is something I really had to grasp as I was coming out of my teenage years.
You can't make anyone love you.
You can't make anyone like you.
You can't make anyone want you.
You can't make anyone listen to you.
Even if you could force someone to do any of those things -- would it feel legit? Would you forever question what they truly thought of you?
With that said -- You can't un-crazy someone who hasn't found the mature inner-zen. The best thing you can do is step back and let the master healer (time) go to work. We are creatures of habit, obsession and negativity. I truly believe that being negative is what comes natural... it's the overcoming that negativity and becoming positive that's hard.
I guess all of this is just me saying I'm okay again and am happy with myself. No one can bring me down from this. I have amazing friends and I am so very grateful for them.
Love you guys.