Thursday, February 25, 2010

"So you're talking to other girls?" She says.

"Not successfully." I say.


I already know she reads this and I'm shooting myself in the foot.... but I just can't seem to vocalize what I want to say when I'm around her or hear her voice... and definantly not when I look in her eyes.

Girls make me stupid, I've discovered.

Stupid in a way that I get all crazy and talk too much or not enough. Stupid in a way that boggles the straight friends I have. They have no advice because they have no idea. "Just rebound. Rebounding makes things better."

Rebounding is easy when you're after penis. Penis is in abundance and usually attached to a whore... a whore that would probably spit on you afterwards and then boast about it to his buddies. (Sorry... that was really bitter. Women are very capable of doing the same... but that's a debate I'm not trying to get into right now)

So breaking up sucks. Especially when both parties refuse to stop talking to each other. It makes it hard to move on, or even function as a normal single person.

Twitter is satan and facebook is hell.

"What does this mean?" "Why did you say that?" "Who are you talking about when you say this?"

Again... shooting myself in the foot seems to be my favorite past time.

I have a good few days and I feel like I'm starting to feel like me again. I can even discuss girls with my sister (which is a MAJOR revelation) I don't feel like I'm some alien that has ruined my familys dreams anymore. In some ways this break up has helped my family realize that my feelings for her are real and were real and it is possible to love someone of the same sex "in that way." It's the whole, "If it hurts this bad and she just stayed at home and cried for three weeks, she must have really not been faking it just to ruin our lives and embarrass us in front of our church friends"

But anyway... there is a lot to learn from this and I'm aware of it. I just wish that my head would uncloud and my panties would unwad. I'm like an angry sex monster. I'm going through withdrawls. I just want someone to touch me and it mean something. Not just lust and not even neccesarily love... just something. I want someone to want me in a way that it's just the beginning... it's a projected emotional adventure. (Was that a stretch? lol)

Yes, I'm talking to other girls. Yes.. more than one. Are any entertaining me back? Not really. Is my ex even in the mix anymore? Yes. Am I trying to lead any of the new ones on or even juggle them like a womanizer? Hell no. Would I go on dates? Yes. (Thats really all I want. Dates. Go to dinner, go to the movies... long walks on the beach and all that cliche-ness) Do I have to be in a relationship to feel whole? No.

Some one else does not make me feel validated. Although my actions would speak otherwise... (according to someone) I just feel very unwanted and very unattractive recently. Is it really so terrible to want someone to tell me I'm beautiful? No. I'm a women, I need at least a little validation from others. It's how we function. It comes with the plumbing, people. Honestly. And really, I don't know if I could get down and dirty with someone right now without seeing my ex when I close my eyes. Thats just not fair to anyone. I'm not over her... I'm not. I am aware. It will take time. But kissing isn't really ruled out... I mean... kissing would be fun. Even maybe holding hands? Going on a date, even.

(Although I am a sex-deprived-maniac... I'm not a heartless monster.)

I tweet a lot about not liking my whole sleeping alone situation... but I was thinking about it... and I don't really know of anyone I'd feel comfortable in my bed right now.... even the ex. (I've been burned too many times and shut down when it was offered... so I'm a bit jaded at the idea of asking her over anymore... and I feel guilty that I'd do that when I'm actively trying to find affection from others. It just doesn't seem right.) I mean... suuuure there are plenty of chicks out there that could fill a void physically... but I don't know anyone well enough to want them in my house muchless sleep over even if they are just a warm body. I'm not desperate. Just sad and lonely.

But I'm aware that the lonely will go away and the sad will soon stop... I think talking to my ex is bad. I need to cut the cord. Every time I talk to her she makes me cry. Every time we try to hang out she makes me cry. Every time she tries to be nice or even sweet I have a hard time trying to believe her. The ship has sailed... as hard as that is to swallow... it's true. I persued her with everything I had; I poured my entire everything into her... our breakup wasn't entirely her fault and she isn't a monster... but I can't cling to the hope that she'll treat me any different when she doesn't even respect herself.

I just.. augh. I'm being crazy I know... but I feel better now that I told my loyal non-commenting-readers about my angst. :)

Blessed Be,

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