Thursday, December 15, 2011


I feel like I'm not even really here.

I sleep in my 4yr old niece's bedroom on her spare bed.
At a house party at my bff's house I found myself getting a bit too friendly with a guy.
I'm brokebrokebroke. I'm cancelling my cell phone service. It's cheaper to buy out of it and suck it the fuck up.
There are 10 days until christmas.
I work at a sandwich shop now.

Okay, so I feel like I should elaborate on the second one. So basically I'm in my hometown, I have so much history here and know so many people. I've been struggling with how I feel about it all. I don't feel any less gay. He kept telling me he loves me. As in right now. I would try to say it back to him because I do actually love him... but not in the same way as he does for me, I guess. He means so much to me. He's not a bad guy. I actually really enjoyed us hanging out all night.... the other stuff was just drunken stuff, I guess. I mean, I wasn't all that tipsy but he was shwwwaaaasted. I'm lonely right now and I liked how he made me feel and in the morning I was without regret (Although he seemed full of regret) but I guess it did kind of make me question my sexuality. I mean, c'mon.... it was an ex that is a dude.... I've been dating girls for a couple years now. He's the last male I've done anything with... so of course I'm questioning myself.

I'm quite seriously at an intersection in my life. A little bit of my stuff is here with me, a big chunk of it is at my friend's house almost three hours from here and the rest got thrown away or sold. I have no bedroom. My last couple of relationships have been worse than those before. I'm caving in.

It's times like this that people start feeling like giving up... I've actually been in less serious situations in my life that have made me suicidal. This time is different for some reason. Maybe it's because I'm nearing my 25th birthday? I'm not sure. I just feel like everything is free game right now. I just have to unbury myself from these last few debts. I just can't seem to get out of debt. It's crippling. I'm tired of having late fees and budget down to the negatives. My entire life is based off of "If I could only pay this off..." and honestly I'm tired of it.

Okay, so I'm everywhere tonight. I guess I'm halfheartedly fucking up my sexual identification because at this point I feel like there is nothing else I could possibly do to make my situation any worse... and really, I appreciate any positive.... well... anything... right now. But like I said, I don't feel any less gay.

Also, I have had nightmares of becoming pregnant and explaining it to all my homo friends. It's nerve racking. I just... will stick to making sandwiches. Sandwiches are less complicated. Unless you are the BLT lady.

I hate the BLT lady.

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