Sunday, February 12, 2012


I can't shake this feeling. The sadness. The woe. The disparity. The empty chair across from me mocks me.

What am I doing here? Why am I spinning my wheels?

Reading Anaïs Nin will be the death of me. Her stories of finding herself through her husband's money and other men's perceptions. Recreating herself and conforming to each man as if he held the key to who she truly is. It saddens me to know that this is what most females do... And why I remain emotionally unattached through most of my adult life.

Okay, so not all legitimate relationships are defined as man and woman. (And I don't like pretending like the rest of the world that only the opposite sex can have real love.) Only in context of Anaïs Nin do I speak of the dynamic of lost self and seeking self via opposite sex... Well, sex. She does it all wrong and so realistically human it's amazingly beautiful. It's like graffiti on a condemned building.

For a large part of my life I've felt very alone. Although my complaints seem loud and annoying up here there are many times I was pleased with my solidarity. It only got lonely when I was reminded of the shallow loveless sex I was having induced by large amounts of alcohol and fellow loneliness. Maybe I see the flaws in the character of Sabina because I lived them. I live them many times over. In search of self I escaped into brief moments of lust and lingering desires of a heart un-quenched by life.

That damn empty chair.

I have driven an hour out of my hometown for coffee and to sequester myself to my thoughts. Clear my head... Only to make it more cloudy. Clarity only comes when it is undesired. Now I am highly caffeinated and feeling alone by my own hand. I was going to treat myself to dinner and a movie. (The usual treat for sadness and needing a distraction... A date by myself) I find myself yearning for my counterpart in the most embarrassing of ways. A thousand miles between us and what am I waiting for? Days to come and go, a couple more hours on the paycheck... My heart to burst and death to bestow its last laugh at my attempts of happiness.

I spent all weekend torn in two directions. Should I stay or go? I'm staying for selflessness and wanting to leave out of selfishness.... But why stay when the selflessness is going unnoticed by those you want to notice?

My dire need to be respected and loved by my family seems like a hamster wheel of failure. I run, chase and grit my teeth to no avail. I fear the only ways of succeeding would leave me stifled and ripping my hair out day dreaming of so much more life to be lived. I'm more than a picture frame, I am the picture within the frame bursting to move and be free. I am the distant horizon in a visage so brilliant in colors you have to squint to witness it.

"Be the change you wish to see in this world." Yes. So true. Smile because you want others to smile... Take yourself on dates because you can never depend on another to do it for you... Because you shouldn't have to depend on another to make you smile. If there was anything I could ever teach someone else it's to love yourself first an treat yourself better than anyone else could treat you. You first, everyone else second. So when you do find love you know the standard they should keep: your own.

I'm just rambling.... Staring at an empty chair at a Starbucks in a tiny beach town in the middle of winter.

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