Saturday, February 11, 2012

Its only the matter of waiting.

The wind whirls angrily around as if seeking revenge on the entire population in my small town. Right as the sun slinked it's way under the horizon the cloud bore bold warnings of a very angry Mother Nature. I hunched my shoulders trying to evade the coldness creeping into my soul.

Life has been bumpy but in the proper direction. I had sidetracked myself with busy-ness so's not to notice the eggshells I had been treading on, or the evasive action towards self preservation. I entertained myself with unjourneyed roads and journeyed them just to find another dead end.

How is it that when you are at a loss with what you want all the loose ends don't seem so pertinent? It's when clarity settles in when you realize the wreck of a life you have created for yourself.

What a disaster.

Still living at my sister's place on her couch. Since late November. It is now February and all I have to show for myself is new outfits and a crappy T-Mobile phone. I have enough money for food and gas now and even some bills if I'd actually go through the process of giving up the goods to corporate America. I also very often forget I have money in a bank account now. It's quite an adjustment.

I fell down the stairs today. I had been sleeping on the floor in an upstairs bedroom (that doesn't have a bed in it) at my sister's house. I had three songs on repeat that I changed every thirty or so minutes.

Slow Me Down - Emmy Rossum
When I Grow Up - Fever Ray
The Fox - Nikki and the Dove

Each song easily got thirty minutes each on repeat as I fought being alive. I didn't even bother changing out of my sandwich shop uniform. I just collapsed on the floor and used a pillow I had in that room. Gloom. Doom. Emo swoop sadness.

After some time I felt quite ridiculous and decided to get changed and get out of the house. I took my time and didn't dress to the 9s but I did put on my newly purchased clothes. I was making my way down the stairs when I slipped about 3/4ths of the way down. I felt the impact of the bottom step against my coccyx. Everything went white and I screamed loud enough I had to cough to get my voice back. I sobbed and looked down at my contorted legs and the tips of my fingers burned from trying to grab the rail to no avail. I looked out into the living room, it was empty. The TV was even off as if it could have given me some kind of condolence. I took a deep breath and wiggled my toes. I slowly got up and realized the pain in the middle of my back and my tailbone. I whimpered to myself and eased myself on the couch to continue my childish sobbing.

How dare my life put in a physical analogy of my silent suffering. Just as you get the strength to overcome there are always some stairs you will fall down first.

My thought at the bottom of the stairs was: "This isn't rock bottom, but it is quite literally the bottom of somewhere."

I sobbed for a few more moments and composed myself. Today is just a day and tomorrow will be another. Life can be at its worst and you can be at the bottom of the stairs all alone.... but at least I have my life.

This is just temporary. My situation is only a waiting room for what I have in store for myself. That is something I can't get lost in. It seems the last twenty-four years have been a Mouse Trap Game setting me up for my future. I anticipate the great change headed my way during the rebirth of nature.

It's only the matter of waiting.

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