I'm quickly realizing that there is another step in the self-growth process that others never mention.... It's accepting when others don't accept you.
I mean, I guess that kind of falls into the "don't let others get to you" and "If they don't really want to treat you right than you're better off without them." But what if they just completely brush you off?
Or use you as a filler?
Or still want to be your friend although they are slowly leaking your heart of all blood?
If I had a gun I'd have no feet at this point. I am the master of shooting myself in the foot. Instead, I carry a knife... so I tend to slowly stab away and leave bloody footprints on my way out.
At what point is the "worth" out weighing the pain? I'm quickly realizing I have no will power when it comes to this individual and I'm going to have to stop being around her completely. (Which will be difficult, I'm sure)
We got together again, and I really didn't want to. Really... I didn't. When I realized how it was all going to pan out (I was stupid and got too drunk to drive... and yeah... that made me a perfect target) I got extremely drunk in hopes to not remember it. I succeeded. She got annoyed the next day when I confessed to her that I didn't remember any of it. It's better that way. It's better for me that way... I've given up on being concerned about her feelings in this. (When has she ever thought about mine?)
And I'm really starting to question the whole "friend" aspect of our relationship too. I mean... I've got lots of friends that I don't get really drunk and fuck. LOTS of them. Past and present. I also have a lot of friends I don't fuck and then go and fuck an ex boyfriend over and over and in between.
It's getting old. Very old. I'm over it... I'm so over feeling like a victim or feeling dumb over this bullshit.
But I can already tell that if I talk to her about this I'm just going to feel like a dumbass and somehow I'm going to end up being sucked in again... and three weeks from now I will be writing a very similar blog describing how sick and twisted and empty I feel over this... "friend"... of mine.
Also, I'm thinking about making another blog that will be a secret. If I can keep my networking minions away from it.
That is all.
Also, I dreamed of a pretty girl lastnight that I met briefly once... we were having coffee at a bar and discussed rain patterns then I walked her home in the rain and we danced under pretty color umbrellas. *sigh* If only my dreams could take over for a day....