Friday, December 12, 2014

Goodbye 2014: May you rot in hell.

This past year has been tough. The struggle seemed never ending. The bills never stopped. The guilt of the impending year anniversary of us living with my grandmother came and went. Sadness, panic and dismay was the theme of 2014. We spent over a thousand dollars this year on storing our material possessions. Just thinking about that alone makes me want to hurl.

I don't want to dwell on the most terrible of this past year though. I try not to let the gloom and doom consume me. I try not to feel like I'm waiting in line for something to happen. Earth is not a big waiting room for some mystical place after we die. I loathe that paused feeling. 2014 was more or less my screeching halt and reality check. I'm happy that it seems to have brought Hubby and I closer instead of farther apart. As a newly married couple (Fuck. We were pretty brand new in the whole relationship thing, much-less the marriage)  I feel like we came through pretty clean. There was some definite rough patches and we had our first real arguments ever but beyond that we still love each other and still want to be married... which says a lot in today's approach to marriage.

I've had a lot of writers block. I haven't posted in months. I'd open up an empty draft and just watch the icon blink and blink and blink. I'd write a few sentences and just feel as if I was weighing the world down with my problems. What did I have to write? "I posted on facebook today asking if anyone could please buy diapers because we couldn't afford them." or, "I managed to get a shower today after I realized it had been two weeks." and "I sobbed for ten minutes because my current life situation rushed at me all at once and I realized how shitty poor we are." O yeah, those are gems. Exactly what you want to be reading, right? Yeah, that's what I thought. That was my past year. Gripe and moan, complain and blame. Shitty shitshitshit.

Hubby went through numerous jobs. I found myself defending him and my marriage to people who really had no right considering their life choices. He made some shitty decisions. I nagged until nagging became our only form of conversation. I picked up more shifts at my radio job. I nagged some more. I defending him some more. I cried a lot.

BabyG grew. She's a full blown toddler now. Walking, talking and biting me when she's mad. She's done some amazing growing in the last year. Her favorite phrases right now are, "Go away." and "I'm stuck." She yells for her DaaaaDaaaa any time I piss her off and she loves doggies. She absolutely loves to color. She's such a pen thief. Her bad days are unholy exorcist type days while the good days are flowers and unicorns. She has such a diva personality and I fear for my sanity most days. Recently we both had the flu and while I'm on my twelfth day of recovery she be-bopped her way into health and wellness by day four. She has made this year worth living and the glue that held my family together. Kids seem to always be the problem and the solution. Ah, life.

I'm a nanny again, which I love. I'm still extreme part time at the radio station. It's a two job life for me. Luckily, a couple months ago, Hubby got a job doing something he is very confident in. It saved us. I don't' know what I would've done if he had not gotten this job. We are officially caught up on all of our bills and are making up-to-date payments on our so far behind credit cards. We are at the light at the end of the tunnel. We are just weeks away from a new year and we may have actual hope for independence in the coming year. We will be able to afford a trailer for a tiny house (unless another foreclosure drops in our lap) and may be in our own place by our birthdays this summer.

I can breath again. I'm able to buy supplies to make my hippy stuff and coupon. I guess I finally have something to write about. Something worth reading about.

2014, you can go fuck yourself.
Hello, 2015, please be gentle, it's been a rough year.

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