My Hospital Bag: Second Pregnancy

First off, I'd like to say I'm a minimalist. I try to be, anyway. I call myself a minimalist parent too. My first would've gone naked without handmedowns and even her toy collection was bought second hand or given to her by friends and family. The only thing new we made sure to buy was her infant car seat and stroller (it was a package deal).

I can't stress enough the importance of packing light for the hospital visit when delivering your baby!!!!

Ask yourself:
- How close is the hospital to your family and friends?
- Will someone be able to run to your house "real quick" and get anything forgotten?
- Do you live in an area that provides late night food options if the hospital cafeteria is closed?
- Will people come to visit you and the new baby? Have you hired a photographer to take your first pictures?

Couponing + 30 Weeks + HOTHOT Summer

Ah, normalcy!

We have our own place now and are living with our heads barely above water with one paycheck. It's awesome.

I know... I know... Awesome to live paycheck to paycheck? Crazy talk, right? Well, At least we manage to get our bills paid with one source of income and still manage to eat on the regular. I can't be more thankful. Hubby always seems to provide everything we need. He may be stressed out about it and I drive him crazy because a hundred dollars in the bank account doesn't scare me enough to not spend thirty dollars of it on groceries. In couponing terms, that's atleast seventy dollars worth of groceries anyway... so I don't see the issue.

Did I tell you I'm pregnant?

I have been pretty well immersed in my own life for the last few weeks. For those of you that don't know, I'm pregnant (and halfway to my due date already!) and we finally got our own place again.

The new place has given Hubby a new kind of confidence that I haven't seen in quite awhile, BabyG has developed a rash while I'm just pregnant and bitchy.

I keep telling myself it's pregnancy hormones and that I'm not actually depressed. I keep assuring myself that I'm not actually a horrible person. It's not working. Watching mutual friends meet up while I'm uninvited on Facebook brings me back to high school. "Sorry... Didn't know you were available..." And "Well, [random name] kind of just thinks you're a bitch." Yeah, well... I guess I am. I'm just lonely. I'm at that place where I want to invite people over to our place now that we have one but when no one shows up it will crush me.

I've stopped unpacking. I am slowly just shoving the boxes to the spare room and shutting the door to hide the stacks of boxes and bags of clothes. I can feel my blood pressure go up just thinking about that room.

I've pissed my family off. Well, my sister has always been very critical of me and even her positivity can only be met with curiosity. Why is honesty so bad? Why am I the bad guy for saying how I feel? My mom kept asking me, "Have you thought about my feelings in this?" In something that didn't even directly involve her. Obviously, I left my grandmothers house in bad terms. It didn't have to be that way, I so desperately didn't want it to be that way. I still have a handful of things there that I need but am too agitated to go back and get. I guess when you become old and senile you can do no wrong. Even me expressing my anger (not directly at my grandma) is some big disrespectful thing that I shouldn't have done. Do you even know how suffocating it feels to be told you aren't allowed to feel a certain way? How robbed of free will and disgusted it is to be told you aren't allowed to feel a certain way simply because of whom it is you feel that way towards? I called no names or made any remarks that weren't based on facts but yet I was the one who was told to feel guilty and wrong for my simple act of feeling. It became clear to me, through the actions of everyone in my family that there is a clear line between me and them. I guess because of my relationship with my family I have always approached all of my relationships with people on thin ice. The only time I remember my mom telling me she was proud of me in my adult life was after having a kid. My sister and grandma began to warm up to me after I had BabyG. I became worth something by joining the unspoken Mother Club. Such a thin string I dangled on with just that.

Well... Anyway.

I'm just bitter and pregnant, I guess. Yes, being pregnant is an absolute explanation not an excuse. If you've never been pregnant before you'll never understand the draining, guilt-filled, bitchfest that is carrying a lovable leech in your womb. I have begun to feel actual kicks now, especially when it's been 20mins since my last bathroom visit. According to the scales at the doctors office I've only gained 8lbs (that's been about a month ago, though) which is on track in the "healthy" weight gain chart for my size/height. 8lbs is a substantially smaller difference than what I had gained with BabyG at this point (30lbs... Yikes!) and it seems to be primarily in my torso area. I catch myself lifting my gut and carrying it. Elastic bands are my friend! My belly is so heavy some days. I can't avoid it. I remember feeling this twisted and alone while pregnant with BabyG but I lived thousands of miles away from everyone I knew... This time is different, I live just mere minutes away from the few people I call close and the same amount of minutes for those in the ripples of the friendship scale. I'm probably just being neurotic and needy but I can't help it. Hubby says all the right things and caters to my insecurities to the best of his ability, I am very lucky in that way.

I guess you could say this blog is a cry for help. A passive aggressive bitchfest that I hope will turn into hugs and sympathy. Just being honest. 

Goodbye 2014: May you rot in hell.

This past year has been tough. The struggle seemed never ending. The bills never stopped. The guilt of the impending year anniversary of us living with my grandmother came and went. Sadness, panic and dismay was the theme of 2014. We spent over a thousand dollars this year on storing our material possessions. Just thinking about that alone makes me want to hurl.

I don't want to dwell on the most terrible of this past year though. I try not to let the gloom and doom consume me. I try not to feel like I'm waiting in line for something to happen. Earth is not a big waiting room for some mystical place after we die. I loathe that paused feeling. 2014 was more or less my screeching halt and reality check. I'm happy that it seems to have brought Hubby and I closer instead of farther apart. As a newly married couple (Fuck. We were pretty brand new in the whole relationship thing, much-less the marriage)  I feel like we came through pretty clean. There was some definite rough patches and we had our first real arguments ever but beyond that we still love each other and still want to be married... which says a lot in today's approach to marriage.

Nose Dive

I keep bringing myself back to the times in my life that I've pulled up to a dumpster and just threw up to 60% of everything I owned. The only things I really kept throughout these years were my many books. I always dreamed of having a room in my moderately sized mansion that just had walls and walls of books. I was going to have a personal library. A library to me was hitting the big time. To not only afford all of those book, but to put them on a shelf like little trophies to show off. I would invite friends over and have tea in my library. I would cozy in with a warm beverage on rainy days to be surrounded by these stories of adventure while I traveled elsewhere in a book. When I was in elementary school whenever anyone asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I'd quickly respond with historian. The questioning adult would give me a puzzled look and I would give my practiced speech of becoming a teacher of history or English while I got my PHD and as soon as I accomplished the Doctor title I would then consume my studies with whatever fit my fancy and read books all day long and do interviews for the history channel. Those historians always seemed to know everything about something. That was my dream. Books.

Bury it in the backyard

Anger takes so much out of me.

Its exhausting to be this angry all day. Sleep is but a whisper when I need so much if it. Coffee just stirs the acids in my stomach and gives me cramps. My lack of sleep just makes me more angry.

Rainbows

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Who's this bitch and why won't she shut the hell up????

That's right. My inner bitch is raging today. Well, my inner bitch and Emo are having a knife fight. No one is winning, its an equal dispute.

Posture Postulation

I've been working on my posture. Posture is everything. It aligns your body. Posture is how people judge you.

Good posture also makes you look leaner and strengthens your abs. This is more for what I'm going for, the rest is just a bonus.

I've finally crossed the 200lb mark. Finally. I had been teetering at 202 for what seems like forever. I got pretty sick and now I'm at 197. Still coughing but I don't feel like death anymore... and my pants fit better! I count that as a win.

History is Important/Dear Hubby's ExGFs

I never thought it'd come to this. The writing of this blog, that is. I thought I could avoid this subject and pretend we're all adults here and all voids can be filled in with desired words and feelings and phrases. You know, the way most adults hide things they'd rather not talk about.

Also, I'm a bit chicken shit when it comes to confrontation that could/should easily be avoided. I just don't see the point in kicking up dust about something that is a done-deal. Over. Ship has sailed, ya know?

Okay, I'm going to stop with the vague prologue and actually start saying some other vague things that might mean something.

Many months ago Hubby and I were discussing the "What if we got together" scenarios. I quickly clammed up and stammered out some bullshit excuses of why we wouldn't work out. He and I have known each other for years and never once said those words aloud. It was something that we would hint at or flutter some eyelashes at but never form those words. It was also an alien idea when someone would bring it to our attention that we obviously had an attraction to each other. "Don't be silly." or "Beth is gay." Would usually shut people up and excuse the idea graciously.

The truth is (which is truly beside the point now and not really anyone's true business) long ago I was between relationships but still kind of involved with someone when I was invited to Hubby's old apartment years ago. I was at a fork in the road. My BFF at the time insisted I come over and meet her guy's roommate because we are eerily the same and in a rough remembrance of her words: "Weird as shit in the same ways." I agreed because there was going to be new people and alcohol involved. Sounded like early 20s heaven.

I arrived alone but oldBFF was already there and made sure to tell me on the phone that Hubby was there and she was already talking me up. My personal love life was the perfect storm but I wasn't going there just to meet him, but if something was going to happen I'm never about stopping a good thing.... Plus, I was technically single. Long story short, I meet him and instantly jab my oldBFF in the ribs, "He's shorter than you said." She snorted and just told me to drink more. He and I hadn't spoken even after me floating around the group of people in a tiny living room for over an hour. I figured he was greatly uninterested and thought I was ugly until I found out he had a girlfriend.

Okay, as a side note...

There were times in my life where a girlfriend hasn't stopped me from trying. That is bad for my image to confess, I'm sure. But seriously, who in their early 20s didn't give a shit about a vague mention of a girlfriend after lots of drinks and EVERYONE (Yes, everyone) in the room whispering in your ear to go for it anyway?

Now that I've confessed that "sin" I can continue. The night progressed and I always kept an ear out to over hear anything Hubby was saying. The usual shit talk between drinking buddies and then oldBFF loudly announces to the entire room, "Beth plays that weirdo World of Warcraft too!" Everyone turned towards me, sitting on the floor, talking to whoever. I nervously scan the room and notice he looked at me for the first time. Our eyes locked and I could feel my face turn red, I hoped it was dark enough in the room to hide how embarrassed I was. At the time I actually hadn't played WoW in over a year but that didn't matter to oldBFF, she was all about making me look like a fool in groups of people.

Fast Forward probably another hour and I managed to get Hubby and I on the couch together but we had a whole cushion between us. "You know, I won't bite. You can sit closer to me." He insisted. I slid closer, "Well wait: Horde or Alliance?" he asked. I said, "Horde, duh." As quick as I could trying to sound casual but not as crazy as oldBFF had made me out to be. We talked that entire night. For the most part we were in the same circle of people making general conversation until the party started to wind down. I tried to lay it on thick but open ended that I was roughly getting into a relationship with a girl that oldBFF hated. Well, oldBFF didn't hate HER, just her with me. Turns out oldBFF was right, but that's also beside the point at this juncture. 

Let's go back to Hubby and I sitting on the couch. Think: small condo living room with easily 20 people scattered about. They smoked in the condo and I was the only one that didn't smoke. It was hazy and packed in there. When he spoke to me I just wanted to hear him talk more. I wasn't sure how much alcohol was speaking for me but I did know that I definitely appreciated his views on things and wanted sober time with him at a later date. I was captivated. I blamed it on the alcohol and found myself in his bedroom. After being shut down three times because of this flimsy reference to a girlfriend (who didn't sound exciting) I acquiesced and took my denial with grace. He didn't even kiss me or touch me in any inappropriate way. I even slept on the floor most of the night because he was terrified his girlfriend would break up with him and I was hopeful she would. He was a gentleman of the 21st century. I was baffled, hurt and out to prove he'd regret that decision for the rest of his life. I also had decided that he thought I am ugly.

Fast Forward to a couple months later, we all move into this huge house downtown. Including Hubby and his girlfriend that was previously mentioned. By that point she had confronted me about that night and since I was an easy four years older than her (and two feet taller) I found her to be more like a hurtle to Hubby than an intimidater. She did have her good qualities about her though... mainly the ones I could see in myself that she also had. That sounds snotty, I know, but I'm talking in the moment. I had to see them kiss and be cute together. By that time Hubby and I had spent more time together and our conversations had more depth to them than video games. I got into a relationship with the girl that I was rocky with before and she hated Hubby with every bit of everything she had in her. It made hanging out with him even in a group very difficult but I did it anyway. She seemed to hate anything and anyone I was associated with anyway so what was someone that meant a lot to me? Worth it. 

Fast Forward a couple more months. I had moved out of the big party house because I couldn't take it anymore but was still rather close to the old house it's self. My birthday rolls around. I have a new girlfriend and the old housemates shows up to celebrate with me, sans Hubby. He also had a new, very annoying, live-in girlfriend and a new place. I'm very unhappy with everything in my life. Everything. Even the new apartment. My new roommate wasn't working out and new girlfriend was a raging alcoholic. I drank a lot. My bar tab was easily over $200 and a lot of it I didn't pay for. Wasted, I text Hubby and give him shit for not being with me on my birthday. My new girlfriend takes the phone from my hand and gets us to come over to his house after the bar closed. I am literally crying, begging her to just take me home because I couldn't handle seeing him with another girl. She was not happy about that at all. I get there and I'm so belligerent I get shoved on the couch with his new girlfriend. I close my eyes and try to make it go away but I can still hear his voice and feel his couch beneath me and can hear our girlfriends talking. I remember talking very loudly in my head and shutting down. I woke up the next day in the spare room with his door closed. I knew they were in there together and kept telling myself I was just as bad because I woke up in someone else's arms. I remember doing everything I could to leave before they emerged from the same room together. I got my wish but before we could get to the stop sign he texted me and asked why I had left so quick. I just told him I needed to be in my own bed, which was true... but I couldn't express my disgust and sadness. I spent that whole next day in the dark, very hungover and depressed. 

Roughly three months later I broke up with new girlfriend, reconnected with old girlfriend and moved four hours away... alone. I reconnected with old girlfriend because I was lonely, nothing more. I tried to forget everything about my hometown and those wasted relationships and dwell on other things: my emotions and my views on life. Also, how to be alone. Truly alone. Not emotionally attached to anyone and certainly not exclusive with anyone. Old girlfriend was driving up to see me almost every weekend and she just made me more depressed. I couldn't shake her. She wouldn't go away. She wouldn't get it. "You're in love with him aren't you? Or is it a new girl here?" She would snidely ask at every opportunity. "It's no one, but it isn't you either. I just want to be alone." I'd tell her. Then I would dwell on Hubby for days and ask myself if I really did love him. At that point we rarely spoke, I was trying to make him a part of my past because we never had a clear future. 

Fast Forward a year later. I'm still living four hours from the town I had met Hubby in but we still communicated via facebook and had started texting once or twice a week. I finally worked up enough nerve to ask him to come visit me. "I've moved to Louisiana for work." He says, "That's seventeen hours from North Carolina." He says. My stomach sank. "I'm single now." He adds. I gulp. Unsure what that meant for me, why mention it? Is that something people who reconnect talk about? I decided it was just small talk. "Are you single?" he asks. I give him the abridged texting version of telling old girlfriend to fuck off and that I was trying to be single and repair myself so I can be ready to date again. "That's real mature of you. You always seemed more in touch with yourself than anyone else out of the Real World House." (That's what he calls the big party house we all lived in) I exhaled. It was just small talk. He didn't want to date me after all.

Five months later I have my epiphany and feel ready to date again so I start "Putting myself out there" as they say. Primarily for girls, but hopeful for Hubby. "I'm dating a girl I met at work." He says. Oxygen leaves me. "We spent a weekend in New Orleans, it was great." He says. "O yeah, and do you remember [name removed]? We dated some before I moved here and she's talking about coming to visit me." Real tears. I was sitting at my hotel job fighting back full-blown sobs. I had no words. He went in depth about both interactions with those females, which isn't unlike our previous conversations but at that point amongst my search for inner peace I had unearthed my very legitimate crush for Hubby. I also had accepted that I would never have a chance with him, but still hearing about those trysts was very difficult for me. I remember drinking a whole bottle of wine after work that night and not talking to him for days and being real short with him to try to make the conversation stop. About a week or so later he calls me and we talk for hours before I pass out. I remember crying while on the phone with him, very quietly, one tear at a time. "I miss you." He says, "No... I mean, really miss you, Beth."

Shortly after that I tell him I'm moving back to my parent's place because my attempts to replace him were futile and I had found myself to be homeless once more. Well, I left the part out about him out. "You know that offer for me to help you move out here and live with me is still open, you know. As roommates. I miss living with you. We could get married too... for health insurance, you know." I laugh at him, he had sang me that song days before confessing his New Orleans trip and being with a mutual friend of ours. I thought he was mocking me. No thanks, I tell him, it's time I face the music and go home. I've pretended I can do this by myself long enough. "Yeah, you suck at whatever you're trying to do there. You won't last long at your parent's place. The offer never closes. I'm here when you need me. I worry about you." He says.

That was Thanksgiving, by Christmas I was dating a dude I had known since my preteen years. We had only been unofficially spending time together for a couple weeks before it fell apart. "That guy that you're always texting and talking to on facebook, anything go on with him that I need to know about?" Dude asks during one of our many exit arguments. "No, but maybe I should take him up on that marriage offer he's kept throwing my way. Even if he won't ever love me it'd be better than this." That's the moment my brain fired off and I could see myself being with Hubby, without restraint, without bullshit... just us. Together. Suddenly the last couple years seemed worth the struggle if I could be with him, in any capacity. "Yeah, I should call him." I say on my way out. 

By this time I was living with BFF and her family and was their nanny. I loved that family already and they loved me, so it seemed like a legit move. I had also canceled my cellphone because I couldn't afford the bill. I was at rock bottom. My family and I weren't getting along as well. I was once again feeling the sadness creep into my brain like a dark electrical storm. Small flashes of light only highlighting my failures. Very intoxicated, freshly moved into BFF's place, I figured, what the hell? Might as well make it worse. I use my iPod touch and send Hubby a message on facebook and explain that my phone number had been turned off the day before Christmas Eve and if he wanted to contact me it'd have to be via facebook and "O yeah, I really find you very attractive and would really like to take you up on that marriage offer." This time he thought I was joking so I unleashed how depressed I was and how my life was in shambles and the only time I felt whole was when he was in the same room or I could hear his voice or that little noise my phone made and I knew it was a message from him. Then I added, "Don't think I'm settling for you because settling makes me think of a last resort, when really I feel like you're the only idea I've been trying to pretend I didn't want. I want to be with you. Even if it's a roommate or fake wife. Just please, let me see you every day. Can I please see you every day? And if you have a girlfriend right now, I guess everything I just said sounds extremely lame and I'm very intoxicated, sorry. I will stop digging myself into a hole and go to bed now." Turns out he didn't have a girlfriend and he shared my same sentiment. 

The rest is history.

I came to visit him in Louisiana and it was like my whole world made sense. I came down the escalator at the airport to see him clutching coffee in one hand, other hand in his pocket and his eyes locked on me for the first time. I felt like he was really seeing me for the first time and I was seeing him. No hazy condo living room, no conversation leaned over his girlfriend (or mine), not anymore miles dividing us. Nothing in between us... except maybe a limo driver we had to dance around before I was able to push my body against his in a hug, "Nope." He said as he slid my face to his and our faces connected for the first time. Our first kiss. So many years ago denied from me. Our lips met and I knew I could never be apart from him again. The room stopped moving, my leg went up, fireworks burst all over the world. All of that. He wasn't a tainted idea in my head anymore, Hubby was real and legitimate. His shaky fingers clutching his cold Starbucks cup let me know he wasn't faking his intentions with me. His flushed red face as I leaned in for another kiss made me realize he really does have feelings for me. "You really want to be my wife?" He says before we even get my luggage. "Yes, I do." I reply.

Okay... so... why tell you all of that?

Simple: I've taken so long to get to where I'm at and be with Hubby. I've had to put up with his Ex-Girlfriends and various in-betweens for years along the way. I'm done. Got it? DONE. I deleted all of his ExGFs and in-betweens from my Facebook (Even if I have absolutely no problems with them and knew them before they connected with Hubby) I hold no ill-will towards anyone he's been with. Especially because we were friends and I never once told him how I felt about him through all of that. He is not at fault and he is still welcome to be friends with them if he wants. I'm not into controlling anyone. Free will and all that. I got it. But, I do deserve to be with him without hurtles anymore. Without outside worries. I was so jealous of all of those women for so long, it's hard to shake that emotion when this is still very new to me. It's new to wake up to him and have him come home to me every night. It's new to me to have him tell me he loves me. It's new to me to not have hurtles between us. Let me have no hurtles, okay? Give me a break. You had him before me, I understand that, but I have him now and I'm never letting go. Your opinions of such will not sway me. You've got to remember, I was there the entire time you were with him, I know more about him that you ever will. I'm not saying I will ignore these women for the rest of time, but I definitely will be avoiding them for the first year at least. For my own mental stability and self-righteousness.

So back the fuck off, k?

"I don't want to be ANYTHING like any of your exes!!!"

Augh, okay...

So, I'm a girl. Duh. But I must state that for very obvious reasons-- Girls have irrational ideas sometimes. (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!)

Not wanting to be anything like your current's previous significant others is quite the irrational idea. It's also one that I am quietly struggling with. I'm struggling because I can see the rational side of it.

I'm getting married soon. Also, duh. One thing about marrying one of your close friends is you can recall how ever many years worth of previous significant others they dated freely in front of you. It was shameless because there was only a platonic relationship between you and whoever they brought around. (Well, at least in our case) I knew these girlscoughwomen that he dated before me. I spoke with them, they sought my approval and sized me up accordingly. I have never been intimidated by them and apparently that's intimidating. I, in some cases, got more into their brain than Hubby did. (It's a girl thing) I became their frienemy and got to know them. I remember picking them apart, quite often finding similarities between them and I. Sometimes it was unsettling how my likes were their likes and my hobbies were their hobbies. But then again, a lot of Hubby's likes were my likes and a lot of his hobbies were my hobbies.

Obviously things would stack with who he chose to date as well. Again with the duh

Now that I am romantically involved with him my angsty twelve year old hormonal self can't help but peck at my brain with all the usual paranoid ideas. If you are even slightly aware and female (Or male, I guess?) you know what I'm talking about. Those paranoid ideas just bubble up from within and you have to mull over them and shoot them down or address them aloud if they feel justified enough. Also, getting married isn't child's play. Marriage is not taken lightly by me and my relationship with Hubby is very much adult. I've known him long enough I was more than aware of who I was getting myself involved with. (Translation: My qualms in this post have nothing to do with him directly, I also know he religiously reads my blog, so I have to put that out as clear as possible. This is me just being a vagina.)

But anyway, I know a lot of girls feel this way. Correct? The whole: "I'm nothing like his exes, I don't even see what he saw in them!" Yeah, that. Well, ladies, I'm sorry to break it to you but that is quite irrational. Although I do want to say that all cases are different and you very well may be in one of those glorious "I'm completely unique to those of their past" things. Let me break it down.

People tend to stick with what they know:
If they grew up around intellectual types they will tend to date college graduates or someone with a prestigious career. If someone grew up primarily around a specific race or creed they will tend to date someone of that religion or skin color. If they reallyreally loved their mother or father they will tend to date someone resembling them. Or if they really hated their mother or father they will tend to date those that resemble nothing of them. That's the same with those that have a passion for something and they tend to surround themselves and date others with that common passion.

People tend to date what they like:
If they like poets, they will primarily date poets. If they would prefer red headed gym fanatics, they will stick as close to that as possible... Let's say Person A dates 10 people in their life time. Person A is a guitarist that prefers blondes that are also artistic in some way and loves dogs. It's safe to say Person A had 7 out of 10 that have lighter colored hair; likes dogs and either plays an instrument or does some sort of artwork either as a job or a hobby. Sounds logical to me.

If you've dated "it" before and loved/hated "it", then you will/won't date "it" again:
"It" being something: a trait, a hobby, a defining character of someone. Think: "I dated that guy Jake and he loved to go to the gym. I think it mellowed him out otherwise, so now I dig guys that go to the gym." So then you tend to date athletic people. Athletic people appeal to you. No shame, right? In that same way: "I dated this red headed chick Sarah and she was such a bitch and made all my friends don't want to be around me anymore if she was around. I refuse to date a girl named Sarah or red heads. She was a teacher too, no more teachers for me!" Same idea but on the negative instead of positive. Either way you are getting specific about the type of person you want to get romantic with. Also, no shame.


To the core I seem to reflect Hubby's taste in women. Visual appearances aside, I share a lot of their likes and hobbies as well as some of their personal/political views on things. Which makes sense. Being a vagina about it is letting that leave a nasty taste in my mouth and make me feel like a blow up doll with a common filling.

Since I am being a positive thinker and adult: I like to think of me being all the best qualities he found in previous girls all wrapped up in his favorite shaped box.... with my unique quarks and neurotic habits thrown in!

This theory works in both directions too, ya'know.

Hopeful, not hopeless.

It seems like every blog I make recently it's to defend myself for one reason or another.

I find myself single, once again. This time I don't even blame myself at all. I have no idea how something that seemed so sound and so solid could suddenly be cold and transparent.

I struggle to mourn the loss of another failed relationship. Maybe I'm repressing those feelings? Maybe I just don't care? Maybe he wasn't worth it to begin with? Eh, those are all questions that don't need answers...

My self worth is fine but my confidence in others is greatly lacking. I know what I'm good at
I know I'm an excellent "ladyfriend"
I know I can make someone the happiest they've ever been.


It's just a matter of finding someone who wants to accept me for who I am, that has enough confidence in me and our connection... And will respect me. That's a major one. It's so hard to find someone that can step up to the plate and be willing to compromise and blend with someone else.

A couple days ago I realized I'm more of a lover than I've allowed myself to acknowledge. I guess I don't want to be the hopeless romantic that is perpetually hopeless. I'm on the eve of my 25th birthday. I want an adult life. I want to share that adult life with someone else. No drama. No questions and lies... Just love. I'm not holding my breath over it, but I am hopeFUL as of late.

I am "talking" with someone.. That isn't exactly new... But is a prospect I overlooked for awhile. I'm interested in how it may unfold. When it does leak I think my entire hometown will implode but I won't be here for the backlash...


I will be elsewhere, enjoying my new life.

To Whom it May Concern:

It has come to my attention that my sexuality is the definitive of who I am [when it comes to other people.] Not only do I find this offensive; I have spent days contemplating the proper way to address this when I feel like I should never have to.

I date girls-- I'm wrong and going to hell. How dare I be public and proud about such a disgraceful way of life!

I marry a guy -- since I'm not ashamed or secretive about it I must be a liar and everyone around me should question anything I've said to them in the last four years.

Obviously, both assessments are horribly incorrect. I, personally, don't see my relationship as anyone's immediate business.. Or the main factor of my entire existence, for that matter. I have so many contributing factors in my life. Ive always been my own person. I do not define myself through who I am with or have been with.

"But you put it all over Facebook"
No, I put that I am happy and give credit where it is due. That's all I feel I am doing. Why do some individuals feel I am rubbing it in their face? That is truly not my intent.

I post about 10% of my life on the Internet-- that's combining this blog, twitter and Facebook. That's a whole 90% that I don't let you fuckers in on... And guess what? Of that 10% I share with this huge world of digital high school: everything is vague and purely self-involved... Which I guess knocks that 10% down to about 6%.

Yes, I said self-involved. I don't say anything that is not my business (especially if it doesn't involve me at all.)

With that said, I have also deleted a bunch of people, pictures and information from my Facebook. I haven't posted a play by play of my day on any social media in quite some time.

I feel no need to explain myself to anyone. (Although I guess I kind of am) Even amongst all the backlash, I should feel no obligation to title myself under any sexual orientation. The person I date/marry knows how I feel about them and that's all that is relevant.

It isn't helpful to demand answers from me or put pressure on our relationship. If you know me at all why is it so difficult to just accept me as a person and be happy about me being happy? I'm not a deceptive person; I'm not out to hurt anyone nor am I trying to "pull a fast one." I'm in this relationship for all the right reasons: THAT is all that matters. It's not your place to be confused about my sexual preferences. I should not have to defend myself on this subject.