I keep bringing myself back to the times in my life that I've pulled up to a dumpster and just threw up to 60% of everything I owned. The only things I really kept throughout these years were my many books. I always dreamed of having a room in my moderately sized mansion that just had walls and walls of books. I was going to have a personal library. A library to me was hitting the big time. To not only afford all of those book, but to put them on a shelf like little trophies to show off. I would invite friends over and have tea in my library. I would cozy in with a warm beverage on rainy days to be surrounded by these stories of adventure while I traveled elsewhere in a book. When I was in elementary school whenever anyone asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I'd quickly respond with historian. The questioning adult would give me a puzzled look and I would give my practiced speech of becoming a teacher of history or English while I got my PHD and as soon as I accomplished the Doctor title I would then consume my studies with whatever fit my fancy and read books all day long and do interviews for the history channel. Those historians always seemed to know everything about something. That was my dream. Books.
I took a couple history college courses my junior and senior years of high school. I was depressed to learn that my glamorous and super star idea of a historian wasn't so glamorous after all. Not only that, the history that fit my curriculum was depressing and not all that interesting. I wanted to travel to Egypt and learn hieroglyphics and be someone they rush to because they saw I'm an expert in whatever they had come across.
Well, I'm selling all of my books. Well, 90% of them. I'm getting rid of my teenybopper books first. Eventually, I will only have a handful of books to my name. I'm slowly shifting to the electronic kind just for space and I don't like it. There is so much comfort in holding a book, fingering a page and hearing that little "shhh" sound when you turn the page. O well.
I took a nose dive in the emotions department last week. I woke up with the weight of the universe on my shoulders. While BabyG watched cartoons I cried softly out of her eye view. I gave her weak smiles and contemplated living. It scared me to even entertain the thought of leaving her behind. I instantly felt guilt. I didn't feel safe being her main caregiver for the day. I felt distracted and distant. I felt worthless and found it difficult to breath. My depression was a steady wool hat around my ears but this was different. I had pulled the wool hat over my face and was now choking on it. This was unacceptable. I mustered the courage to get out of the house. I put BabyG in her car-seat and she smiled big, she loves getting out of the house. I kissed her and labored to get into the truck like my back was going to break from all the weight on me at any moment. I slowly drove to town and quickly BabyG fell asleep in the car. I parked in the mall parking-lot and decided to wait out her nap. I kept the car running because it was a very hot day. I cried and let myself break down a bit. I let the feeling wave over me and my shoulders slumped. I placed my forehead on the steering wheel and my mind kept slipping back to those mothers who have killed their children. Did they feel like this? Should I drop BabyG off with someone? No, that was a dark place I could never bring myself to go. In that moment I related to these people though, who may have felt at their wits end. It disgusted me that I could even entertain the idea that what they did could be rationalized. There is no excuse for harming a child. None.
Then I sobbed because I thought of such horrible things.
Let me say this: I never once contemplated hurting my daughter.
I watched her sleep and counted her breaths. I sobbed in the parking lot. I searched for help lines and considered calling one. This is the level of depressed I had been only a handful of times in my life. Each time I seemed to swim to the surface and after a couple days I could function fully and laugh at the idea of being suicidal. This day was different. I have a family now. I have a small child. My daughter gives hugs now and says, "Ooooo Nooooo" when you seem sad. She'll give you big, open mouthed, slobbery kisses and squeeze your neck. She will turn her head in confusion and give you a smile in hopes to make you smile back at her. To rob the world of such a beautiful soul would be more of a crime than taking me out of the living game. I broke down and sent Hubby a couple worrisome messages. I tried not to let on how severe my depression had dipped. I had fallen off the cliff and was falling, falling, falling into oblivion. BabyG was the beacon helping me stay connected to the real world.
BabyG stirred and whined. She was pissed that she was still in her car-seat. I parked closer to the mall and got out. I put her in her stroller and she seemed pleased with that. I gathered myself and approached the mall like I was going into battle. I did laps around the mall until I felt human again. I had removed the choking depression fog away from me and the rain cloud overhead had seemed to clear up. I did a couple more laps just to make sure. I may have decided to become a mall walker but there are definitely worse lows to have in ones life. BabyG loved the people watching. Seeing the rustling bags of consumerism being carried around by midday shoppers. I lamented about working there and tried to decide what I want to do with my life. I could breath again.
I came home and threw away a bunch of stuff. I folded clothes and did a load of laundry. It has been weeks since I have done laundry... and probably months since I have folded a whole basket of laundry. What a burden I must be to Hubby. He tolerates it so well. It doesn't help that he isn't in a peppy mood these days either. What do you do when your life line is also in the same boat as you? Luckily the purging of trash and needless things made me feel liberated and more in control of my life once again. I rearranged our spare room and there was so much more space to walk around BabyG swung her arms around and "Oooo"d all over the place. I could breathe and it has been fantastic ever since. I may not be in the brightest of spirits these days but I hope to never feel that depressed for a very long time. Every day is a challenge that I gladly accept.
There is such freedom in letting go.