Tuesday, February 23, 2010

One day... One day...

One day I will get this blog back on track. It's more bloggy than it is educational (sorry).

I've just had so much going on.

Finally got my computer back, then I just completely forgot about this thing... then I partied/worked all weekend.... (When I work on the weekend those two go arm and arm.) And well... yeah. I slept Monday away because Sunday night I never slept.

Being single is very bad for me. I do evil things and then stress myself out of stupidity. I read too much into things or put myself in bad situations... and I drink too much. (way too much)

I'm friggin' 22 years old. I need to get my crap together. I don't want to be 30 going, "O yeah..." and the light comes on.

I'm feeling conflicted. My ex is well... my ex. Every time I think of her my stomach goes all wonky (not always in a good way) and I don't know if I could ever see myself with her again... and the more I talk to other girls... the less I see it happening. Not so much because of the other girls... but because I'm starting to realize I probably shouldn't be involved with anyone. (No matter how much I want to be)

I have a lot of hate. A ton of hate. Which is horrible. I don't hate her per se, but what she put me through... for so long. (Although the "so long" part is my fault, so therefore I hate myself... see... hate.) And I'm struggling with that. I'm trying to find my inner beauty again and this has been a very messy break up. Probably the most messy I've ever had to be involved in. It's really bad.

My craving for attention is getting to the point of being pathetic. Quite pathetic. I check my phone compulsively and of course no one has messaged me but Twitter updates. Pathetic.

I'm not ready for a relationship in any form. I'm aware of that... but I can't stop. I need to work out more. That's my answer for everything: The Gym. (Which is better than beer, right?) I need to focus on work and the gym.

I need.I need.I need.


This is all hopeful brainwashing on my part. Maybe I can get that stuff in my head.

(But no matter what I say... when I go to bed at night I hate being alone the most. My lack of cuddles are driving me bonkers)

Blessed Be,

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